Updated: WWYD: Stupid grandma mistake

[SpaceGal]

Thank you everyone for all your thoughts and concerns.

I took two days to get over it, my kids stayed with a friend of mine. I knew deep down that I would have to give her another chance. I mean she IS my mom and yes it was a really really really really stupid mistake on her part and she apologized over and over again. And I thought about going the rest of the week without her here but I also felt like why beat a dead horse...I do think she got the message about how I felt about it. I feel like I'm in a tough situation with DH's looming layoff and us becoming cash strapped. If it was a sitter, by all means we would be done.

I spoke with her while she was away and told her that I have to get over it first before I let her back over. I didn't want her here in case I decided to get snippy or something like that and behave badly in front of my kids. I told her that it is never to happen again and that if it did she wouldn't see them ever again. These are her only grandchildren so she best love them and care for them BETTER. I also told her that she is never to say anything to the kids about it I don't want them to be afraid. I also told her that going forward if she needs to take care of something she best tell me and we can figure something out

It stinks and if I had the money/job security I would find preschool for my 3 year old and put my 5 year old in a full day kindergarten (our district is only half day). I'd slowly cut down the time she would be with them. But private school costs money muchless for two kids and we aren't making a ton of money. Then there's the other issue that my oldest (7 years old) is in public school.

I know that many may think I am dumb for giving her a chance and careless for letting them be with her. And I do worry about it, but she is my mom and as annoying she can be to me but I would also feel bad for not giving her another chance. I hope that she really does realize the severity of what happened and that we never have to address the issue again. I know she was childish for what she did...but we're family and if I don't give her a chance what would family be.

I dunno it's really a crappy situation and I just told her, don't make me choose between the kids and you, if you do make me do it, it will not be you. *sigh*

I hope this will pass and I can feel better about it all but I guess I have to try to forgive...though I know I won't forget.

--------------------------------

So long story short, my mom moved up to where I live and has been helping us with watching my kids so I could return to work. Don't get me wrong I am super appreciative of her doing this and I know it's exhausting since I used to stay home myself with my three.

Any case today while sitting down for dinner DH mentions how my mom walked home, she lives about a 10 minute walk a way from us. Now it rained all day here and I was like what, that's weird she drove over this morning. So I was like are you sure she didn't just park her car on the side instead and he said she walked home. So we asked the kids if grandma took them out and they said no. So we started putting the story together. Assuming her car was stolen out of the driveway or something had happened...she somehow drove the car back to her house without the kids. Not hard to figure out what happened...she snuck out of the house to take the car back to her place...why I didn't know so I called and asked her what happened.

She tells me then that she rushed home because she was worried the garbage man wouldn't pick up the paint cans that she left out. I just wanted to smack her....she left the kids for TRASH!! Then she proceeds to tell me how she also wanted to check her basement for water issues that she has been having. And I was like what water issues...and she proceeds to say don't worry about it, and it's not my problem. I was like if you told me you had something going on I can figure it out or help you find an answer...or if you couldn't watch the kids I would have made arrangements.

I just can't believe she LEFT them. Thank goodness they have no idea...but I'm so furious. Mind you my mom and I don't have the best relationship and she can be quite "childish" at times...but I never really thought she would be so dumb as to take off while they were snoozing. She apologized to me and I told her I'm too mad to even care that you are sorry. And she seemed to be concerned more about what DH thought of her than me!

In any case, it is sooooo not cool that she did that and I told her to not bother coming tomorrow because I just don't feel right about it. I dunno I'm just soooooooooooo mad...beyond words.

On top of it all...DH was laid off because of budget cuts and he's not helpful being all sorry for himself and slacking off on job searching! It's just such awful timing and I don't know what to do. Granted my mom moved to the burbs to help us...but after today I don't know if I even want her to watch them...but then again I can't afford day care now with DH almost out of a job come end of June.

It's sooooo not a good day. I don't know what to do about grandma. All I know is she is lucky NOTHING happened to them.

[sweetsue98]

I'm so sorry! No words of wisdom but couldn't read without leaving a message. So glad the kids were ok!

[mom2akm]

I'm so sorry it happened to you and I understand your frustration. You have made it clear to your mother that she should never leave the children alone. So I would give her a second chance when you're emotionally ready. Your mother probably brought kids up in a different era with different expectation. So, what's acceptable to her in those days may not be acceptable now. And she will learn given time.

It really is a great gift to have grandparents around so I hope you can make the most out of it!:22:

[HannaAddict]

That is so scary, I can't imagine leaving my kids with her or anyone who would do leave them alone and leave. If something happened . . . I can't fathom it or what she was thinking or not thinking. If it was a sitter, she would not be back. Harder with a grandparent, but that really would be a deal breaker for me since I don't see how I could trust her judgment. I am so sorry and hope you husband finds new employment soon. Hang in there.

[elektra]

So your mom drove her car to her house and then walked back?
And she just left your kids when she knew she wasn't supposed to? And nobody else was home?
If the answers are yes, there is no way I would even speak to my mom unless she had a medical evaluation for dementia. And she would never watch my children again. If she has dementia then she needs her own medical help and is not fit to care for young children. If she does not have dementia, I would not be able to trust her either, as she knowingly left my kids, with full awareness that that is an unacceptable thing to do. Maybe I would be able to trust her again but not for a long time.

How old are your kids BTW? Have you ever left them alone, if the oldest can look out for the younger ones for example? This is the only way I would be able to even consider having her watch them again- if one of my children was more like 12 and could be responsible for watching younger ones for a few minutes at a time.

[arivecchi]

For me that would be a deal breaker.

I assume your husband can watch the kids though? Maybe you can start searching for another care taker in the meantime.

[brittone2]

I would watch carefully for other signs of possible poor judgment and cognitive decline. It was a bad decision, but it would also make me observe closely whether there has been a shift in her behavior in general, and whether I saw any signs of poor judgment, impulsivity, etc. that could be signs of cognitive issues creeping up.

I don't know what I would do in your case, TBH. It would definitely have me questioning her judgment, and I would definitely be keeping a close eye on her decision making in other settings, whether she continued to watch my kids or not.

So sorry that you had to go through that :hug:

[SpaceGal]

So your mom drove her car to her house and then walked back?
And she just left your kids when she knew she wasn't supposed to? And nobody else was home?
If the answers are yes, there is no way I would even speak to my mom unless she had a medical evaluation for dementia. And she would never watch my children again. If she has dementia then she needs her own medical help and is not fit to care for young children. If she does not have dementia, I would not be able to trust her either, as she knowingly left my kids, with full awareness that that is an unacceptable thing to do. Maybe I would be able to trust her again but not for a long time.

How old are your kids BTW? Have you ever left them alone, if the oldest can look out for the younger ones for example? This is the only way I would be able to even consider having her watch them again- if one of my children was more like 12 and could be responsible for watching younger ones for a few minutes at a time.

Yeah without getting overly worked up...she drove home and walked back knowing she left them behind thinking it would be fine.

My two that were home with her are 3 and 5 years old. My oldest is 7 and the only one I would even think of trusting to be home by himself for a short time...but even then I wouldn't feel right about it. *sigh* My husband told me to not be so hard on her...but really!!!

What's hard is she moved here...she's alone...knows no one here, and I'm an only child. UGH!! Oh well...I ended up having the kids go to my friend who does day care...just for today and maybe tomorrow....I don't know. I know I have to forgive her...or well let he have another chance but forgiving I don't know.

[brittone2]

She left a 3 and 5 yo? Yeah, I'd be very concerned.

[TwinFoxes]

Three and FIVE? Holy cow!!! :47:


So your mom drove her car to her house and then walked back?
And she just left your kids when she knew she wasn't supposed to? And nobody else was home?
If the answers are yes, there is no way I would even speak to my mom unless she had a medical evaluation for dementia. And she would never watch my children again. If she has dementia then she needs her own medical help and is not fit to care for young children. If she does not have dementia, I would not be able to trust her either, as she knowingly left my kids, with full awareness that that is an unacceptable thing to do. Maybe I would be able to trust her again but not for a long time.



:yeahthat: I'm sorry, but I don't buy her reasons. I know it's just one post over the internet, but this sounds really off to me for so many reasons. Like she forgot she was watching your kids. No one leaves a 3 and 5 year old. Paint cans? Sounds made up. And then she tried a "better" fib with water in the basement, and when that didn't work used "it doesn't concern you". Plus, why would she then WALK back to your house, as opposed to taking the quickest way, her car, in order to minimize their time alone in the house? It all sounds off to me. I really think she needs an evaluation. I would not trust her to watch my DCs. OMG, what if they had woken up? My two would have lost their s**t. They would have been running around screaming my name and probably would have run out the front door. One time D got up and looked in my room and didn't see me, went to the LR and didn't see me and proceeded to run around screaming MOMMY until I could get her to see me saying "I'M RIGHT HERE".

I am so sorry this happened. :hug:

[Jo..]

I would watch carefully for other signs of possible poor judgment and cognitive decline. It was a bad decision, but it would also make me observe closely whether there has been a shift in her behavior in general, and whether I saw any signs of poor judgment, impulsivity, etc. that could be signs of cognitive issues creeping up.

I don't know what I would do in your case, TBH. It would definitely have me questioning her judgment, and I would definitely be keeping a close eye on her decision making in other settings, whether she continued to watch my kids or not.

So sorry that you had to go through that :hug:

My kids are 3 and 5, like yours. I would CRAP MY PANTS if their caretaker left them for even a minute. It sounds like she might have left them for half an hour or more (drive, garbage, check out her issues, walk back).

This is at best TERRIBLE judgement and the stuff I would expect if I hired a pre-teen babysitter. Even a 13 year old would likely show better judgement. I also suspect some kind of decline. No way no how would I EVER trust her alone with my kids, even if she paid ME.

I understand that your DH's layoff is terrible timing, but at least you have a responsible adult to watch your children. Hopefully by the time he has found a new job, you will have found safe arrangements. :kisscheek:

[hellokitty]

Spacegal, I am so sorry that your mother has betrayed your trust. I totally get it though, b/c my mom would do the same.exact.thing, for the same stupid excuse or worse yet, decide to take the kids in her car WITHOUT carseats, IDK which is worse, they are both bad decisions, kwim? When I read your post, I kept thinking to myself, "Wow, she has the same mom as I do." My mom used to leave me at home as a baby to run errands. She would go to the bank and the tellers would ask here where I was and she would tell them, "Oh, I left her in the crib" and they would tell her, "You can't do that, it's not safe," but she would just tell them that it was fine. I know this, b/c my mom has casual mentioned it several times to me, like it is no big deal. I have some other asian friends (IDK if you are asian or not, but I have noticed a pattern with older asians doing this and thinking it's fine) whose parents did the same thing. My one friend said that when she and her brother were ages 3 and 4, they were left at home and they tried to COOK, since they were hungry, and somehow they did not burn the house down. I should have been more shocked, but after knowing my own mom did similar things, I wasn't.

What really shocked me was after I had DS1 and DS2, my mom would call and ask me if I was busy. If I mentioned that I had to run some errands she would ask, "are you going to take the kids with you?" OMG, this would piss me off! I told her, "What do you mean, do you think I will leave the kids at home by themselves, that's not safe for them, and not safe if something happens to me while I am away and nobody knows that the kids are at home!!!" She just doesn't get it, felt that I was being over-sensitive and making a mountain out of a mole hill. So, when she kept pressuring me to go back to work, so she could watch the kids (which is a joke, she lives 50 min away and has flaked out on me so many times regarding babysitting, that I just do not trust her whenever she agrees to come over, in fact, I now make her call me to let me know she is en route, due to her poor record of no shows), know her history of thinking it's ok to leave kids by themselves, esp very young ones and then knowing that she is unreliable (ie: she'll be an hr late, I call to find out what's going on and she gives me some dumb excuse, like she needs to wash her windows instead). I have never taken her up on it, it sounds like she has good intentions, but in the end, it will cause me more headache and heartache (verifying my lack of trust). I can only imagine myself returning to work, to end up getting fired, due to missing days, since my mom would just decide not to show up and I'd be screwed in the childcare dept.

Anyway, :hug:. I am sorry that your mom did this. If this is atypical of her, I would look into early signs of dementia. However, if she has a history of this, I can only imagine that it has hurt your relationship and trust even more and I totally get how that feels.

[JBaxter]

PISSED ....Furious? I would have accepted her seat belting them in better than leaving them home alone.

[khm]

Why on earth did she WALK back? Of all of it, that makes the least sense.

It's all bad bad bad, but the choice to take the slowest method possible back to 2 kids whom you left ALONE. I'm sorry, I just do not understand that at all. I think a medical eval is definitely in order.

[hillview]

She left a 3 and 5 yo? Yeah, I'd be very concerned.

Um wow. I leave my 4 and 6 year old in the house while I take the dog to the front yard to pee. I cannot IMAGINE leaving them while I drive somewhere. I would fire my mom. SORRY hugs!:grouphug:

[SpaceGal]

Spacegal, I am so sorry that your mother has betrayed your trust. I totally get it though, b/c my mom would do the same.exact.thing, for the same stupid excuse or worse yet, decide to take the kids in her car WITHOUT carseats, IDK which is worse, they are both bad decisions, kwim? When I read your post, I kept thinking to myself, "Wow, she has the same mom as I do." My mom used to leave me at home as a baby to run errands. She would go to the bank and the tellers would ask here where I was and she would tell them, "Oh, I left her in the crib" and they would tell her, "You can't do that, it's not safe," but she would just tell them that it was fine. I know this, b/c my mom has casual mentioned it several times to me, like it is no big deal. I have some other asian friends (IDK if you are asian or not, but I have noticed a pattern with older asians doing this and thinking it's fine) whose parents did the same thing. My one friend said that when she and her brother were ages 3 and 4, they were left at home and they tried to COOK, since they were hungry, and somehow they did not burn the house down. I should have been more shocked, but after knowing my own mom did similar things, I wasn't.


Funny you say this. I am Asian. I walked myself home after 1st grade...I was 6...every day...and would let myself in the house and be quiet. I knew they would take me away if anyone ever knew but I did it and figure mommy told me this and otherwise I might get shipped off to my dad who I never knew. My mom is a selfish person...I know this but I accept it. When she moved up here to be here I was like wow...turning a new leaf...at the time I had gone back to work, I had day care and it worked out. I thought she turned a new leaf. Trying to cut her some slack. Thinking possibly she finally wants to be near her family (we are all she has here the rest are off in Taiwan) and be a grandparent and what not. She is I must say very punctual and helpful for me when she is home and until this time never made a a mistake like this. I mean as bad as this sounds I'm not surprised she did leave them...but I am IYKWIM. All the while I have this family obligation looming over my head and need to just get pass this.

I might let her back cuz why I don't really know, the kids love her and enjoy her...but forgive or forget...I can't.

I really feel stuck and it sucks that this weekend is mother's day and I was planning to take her to some nice place for dinner...buy flowers for her...card you know make her feel special for all her help....but now I'm not feeling oh so happy to do this.

[Giantbear]

I do not care who it was, that would be the last time i left them alone with my children. Period. That is beyond careless and probably bordering on criminal behavior. I would probably unleash the fury of a thousand suns on her.

[gatorsmom]

I'm sorry you are going through this. This is a toughy. Your mom obviously wants to be near you and part of the kids' lives. But I would arrange for other childcare. I couldn't live with myself if I let her try babysitting again and this time, the kids woke up and something happened to them. And i could never forgive my mom. I would definitely arrange other childcare.

At the same time, I'd try to put this behind me and appreciate what your mom is trying to do. I'd still take her to lunch for Mother's day and plan things to do with her on the weekend and evenings. It seems she wants to be a bigger part of your life so I'd definitely do that. I just wouldn't leave the kids alone with her any more. Clearly she is not capable. But I think I'd just try to forgive and forget, accept that she won't be babysitting, and move on.

[khm]

It is criminal behavior in my state. A woman I know was arrested, then CPS was involved, for doing much the same thing. She left the kids alone to run to her husband's office to use the copy machine. An employee there was a nurse, hence a mandatory reporter.

I'm so sorry she put you in this position. It is a mess from all angles.

[dogmom]

This may well be a generational thing. When I was young that would not be thought of as odd, or child endangerment, or whatever. My mother never did, but that was because my brother would have destroyed the house in that time span. If it was just me I could completely see it.

Completely get why you are upset. I think you should pick a time to talk to your mother calmly about this. Emphasize you are not criticizing her for how she raised you, but now a days this just isn't done. Like driving kids around in car seats. She cannot do this and more importantly you need her not to hide stuff from you. It might be better if you DH is there with you. I like the praise/criticize/praise sandwich. So open and wrap up the conversation with how much her help is important to you, but there are some things that just need to be done certain ways now. Remind her she would never forgive herself if something happened.

[MamaMolly]

Set aside that she moved there to help. That is not the issue at hand.

What concerns me is that you say this is the first time she's done something like this. Is it really, or is this the first time you've found out about it? What if something had happened? How would you have felt then? How you will feel if you leave your children with her again and something does happen. Maybe not for the next 10 times, but then there is that one unlucky day?

You are your children's advocate. Their safety net. We can't wrap them in bubble wrap all their lives but we can take reasonable preventative measures.

I wish there were a way to convey that I mean this gently, though the typed words are harsh. I would find alternate child care immediately.

FWIW I don't leave my kids alone with my mom because she's just flaky enough to be dangerous. If she did something like this I'd be angry but mostly at myself for putting my children in harm's way. If my MIL did something like this I would be shocked and quite alarmed about her mental health. She is one of the most reliable, competent people I know. It would be a medical issue in that case.

[kara97210]

Why on earth did she WALK back? Of all of it, that makes the least sense.

:yeahthat:

There are a series of bad decisions here and I'm totally confused why she would extend the trip by walking back. Especially if it was raining and she knew she would have to walk home later. She also didn't tell you her plans, or even tell you what she had done afterwards, which indicates to me that she knew you would be upset.

All kinds of things can happen in a short time. Before kids, I once got locked out taking out the garbage and it took more than an hour to break back into my place. Very glad that your kids are safe and everything worked out yesterday, but I would definitely have other childcare moving forward.

[brittone2]

:yeahthat:

There are a series of bad decisions here and I'm totally confused why she would extend the trip by walking back. Especially if it was raining and she knew she would have to walk home later. She also didn't tell you her plans, or even tell you what she had done afterwards, which indicates to me that she knew you would be upset.

All kinds of things can happen in a short time. Before kids, I once got locked out taking out the garbage and it took more than an hour to break back into my place. Very glad that your kids are safe and everything worked out yesterday, but I would definitely have other childcare moving forward.

Yes, this would concern me. It sounds like she has a pattern of thinking this is okay, so maybe not cognitive decline, but I'd watch out for that. what concerns me is that she knew she did something you wouldn't approve of and did it anyway. With people like that, I'm not sure a "warning" is enough, kwim? I would feel like perhaps she was just going to cover her tracks on other things that she knew I wouldn't approve of, and do them anyway. Or ask the kids to not tell or something like that. She may be the type that thinks she knows best, you are overprotective, and she's going to do what she thinks is best and then cover her tracks.

Like PP said, she could be in legal trouble for that type of behavior. I also wonder about legal ramifications for *you* if something happened. Like she demonstrated poor judgment and dangerous caregiving, and then you kept her on as a caregiver yet again. In the awful event something would happen under her care and it was known that she had demonstrated this behavior in the past, I wonder if you would be vulnerable for putting the kids in her care after she demonstrated this type of judgment. Not my area of expertise, but I can see that being a possibility maybe.

[kbud]

Just curious how long did she leave them for? Not saying it's right but things have changed a lot since she was parenting you. Back when I was young my mom said it was not a big deal to leave my sister home napping while she picked me up from preschool 5-10 min away. She said everyone did it and no one thought anything of it. People didn't use car seats, seat belts, left kids in car to go to the grocery, etc. I agree it's young but I wonder if your mom just didn't think much of it because when she was parenting you it might have been what everyone did. Only you can decide if you can trust her again.

[brittone2]

Just curious how long did she leave them for? Not saying it's right but things have changed a lot since she was parenting you. Back when I was young my mom said it was not a big deal to leave my sister home napping while she picked me up from preschool 5-10 min away. She said everyone did it and no one thought anything of it. People didn't use car seats, seat belts, left kids in car to go to the grocery, etc. I agree it's young but I wonder if your mom just didn't think much of it because when she was parenting you it might have been what everyone did. Only you can decide if you can trust her again.
I don't know how long it was but OP said a 10 minute walk. So it sounds like (? I am not certain?) she drove there, and walked 10 mins back to OP's house, plus did whatever time she spent doing stuff at her house.

[janine]

Going to be devils advocate a bit ..

Yes, this was 100% wrong and scary. I'd be mad, indignant all those things.

BUT this is your mom - not some hired person or stranger you pay. After the inintial reactions (and realizing she is now not the best candidate for childcare), I'd be concerned about lack of judgement (assuming this is out of character) and make sure nothing else is going on. Like others said, not just for obvious reasons of leaving children- but also because the walking back seems a bit out of touch with reality. I wouldn't be so quick to make her the devil though.

[hellokitty]

Funny you say this. I am Asian. I walked myself home after 1st grade...I was 6...every day...and would let myself in the house and be quiet. I knew they would take me away if anyone ever knew but I did it and figure mommy told me this and otherwise I might get shipped off to my dad who I never knew. My mom is a selfish person...I know this but I accept it. When she moved up here to be here I was like wow...turning a new leaf...at the time I had gone back to work, I had day care and it worked out. I thought she turned a new leaf. Trying to cut her some slack. Thinking possibly she finally wants to be near her family (we are all she has here the rest are off in Taiwan) and be a grandparent and what not. She is I must say very punctual and helpful for me when she is home and until this time never made a a mistake like this. I mean as bad as this sounds I'm not surprised she did leave them...but I am IYKWIM. All the while I have this family obligation looming over my head and need to just get pass this.

I might let her back cuz why I don't really know, the kids love her and enjoy her...but forgive or forget...I can't.

I really feel stuck and it sucks that this weekend is mother's day and I was planning to take her to some nice place for dinner...buy flowers for her...card you know make her feel special for all her help....but now I'm not feeling oh so happy to do this.

Yes, my parents are taiwanese too, and it was the same way while we were growing up. My mom was a sahm, but we were often left by ourselves (even for days at at time, while my parents traveled out of state, we were left with some cash, tv dinners and told to go to school and tell nobody that they were out of town) or she would be hours late picking me up from activities/lessons and I would just be stuck by myself waiting for her after all the other kids and parents had already left. I'm sorry that this is happening now and can only imagine how disappointed and upset you are. I don't have any advice for you, except that I agree with the others to rule out that your mom's mental status is ok first before anything else. As for trusting her again to watch your kids, I would be leery of it, based on her past history. It is hard to know that you can't trust one of your own parents with your kids, but sometimes that is just the way it is. :hug: I think that hardest part is that I have a feeling that even after talking with your mom about it, she probably still won't, "get" what she did wrong.

[NCGrandma]

How scary and disturbing for you. Yes, there may be generational and cultural factors involved here, but I strongly agree with the need for a thorough (and if possible, culturally-sensitive) medical evaluation. A big red flag for me is her recent move. It's not uncommon for people with early signs of cognitive impairment to be able to hold things together but then show a noticeable decline when their normal routine is disrupted. A move, even a positive one, is of course a major disruption. Also, if she is on any medications, a change in routine can result in people forgetting to take meds or having trouble refilling them, etc.

Hope you can set up some sort of evaluation soon -- and be sure to keep notes so you can give the doctor some specific examples of behavior that seems 'off' (like driving home and walking back). Keep us posted and keep your kids safe.

[Canna]

If she'd driven home and driven back, it wouldn't be okay but it would make more sense to me. I could see many grandma-types thinking that being gone for approximately 5 minutes might be okay.

The part about WALKING BACK FOR 10 MINUTES after she KNEW she'd left the kids alone in the house is so bizarre. It really makes me wonder what really happened. That part of the story makes no sense at all. It gives me a bit of a creepy feeling.

[codex57]

Her response does sound a little weird, but not totally. I'd watch for signs of mental illness, but it may just be weirdness that some crazy people do. What happened here isn't a big red flag to me in terms of mental illness. It's just not crazy enough. Crazy enough for you to watch for signs, but I don't think it's crazy enough to drag her in for an eval (altho it can't hurt if you can convince her of it).

Now, I'll be a contrarian to everyone else here.

Your DH lost his job. It's just your income. Sounds like you can't afford daycare full time. If you can afford full time daycare, then ignore the rest of the post.

Well, SUCK IT UP. The "pay someone else" or "never let her watch your kids again" is, frankly, a stupid answer. I want a Ferrari. You can't just tell me to just go buy one. I don't have the funds. If you don't have the funds for a private daycare, you're just gonna have to suck it up.

Yes, your mom grew up at a different time. You yourself walked home at age 6 by yourself. You're still around. So, since you survived, that explains why your mom prolly thought it was ok to leave your kids alone for a while. There's a 7 yr old to sort of watch the others.

Ultimately, she came back. It's just a 10 minute walk so it's not very far away. She knows you are very upset about it.

You have tight finances right now. I don't see how you can NOT give her another chance. Can't afford to.

Finally, the other thing that bothers me is... where the hell was your DH? He's laid off right? Why is he not home watching the kids?

[khm]

Yes, your mom grew up at a different time. You yourself walked home at age 6 by yourself. You're still around. So, since you survived, that explains why your mom prolly thought it was ok to leave your kids alone for a while. There's a 7 yr old to sort of watch the others.


It was only the youngest that were home at the time - the 3 and 5 year olds.

[OKKiddo]

It was only the youngest that were home at the time - the 3 and 5 year olds.

That and if I read the postings correctly then her DH is being laid off but will continue to work until June....Sounds like he came home but didn't see a vehicle and then got strange answers from MIL and children. I lean towards forgiving (not forgetting) and definitely discussing that it can never happen again. It's family, not a nanny and beyond that, your finances are about to change drastically and you have a loving family member able and willing to help out....but I'd probably enlist a neighbor as a spy or get a nanny cam that you can log in to from work to keep an eye yourself.

[ahisma]

How receptive is she to your concerns? That would be my deciding factor.

It sounds like there are cultural / generation issues at play here and that she truly thought it was okay. I get that. Heck, maybe she walked home so your DH wouldn't have to deal with her car in the driveway. Not what we see as right, but it may have been well intentioned. My dad thinks carseats are ridiculous and took DD on a ride (in a convertible, front seat!) without one at 4 yo. She was sad, he made her happy. He never had carseats as a kid or a parent, they're not on his radar of responsible parenting. That doesn't mean that he was trying to be irresponsible - even though I was livid. (FWIW, he's not an immigrant and is a well respected policy expert married to an RN - by all means he *should* understand)

BUT...now he gets it. He doesn't agree, but he understands my perspective and the law. He would never take the kids in the car now without a carseat. He still thinks it's silly, but he does it and defers to me on it.

FWIW, when I've worked in immigration clinics these issues came up often, even with people who have been here for decades. I'd guess that she didn't see it as wrong, and perhaps justifiably so given her perspective from her youth. It's a fine line of explaining what the norms are here while respecting the norms that she knows to be true. Things WERE different for her.

[SpaceGal]

Her response does sound a little weird, but not totally. I'd watch for signs of mental illness, but it may just be weirdness that some crazy people do. What happened here isn't a big red flag to me in terms of mental illness. It's just not crazy enough. Crazy enough for you to watch for signs, but I don't think it's crazy enough to drag her in for an eval (altho it can't hurt if you can convince her of it).

Now, I'll be a contrarian to everyone else here.

Your DH lost his job. It's just your income. Sounds like you can't afford daycare full time. If you can afford full time daycare, then ignore the rest of the post.

Well, SUCK IT UP. The "pay someone else" or "never let her watch your kids again" is, frankly, a stupid answer. I want a Ferrari. You can't just tell me to just go buy one. I don't have the funds. If you don't have the funds for a private daycare, you're just gonna have to suck it up.

Yes, your mom grew up at a different time. You yourself walked home at age 6 by yourself. You're still around. So, since you survived, that explains why your mom prolly thought it was ok to leave your kids alone for a while. There's a 7 yr old to sort of watch the others.

Ultimately, she came back. It's just a 10 minute walk so it's not very far away. She knows you are very upset about it.

You have tight finances right now. I don't see how you can NOT give her another chance. Can't afford to.

Finally, the other thing that bothers me is... where the hell was your DH? He's laid off right? Why is he not home watching the kids?


My DH is still working, he's in a union so his position is being eliminated at the start of the new year...which is July 1st. He only knows now because he has to be told. But otherwise he would have been home with them. Up until then he's been looking and we're saving in case nothing comes up before he is officially done.

[elektra]

Her response does sound a little weird, but not totally. I'd watch for signs of mental illness, but it may just be weirdness that some crazy people do. What happened here isn't a big red flag to me in terms of mental illness. It's just not crazy enough. Crazy enough for you to watch for signs, but I don't think it's crazy enough to drag her in for an eval (altho it can't hurt if you can convince her of it).

Now, I'll be a contrarian to everyone else here.

Your DH lost his job. It's just your income. Sounds like you can't afford daycare full time. If you can afford full time daycare, then ignore the rest of the post.

Well, SUCK IT UP. The "pay someone else" or "never let her watch your kids again" is, frankly, a stupid answer. I want a Ferrari. You can't just tell me to just go buy one. I don't have the funds. If you don't have the funds for a private daycare, you're just gonna have to suck it up.

Yes, your mom grew up at a different time. You yourself walked home at age 6 by yourself. You're still around. So, since you survived, that explains why your mom prolly thought it was ok to leave your kids alone for a while. There's a 7 yr old to sort of watch the others.

Ultimately, she came back. It's just a 10 minute walk so it's not very far away. She knows you are very upset about it.

You have tight finances right now. I don't see how you can NOT give her another chance. Can't afford to.

Finally, the other thing that bothers me is... where the hell was your DH? He's laid off right? Why is he not home watching the kids?

Well I don't think "never let her watch the kids again" is a stupid answer but I do understand the point about having to work with what you've got.
I was in a somewhat similar situation, and I ended up having to find additional childcare, as my kids were no longer safe around my mother. But I could afford it and so it was an easier decision (but still hard!)

And I think things like this are just easier said than done. It's easier for us to all say we would never let our mother watch the kids again, but when you are faced with the decision yourself it is much harder to actually do. Much like an abused spouse sticking around- you say you would never stick around or take someone back after they hit you and it's what all of us on the BBB would advise, but how many people leave after the first violent act? Probably not the majority of people- for various reasons.

I wish you luck OP- I do think you kids will likely survive if you allow your mom to continue watching them, if that is your only option for now. But they are definitely not as safe as they could be based on her actions.

[codex57]

Sorry, "stupid" was too harsh of a word. It was stupid of me to have used the word "stupid". :) It was in the title of the thread so it got stuck in my head.