S/O: Would you/ how would you speak to a friend that her DD may be speech delayed?

[momm]

I described my friend's DD's situation here:
http://windsorpeak.com/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=431186

Long story short, she was a little concerned about her DD's speech, but hasn't taken her to EI or anything.

Her friends, her parents, everyone reassures her over and over that her DD will just pick up speech, and there's nothing to be worried about.

After months of this and no improvement, I've started thinking that maybe not. And the thread above reconfirmed my worries.

So now, I am in a quandary whether to speak to her about it or not. She is very open about her concerns to us (our playgroup)

Would you?

If you would, how would you go about it?

Do you think it's just being meddlesome? I'm genuinely concerned, especially after reading all the responses to my post linked above.

[crl]

Since she is already concerned, I think it is much easier and totally appropriate to help her out.

I would get the information on how to contact EI Then when she brings up her concerns, I would say, I have heard people are really happy with the free evaluations through early intervention. I think it would be worthwhile for you to get one. Why don't I email you the contact information? Then follow up promptly and include a link with the information about the evaluation being free and how much services cost.

Catherine

[Pyrodjm]

If she is open about her concerns just just her the number to an agency that does evals. She doesn't need her ped to refer her since the child is under 3. Perhaps someone in the group is already familiar had evaluations done and can recommend their agency.

Evaluations are fun for kids. They just observe the child playing, present new toys try to interact with them and talk to the parents.

[MamaMolly]

If she is bringing it up then I'd wait until she says something again and then say 'even if it is nothing, if I were you I'd ask my pediatrician what s/he thinks. Just for reassurance.'

Default to an expert. ;)

[trcy]

I think since your friend has openly expressed concern it makes is easier to say something. You could recommend she have her DD evaluated because she is concerned. I would say something like, "Since you are concerned, maybe you should speak to your DD's ped. This will either calm your concerns or, if there is a delay, help your DD get support she needs." With everyone else telling her all is well and not to worry, I think that makes it harder for her to look into an evaluation. Your friend may be looking for validation and 'permission' to be concerned. Good luck, it is a hard spot for you to be in.

[TwinFoxes]

I agree with the PP. Next time she brings it up say "if you're concerned you can get a free evaluation through EI. I can send you the link when I get home". Then I'd send the link and drop it.

[mikala]

In your situation I think I'd just have a gentle, casual, private pconversation with her in person. If she mentions her concerns regularly that would be a good time to start a discussion about it.

I'd mention some of her child's awesome attributes and then reference your friend's own concerns about speech/frustrations with understanding her child and say that you ran across some expressive language info while looking at milestones for your own child. It made you think of what she's said about her child and you think she might want to run her concerns past her pediatrician just in case to rule out hearing issues and see if an EI eval might be a good fit to help encourage a language explosion.

I'd also try to genuinely compliment her parenting in some other way as part of the conversation, like saying you learned a lot about x from her or you love how she does x with her child and it reminds you to do the same.

I would try to leave out any examples about your own child's speech development unless she actively asks for it because that can sometimes make things a little too personal/competitive.

Personally I'd want to know since it could have long-ranging impacts and the investigation/treatment is readily available.

Good luck with the conversation!

[arivecchi]

I would only respond to a new comment/question. I would not bring it up - even if she has expressed concerns in the past. She may have talked to her ped about it and they may be on a holding pattern for a couple of months.

[crl]

Based on my experiences with peds, I would not punt back to the ped. I loved our ped with ds, and he was proactive in other areas, but for whatever reason he was "wait and see" with ds and his developmental issues. Yet when I self referred to EI, ds was twent-five percent delayed in speech and fine motor skills and had sensory integration issues and qualified for weekly services. Less than a year later he qualified for special education services and he received a total of five years of speech therapy. So, I was definitely not being an alarmist about the whole thing. As a result, I am skeptical of most regular peds' abilities to sort out developmental issues properly.

Catherine

[arivecchi]

I had the opposite experience. I had some concerns about DS2's motor development while my ped was saying we should give it more time. I overreacted and signed him up for EI based on the things I had read on this board. Many $$$ later, I dropped EI because I concluded it was not necessary. I now believe the ped was right and I should have just waited.

In any event, I just think it is a huge faux pas to mention anything about a child's development to a parent unless asked. I would assume that the parents are aware of what is going on with their child.

[crl]

I had the opposite experience. I had some concerns about DS2's motor development while my ped was saying we should give it more time. I overreacted and signed him up for EI based on the things I had read on this board. Many $$$ later, I dropped EI because I concluded it was not necessary. I now believe the ped was right and I should have just waited.

In any event, I just think it is a huge faux pas to mention anything about a child's development to a parent unless asked. I would assume that the parents are aware of what is going on with their child.

My response was not aimed at you; we cross posted. I was responding to some earlier suggestions to send the mom to her ped. (I have had a similar experience with a different ped for dd, not that I think she needs services, but the screening questions he asks are so few and so vague that I can see how serious issues could go completely unnoticed. He asks a couple of questions and then I have to bring up specific issues like not crossing the midline, etc). I am sorry you had a bad experience. I think there is little incentive in the EI system to provide therapy to kids who don't need it.

I am not sure that anyone is suggesting raising the issue out of the blue. The mom in this case is already doing that and the feedback she is getting from other parents is that everything is fine. I think it is very reasonable under those circumstances to validate the concerns she is raising by suggesting an evaluation. I know I was told by many people that ds was "fine" and it made it harder for me to make that call to get him the help he needed.

Catherine

Catherine

[Globetrotter]

Since she brought it up, I would talk to her in private and say... You seem concerned about dd's speech. You know what they say about parental intuition.. If I were you, I would get it checked just to be sure. It might be nothing, but at least then you'll know whether or not you need to be concerned about it.

[BabyBearsMom]

I agree with the PP. Next time she brings it up say "if you're concerned you can get a free evaluation through EI. I can send you the link when I get home". Then I'd send the link and drop it.


I would only respond to a new comment/question. I would not bring it up - even if she has expressed concerns in the past. She may have talked to her ped about it and they may be on a holding pattern for a couple of months.



In any event, I just think it is a huge faux pas to mention anything about a child's development to a parent unless asked. I would assume that the parents are aware of what is going on with their child.

ITA with Arivecchi and TwinFoxes. I wouldn't mention it unless the friend brought it up. My DD is really big for her age (she is 2 but looks 3) and I have had strangers come up to me at play places and say "I don't mean to be forward, but a child that age should be doing x, y and z. You should look into EI. My son had blah blah blah." This always gets under my skin since I know my DD is, if anything, advanced for her age and that because she is so tall, people will probably assume this for a long time.

[swissair81]

Based on my experiences with peds, I would not punt back to the ped. I loved our ped with ds, and he was proactive in other areas, but for whatever reason he was "wait and see" with ds and his developmental issues. Yet when I self referred to EI, ds was twent-five percent delayed in speech and fine motor skills and had sensory integration issues and qualified for weekly services. Less than a year later he qualified for special education services and he received a total of five years of speech therapy. So, I was definitely not being an alarmist about the whole thing. As a result, I am skeptical of most regular peds' abilities to sort out developmental issues properly.

Catherine

You're really lucky then. My area won't give public services for a child who is less than 50% delayed in any area (speech being among the hardest areas to qualify for) and my insurance won't pay for anything that they believe the school system should be taking care of for free. My son desperately needed PT and now could probably use OT, and he doesn't qualify. I ended up asking a therapist friend about exercises to do with him. I could go on and on about the problems with public services and with the new budget, things will only get worse.

[kara97210]

I would also bring up an example of successful EI in your discussion with her.

The thought of outside intervention can be very scary for a mom; I know it was for me when my DS was evaluated for a speech delay a couple of months ago. It helped me to learn about a number of kids I know IRL who went through speech therapy, and it was not a huge deal and they are doing great. Good luck!

[smilequeen]

I wouldn't say anything unless she brings it up again and if she does I might say that I think EI might help her catch up faster and have fewer frustrations. I think most kids will catch up on their own, but I am still a big believer in EI. My son's ped didn't think his speech was an issue, but his preschool teachers did. I'm glad I went with the speech therapy. I don't sit and wonder if he would have caught up on his own...I'm just glad we did something. It did turn out to be more significant than we originally thought anyway, but not something that couldn't be overcome. No one is ever going to know he had issues later on.

[crl]

You're really lucky then. My area won't give public services for a child who is less than 50% delayed in any area (speech being among the hardest areas to qualify for) and my insurance won't pay for anything that they believe the school system should be taking care of for free. My son desperately needed PT and now could probably use OT, and he doesn't qualify. I ended up asking a therapist friend about exercises to do with him. I could go on and on about the problems with public services and with the new budget, things will only get worse.

I know! I think it is very hard generally to get services unless a child is quite behind. For us, I think it was a combination of this being a while ago so public agency budgets weren't in quite such bad shape and of his delays being across multiple areas. IIRC, just a twenty five percent delay in expressive speech would not have gotten us any services, it was the combination of the three areas that got us in.

Nonetheless, the evaluation is free and I think it is worth pursuing when a parent is concerned.

Catherine

[swissair81]

I know! I think it is very hard generally to get services unless a child is quite behind. For us, I think it was a combination of this being a while ago so public agency budgets weren't in quite such bad shape and of his delays being across multiple areas. IIRC, just a twenty five percent delay in expressive speech would not have gotten us any services, it was the combination of the three areas that got us in.

Nonetheless, the evaluation is free and I think it is worth pursuing when a parent is concerned.

Catherine

The most annoying part was that it really was a more than 50% delay. Just it took them so long to schedule the evaluation, he was walking by the time it came around, and then it was only 30-40%. I was quite irritated. Before that, he wasn't walking or crawling until 16 months. We had hospital based therapy from 12-14 months, until my insurance decided they were kicking us out. I was so not pleased. If I had started a public eval at 12 months, he would have qualified for everything.

[Snow mom]

If she's brought it up several times I think I would go ahead and talk to her about EI. Unless she happens to bring it up again soon I would approach her and have a story about how you had recently learned that EI does free evaluations and provides services if a child qualifies and you know she's been concerned about her DDs speech and "it couldn't hurt to have a free eval done to get a speech expert to weigh in."

[sntm]

I don't think you need to wait until she brings it up again. If she's been told by a bunch of other people essentially to stop overreacting, she may be inwardly worried but not saying anything.

I would say something like, "I got into a discussion about early intervention for speech delays with some mom friends, and it made me think about when you told me you were concerned about your daughter. Based on the conversation, I think it would be reasonable to consider an evaluation. Supposedly, they are very low stress for her, even fun. At the very least, you would feel reassured if it was fine and if there is a problem, she could get some speech therapy to ensure she would not have problems in the future. I hope this doesn't sound meddlesome - I really mean it to be helpful. You know that I support you with whatever you decide, though - you are such a great mom and a great friend..." blah blah

[daisymommy]

Just a note, some Peds are really not much help with developmental concerns, so I personally would go straight to giving her the number for EI through your county.

I've had two different Peds put off my concerns with my own kids speech delays, and just kept saying give it time, they would come along eventually. And they didn't. I finally made the call on my own, and low and behold--yeah, they were each very delayed with expressive speech.
I wish I hadn't waited till an "expert" told me it was time to make the call. I wish I had of gone with my gut earlier.




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[kristac]

I don't think you need to wait until she brings it up again. If she's been told by a bunch of other people essentially to stop overreacting, she may be inwardly worried but not saying anything.

I would say something like, "I got into a discussion about early intervention for speech delays with some mom friends, and it made me think about when you told me you were concerned about your daughter. Based on the conversation, I think it would be reasonable to consider an evaluation. Supposedly, they are very low stress for her, even fun. At the very least, you would feel reassured if it was fine and if there is a problem, she could get some speech therapy to ensure she would not have problems in the future. I hope this doesn't sound meddlesome - I really mean it to be helpful. You know that I support you with whatever you decide, though - you are such a great mom and a great friend..." blah blah

I like this approach and it is one I have used with a few of my friends all of whom have taken my advise and gotten evaluations done (and qualified for therapy).

[DrSally]

I talked to a friend in our playgroup who has a 2 yo that didn't have a single word (just grunts and exclamations). I just said that an eval just gives you info and can't really hurt. She said she didn't want to go for one b/c she was afraid of what they would find out and was certain her DS was within the range of normal (not really). You can only offer suggestions, but ultimately, what other's do is their own choice.

ETA: Let me clarify that this friend asked me point blank if it was ok that her 2 yo had no words (she thought it was). The ladies in this playgroup know I have a PhD in psychology (so presumably might know something about child development). I felt it was my duty to gently encourage her to seek out an eval, and try to ally her fears on it (which didn't end up working, but at least I tried).

[AnnieW625]

IMHO and as someone who has been through this I would not say anything unless she mentions that nothing has been said at his 2 yr. appointment.

I knew something was up with DD1's language development at around 15-18 months because she only knew the same seven words and was nowhere close to putting two words together or saying them all day after day, but unless someone really close to me like my mom, or my DCP I think I might have been a little taken aback if someone had mentioned something to me.

[megs4413]

I would because I think it's important for kids to get this kind of intervention as early as possible, but BEWARE! they always shoot the messenger! I had a girl ask me specifically (because she knew i'd had my kids eval'd for issues) and when I gave her my honest opinion (that an eval couldn't hurt and that it did sound outside of the normal range) she FLIPPED OUT at me! in fact, she was a freelance writer for a local kids magazine and she wrote an entire article about me (of course not using my name.) it was awful!

btw, her son did end up needing intervention and she got the eval a YEAR after I'd told her to get the eval. Can you IMAGINE how much better off he'd have been if she'd done the eval sooner? the kid is still delayed. UGH! People are so dumb sometimes! /rant

[niccig]

I would because I think it's important for kids to get this kind of intervention as early as possible, but BEWARE! they always shoot the messenger! I had a girl ask me specifically (because she knew i'd had my kids eval'd for issues) and when I gave her my honest opinion (that an eval couldn't hurt and that it did sound outside of the normal range) she FLIPPED OUT at me! in fact, she was a freelance writer for a local kids magazine and she wrote an entire article about me (of course not using my name.) it was awful!

btw, her son did end up needing intervention and she got the eval a YEAR after I'd told her to get the eval. Can you IMAGINE how much better off he'd have been if she'd done the eval sooner? the kid is still delayed. UGH! People are so dumb sometimes! /rant

A friend works with preschoolers who have special needs. She said it's often the 3rd messenger the parents will listen to - 3rd doctor, teacher, preschool. They don't want to hear it when the first 2 people to say something raise concerns. I think it's denial and fear. I agree the sooner the better for evaluation and help.