How to talk about special friends, differences, tolerance, etc

[amldaley]

I am pretty comfortable talking to DD1 re: differences. We addressed race very easily and naturally. The community we work and socialize in is fairly racially diverse and at the same time she was curious and learning her colors, she had a black teacher, and a Pacific Islander teacher. We have addressed physical disabilities (she has a classmate in a walker and a classmate with special glasses). She has been very accepting.

Now she has a little girl in her pre-school class with Autism. I suspect she is pretty far to the right on the spectrum.

DD1 wants to include her in play and wants to hug her, etc. I am proud that she does not exclude this child for her differences, but now she is asking questions. We have had the "some people are good at some things and some people are good at other things" talk and the "we are all special" talk. But she wants to know more.

How do you address this with little ones? Any parents of kids out there who are challenged in different ways care to weigh in on how you would want classmates to treat your child, address and understand your child's differences?

[maestramommy]

Right now we are operating on the "answer their questions" philosophy. Which so far lets us off the hook, because only Dora is asking questions, and she doesn't ask a lot of questions. We've only gotten as far as same sex marriage. She doesn't ask about color, but we do not live in a diverse area. That's not to say we never see people of color, because we do. But she doesn't seem to have any questions about it. I mean, WE are of color, though she might not know it:tongue5:. Our neighbor's DS has Downs, and either the kids don't notice, or don't care, because they have not asked any questions about him. DH's cousin's DD is severely autistic. And they only know that when she visits we have to keep all books and blingy things out of sight (she loves rip paper, beads, filmy materials), because M doesn't know that certain things are not for ripping, she's a little different. But they just don't question.

The kids are currently attending a Young Athletes program with the Special Olympics. It's for typical and SN kids 2-7. There are quite a few SN kids who attend, but so far even Laurel doesn't do much but see that a kid might be different, maybe note it. But they don't seem to react in any particular way. Maybe it's because Dora and Arwyn have been going to school with SN kids in their classes for 2 years now, so it's just part of their reality. I do talk about one little girl (DD of a friend) and explain that she is in a wheelchair because it's taking her a very long time to learn how to walk, which is true.

[Katigre]

When we were in a bible study small group with a girl who had severe autism (she was 12 and non verbal along with many behavioral things) I explained to DS that her brain worked differently and that she had trouble with things because of that (she would sometimes freak out about certain sounds, make vocalizations, try to turn off all the lights, etc... - she had someone with her 1:1 but it as still obvious to the other kids that something was not typical with her).

He accepted that and as we've gotten to know other children with special needs the explanation about their brains has helped him.

[Gena]

Here are a couple of good books to explain differences with autism:

My Friend with Autism: A Coloring Book for Peers and Siblings (http://www.amazon.com/My-Friend-Autism-Coloring-Siblings/dp/1885477899/ref=sr_1_10?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1308313596&sr=1-10)
I like this book and am very impressed with how it explains autism to typical kids. The book also has a section with information and tips for adults, which can be helpful for parents and teachers who don't have much experience with autism.

We also enjoy this pair of books:
Tobin Learns to Make Friends (http://www.amazon.com/Tobin-Learns-Friends-Diane-Murrell/dp/1885477791/ref=pd_bxgy_b_text_b)
Friends Learn about Tobin (http://www.amazon.com/Friends-Learn-about-Tobin-Murrell/dp/1932565418/ref=pd_bxgy_b_text_b)

In these adorable books, Tobin is a loney little red engine with social difficulties. He wants to be friends with the other engines. In the first book (Tobin Learns to Make Friends), Tobin learns about how to be a friend and the book talks about personal space, taking turns, sharing, being polite, following rules, etc. This book is written for the child with ASD or ADHD or any child who struggles with making friends.

In the second book (Friends Learn about Tobin) The other engines learn how to accept and appreciate Tobin's differences, including his dislike of change, difficulty with eye contact, repetitive behavior, photographic memory, sensitivity to noises/crowds, talent for numbers, etc. The other engines learn how with a little extra kindness and understanding they can meet Tobin where he is and be better friends to him.


I suspect she is pretty far to the right on the spectrum.


Can you explain what you mean by this? In the 5 years since DS was diagnosed, I have never heard this phrase.

[swissair81]

changed my mind

[ha98ed14]

DD has asked me this too when we've been in contact with non verbal children who were older/bigger than her at stores or at the doctor/therapy office waiting room. Little ones who could be babies in her mind don't phase her.

Physical differences have been easier to get "past" to see the child him/herself because those kids talk to DD just like her typically developing peers. She can wrap her head around the idea that arms/legs don't work the same, etc.

What I really struggle with is trying to give DD an explanation of how/why to pursue a relationship with differently abled kids. I don't want to teach DD to assume that differently abled kids have no friends so DD should be their friend. That sounds really bad, but I can't think of a better way to describe it. It's a tough situation.

DD is not very assertive, so she has a hard time going up to anyone. The barriers of different physical abilities and/ or atypical, at times disruptive behaviors, can be hard for kids to wrap their heads around. It's a good opportunity to teach tolerance and compassion but I wish there was a script so I had the right language to describe it to her.

[amldaley]

Here are a couple of good books to explain differences with autism:

My Friend with Autism: A Coloring Book for Peers and Siblings (http://www.amazon.com/My-Friend-Autism-Coloring-Siblings/dp/1885477899/ref=sr_1_10?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1308313596&sr=1-10)
I like this book and am very impressed with how it explains autism to typical kids. The book also has a section with information and tips for adults, which can be helpful for parents and teachers who don't have much experience with autism.

We also enjoy this pair of books:
Tobin Learns to Make Friends (http://www.amazon.com/Tobin-Learns-Friends-Diane-Murrell/dp/1885477791/ref=pd_bxgy_b_text_b)
Friends Learn about Tobin (http://www.amazon.com/Friends-Learn-about-Tobin-Murrell/dp/1932565418/ref=pd_bxgy_b_text_b)

In these adorable books, Tobin is a loney little red engine with social difficulties. He wants to be friends with the other engines. In the first book (Tobin Learns to Make Friends), Tobin learns about how to be a friend and the book talks about personal space, taking turns, sharing, being polite, following rules, etc. This book is written for the child with ASD or ADHD or any child who struggles with making friends.

In the second book (Friends Learn about Tobin) The other engines learn how to accept and appreciate Tobin's differences, including his dislike of change, difficulty with eye contact, repetitive behavior, photographic memory, sensitivity to noises/crowds, talent for numbers, etc. The other engines learn how with a little extra kindness and understanding they can meet Tobin where he is and be better friends to him.



Can you explain what you mean by this? In the 5 years since DS was diagnosed, I have never heard this phrase.

So glad you answered, Gena...was hoping you would see the post!

Thanks for the book recommendations.

As for "right end" sorry...it is not an autism term...we use "left" and "right" at work to describe severity, strength, and even time...I had a migraine last night and was forgetting to leave work jargon at work!!!!!!!!!

[daisymommy]

The autism spectrum starts at the left with ADD, then ADHD, the a few other spectrum disorders as you work your way across the spectrum scale, with Aspergers in the middle, I believe PDNOS after that, and then classic autism on the right. Higher functioning autism, then severe or limiting autism after that on the far right.
Just imagine a linear line, with all of the ASD (autism spectrum disorders) on the line, and left is less severe, far right is more so.


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[pinkmomagain]

The autism spectrum starts at the left with ADD, then ADHD, the a few other spectrum disorders as you work your way across the spectrum scale, with Aspergers in the middle, I believe PDNOS after that, and then classic autism on the right. Higher functioning autism, then severe or limiting autism after that on the far right.
Just imagine a linear line, with all of the ASD (autism spectrum disorders) on the line, and left is less severe, far right is more so.


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Hmmm...That's the first time I've heard ADD/ADHD described as being on the autistic spectrum. Is that officially from the DSM or some other professional diagnostic resource? Curious.

[Gena]

The autism spectrum starts at the left with ADD, then ADHD, the a few other spectrum disorders as you work your way across the spectrum scale, with Aspergers in the middle, I believe PDNOS after that, and then classic autism on the right. Higher functioning autism, then severe or limiting autism after that on the far right.
Just imagine a linear line, with all of the ASD (autism spectrum disorders) on the line, and left is less severe, far right is more so.


Sure that's one way of depicting the autism spectrum, but it's not like there is some "official" way to draw the spectrum that everyone uses. Some people draw severity on the left side, others draw it on the right. So if you say "the right side of the spectrum", you need to provide the diagram you are referring to.

But really it's a very inaccurate way of drawing the spectrum. Severity is not a one-dimensional factor. An individually can be mildly impaired in some areas, moderately impaired in others, and severely impaired in still others.

Other ways of depicting the spectrum include pyramids and Venn diagrams that show overlapping areas of impairment. Here are a few that Dr. James Coplan (a Developmental Ped) created:

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[Gena]

Hmmm...That's the first time I've heard ADD/ADHD described as being on the autistic spectrum. Is that officially from the DSM or some other professional diagnostic resource? Curious.

It's controversial and not official. Some people place ADD/ADHD under the heading "Broad Autism Phenotype" (BAP). This term is used to describe the presence some of language, social, attention, and/or sensory difficulties that don't meet the diagnostic criteria of the autism spectrum. So it's sub-clinical, but can still cause some issues in daily life. Many times when there is autism in a family, other relatives may have BAP.