Destination Weddings: Yay or Nay?

[Mermanaid]

My BFF has finally set a date to get married 6 months from now. Except she wants to get married in Hawaii. Fine and dandy ... but I am not working regularly and the tix from my area are running $700 to $800, plus the hotel. I'm looking at spending about $2k for a long weekend to attend her wedding. She is trying to get discounts but really ... this is a huge chunk of change.

So, are you for or against destination weddings?

I think I am for them ... but you cannot get upset when everyone is not there. FTR, I tried to talk her into just the two of them getting married in HI and then coming back and having a large party. No dice.

[brittone2]

I think it is a lovely and perfectly wonderful choice, but like you, I agree that the B&G need to be realistic and understand that many people can't attend a destination wedding for a variety of reasons.

[MommyofAmaya]

We had one. I knew our parents would be there. Otherwise, I didn't expect anybody else, especially at that time in our lives, when nobody really had a good job yet. Luckily we had a full wedding party scrape up the change to celebrate with us. Instead of tangible gifts for the wedding party, we paid for their excursions, so they could enjoy themselves without stressing. I think that made it worth it for everybody.

[boolady]

I think it is a lovely and perfectly wonderful choice, but like you, I agree that the B&G need to be realistic and understand that many people can't attend a destination wedding for a variety of reasons.

:yeahthat: I think that if that's what they want to do, great, but then they need to understand that it's very possible that only a handful of people, at most, may be able to attend. If they're good with that, then it doesn't matter to me.

[Mermanaid]

I'm getting the guilt treatment from her. Maybe I am still harboring ill will. I was 24 when I got married (in the States). I gave her a year's notice, told her that she would stay with me @ my parents house, etc. so very little outlay. She still did not come because of "financial reasons." Don't feel bad ... she had a job, no student loans, etc. Lived lean. So ... guess I am feeling miffed that I am expected to shell out all this cash when she literally had to buy a $300 airline tix to attend mine.

[wellyes]

I think destination weddings are great, but there is no way people who have them can get annoyed when guests can't come. That's unreasonable.

I would guilt trip her right back into putting you in a position of having to explain your financial woes to a friend. That is poor etiquette.

[Green_Tea]

I think brides and grooms should get married wherever they want to, but shouldn't be surprised when most of the invitees decline to attend when doing so would involve plane tickets and multi-night hotel stays. I have replied no to MANY destination weddings. When I was in my 20s I was invited to 2 or 3 a year! I simply couldn't (and still can't) afford to spend thousands of dollars a year to travel to far-flung locales.

[MommyofAmaya]

I'm getting the guilt treatment from her. Maybe I am still harboring ill will. I was 24 when I got married (in the States). I gave her a year's notice, told her that she would stay with me @ my parents house, etc. so very little outlay. She still did not come because of "financial reasons." Don't feel bad ... she had a job, no student loans, etc. Lived lean. So ... guess I am feeling miffed that I am expected to shell out all this cash when she literally had to buy a $300 airline tix to attend mine.

I would feel exactly the same and I think you have a free pass on this one. In addition, I would have a HARD time spending that much money on a "holiday" that didn't include my family at this point in my life.

[crl]

I think it is a lovely and perfectly wonderful choice, but like you, I agree that the B&G need to be realistic and understand that many people can't attend a destination wedding for a variety of reasons.

I agree. It is unreasonable for her to make you feel guilty if you can't make it.

(Everywhere was kind of a destination wedding for us in that our friends and family were scattered so people would have to travel no matter what. That being said we got married in the church my parents got married in, near where they were were living and where I had graduated from high school. I didn't get upset with anyone who couldn't make it and was glad for those who could. We also encouraged our friends to come instead of buying us a gift if that worked for them.)

Catherine

[trcy]

I think it is a lovely and perfectly wonderful choice, but like you, I agree that the B&G need to be realistic and understand that many people can't attend a destination wedding for a variety of reasons.
:yeahthat: And there should be no guilt on your end if you cannot attend.

[elektra]

We had a destination wedding and it was awesome. I think it's a great idea. But how in the world can your friend be guilt tripping you when she didn't even come to your wedding? When we were deciding on where to have our wedding, I actually asked our immediate family and best friends if they would be able to make it before we committed to doing it in Hawaii. I was not disappointed when certain people said they couldn't make it. it is totally understandable (except for my FIL, who did not come to our wedding and had no excuse.)

[arivecchi]

We had one too, but it was really small. Some of our close family members who we really wanted there could not afford it so we paid their way. Like a PP, our families would have had to travel anyway, so someone was always going to end up paying for air fare, hotels, etc.

[BabbyO]

I think it is a lovely and perfectly wonderful choice, but like you, I agree that the B&G need to be realistic and understand that many people can't attend a destination wedding for a variety of reasons.

:yeahthat: Totally agree. Though there have been grudges held in my dads family over a destination wedding. So silly! Not everyone can come, not everyone can manage the time off, $$ for travel, etc. Heck, I couldn't even manage the time off for my cousin's wedding in CO. I sent a nice card and gift, best wishes, and my regrets that we couldn't make it.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I think destination weddings are great, but there is no way people who have them can get annoyed when guests can't come. That's unreasonable.

I would guilt trip her right back into putting you in a position of having to explain your financial woes to a friend. That is poor etiquette.

:yeahthat:

It's their wedding but they need to have reasonable guest expectations.

[pinay]

I've always advised my friends who got married after me with two words- "destination wedding" :) I think they're awesome and can be a lot of fun, BUT the bride and groom have to be OK with the fact that some people can't/won't be able to attend for various reasons. That stinks that she's guilt tripping you- if she wants you there so badly, she should foot at least part of the bill. It's her decision to go to Hawaii and she needs to accept the possible consequences of that, not blame others when they can't accommodate her.

[sntm]

Agree with everyone - I love them, but she has to expect that some people can't or won't spend that much to attend, should NEVER guilttrip anyone for something like that, and especially not when she didn't attend yours! Bridezilla much?

[BabyBearsMom]

I think they are great. DH's cousin got married in Mexico a few years ago and it was great. The only negative was that they had to wait months for their marriage license to come.

[Globetrotter]

What I would have given for a destination wedding after my big fat Indian wedding! However, once you make that decision, you cannot complain that people can't make it.

My good friend got married on a boat. Lovely ceremony and very appropriate for them but No kids allowed and I was full time nursing an infant at the time so there was no way to make it work.. Even if dh had stayed in the hotel room with the kids, what if ds was inconsolable? I couldn't exactly jump ship and swim to shore, you know.

[Pear]

If someone wants a destination wedding they need to be prepared that most people can't attend. They should also be prepared to help key family members attend if they plan something out of their reasonable budget.

[codex57]

They're great!

Provided you don't pressure anyone and are ok with you two being the only people there besides the officiant.

[TwinFoxes]

How in the world can your friend be guilt tripping you when she didn't even come to your wedding?

Seriously! That is some nerve. I'm with everyone else, have a destination wedding if you want, but if people can't come, you can't act annoyed. And certainly no guilt tripping, that's not cool at all.

[hopeful_mama]

We were planning on having a destination wedding at my favorite place. No one would have had to fly (except DHs parents who had to cross an ocean regardless), but an extra couple hours drive, and staying onsite would have been expensive (though there were cheaper alternatives not too far away). It was really nice to have the fantasy of a wedding there (had thought of it since I was a girl), and the knowledge that we could make it a reality.

But, the more I thought about how my grandmother wouldn't be able to come, and how it would be difficult for families with young children, or older couples, or those with limited finances, or even just how annoyed people might be to have to shell out the extra cash - I gave up the dream. [We would have covered the rooms for DH's parents and my BFF/maid of honor, as they couldn't have afforded it, and were trying to figure out if we could cover extra rooms for family but it was getting pretty expensive.]

We did end up making most people drive an extra hour-ish - but close enough that my grandmother was able to come, so it seemed a fair trade :) I would have rather had her there than ten casual acquaintances, and now that she's passed I'm so glad that she was able to be there.

[hellokitty]

I think destination weddings are great, but there is no way people who have them can get annoyed when guests can't come. That's unreasonable.

I would guilt trip her right back into putting you in a position of having to explain your financial woes to a friend. That is poor etiquette.

:yeahthat: We decided against a destination wedding, since the only ppl who would be able to come would be ppl that we didn't really like that much anyway (extended family), most of our friends were still new grads from college, they wouldn't have been able to afford the trip. So, we decided to stay local. You can't fault ppl for not being able to afford to attend a big trip for a wknd just to attend a wedding, esp in this economy. I think her bridezilla veil is tainting her view.

I was MOH at my friend's wedding 2 yrs ago, she got married over 10 yrs after I did and was very bitter that none of us (all of us in her bridal party were all at least 3-5 yrs older than her with kids, plus the other two bridesmaids were not in good financial shape, both husbands had lost their jobs) could, "party it up" with her. I have to admit that I was annoyed by her attitude. Yes, we were at different points of her life and nobody was in as good of a financial situation as she was (basically, DINKS and her husband is a physician), I had a 5 wk old baby that I had to bring to the wedding with me and mil/fil watched my older two at their house... there is no way I was going to party with her for her wedding, and I'm sorry if she felt that way. I actually gave her a chance to pick a different bridesmaid, but she said she still wanted me, even though I was hugely pregnant for her 100 person wedding shower that I basically threw (other two bridesmaids did squat, I was pissed) and I had a BFing newborn to deal with during her wedding day. I wasn't there to have fun, I was there to stand for her, since that was what she wished.

If you are a bridesmaid and think that this isn't going to work out, I would just flat out tell her now that maybe she should pick another bridesmaid. She won't be happy, but if I had to do it over again, instead of giving my friend the choice of whether or not she still wanted me as a bridesmaid, I would have just graciously told her that I could not be her bridesmaid. I know that she was not happy with my, "performance" as her MOH, b/c I haven't seen her since her wedding and I have a feeling that it is b/c she still harbors resentment toward me for not having the wedding experience of a 20-something yr old, since her entire wedding party were made of late 30's-early 40's moms.

[Mermanaid]

Glad to know I am not crazy! I am not a bridesmaid. They are not having anyone stand with them by choice.

[klwa]

Don't like them, especially if there's some sort of guilt trip about attendance. I'm fine if you want to run off & get married, but just do that! (No offense to those who had them. I'm just crotchety today.)

However, taking a page from the Clark Howard playbook :), have you priced flights to a major west coast city & then a seperate flight to Hawaii from there? Supposedly, you can greatly drop your travel cost that way.

[rin]

Agreed: it's a fun thing to do, but you need to be realistic about whether others can come.

When DH and I got married, because we were living in a different town (and totally different part of the country) from where either of us had grown up/had family, essentially no matter where we held our wedding it would be a destination wedding for some large contingent of our guests. We ended up holding it in my hometown, so all of his family, a lot of my extended family, and most of our friends had to buy tickets and hotel rooms to attend. As a result, probably only half of the people we invited were able to attend, which we expected.

We have another friend who got married in the south of France; he rented out a villa and extended an invitation to the entire wedding party to stay there for the duration of the wedding week. We didn't go (we weren't asked to be wedding party members, just guests), but my understanding is that he basically offered to pay for accommodations/etc for the closest people who he really expected to be there, and then extended a pretty broad invitation to others with the understanding that there would no hard feelings if they couldn't make it.

[Jai]

I think I am for them ... but you cannot get upset when everyone is not there. FTR, I tried to talk her into just the two of them getting married in HI and then coming back and having a large party. No dice.

:yeahthat:

I am for whatever wedding a couple wants to do, but I think with a destination wedding you must be prepared that some guests may not be able to make it. A good college friend of mine had a destination wedding. I was not able to make it due to the cost of airfare alone. She totally understood, and I sent an awesome gift.

I never considered a destination wedding because DH and I come from large families (we had over 320 guests). I would have been very sad if they had not been able to attend, and we probably would have only had immediate family and some college friends if we had a destination wedding.

[KpbS]

There is no way I would shell out 2k for a weekend. Since she is your bff, she should take your feelings into account and know that there is a strong possibility that you may not be able to travel since you are in the stage of life you are in--work, kids, etc. I can't believe she is giving you a guilt trip about it:thumbsdown: Don't feel bad, just tell her sorry, I can't make it!

[wellyes]

But, the more I thought about how my grandmother wouldn't be able to come, and how it would be difficult for families with young children, or older couples, or those with limited finances, or even just how annoyed people might be to have to shell out the extra cash - I gave up the dream. [We would have covered the rooms for DH's parents and my BFF/maid of honor, as they couldn't have afforded it, and were trying to figure out if we could cover extra rooms for family but it was getting pretty expensive.]

I had a destination wedding, then a reception at home - big dinner, tents in the backyard. It was really fun for us.

[theriviera]

I think it is a lovely and perfectly wonderful choice, but like you, I agree that the B&G need to be realistic and understand that many people can't attend a destination wedding for a variety of reasons.

:yeahthat:

We essentially had a destination wedding. We were living in my DH's hometown, 3000 miles away from my hometown. My parents paid for the wedding and I wanted to have it close to them but not in my hometown. We had the wedding in our college town. Everyone had to travel. People from my hometown were able to drive back that night but most people stayed so they could enjoy the party :jammin:

A lot of people couldn't make which we totally understood and expected.

[mackmama]

I'm not a big fan of them since they ask the guests to spend a lot of money on airline tix, hotel, food, etc plus multiple days.

[elephantmeg]

my bro had a destination wedding to Jamaica when DD was under 3 months old. We didn't go. But they had 2 separate receptions-a big BBQ one at our house and an Indian one in Chicago and we went to both. They were very gracious about the fact we couldn't come. In fact when we were TTC we talked about how that would probably mean not going to their wedding and my bro said not to change how we wanted our family spaced to make their wedding work

[iaam]

I'm not a big fan of them since they ask the guests to spend a lot of money on airline tix, hotel, food, etc plus multiple days.

I am with you!

It's not an affordability thing for me - luckily we have a reasonable amount of disposable income and could probably make a trip like the one OP is describing. However, I want to spend my time and money on a trip of my choosing. And, I definitely want to be able to take my kids on any fun trips (and maybe even coordinate with my parents and/or brother + SIL, as the case may be). We are very short on 'free time' with our schedules and I would (and do) resent having to use a substantial amount of it to attend someone's destination wedding.

I completely agree with all PPs that a guilt trip of any sort is completely inappropriate on OP's friend's part!

[niccig]

I'm getting the guilt treatment from her. Maybe I am still harboring ill will. I was 24 when I got married (in the States). I gave her a year's notice, told her that she would stay with me @ my parents house, etc. so very little outlay. She still did not come because of "financial reasons." Don't feel bad ... she had a job, no student loans, etc. Lived lean. So ... guess I am feeling miffed that I am expected to shell out all this cash when she literally had to buy a $300 airline tix to attend mine.

What she's miffed you can't afford to go, but she missed yours for the same reason???

Remind her she missed your wedding for finances, tell her sorry, and do something to celebrate when they get back eg. dinner at your house.

We had a destination wedding as my family all live over seas, so we choose Hawaii as it's half way between. We knew some people wouldn't attend and were fine with that.

A very good friend of mine got married in February and was upset I didn't go back - like you it would be thousands of dollars and it was in middle of my semester (I'm back in school). She tried to guilt me and I refused - a) we paid for her to come to our wedding and b) scheduled it for time when it was convenient. I sent her a nice card and a wedding blessing poem to be read at the wedding - turns out the post there didn't deliver it, so didn't get anything until after her wedding, but I tried.

[AnnieW625]

I am not entirely against them if that is what the couple wants, but if the couple wants or expect everyone and their brother that they would normally invite to a stateside wedding to come then I think they will be extremely dissapointed if they can't make it; but like the others have said there should be no guilt if you can't make it.

We almost went to a destination wedding in Hawaii a few years back, but the timing just didn't work out for us; if they had done it the following week it would have been great.

The following year we went to a destination wedding on the coast of Massachussets. Not a fancy island thing or anything, but it was really fun and we had a great time. We also got to see some of DH's family we had not seen in a while, since BIL's wedding. That was the last big vacation we took.

[megs4413]

you know, IMO, it used to be called "eloping." destination weddings are a total croc. Sorry, just how I feel! If you welcome friends/family to come, that's great, but you have to understand that they may or may not be able to attend. if what's important to you is having your friends/family there to witness your nuptials, then get married in a central location. if you'd rather have it be exotic and exciting, then expect to be on your own.