How did you ask the people you want to be your kids' guardians

[ourbabygirl]

if you and your spouse die?

Just not sure how to go about it- is a phone call too informal or quick (making them come up with an answer right away)? Is in person too much pressure, too?
I'm afraid they'd say yes quickly but without necessarily being able to think about it first. But they might be afraid to say no because they think it would hurt our feelings.

I guess this should be easier and if we knew someone who would be perfect for this responsibility, I probably wouldn't even have to think about it. But we basically only have two couples that are viable options- both my siblings and their families.
I feel like the one couple would be fun parents but I don't know that I want to trust my kids with them forever (they're very absent-minded, work & travel a lot, already have 3 of their own kids who many other people already baby-sit, have a chaotic house, etc.).
And the other couple, I'm not very close to them, but they are much 'better' parents when you think about it 'on paper' (very responsible, frugal, slow-paced lifestyle, hardly any toys, media influences, junk food in their house, etc.).
DH's side doesn't have anyone responsible or young/ healthy enough to do it, and I would choose my parents but my mom already has too much on her plate and I feel like we'd still need someone to take over just in case (my parents are in their early 60s but are not planning on retiring anytime soon).

Sorry... got a little long-winded there, but my main question is, how did you bring up the topic with the people you asked to love and raise your children if you and your spouse were to die?

Thanks in advance!

[TxCat]

We listed DH's parents as guardians, but we wanted to choose a "back-up" because the grandparents are on the older side, so we asked DH's cousin and his wife - responsible, employed, kids are in high school, live in the same city, etc. We sent them an email so that they could talk about it and didn't have the pressure of having to answer on the spot. There was one other couple we talked to about it - DH asked over the phone and his friend demurred that he needed to talk about it with his wife first - a totally reasonable response, but I think it is probably easier for most people to not give an answer like that right away.

[lalasmama]

On Facebook IM one evening...

Me: Hey, in this permanency thing for DD, I need to name a guardian in case I die. You've got 5 kids at your house, so I figured one more wouldn't be noticed. That okay with you?

BFF: I'd fight for visitation if you didn't give her to me!

We talked/IM'ed about other choices--my sister, aunts/uncles, cousins, etc., but when it came down to it, she's the one I would want to raise DD. BFF lives with her parents, and they (BFF and her parents) raise BFF's kids, and BFF's nieces and nephews are always around. DD loves them, loves being there. They know DD's little issues. BFF adores DD--"She totally skipped that mouthy thing my daughter has!" They are tough when needed, and equally permissive as appropriate. With 3 adults, there's never a lack of hands for helping, or arms for hugging, or the random adult to say "yoo-hoo, the world doesn't revolve around you!" BFF's parents don't say they have 8 grandkids--they say they have 9--they always count DD! BFF's grandparents are the same way; DD is one of their grandchildren, and they spoil her the same way they spoil any of the natural grandkids.

For BFF and I, we've never been a "formal" kind of friendship. Things are brought up off the cuff. There's never been a sit-down talk about anything, unless we were already sitting down because we had wine, so sitting down to discuss things in depth would have been odd for us. I knew that she'd say yes (because she'd help me talk out some other choices in the weeks before I asked), so mentioning/asking in an IM wasn't a big deal, because she knew it was coming. I suppose she could have said "no", but then her parents would have said "pick us!" and DD would be in the same household anyways :)

[niccig]

We just asked them when we were over there one day. Mentioned doing our will and asked if they would be guardians. They then told us they wanted to bump us from no. 2 to no. 1 for their kids, as their no. 1 choice (family) was getting divorced. DS sees them and their kids more than our family, and that's the same for them, so it was logical choice for both sides.

[ang79]

I keep telling DH we need to do this and put it down on paper, but we haven't yet, mostly because we don't have an easy answer. None of his siblings are married and settled down yet (2 are still doing their schooling and one flits around the world on a whim and is not responsible at all), so they are out of the picture. My older brother already has 4 kids and a very busy household, and they parent differently from us. My younger brother is a bachelor with no intentions of changing that life style right now. My in-laws are in their 60's, and my mom has health problems, so I'm not sure that either of them could keep up with two energetic kids. And neither live in our home town. We have very close friends that live a few hours from us, and they parent similar to us, share the same faith, etc., but they have 2 of their own kids, a small house, and a tight budget, so two more kids would really disrupt that. And we're not that close to any of our cousins. DH thinks we should name his parents for now, and then change to maybe one of his sisters once they settle down. We're planning on going to the Caribbean next summer for our 10 yr. anniversary, so I told him we have to finalize this and a will before we leave the country together!

[karstmama]

i asked in person, after my standard speech about 'love means being able to say 'no' if that's what you need to do'. now my brother & sil pray & chant fervently for my well-being, so bonus!

[peanut520]

I just asked my bff and her husband over the phone in casual conversation. her dh is in insurance and we got to chatting about sufficient insurance and guardianship and i just asked. There is a “secession” plan and the order is my parents (63 and 73 now) if they are able, my brother and his wife, sil and family (they have 4 already) then my bff. I thought it was important to name someone outside the family since we tend to travel together.

[mackmama]

I asked in person. It was fairly casual and straightforward. "We are going to write up our wills and name our guardian for (child). We'd like you to be the guardian. Please take some time to think about it and let me know within the next 2 weeks if possible." I explained what being a guardian would entail and how the financials would work. I wanted the person to really think about it rather than feel pressured to answer on the spot. The person came back and said yes, and then we had the paperwork drawn up.

[Ms B]

We had to have guardians lined up as part of our adoption process, so we did this well before DS came along.

I asked my brother over the phone in conversation and confirmed that despite the fact that he was single at the time, he planned to get married, have a family of his own, etc. We agreed that my parents were a bad choice (inflexible and doctrinaire, plus my mom's health is not the greatest) and that my ILs simply would not do (their religion is different from mine and DS's), so he was the logical choice. Since then, he has met the probable future SIL (who plans on having 2 or 3 kids with my brother as the primary caregiver because he freelances and has about four months a year when he does not work) and moved in with her, so we feel good about the decision.

I also asked our "backup" over the phone. She is my BFF and she and her husband have 3 kids, one of whom they adopted from the same agency as DS and who also is biracial. They share our religion, parenting philosophies and priorities so we are comfortable with them as well.

That said, things could change down the road and we are prepared for that. Don't forget, laws and circumstances change, so you should be revisiting these issues every five years or so!!

[Indianamom2]

I asked in person. It was fairly casual and straightforward. "We are going to write up our wills and name our guardian for (child). We'd like you to be the guardian. Please take some time to think about it and let me know within the next 2 weeks if possible." I explained what being a guardian would entail and how the financials would work. I wanted the person to really think about it rather than feel pressured to answer on the spot. The person came back and said yes, and then we had the paperwork drawn up.

This is basically how we've approached it. We've actually switched up our choice recently because we've seen the original sibling have kids of their own and make some choices that we question, not that they would ever do anything to hurt our kids and we would trust them, but their parenting style doesn't mesh as well as a different sibling who is now older and more mature and settled.

It is a difficult subject and we have always prefaced it by saying that we didn't want them to answer right away because we understand that this is a HUGE committment.

[gcc2k]

I just asked my brother one evening in a casual conversation. It was pretty much a no-brainer since me and DH were already the guardians for my 3 nieces. He just said, "Yeah, sure." I insisted he talk to SIL about it, but he knew she wouldn't mind. About a week later he called and said, "Oh by the way, I talked to DW about it and we're good to go!" Now I just have to finish making our will on WillMaker!

[daisysmom]

We had asked my SIL (my DH's sister) to do it before DD was born, but it has become really clear that she is not the right choice. We have decided that no one in our families is the right choice for right now... they all live out of town and have very different family situations (much older kids). We were thinking it through and trying to think of the way my DD would feel at 5 if she lost both of her parents, and we knew that the right answer was our best friends here who have a large family with young kids who we play with constasntly, keep DD at the same school and church etc. Then her aunts and uncles can fight over who gets to come see her when!

Similar to a PP above, I just asked in a text one night to this BF "Hey what's your middle name again... isn't it your maiden name or do you still use your old middle name. I am leaving DD to you in our will". She replied "Great!" and gave us the full legal name. We haven't told our SIL that she has been replaced... figure that she will find out when it happens if it comes to that.

[hillview]

I asked in person. It was fairly casual and straightforward. "We are going to write up our wills and name our guardian for (child). We'd like you to be the guardian. Please take some time to think about it and let me know within the next 2 weeks if possible." I explained what being a guardian would entail and how the financials would work. I wanted the person to really think about it rather than feel pressured to answer on the spot. The person came back and said yes, and then we had the paperwork drawn up.
:yeahthat:

[MoJo]

We've had the discussion but not made the will.

I was visiting with my (single, childless, younger, and out-of-state) sister after I had surgery, and she admitted that she was afraid if something happened to me, she'd never get to see her nieces. I was able to reassure her that not only was DH on board with her seeing and even perhaps keeping the girls for short visits, but that if something happened to us, he agrees with me that she is our best choice for guardian.

My sister shares our values, wants children but just hasn't found a man, & makes more than DH & I put together. We have no family close; our parents are far too old.