family matter - WWYD...

[indigo99]

if a relative asked you to work at their wedding?

I offered to photograph DH's sister's wedding a couple of years ago. DS was about a year old at the time. DH usually assists me when I shoot weddings, but he had to be the brother of the bride, the photographer's assistant, and take care of DS that day. I had to be the photographer and help with DS. It was THE most stressful wedding I have ever done, and I know that our stress was passed on to the bride a bit. The day after the wedding, I told DH's brother that I would not photograph his wedding when he gets married.

Apparently he didn't believe me. He just got engaged, and last week he asked DH on the phone if I would be the photographer. DH said no and explained the reasons. This week we got an email from the couple saying that they didn't want to hire another photographer, and that I wouldn't have to shoot the whole thing - just an hour before the wedding and some shots of the ceremony and the families etc. DH hasn't replied yet. He wants to just say no, but I'm worried that they're going to be mad at me and hold it against me.

I really love his family and don't want to cause any bad feelings. They obviously think that I SHOULD do it for them since they asked again after being told no. I mentioned to DH that we could try to come up with a plan to do it. We would have to have someone else to help DH with the kids since we'll have a just-turned-one boy and a just-turned-three boy this time. He thinks that they'll just say his mom will help. There's no way the mother of the groom is going to want to watch my kids at the wedding though. Even if she agreed, it would all fall on DH.

It's an outdoor wedding and will likely be very warm. It will be naptime so the kids may be horrible. Just being guests and having both of them is going to be enough stress on the two of us. DH didn't enjoy his sister's wedding and has mentioned not going at all to this one (it's four plane tickets to Europe if we go plus lodging expenses and the time he'll miss from work). I'm not sure they realize what they're asking of us, but I have a feeling that this could be an issue between me and the bride for a long time if we refuse.

Any advice?

eta: I did already offer to do bridal/couple photos of them on a separate day.

[AngB]

ONLY if they agree to pay for a baby-sitter for your kids (at the wedding) and however much you would pay to hire an assistant- NOT your DH. He should be able to enjoy his brother's wedding and watch your kids (with the help of a baby-sitter.)

Or, if that seems overboard, maybe they could just pay for your assistant and maybe your mom or a family member (not related to the wedding party) from your family could come to help DH with the kids and so that DH doesn't have to be your assistant...

Edit: Oh...I just saw the bit about the 4 tickets to Europe. Yikes, that does throw a wrench into everything. I still standby that if they want to pay a plane ticket for your mom or a family member who would be willing to go with you for the free ticket and would help with your kids, it would probably be okay.

[wellyes]

Do you think they want to do it because you are good, or because you would be cheap/free? (I'm sure you're good - just - wondering how important finances are in their equation).

[gummibear]

I agree with AngB, and would ask for a babysitter and assistant. DH should be able to enjoy being with his family, and you shouldn't have to worry about losing your assistant because the babysitter can't handle the kids or something similar (knock on wood).

Regardless of how this turns out, if this becomes an issue between you and the bride, because she doesn't understand the burden... well, she'll get hers when she starts having babies. hehe. Accomodate within reason, but ultimately go with what you think is best. It's not just you and DH they'd be putting out - they'd be putting out your two little ones of mommy & daddy for a day. I'd rather "cause" bad feelings due to people's inaccurate expectations than cause my DS a full day of stress. My 2c.

[kara97210]

I went to a family wedding last year with an infant and 2 year old and that was a nightmare, I can't imagine also working at the event. There is no way you can do it without dedicated child support, not his mom who will also be busy with the wedding, but someone who is not participating at all and who can keep the kids in a seperate area.

Agree w/PP that your DH should be able to enjoy his brother's wedding - and also be in the pictures - that seems impossible if he is also watching the kids.

[indigo99]

It's a destination wedding (they're in Northern Europe and getting married on the Mediterranean). I'm sure that there are photographers there to hire, but I don't know how easy it is to find one long distance or how good they are. I'm sure that the cost factors into it (not that they can't afford to hire someone but would rather spend that money on something else).

I did think about asking them to pay for my brother to go (my mom is dead), but he'll be in school. I don't think he could take off that long from college. Also, that would mess with our lodging too since you can't fit 3 adults and 2 kids in most rooms.

[California]

Without realizing it, they are asking you to fly to Europe to work for free at their wedding. With your kids hanging around your heels. I have been in your shoes - while I mainly do portrait work, I photograph special events about 6 times a year and 1-2 weddings, and have been asked by family to photograph their weddings. The thing is they have no idea how much work photography is. After photographing two family weddings I've learned to always say no. Your kids will see you and want you. You'll hear them making noise somewhere else and it will totally distract you. You won't be able to enjoy the family time with relatives you only see at weddings, and what starts as "just an hour or two" will grow and grow. They may ask you. And if they don't you'll still keep working-- a relative will say, "Can you just get this one shot? Just two seconds!" plus you are a professional and you have it ingrained in you to get certain shots. You will work the whole wedding and you, DH and quite possibly your kids will not enjoy yourselves at all. Then you will fly home exhuasted and have all the editing to do. Which the bride has no concept of.

So I would say no. If you give a ton of reasons, they will try to answer as to why all those reasons don't make sense. In this case it's probably better for your relationship with the bride if your DH says, "She was willing to give it a try, but I know how stressful that would be on all of us and especially her, and there is no way I'm flying my family to Europe to be completely stressed out at a wedding where we want to concentrate on how wonderful it is to have your bride join the family."

If you do go, you can always take a few unpressured candid shots and then give them to the bride as a gift.

[Fairy]

UN.REASON.ABLE. You said no. You explained why. What, you don't get to enjoy? When we get married, we become a crazy people. All of us whether we realize it or not become slightly crazy, that's what I've decided in the years I've now had to reflect on all the weddings, including mine. We can't help it to a degree. But I do think that this is unreasonable. This is not forcing you to buy a dress you don't want or throwing the bachelorette party. This is taking a European trip! With a kid! And not getting to enjoy! And nagging you! Destination, so waht? There are resources for destination weddings now, and some of them are rihgt in these here books. So, let her find her own photog in Italy. Stand your ground if you can politically get away with it. If you truly can't, then she pays all the airfare for your family member or friend to come and watch DC while you work.

[indigo99]

I do agree that they will come up with answers to any reasons we give. I also agree that I would end up working the entire thing regardless of what they say in advance.

I need to figure out a good way for DH to respond though. When he was first asked, he didn't need to ask me because we'd already discussed it back when we did his sister's wedding. He told his brother that he didn't want me shooting it. Then he talked it over with the bride and came back with the email asking again.

The only reason we would consider flying four of us to Europe for a wedding is because it's his brother getting married. If we don't get to be guests and try to enjoy it then we don't want to go. So how do you say that without making someone mad?

[jess_g]

I would just tell them no and help them find a local photographer to do the job. Maybe they just need some help hiring someone?

Jen.

[Globetrotter]

I think it was very reasonable of you to offer to take some pictures before the wedding, at a more relaxed pace, or even afterwards. That could be your gift.

I find childless couples can be clueless. Add in bridezilla hormones and it's a mess!

I would tell them you have considered the alternatives but that it will not work because your kids will be running after you and be a distraction. You will all be jet lagged, and the kids will be extra cranky from that, plus it's their nap time. They may not agree to stay with anyone other than you (this is the truth) and dh will occupied with the wedding. It will be a job to keep the kids happy. There is no way to operate under those circumstances and no one is dh's family can be relied on to help out on that day.

The only way I can see this working is if you take a trusted person who the kids adore and ask them to pay for their expenses (unless they see this as a vacation for themselves). I'm sure they wouldn't want to pay for someone else to attend.

[cntrymoon2]

I understand all your points and they make sense to me, but if I were in the bride and groom's shoes, I'd be hurt if you refused :bag:. From their point of view, all they see is that you shot DH's sister's wedding and produced a wonderful, irreplaceable, "handmade" wedding gift for them. I'd really be sad if it was my turn to get married and you decided it wasn't worth the stress to give me the same gift. I also think it's impossible for a non-photographer to understand the level of work that you put into your job.
Some of the solutions offered on here could help to alleviate the stress- although no doubt giving someone the gift of your services like this is going to be extremely high stress for you, and yes, you will miss out on all the fun of the affair.
I think asking them to arrange for childcare (perhaps offsite) is completely fair.

[lmh2402]

The only reason we would consider flying four of us to Europe for a wedding is because it's his brother getting married. If we don't get to be guests and try to enjoy it then we don't want to go. So how do you say that without making someone mad?

I think your DH says just this to his brother – whether it makes him mad or not.

IMO, this should be discussed between the two of them.

And I personally wouldn’t try to find any which way to make it work. Seriously.

You should be a guest. IMPORTANT guests – you guys are family.

You should not be a vendor. Working and trying to find ways to keep all the balls of your immediately family’s needs in the air.

Really, I think the whole thing is just crazy.

Let your DH hash it out with his brother – and either you go as guests, or you don’t go. Obviously, they aren’t too worried about hard feelings, right? B/c they are very ungraciously trying to bully you into doing something you explicitly said you wouldn’t/didn’t want to do.

[California]

I have to disagree on trying to match the gift you gave his other brother- if anything, that stressful experience is exactly why they shouldn't be asking you to do this. They know it will be hard on you.

Weddings do not always bring out the best in people. You're a photographer, I'm sure you have many stories to tell!

[Fairy]

I understand all your points and they make sense to me, but if I were in the bride and groom's shoes, I'd be hurt if you refused :bag:. From their point of view, all they see is that you shot DH's sister's wedding and produced a wonderful, irreplaceable, "handmade" wedding gift for them. I'd really be sad if it was my turn to get married and you decided it wasn't worth the stress to give me the same gift. I also think it's impossible for a non-photographer to understand the level of work that you put into your job.
Some of the solutions offered on here could help to alleviate the stress- although no doubt giving someone the gift of your services like this is going to be extremely high stress for you, and yes, you will miss out on all the fun of the affair.
I think asking them to arrange for childcare (perhaps offsite) is completely fair.

I just have to politely disagree here. I do understand that a sibling of someone who got the benefit of the OP's gift would feel a little shafted, most definitely. But at some point s/he has to see the forest for the trees. that was then, this is now, and OP has things that didn't exist before. And it's not at the random banquet hall a city over, it's in Europe. It's a serious amount to ask for both financially and by way of effort. Getting married does not entitle you to the same gift your sibling got. Also, I would not be satisfied with childcare offsite, especially in another country. No no no no. It has to be my sitter/family member/friend, cuz it's my kid. Sorry, I just get real uppity at the stupid politics of weddings where people start to feel entitlement where none exists.

[stefani]

Just say no, and try to explain your reasons again. The bride and groom probably cannot understand what it means to have a toddler (or two as in your case now). While I knew that having a child is a lot of work, I did not understand how much work until I had one myself. Now that my DS is 8, I see my niece and nephew (much younger) and I am amazed at how much less constant work is DS now.

Don't feel bad if they still cannot understand your reasoning, but be firm in your decision.

[Globetrotter]

Also, I would not be satisfied with childcare offsite, especially in another country. No no no no. It has to be my sitter/family member/friend, cuz it's my kid

:yeahthat: There will be language and cultural differences, besides jet lag issues.

[indigo99]

I do understand why they wouldn't think it's fair, but it isn't the same circumstances as it was with his sister's wedding. That was with only one kid (who wasn't even crawling yet so he couldn't run away) and not a destination wedding (still in Europe but in the same country where they all live). Things would be much more difficult this time, and it was bad enough the first time that I said "never again" TO HIM the day after.

Even if we didn't mind taking unpaid vacation time, paying for plane tickets, working for free, and not getting to enjoy the wedding, I don't see a good solution to the fact that we have two little ones to think about. I would not want them offsite in a strange country, and we don't know anyone who could go and help even if they were willing to pay for that.

It's just frustrating to feel like the bad guy in this. The whole trip is going to be a very stressful for us as it is. Just thinking about taking a 13 month old and 37 month old on 3 flights there and 3 flights back for a total of almost 40 hours of travel time and keeping them in a strange hotel room that isn't babyproofed for the duration of the stay - ugh! Maybe DH should go alone.

[wendmatt]

"my camera has broken"
"I've injured my eye and cannot see to take pics"
"DH has to work and we can't make it to the wedding"

Just a few excuses! Good luck getting through to them, they are not going to take no easily as you have already seen.

[niccig]

Maybe DH should go alone.

That is a solution. We can't afford 4 plane tickets and hotel for several days, so only DH will be going. If they really want you to shoot the wedding then they can pay for ticket/accomodation for a babysitter to come with you.

We had a friend shoot our wedding in Maui. He was already planning to be there the week before for a vacation (his girlfriend was in a triathalon), so we paid the extra week's accommodation to stay for our wedding. We talked about it and agreed the extra accommodation was in lieu of paying for his time. He did the photos in an album and give us the negatives as our present.

[hellokitty]

Um, yeah, it doesn't sound like they will be very understanding if you tell them that you can't do it. I would make an excuse about $, send DH by himself and not go. This is another case of the couple (with no kids), not, "getting" what it's like to be in your shoes and having kids. I would be super stressed out too.

[specialp]

I’d probably not go at this point.

If you do decide to go and feel like you want to explain, remind him that you said you wouldn’t be able to after sister’s wedding years ago. You had seriously underestimated how difficult it would be to photograph a family member’s wedding in which you were also attending, DH was participating, and with a young child in tow and knew after the sister’s wedding that you wouldn’t be able to handle doing another one – and that was when you only had one child. That is why you gave him a heads’ up then that you wouldn’t be able to. Now you’ve got TWO young kids (who will also be dealing with jetlag and time changes) and as long as they are in the vicinity/location of you, they are going to be a distraction and want you or DH. I might throw in that you wouldn’t be comfortable having them babysat in a separate location b/c I wouldn’t be cool with that either by stranger in a foreign place and I’d want to head off an offer. You simply cannot do it, but remind him you will gladly do ___ (whatever you offered previously.)

[vonfirmath]

We asked my SIL to play at our wedding. She said she didn't want to work the wedding. that was the end of it. We found someone else.

If you don't want to do it, the bride/groom should respect you enough to drop it.

My FIL, OTOH, was thrilled to play at our wedding.

[rin]

Frankly, I think in this situation, if I were in your shoes I'd send DH alone.

I'd rather save the money on tickets and just take a fun family vacation some other time where the time/place will actually be enjoyable. It doesn't sound like the wedding will end up being all that much fun, anyways, if they're that clueless about the needs of small kids at events, so why not just send DH, and then treat the whole family to a beach vacation or something similar later on in the year?

[AngB]

Yep, in lieu of having someone to watch the kids come, I would say no we can't afford all the plane tickets. If they want to pay for your 3 tickets PLUS a caregiver for your kids, then I'd say suck it up and go and do it. But definitely NOT as it currently stands.

[cntrymoon2]

I agree that sending DH alone is the best option at this point. It completely removes you from the photographer question, too! They can't argue with it when you won't be there.

[elephantmeg]

DH has ended up photographing or videographing most of my cousin's weddings. We finally started asking for them to provide childcare during the events if he was going to be working them-after I missed all of my 1 cousin's wedding because I was in the halls with DS who couldn't sit still. At least I watched the video 100 times as he was editing it!

[mom2one]

YOu need to have your DH remind his brother that you told him NO a long time ago they day after your sister got married.

Nothing has changed but now you have 2 kids.

That should be the end of the discussion, its not like you changed your mind at some point.

Susan

[indigo99]

Yes, sending him alone would solve it, but thinking about it is making me sad. I know that I wouldn't be happy with that decision.

Christmas two years ago, DH went to visit his family at Christmas by himself. The deal was that he would go alone, and then we'd use the money we would have spent on airfare to go on a family trip later. That later still hasn't come. We use all of his vacation time to visit his family. I understand this since they live in Europe, and he doesn't get to see them but once or twice a year usually. Part of his family is coming here to visit later this month (parents, sister, brother-in-law, and their one-year-old) so he'll be taking his vacation time for their visit. If he goes to the wedding then he'll be taking unpaid vacation to go.

The wedding is on an island in the Mediterranean, and I've never been there. Even though it will be stressful to travel with the kids and to have them at the wedding, and we'll be spending almost all of our time there with his family, it's still the only vacation I'll get this year (our only trips for the last 3 years were to visit his family each year). I'm also excited to get to do photos there with the couple in such a cool location - if they want to. I'm not sure that they've even responded to that offer other than to ask me to do more.

[AngB]

Yes, sending him alone would solve it, but thinking about it is making me sad. I know that I wouldn't be happy with that decision.

Christmas two years ago, DH went to visit his family at Christmas by himself. The deal was that he would go alone, and then we'd use the money we would have spent on airfare to go on a family trip later. That later still hasn't come. We use all of his vacation time to visit his family. I understand this since they live in Europe, and he doesn't get to see them but once or twice a year usually. Part of his family is coming here to visit later this month (parents, sister, brother-in-law, and their one-year-old) so he'll be taking his vacation time for their visit. If he goes to the wedding then he'll be taking unpaid vacation to go.

The wedding is on an island in the Mediterranean, and I've never been there. Even though it will be stressful to travel with the kids and to have them at the wedding, and we'll be spending almost all of our time there with his family, it's still the only vacation I'll get this year (our only trips for the last 3 years were to visit his family each year). I'm also excited to get to do photos there with the couple in such a cool location - if they want to. I'm not sure that they've even responded to that offer other than to ask me to do more.

Okay here's a new thought. Could you *try* to find a sitter for during the wedding, pre-wedding etc. who is already on the island? Since the family will be there and everything, it's not like they would really be alone with the kids much or at all (someone to help MIL). Of course they should pay for it. Or, since there are already other photographers there, tell them they have to hire someone to be your assistant (who is already living there), which would free up your DH to watch the kids at least and not worry about helping you take pictures. Or maybe even both, a baby-sitter and assistant both on island to give your dh an extra set of hands/help with the kids and you help too.

I think if you all go, they are probably going to have a hard time with you not doing the pics for them, and I'm not sure if there's any other way to deal with it besides just saying no with what you've already offered.

[California]

It sounds like they have put you in such an uncomfortable position.

Most people just do not appreciate how much work it takes to photograph a wedding. Not sure how much you charge-- around here the base price for a basic photography package starts at $1500 (for an experienced photographer.) Which is a fair price considering all the time that goes into it. Today a friend called me for tips on how to interview a hobbiest photographer who offered to shoot her wedding for free. The hobbiest photographer is close friends with her mom. She's very nervous about hurt feelings if she turns her down, but she wanted to know what to look for to make a smart call on if this woman's up for the job or not.

I walked her through what a professional photographer would do-- initial meeting to figure out what the bride wants, prepping gear (and back up gear) before hand, scoping out the location, planning for a smooth shoot that flows effortlessly because the photographer comes prepared, to guiding the wedding party through the shoot and being "on"- charming and fun-- the whole time to keep people excited through the posed portraits, to handling all the different lighting situations that come up, to handling crowd control gracefully (for all those extra 'photographers' who sometimes get in the shot, to all the editing that goes into it afterwards... and she kept saying, "Oh yes, I didn't think of that!" over and over again. Professionals are so good at what they do that brides don't need to think of this stuff. It's just taken care of for them.

I don't think brides think of it as, "I'm asking this relative to work 15 hours (or how ever many you put in) on my wedding and give me a gift valued at $1500." They think, "This isn't that hard, it'll be a couple of hours and they just give me the files." If you were writing a check instead of giving your time maybe it would sink in more. So much less work to say "no" and buy something nice off of their registry :)

What you are describing sounds wonderful. Relaxed shots at a beautiful location. The actual wedding photography would be fun too, if there is a hired professional getting all the "must have shots" and you are there having a good time capturing what you want without any pressure.

A relative recently asked me to photograph her wedding and I painted a picture of the day for her. I said, "I have been looking forward to this day for so long. I want to be able to cry with your mom when you walk down the aisle. I want to be able to dance all night with you. I want to laugh and relax and enjoy the moment because I love you. I promise I will still take some fun shots. But I want to be there, in the moment, with you and all of our family enjoying every special moment of your day without worrying that I'll miss a shot." And she got all teary picturing it, and we were all good.

[indigo99]

The price that I would charge for what they want (if done locally) is about $3400. If you add up everything, it's about 40 hours of work. That doesn't take into account that fact that we are already paying about $5K in plane tickets just to get our family to/from their wedding. Add in a car rental and lodging and food etc...

eta: As a guest, I don't think that I will even take a camera. I would try using it, and DH would end up stressed because I'm not helping enough with the kids. I think it may upset them even more if I were taking pics after I said that I couldn't anyway. I don't take a camera to family/friend birthday parties when I go as a guest either. If I do then they expect me to be taking all the pics for them, and then it turns into a job.

[TwinFoxes]

I just have to politely disagree here. I do understand that a sibling of someone who got the benefit of the OP's gift would feel a little shafted, most definitely. But at some point s/he has to see the forest for the trees. that was then, this is now, and OP has things that didn't exist before. And it's not at the random banquet hall a city over, it's in Europe. It's a serious amount to ask for both financially and by way of effort. Getting married does not entitle you to the same gift your sibling got. Also, I would not be satisfied with childcare offsite, especially in another country. No no no no. It has to be my sitter/family member/friend, cuz it's my kid. Sorry, I just get real uppity at the stupid politics of weddings where people start to feel entitlement where none exists.

:yeahthat:

Situations like this just flabbergast me. You said no TWICE! Even if they feel it's unfair, take a hint, be grown ups, and drop it. I wouldn't do it babysitter or no. Who wants to work for free on an expensive vacation?

[♥ms.pacman♥]

:yeahthat:

Situations like this just flabbergast me. You said no TWICE! Even if they feel it's unfair, take a hint, be grown ups, and drop it. I wouldn't do it babysitter or no. Who wants to work for free on an expensive vacation?
:yeahthat:

i am just flabbergasted too that they keep asking you. There's no way i would agree to it, even with childcare...i wouldn't fork over THOUSANDS of dollars just to drag my young children to Europe so they can be babysat by strangers so I can spend the entire day working at a wedding. He!! to the no. This a prime example of the batsh!t crazy crap that some people expect from others just because IT'S THEIR WEDDING DAY, they deserve it, it's alll about me, nobody else matters, yadda yadda yadda.

At this point i probably wouldn't go and just have your DH go by himself. Or, if you really want to go as a family, i would really try to hammer in the point that you want to enjoy the wedding and photographing a wedding is really hard work and would really prevent you from enjoying it as a family.

[indigo99]

I asked DH to see the email they sent:

We thought of an alternative to what we discussed yesterday. Maybe indigo could take pictures just an hour before (or after) the ceremony and maybe also take a few pictures during the ceremony. That way she doesn’t need to feel like she’s the photographer for the day, her involvement is limited. Then maybe she won’t be stressed.

We are not particularly picky, but are happy if we end up with a few good pictures. We don’t need hundreds of pictures.

Doesn't sound too bad. However, as mentioned by pp, either you are the photographer or you aren't. If I agreed then I don't think they'd be hiring anyone else so how would I NOT be the photographer for the day? I don't think I can photograph some things and then sit with my camera and just watch the rest of the wedding moments go unphotographed. Also, you don't just choose when you want to take a good picture. When you're not controlling the situation, you take lots of pictures and then end up with a few really good ones.

Even if they stuck to this, I would still have to drag around a bunch of gear while keeping up with two kids. I can't even hold a child and a camera/lens combo at the same time. Also, there is a very good chance that my husband and/or I won't be at the ceremony. I have serious doubts about DS sitting there through it. He's a screamer and a runner. I would much rather be the one leaving with him and letting DH watch his brother get married, but I couldn't if I'm supposed to be getting "a few" photos.

[karstmama]

'no.' is a complete sentence. don't explain or excuse, that just gives them openings to plead and whine and come up with totally unworkable 'solutions'.

if there is a way you *would* do it, lay it on them. 'no, i will not photograph your wedding unless you pay my plane ticket, a babysitter i get to have final approval over, and an assistant that's not dh since it's not fair for him to miss your wedding. unless you agree to these points, the 'no' stands.'

[daisysmom]

I asked DH to see the email they sent:

We thought of an alternative to what we discussed yesterday. Maybe indigo could take pictures just an hour before (or after) the ceremony and maybe also take a few pictures during the ceremony. That way she doesn’t need to feel like she’s the photographer for the day, her involvement is limited. Then maybe she won’t be stressed.

We are not particularly picky, but are happy if we end up with a few good pictures. We don’t need hundreds of pictures.

Doesn't sound too bad. ...

What irks me about their email is (and I think I was probably a lot like this when I was going to be a bride too, so I don't necessarily blame them) is the "then maybe she won't be stressed" point. It is like they are putting it on you, your feelings of stress, not that they are imposing it on you.

I would have your DH reply to that with something like this "You all were awesome to try to come up with an alternative, but nada. Indigo needs to enjoy the wedding if we can make it with plane tix, etc. We did [other relative's] wedding with just one child and it really was too much, we aren't going to risk it with 2. But we are honored that she would be your first choice! You will find someone great, we know it."

It exudes confidence and decision. And you don't open the door for any bad feelings.

We saw this happen with a good friend who wanted a family member to do her flowers b/c she did them for another family member. They really made her feel guilty, but every time I read the emails about it, I saw that my good friend was a bit wishy washy in the emails. Read the email before it gets sent and make sure that there is absolutely no wiggle room. Just "No, we aren't going to photograph the wedding."

[California]

Wow Daisymom nailed it! Ditto what she said.

[wildfire]

The problem with you taking "a few pictures" during the ceremony, is what happens when there are pictures they wanted but are missing? Will they really be happy not having a shot of the ring exchange, for instance? The first kiss as husband and wife? Or will they be resentful afterwards because not all of their wedding got captured on film and blame you for being difficult or stressed?

Stick to your no, this has bad idea written all over it.

[Canna]

so sorry, posted in the wrong thread!

[codex57]

What irks me about their email is (and I think I was probably a lot like this when I was going to be a bride too, so I don't necessarily blame them) is the "then maybe she won't be stressed" point. It is like they are putting it on you, your feelings of stress, not that they are imposing it on you.

I would have your DH reply to that with something like this "You all were awesome to try to come up with an alternative, but nada. Indigo needs to enjoy the wedding if we can make it with plane tix, etc. We did [other relative's] wedding with just one child and it really was too much, we aren't going to risk it with 2. But we are honored that she would be your first choice! You will find someone great, we know it."

It exudes confidence and decision. And you don't open the door for any bad feelings.

We saw this happen with a good friend who wanted a family member to do her flowers b/c she did them for another family member. They really made her feel guilty, but every time I read the emails about it, I saw that my good friend was a bit wishy washy in the emails. Read the email before it gets sent and make sure that there is absolutely no wiggle room. Just "No, we aren't going to photograph the wedding."

Perfection

[rin]

I LOVE daisysmom's response! I just don't see any way that it's going to work out without you being overworked, stressed out, and resentful. Just say no!

[eagle]

go, but do not bring a camera.

[cntrymoon2]

Love Daisymom's response! I think its perfect.

[Globetrotter]

I agree. Be firm.

[Fairy]

So ... what did you do? I hope you went with Daisysmom's text verbatim!

[mackmama]

What irks me about their email is (and I think I was probably a lot like this when I was going to be a bride too, so I don't necessarily blame them) is the "then maybe she won't be stressed" point. It is like they are putting it on you, your feelings of stress, not that they are imposing it on you.

I would have your DH reply to that with something like this "You all were awesome to try to come up with an alternative, but nada. Indigo needs to enjoy the wedding if we can make it with plane tix, etc. We did [other relative's] wedding with just one child and it really was too much, we aren't going to risk it with 2. But we are honored that she would be your first choice! You will find someone great, we know it."

:yeahthat: They are setting you up to be the bad guy by not accepting your original 'no.' I like the above approach. You could also add that this would be your only vacation and that you really want to just enjoy this special event and not be working.

This reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where Jerry really wants his date (who is a massage therapist) to give him a massage for free. I'm sorry you are being put in this position.