*Updated the OP* What is going on with my parents? Am I a jerk?

[sunnyside]

My parents are here visiting and they happened to show up the day that DD started her reaction to the penicillin. They are here to help and visit with DD since I'm working 50-60 hrs a week and don't have time to come there.

But they are here and I'm so anxious and haven't slept for days since DD's rash and I am so irritable. My parents are older, with my mom 76 and my dad 72. My dad is driving erratically, ran a stop sign, drives 45 on the freeway, was watching the baseball game at a red light on his phone, and never has any clue which way to go.

My mom is similarly doing stuff like that. She left the oven on because she thought it would turn itself off (maybe her's would, but I'm confused by that).. And many other things.

The communication is terrilbe because no one communicates directly. Like we had waffled on what for dinner if anything last night and sort of half assed decided to get a pizza, but no one said they were really hungry. I tried to order it at 10:15 and the place was closed. So I asked if anyone was hungry and really needed to eat so I would know if I should find something else and the answers were: My dad: Well, you know me, if there is something to eat I'll eat it, but I'm not hungry. My mom: If you're getting some than I would eat it.

So I said, Ok, then I am not going to order since no one is hungry and it's late. But then they were both irritated. SO I asked how come they didn't say they were hungry. So confusing.

Every time I ask a question, the answer is odd.

Like my mom went for a walk with DD. I called her, thinking I would come meet them. I asked where they were. Her answer is: We will come back now, we didn't go too far.

Is that normal? So then I had to say, "Well, I was wondering WHERE you are, so I can come walk with you."

I told them we were taking DD to the ER yesterday and I got myself ready and a screaming baby ready and said the car is leaving in 5 minutes and my dad was sitting in his PJs playing with his phone and said he needs a bunch of time to get ready, and I told him we were going and he could come meet us later if he wanted, but i wasn't waiting. I felt irritated that my baby was screaming and he couldn't get dressed by the time I got myself and a screaming baby ready to go (1.5 hours it took).

Am I crazy? Are my parents getting senile? I'm filled with anxiety about all of this.

DD pooped and I said I needed to change her and my mom said maybe she is eating more since she isn't having a reaction to the medicine. I said she isn't pooping anymore than usual, she just pooped, it's not a big deal.

I feel like I am in crazy town. Please tell me that I am just sleep deprived or something from being up for three days with an itchy baby and after a good night's sleep this will be fine..

I wanted to add some history, so I'm adding this to give some clarity on what the past has been like at times:

I want to add that when I was 25, my dad left me on the side of the freeway in the snow at sundown on Christmas Eve, with a broken ankle, on crutches, because I was mad and asked him to stop and let me get out for a minute. I kept asking to get out and I was really upset and wanted out of the car. I meant to stop at an exit, but he kept passing exits. Finally I said, Look, I am an adult and I want you to stop the car so I can get out! So he pulled over on the freeway??!!!??! I didn't know what to do so I got out. I took a couple deep breaths and looked away and all of a sudden he started the car and drove away! So I had to hobble down the freeway to a break in the fence, and crawl over/through it, down a hill in the snow, and into some weird neighborhood and get directions to a hotel. I could have not even had my wallet with me! Luckily I did and checked into a hotel and kept calling them, and they finally drove back to get me a few hours later.

He thought I wanted out and was done hanging out with them, and was going to fly back to California or something. We were driving from their house to my grandmas house to visit, so we were really in the middle of nowhere. They came back to get me and drove to my Grandmas.

I never believed he would drive away and leave me! I thought he'd just give me a minute to breathe air outside. We were arguing about Bill Clinton, because my dad hated him so much and I just asked him what the deal was, and he got all mad at me. (I am not even political at all, you can probably see why).

That was Christmas eve.

Anyway, so yeah, there is a history of weird behavior.

[niccig]

Wow, the last few days have been tough!!

To answer your question about your parents, it's probably a combination of your parents being out of their normal environment and you being worried about the baby, it's been a stressful few days so things that wouldn't bother you have more impact..

I've found the older my parents get, the more difficult it is for them to not be at home. My parents have their routines at home and do not deviate from them so they're quite discombobulated when they visit us. MIL is older than my parents and she's much better, but she's still working and visits us more often.

Hope the rest of their stay is uneventful and you get some needed sleep!

[TwinFoxes]

Oh man, I get tense reading that! You poor thing. I don't think they're senile, they're just old and acting like annoying old people (I don't think all old people are annoying so don't flame me). My MIL isn't even close to that age, and I've had that same "do you want to eat" conversation. My dad would have gotten annoyed that I didn't wait for him to get ready for the ER. Your mom was probably worried you were checking up on her, so she gave her non-sensical we'll be right back answer.

It sounds really stressful. :hug: But I don't know what to do other than what you're doing. Maybe read between the crazy lines a bit more? ;)

[MamaSnoo]

Do they hear well? My mother is losing her hearing, and I get all kinds of crazy-talk sort-of non-sequitor responses from her. She does not want to admit it is an issue, so she just pretends she hears and makes stuff up. It is stressful, esp if we are talking about something important.

[MamaMolly]

Well my mom is starting to slip, if you know what I mean. She knows it and is trying to cover it up but we picked up on it as early as when Lula was born. I refused to allow my mom to drive with her in the car. It caused hard feelings but I really couldn't concern myself with wounded pride when it came to keeping my DD reasonably safe.

DH and I have been noticing it getting more pronounced since Dolly was born. Then she visited this Christmas and it was really bad. Mom lives with my older sister who has (IMO) been in complete denial about all this no matter how many times I try to bring it up, but last week I got an email saying that she noticed it too. So I think it must be getting pretty bad if my sister is willing to admit there is a problem (whole 'nother BP ;)).

I think in your parent's case some of it is normal for being out of sorts in another home, but there is no way I'd be a passenger with ANYONE who is that into their phone while driving, can't/won't figure out directions and is being flaky.

Good luck and I hope you and DD get some sleep and feel better soon!

[Globetrotter]

:hug: I know it is stressful. First of all, you are already going through a stressful time. On top of that, it is hard to see our parents age.. We become parents to them :( They are also creatures of habit. I wanted mine to move across the country to live near us, but I'm afraid it would be too difficult to adjust to a new place.

I told my dad he better focus on driving because he will lose his license if he gets into an accident at his age. Dont know if this is true but it got his attention.


MamaSnoo Do they hear well? My mother is losing her hearing, and I get all kinds of crazy-talk sort-of non-sequitor responses from her. She does not want to admit it is an issue, so she just pretends she hears and makes stuff up. It is stressful, esp if we are talking about something important.


My dad's friend is concerned he may have early dementia, but the other concern is hearing loss (please let it just be that!). After years of denial, he is finally agreeing to get his hearing tested.
I am relieved to read that your mom has similar behavior related to hearing loss. In his case, the ent suggested it. I know it is very hard to convince a stubborn parent to get a hearing aid :hug:

[sunnyside]

I just wanted to say thank you SO much for the support! And I am sorry so many of you are going through similar things. It is so hard. I am seeing that this is the beginning of something I will need to learn about. I do have one brother (older), but he is not really in a position to understand or help. He is not even self sufficient himself. In fact, I fear that when my parents cannot help him anymore, that he will be in a real bind.

[deborah_r]

I want to add that when I was 25, my dad left me on the side of the freeway in the snow at sundown on Christmas Eve, with a broken ankle, on crutches, because I was mad and asked him to stop and let me get out for a minute. I kept asking to get out and I was really upset and wanted out of the car. I meant to stop at an exit, but he kept passing exits. Finally I said, Look, I am an adult and I want you to stop the car so I can get out! So he pulled over on the freeway??!!!??! I didn't know what to do so I got out. I took a couple deep breaths and looked away and all of a sudden he started the car and drove away! So I had to hobble down the freeway to a break in the fence, and crawl over/through it, down a hill in the snow, and into some weird neighborhood and get directions to a hotel. I could have not even had my wallet with me! Luckily I did and checked into a hotel and kept calling them, and they finally drove back to get me a few hours later.

He thought I wanted out and was done hanging out with them, and was going to fly back to California or something. We were driving from their house to my grandmas house to visit, so we were really in the middle of nowhere. They came back to get me and drove to my Grandmas.

I never believed he would drive away and leave me! I thought he'd just give me a minute to breathe air outside. We were arguing about Bill Clinton, because my dad hated him so much and I just asked him what the deal was, and he got all mad at me. (I am not even political at all, you can probably see why).

That was Christmas eve.

Anyway, so yeah, there is a history of weird behavior.

Wow. I think I'd be really tempted to take dad out for a "drive". On the freeway. In the snow. Not so sure I could forgive that one.

[Globetrotter]

Wow, sunny side, that was unacceptable! What if you had been kidnapped!!

Ok, I know I am generally paranoid.

One thing I did that I would highly recommend is giving them an iPad. My dad does Skype but mom hates the computer.
Since I gave them an iPad, I hooked her up to email (though she has never checked it without help) and we do FaceTime daily. It helps me to see them on a daily basis and see if my dad is functioning normally. I know this is only a very small thing, but it has given me great peace of mind to know that I can check in on them this way. I also test his memory and cognitive abilities this way. Not the same as being there but better than nothing, I suppose.

Of course, they would have to be willing and able to learn how to use it. My dad likes gadgets so it works for us.

[sunnyside]

Thank you!!!

And yes, Globetrotter, I actually was terrified I would get kidnapped! All these people kept blowing their horns at me. It was so awful!

I just returned from my therapist and told her and she said that was sadistic.... I'm starting to wonder about all of my family etc. I feel like I'm the only sane one in a sea of crazy.

[sunnyside]

It gives me a little anxiety that so many people have read my post with so few replies. I know not everyone replies to everything and I am that way too, but over 500 people read it! EEEK! I get a little of a complex! Is that normal?

[niccig]

Remember multiple views by the same people, so the actual number wouldn't be that high.

[sunnyside]

Remember multiple views by the same people, so the actual number wouldn't be that high.

Thank you! That makes me feel better. I understand because I nurse at the keyboard and read without responding quite a bit.

[niccig]

Thank you! That makes me feel better. I understand because I nurse at the keyboard and read without responding quite a bit.

If I've posted a comment, I'll check back in later to see where the conversation has gone. I might reply again or I might not.

[MamaMolly]

If I've posted a comment, I'll check back in later to see where the conversation has gone. I might reply again or I might not.

Just checking in and had to type something so you don't feel like I'm a stalker ;)

[sunnyside]

Thank you!!! Yeah, I think I just feel bad for complaining about my parents. And then I saw those numbers and thought, EEEK, maybe I really am a jerk and no one wants to tell me the truth. But I'm back on planet earth now.

[sunnyside]

I do feel guilty.

My mother just asked me if she should wear black pants or white pants due to the weather outside. I asked if one pair was warmer than the other and she said no. They are the same, but she was just curious if one would be better because of the cool weather. I really didn't know what to say. And she asks questions similar to this many times a day... Does that make sense?

[lizzywednesday]

I do feel guilty.

My mother just asked me if she should wear black pants or white pants due to the weather outside. I asked if one pair was warmer than the other and she said no. They are the same, but she was just curious if one would be better because of the cool weather. I really didn't know what to say. And she asks questions similar to this many times a day... Does that make sense?

Don't feel guilty. This is a "safe space" for venting.

Sometimes I read a BP and feel like I have nothing productive to add to the conversation, so I read without responding. And sometimes I try to say something but it's coming out the wrong way as I type it so I cancel the responses.

I go through what you're describing with your parents with my dad's mom a lot. She'll ask the weirdest and most random questions, and it's getting worse the older she gets and the more pills she needs to take. She always comments that my DD's hair is getting lighter, for example, and it's not. It's actually getting darker (thank goodness because I am SICK of having random people look at DD and I out & about as if I can't possibly be her mommy because I'm a brunette & she's a blonde) ... or she makes statements to the effect that she hopes DD's hair will stay blonde (I don't!)

Oh and for your mom's question, I'd tell her the black pants would feel warmer if it's sunny outside because black absorbs the heat from the sun.

[hellokitty]

SS- PLEASE do not feel guilty, you have every right to vent. Just b/c they are your parents, it doesn't mean that you should just always have to put up with their stubborn/unreasonable behavior. Your parents sound a LOT like my parents. My dad has threatened to jump out of the car before while we were on the freeway and I was trying to get my mom to wear a seat belt (and he is the type of idiot who would go through with it, I guess he did not see the value of me telling my mom to wear a seatbelt) and other crazy things. My mom asks a lot of dumb/weird questions like your mom does now, it drives my brother and I crazy. I think part of it is age and part of it is that they don't have much in common with us, so they don't know what to talk about and fill in the void with weird/odd comments.

I also have concerns about some early onset dementia with both of my parents, BUT it is REALLY hard to tell. My mom, I cannot tell if it's just normal aging or she's showing signs of early dementia. My dad, is just difficult, since he has a horrible personality and has always been erratic with a bad temper. My mom says he is getting worse, he seems about the same to me, but since he has always gone against the flow, him becoming more difficult (which seems common among elderly who are starting down the path of dementia) just seems, "normal" to us. I'm wondering if you are having the same dilemma.

[sunnyside]

I'm listening to my mom do her bible study answers now and she is 15 feet away from me talking about how the pagans will be judged. I'm an atheist or agnostic or something like that and it really makes me really on edge.

She just said "These people will have to answer and will go to hell. Not too fun."

I'm really frustrated and disgusted now too.

[sunnyside]

Thank you everyone again! I'm so frustrated. It's such a lonely feeling to be a single MOM working FT, and have my family be so crazy and my ex be so crazy and I recently moved to a new town after having been isolated in my last town with my ex for 5 years. I am doing pretty well and usually happy, but with a sick baby this week and my family driving me up the wall, I just am super tired!

[elliput]

I'm listening to my mom do her bible study answers now and she is 15 feet away from me talking about how the pagans will be judged. I'm an atheist or agnostic or something like that and it really makes me really on edge.

She just said "These people will have to answer and will go to hell. Not too fun."

I'm really frustrated and disgusted now too.

Not sure how someone is going to answer to something they don't believe in and go somewhere that they do not believe exists, but if that gives her comfort... :wink2:

[sunnyside]

That is true.

I think it's made even more odd because I heard her speaking with my brother on the phone and he has decided to choose a church and was asking her advice.

For some context, he is my older brother and has a wife who stays home with their two children. My parents purchased him a home and pay a portion of his bills and pay his car insurance, and gave him a car. He told his boss F*%*$ You last year and lost his job. So he is now only making about $15 an hour so they are having to help him a little more. They subsidize his income by about $40K a year.

I just feel like my whole family is so crazy. (Not that religious people are crazy, but my family is just crazy in a million ways).