WWYD - Friend and Babysitter/nanny recommendation

[ErinMC]

I mentioned to a friend last week that I am looking for an almost-full-time babysitter this summer while I work. (Both my regular babysitters are college students going home for the summer.) She immediately told me that she had a great person for me who is great with her two boys, and is looking for a nannying position for the summer. We live in a college town and this woman will soon be graduating from college, and has worked as an assistant in a local, reputable day care. So I was psyched. She emailed me the woman’s name and contact info last night and I was all set to call her today.

Well, I googled her first. Good thing. Turns out that the woman was arrested for theft in 2009 – it was in a local paper’s arrest log. Knowing that the day care has to do a criminal background check, I assume she was never convicted and doesn’t have an official record. But I also know she could easily have pleaded out. Plus, her (non-concealed to the public) facebook posts are full of partying, crass language, etc. While I’m not uptight by any means, and I realize she’s 23 and everyone makes mistakes, this woman would be alone in my house with 3 kids for long periods of time. I’m no longer even interested in calling her. I already told DH what I found and he flat-out said No, too.

The issue: Should I tell my friend why I don’t want to follow up with her, or leave it be? We are in a small town in the same circle of friends and she will know that I am still looking for someone so I can’t lie and tell her I am all set for the summer. WWYD?

[sntm]

If she asks, you could just say it didn't work out. You don't even have to say if you called her or not.

[marylovesbennyhill]

I would be honest and share this information with your friend

[cas]

I would absolutely tell her. It sounds like she still uses this girl as a babysitter and she may not once she finds out what you found through google and Facebook.

If one of your friends found out something concerning about your current babysitter, wouldn't you want to know about it? She may not think it's a big deal and choose to keep using her, but at least you know she made an informed decision. And I can't think of a downside in telling her. If for some odd reason she became upset about what you said, well... what kind of friend is that?

[wellyes]

I would just say thanks for the suggestion but it wasn't going to work out, you're still looking, if she knows anyone else she'd love more suggestions.

Those public Facebook updates are just as accessible to the friend as they are to you. Maybe she is aware and doesn't care. If you say "I don't want a crass party girl watching my kids", it sounds like you are making a judgement against her parenting.

I personally wouldn't judge someone for showing up on a police log as a teenager for something that didn't lead to criminal charges.

[infocrazy]

I just wanted to comment that Google isn't foolproof. My cousin has someone who has the same name (which although not super unusual, is not super common either) and is the same age and is from the same small OH town, who has multiple arrests/convictions/etc. My cousin has had this person crop up quite a few times when she was having a background check...and that was when the company doing the check even had my cousin's SS# or birthdate to verify but apparently didn't.

I'm not saying that I would hire her or I wouldn't, it should definitely be your comfort level and I wouldn't be thrilled about the facebook info either.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

I would just say thanks for the suggestion but it wasn't going to work out, you're still looking, if she knows anyone else she'd love more suggestions.

Those public Facebook updates are just as accessible to the friend as they are to you. Maybe she is aware and doesn't care. If you say "I don't want a crass party girl watching my kids", it sounds like you are making a judgement against her parenting.

I personally wouldn't judge someone for showing up on a police log as a teenager for something that didn't lead to criminal charges.

:yeahthat:

this exactly. i would just be vague and tell your friend it wouldn't work out after all, thanks for the rec. as what another PP said, google isn't foolproof..it could be someone with same name, you never know. and the other stuff re: FB does not sound that horrible to me so i imagine there's a good chance your friend knows and just isn't bothered by it.

[sariana]

I just wanted to comment that Google isn't foolproof. My cousin has someone who has the same name (which although not super unusual, is not super common either) and is the same age and is from the same small OH town, who has multiple arrests/convictions/etc. My cousin has had this person crop up quite a few times when she was having a background check...and that was when the company doing the check even had my cousin's SS# or birthdate to verify but apparently didn't.

This reminds me of a story my mom used to tell us. My dad's first name is not all that common, and his last name has an unusual spelling. My mom's name is pretty common, but still....She started to get calls from friends when there was an announcement in the local paper (LONG before Google!) that a couple with the exact same names was divorcing. What are the odds?

FWIW, I would be mortified if any of my friends IRL knew about some of the things I do/read/post online. I keep a completely separate identity here, but I don't think that has anything to do with my suitability to be with other people's children.

You have the right/responsibility to make your own choices for your family. Your friend has the same right and responsibility, but it's HER family.

[cas]

"Those public Facebook updates are just as accessible to the friend as they are to you. Maybe she is aware and doesn't care. If you say "I don't want a crass party girl watching my kids", it sounds like you are making a judgement against her parenting. "

That would sound pretty judgmental. But if she's worried about offending her friend, she could say in a self-depricating sort of way..."Thank you so much for the suggestion. I decided to keep looking because I felt a little uncomfortable with some stuff I found about her online. I'm probably missing out on a great sitter, but you know me- anxious about everything. Blah, blah, blah." Or blame DH or whatever, just something to open the door to the conversation about her past/present.


I guess in the back of my mind I'd be worried my friend didn't know and might not want to use the sitter if she was aware of her past/FB postings. If she wanted to keep using her that's totally fine. My mind always goes to the worst case scenario... something bad happens with the sitter, you and your friend are talking about it later and your friend is shocked when you bring up the sitter's past and she says, "why didn't you tell me?" I'd feel horrible, like I could have prevented the situation if I had just said something. I guess I just think if you say it right and come from a place of love for your friend and her children, it won't come off as judgmental.

[ErinMC]

Thanks for the replies. Unfortunately I can't just say "It didn't work out" - we're chatty enough that my friend will ask whether or not I called her, why not, etc. I definitely wouldn't word it in a way that she thought I was being judgmental of her parenting, but I am leaning towards not bringing it up at all, and if she does, I'll say something along the lines of "Yeah, I googled her before calling and found some little things that made me think she's not a big fit for us. You should check it out."

As for it possibly being a case of mis-identification... I don't think so. Anything is possible, of course, but it's an uncommon name and the arrest log listed her age as 20, which would have been her age in 2009.

I certainly don't think the FB postings would concern my friend, and honestly, if my kids were a little older it probably wouldn't bother me either. I think it's the theft arrest. Not that we have that many valuables, but it's a trust issue.