Workaholic DH - Part Vent / Part Seeking Advice

[alootikki]

DH and I both work full time, but since DD (4) was born, I've managed to create a role where I primarily WAHM. DH works much longer hours - he's usually gone before the kids (also have a DS who is 2) wake up, and comes home right after they are in bed (so he's gone from 7 am to 7:30 pm). Working from home gives me the flexibility to take the kids to school, activities, etc. but I routinely work after they are asleep as well.

During the week, DH has zero childcare or home responsibilities. Seriously. We have a nanny, and even on the days I go in to the office, I'll go in late and come home in time to make dinner, etc. I rarely miss the dinner, bath and bedtime routine. I am the one who takes DD to/from nursery school, coordinates activities and playdates, cooks the meals, run errands, grocery shops, etc. While DH has a long work-day, at the end of the day he comes home to a home-cooked meal, clean kitchen and kids in bed - and relaxes for the rest of the evening.

Here's the issue - whenever I travel for work (usually once every couple of months), DH does not/will not change his work schedule at all to get home earlier to see the kids. Work always comes first. Tonight I had to leave right at dinner time to catch my flight. DS (2) was very upset - he's old enough now to realize I'm leaving, but not old enough to understand when I'll be back. I texted DH to let him know that DS was very sad - even knowing that, and knowing that I was not there for the bath/bed routine, DH did not take the 30-minute earlier train that would have gotten him home by 7 to at least tuck both kids in to bed.

I am so frustrated by DH's inability to put his family ahead of work! He is a classic workaholic/perfectionist who cannot understand that IT'S OK to leave the office slightly earlier than normal when your wife is traveling! He is in a senior position, yet will never say "Let's wrap up - I have to catch a train". It stresses me out because I know that when I am not available, there is no alternative-parent there in my place. It's all me. DH is perfectly content to let the nanny handle everything.

Beyond my stress - I honestly think he is hurting his relationship with DC. Daddy is just an occasional weekend presence, not a true equal-parenting partner who is an integral part of their days. DH thinks he is making a huge compromise by taking DD in to school tomorrow morning (= late train) - which means of course then he won't come home for any part of the bedtime routine. My parents are coming over in the afternoon to play with the kids, take them to activities, and my mom will cook dinner. So it's not like DH's responsibilities change in any way because I am away...

This is probably the biggest issue in our marriage right now (putting family ahead of work), and I need advice on how to effectively talk to DH about it without his getting defensive!

By the way, DH and I went to the same Ivy undergrad and business school, and had the same majors, too. So it's not like I don't understand the demands and dynamics of his/our professions - I truly believe this is DH's personality, not external circumstances.

Advice appreciated!

[ArizonaGirl]

Could you couch the discussion in a different way. What I mean by this is that my DH doesn't take things I sometimes say seriously because he takes it to mean that I know more about (said subject) than he does. What I do from time to time when the topic is important to me is say the idea comes from someone with more authority.

For example, CAR SEATS.

DH, doesn't understand why RF is so important to me and so much safer and when I tell him he doesn't listen, so when DS happened to be at the pedi for something else I mentioned the carseat thing to see what she had to say. Then I got home from the appt and casually mentioned that the pedi asked about what carseat DS was in and then fed DH what I had been trying to tell him for months. Because it came from a professional it worked.

I'm not saying you should trick him into seeing things your way, but maybe if you brought someone's opinion in that he trusts that is an authority on the matter it would go over better. (i.e. a teacher at preschool, a dr., a friend is a child psychologist, whatever works)

HTH, I know it can be difficult when the other person thinks they know best and isn't willing to discuss any other possibilities without getting defensive.

[wellyes]

That is a tough one.

If he is a perfectionist type, perhaps putting this into the context of clinical research would help. His choices now will have a long-term impact on the kids. Girls without a strong father figure are more at risk for early promiscuity, low self-esteem and all the issues associated with that. Boys without a good father figure tend towards anger, delinquency and emotional withdrawal. Maybe start with a book like Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters (http://www.amazon.com/Strong-Fathers-Daughters-Secrets-Father/dp/0345499395/ref=zg_bs_11378_5).

[amom526]

What you are saying about your DH reminds my of my own father growing up. Although my mom knew going into things, that my dad would not be the type to help out at home. When we were young, he was gone most days very early in the morning, home very late at night - and when he got home, he would eat dinner and go to the couch. He was never at school functions or assemblies that were during the day, and he often worked Sundays as well.

This is probably not what you want to hear, but i don't think there is anything anyone could have said to him at the time to make him change. My mom was a SAHM, and he really saw his role as provider and that's about it. I don't think he really knew how to relate to us as little kids.

Given all that, I really don't remember ever resenting him for any of this. We knew he loved us and cared about us, and his way of showing it was to work hard. Another factor, was that my mom DID IT ALL like you say, but I grew up thinking that was the most natural thing in the world. I honestly have no clue how she did it with a few kids in the house. Yes, we had babysitters and cleaning help, but we were not raised by them. My mother basically raised us herself, and happily, and I have no clue how.

I'm not sure I have any advice to help your own sanity. I am the first person to say that it is unacceptable for women to be carrying the entire brunt of the home responsibilities. But I really think this is very hard to get a workaholic man to understand and respond to change. I would encourage your DH to develop some kind of hobby or activity that he can do together with each of the kids, that can be "their thing". It doesn't have to be big, I remember talking baseball with my dad, and watching games together, but it was something to connect us.

He has mellowed a lot over the years, as he is basically the boss, and I think he is burned out by now. He is the absolute best Grandpa to DS, he gets down on the floor and plays, and just adores him. Still has no home responsibilities though...

[gatorsmom]

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I can relate in many ways to this post because my DH is a work aholic, though not quite to this extent. My dad sounds very much like your DH as well as amom526's dad. He was very hands off. He came home from work at about supper time, ate dinner and started watching TV. He never helped with dinner clean up or our homework. We did things as a family on weekends but it was always things HE wanted to do. My mom did it all. She raised us, took care of the house and the yard, everythign. But we never resented him and I think I've grown up to be a very confident woman. My mother never put my dad down and always defended how tired he was and how hard he works. However, she was a SAHM.

In your situation, I think you need to have an honest talk with your DH. You BOTH work full time. You both are absolute equals in degree and work schedules. Why does HE feel he doesn't have to raise his kids? Is it because this how HIS dad was? But did his mom work too? Does he really want to jeapardize his relationship with his kids? Does he really want to damage his relationship with you? Is he truly a perfectionist or is he avoiding coming home at certain times and avoiding helping around the house? Is he consciously avoiding coming home in time to tuck in the kids or did he not even realize what he's doing?

I think it's time for a good heart-to-heart and some soul searching on his part. And I think you need to let him know, his putting work always first, can't continue.

[alootikki]

Thank you for the responses! To clarify a few things:

- DH is on kitchen clean-up duty all weekend long and spends a good amount of of time with the kids on the weekends; during the week our nanny does dishes and helps with house chores. So he does help out when he's home - it's just during the workweek that there are no chores left by the time he gets home.

- DH commutes into the city every day, which is over an hour each way. If we still lived in the city, he'd be home by 6:45. So the commute is definitely a big factor - but not an excuse.

- His parents were immigrants (as were mine) and worked crazy hours all through his childhood. So this is "normal" to him. Whereas I grew up having family dinner together every night.

I think the real problem is that he is so focused on doing great at work that he doesn't really get how it affects other aspects of his life. And he knows he can slack off on the raising kids part, because it's not like I'm going to let any thing fall through the cracks. The problem now is that he's so defensive about it (and I am so irritated) that it's hard to have a rational discussion...

[niccig]

- DH commutes into the city every day, which is over an hour each way. If we still lived in the city, he'd be home by 6:45. So the commute is definitely a big factor - but not an excuse.


No, it's not an excuse. My DH is gone 12 hours with an hour commute each way . He leaves at 9am and is home at 9pm. He set up the later start time, as he knew he wasn't going to see DS in the evenings, as he often works overtime. During the week, DH still does things at home. He takes DS to school 3 times a week, will put a load of washing on, fold the laundry, clean up the kitchen, pay the bills, take trash out, go on a errand during lunch etc. DH and I have had some fights over workload when DS was born and every time we had a major change, it's been bumpy to work out the changes at home. I know my DH does more than many other DH's, and it's not because DH just did it, it's been a work in progress to get it to this stage.

When DH is busier, I pick up some things he normally does, and vice versa if I'm busier. From the very beginning of our marriage, I told DH we were a team. And we're a team every day, and not just on weekends.

So in the evenings when your DH is home and is watching TV, you're running around doing everything that needs to get done? How is that fair? I would be very angry that he thinks he can be off the clock, but you have to keep working at home after a full day at work. He's not being respectful of you or your needs but not seeing that he needs to share the workload.

I'm wondering if he thinks that between the nanny and you, everything is taken care of, so there's nothing for him to do?

[twowhat?]

For us, our gauge is that after the kids are in bed, if one of us is still doing "work" (related to house, kids), then the other is also expected to chip in until it's all done. In other words, neither of us gets to sit down and relax until it's done.

But it sounds to me like he helps out more or less equally when he IS at home (is that right?). If that's the case, then it sounds like the issue is that you're upset he isn't willing to sometimes be flexible with his work to participate more in his kids' lives. Would it help if you said something like "DC have asked that you tuck them into bed on Fridays because they miss you" or something like that? Then mention that he can always catch up on work when it's quiet after the kids are in bed (if his job is flexible enough to allow him this).

Honestly, I think that some guys would RATHER be at work. Because sometimes it's easier. It reminds of of Everybody Loves Raymond where Debra thinks he's working late at the office and tries to be helpful and bring him dinner only to find him and his co-workers chatting and watching TV during their "meeting". I think some guys just aren't wired for dealing with kid things. It's not an excuse of course, but it makes it frustrating since the world in which we live more and more requires both partners to equally contribute to child care.

I'm sorry, that sounds very frustrating and in your shoes I would be frustrated too!! I have friends who are like this (husband works all.the.time and wife handles everything else, including taking the kids with her on vacation without him, and when their first was born and we were at dinner he sat down and started eating with NO consideration for his wife, who was trying to prepare food for the baby!!! I ended up making a plate for her!). It would make me very sad if my DH's actions said that he was simply not more interested in his own kids.

[daisysmom]

[QUOTE=alootikki;3504106]
DH is perfectly content to let the nanny handle everything.

Beyond my stress - I honestly think he is hurting his relationship with DC. Daddy is just an occasional weekend presence, not a true equal-parenting partner who is an integral part of their days.

By the way, DH and I went to the same Ivy undergrad and business school, and had the same majors, too. So it's not like I don't understand the demands and dynamics of his/our professions [QUOTE]

I havent' read any responses yet, but I could have written your whole post with a special underscore on these points. I will just tell you when I have brought it up, my husband gets very defensive and generally says this:
- "I am so much more involved than my own father was"
- "I am so much more involved than [names another uninvolved father]"

While I do think that a lot of fathers have learned to be more involved, there are a bunch of them (like my DH) who think that how their parents did things worked fine (notwithstanding that my mother and MIL (1) didn't have careers and (2) drank heavily because they were miserable). I honestly am not sure if these guys are changeable.

[Octobermommy]

Haven't read other responses. Did you discuss this at all before you decided to have children? My dh has a demanding job but we discussed before marriage that family would be the number one. Does that mean he is there for everything? No, but your husband not leaving 30 minutes early ( which isn't early to begin with) says to me he doesn't understand the true value of a father. He didn't want to try to help sooth his children? I don't think he gets it. Did he have an involved father?

As to how to change it, how long is his commute? Can you skype or iChat during the day & during commute? Can you get him more connected?

[niccig]

I will just tell you when I have brought it up, my husband gets very defensive and generally says this:
- "I am so much more involved than my own father was"
- "I am so much more involved than [names another uninvolved father]"

DH has done this too, and then I've told exactly what the wives of those husbands say about their husbands and that he never wants me to talk about him like that. He was surprised at how upset a very good friend is about the lack of help from her DH, it's affecting their marriage and DH can see that now, she's even made comments to my DH about it.


Can you skype or iChat during the day & during commute? Can you get him more connected?

We iChat with DH. We can't do family dinners during the week, it'll never happen because of the hours of DH's work. I've accepted that. We iChat so DH and DS get to talk.

[daisysmom]

No, but your husband not leaving 30 minutes early ( which isn't early to begin with) says to me he doesn't understand the true value of a father. He didn't want to try to help sooth his children? I don't think he gets it.

That is what I, too, think when I get upset about this. But honestly, I don't think that is always the issue. My husband is just like all the fathers he works with -- a bunch of attorneys who are all scared that they might get fired so they will do a lot for financial security, and if there is a nanny or sitter or wife at home doing the soothing, yes, they don't leave early. But call my DH (or yours) and say "your kid is on the way to the emergency room for stitches and I can't get out of work, can you?" and my DH (and I bet yours) will jump in and help.

Said another way... my DH (and I bet yours) is someone who helps WHEN ASKED and WHEN THERE IS A NEED. But if the need is being met by another provider, he works beause there is a need for job/financial security.

I am not being critical of PP and her comment that he might not understand the true value of being a father. But I am just saying that my DH would say that providing financial security is his reponsibility, and he doesn't need to be the third wheel at home. There is some validity in that. I hate to hear it, myself, but there is some validity to that.

When my DH does step in on the weekends and takes my daughter for "Daddy Daughter Donut Day", I see that they really are ok. I wish he did more during the week, but I don't wish that he was out of work or that we were facing financial stress, so I do appreciate some of his commmittment.

Just throwing in the "other side of the coin". I have found that it is easier to bait with honey versus a stick (or whatever that expression is).

[alootikki]

My husband is just like all the fathers he works with -- a bunch of attorneys who are all scared that they might get fired so they will do a lot for financial security, and if there is a nanny or sitter or wife at home doing the soothing, yes, they don't leave early. But call my DH (or yours) and say "your kid is on the way to the emergency room for stitches and I can't get out of work, can you?" and my DH (and I bet yours) will jump in and help.

Yes, exactly. It's not that I'm running around doing errands at night while he sits on the couch. I have a truly great work-life balance that allows me to spend a lot of time with my kids. And I prefer running most errands during the week so we can focus on the kids and family time on the weekends. DH is appreciative of this. He does call to check in during the day, and will be home by 6:30 on Fridays. I'm ok with all of that.

My issue is that when I occasionally have to travel or go in to the office for a late meeting (usually 1x per month), DH does not see the need to come home early to at least do the kids' bedtime. It blows my mind that he does this, I just do not get it. And DH does not get why it bothers me, because we do have a great nanny.

I have said (somewhat jokingly) that I'd rather have DH as an employee than a husband, and DH has chuckled and said "That's probably true". So he sort of recognizes that it's an issue, but has yet to change his behavior.

[daisysmom]

My issue is that when I occasionally have to travel or go in to the office for a late meeting (usually 1x per month), DH does not see the need to come home early to at least do the kids' bedtime. It blows my mind that he does this, I just do not get it. And DH does not get why it bothers me, because we do have a great nanny.

I have said (somewhat jokingly) that I'd rather have DH as an employee than a husband, and DH has chuckled and said "That's probably true". So he sort of recognizes that it's an issue, but has yet to change his behavior.

I agree with you totally. My husband won't come home early if he knows the nanny is there. And when he does get home, more times than not, he comes home with a starbucks cup in hand. So he has stopped on the way home to get a coffee drink. This makes me livid.

I have been in your shoes, and one way to "prove" that he is a good DH (and I admit I have done this) is that I let the nanny go early on that day and tell my DH that our DD really wants him to put her to bed that night. I leave it up to DH - sure he can try to arrange to have the nanny stay later but in our situation, notwithstanding my DH does have our nanny's cell number to text her, he wouldn't text her. Our nanny leaves at 6, so one of us has to be home by then. And if I have a late meeting... I just tell him that he needs to go home "early" or find a sitter. He has never found a sitter. In fact, never in 5 years has my husband engaged a sitter.

I mean this kind of as tongue-in-cheek advice. But honestly, DH's like ours... they just might not change on this. Or not until they are grandparents (and like someone else on here, I will say that my own father is just an incredible excellent grandfather, even of newborn babies, he can get them to sleep by walking them around and pointing out paintings or pictures hanging on the wall and get the fussiest grandchild to sleep this weay -- but my mother says he never did this with his own four children... she always did). But you may want to cut back on the time that the nanny is there in the evenings?

[alootikki]

daisymom, our nanny lives-in Monday through Friday, so I would have to make something up to send her home unexpectedly! Not worth the coordination. And in that case, he would come home if he had to - but I want him to WANT to come home, if that makes sense.

I agree that it may just be easier to try to accept him for what he is - it's never going to completely change. But easier said than done!

[lmwbasye]

Okay, I may get flamed here on this, but I believe part of the issue is background and perspective. I actually can see your DH's POV. I understand you want him to want to come home. But he just isn't you...and he isn't a mother/woman. Men are different. They are wired differently. I believe it's instinctual for them to be more focused on work than hands-on caring of family and I don't feel that it's always that they don't care about their wives/children. I think it's an inherint view that that IS how they are caring for their family....by providing for them financially. And I think for some jobs and people, it is harder than one may think to just leave early..even every now and then because they don't want to be perceived as THAT employee. To add to this, your DH knows he has an excellent, caring Nanny to handle the caretaking of the children while he focuses on his job. The need for him personally to take care of this may not seem extreme in his POV. In fact, he's probably in that senior leader position because of the way he is. I understand most will not and would not see it this way...I guess I'm more saying that I get his side of things.

That being said, I'm married to a soldier. The job literally comes first 100 percent of the time and I either need to accept that or hate my life. He is rarely home and works insane hours but I do not see that at all as his not caring about us or his family. It is his way of providing for and protecting us and he knows that I've got it covered here. When he is home, he does give as much attention to the boys as he can and, to me, that is what matters and shows them he cares. It sounds like your DH is the same in that way.

I also strongly feel that just because DH is rarely there his relationship with DC is affected. If anything, it's stronger because when the are together their time is more precious and concentrated. He gives them more attention than I see from a lot of parents with their children. He may not know and understand all their little idiosyncrasies or have a great knowledge all the time of what their day-to-day lives are like but I think they have a very strong and loving relationship. While I know they miss their father, I am always very careful to paint his job and his need to be away in a positive light (he is making money to take care of his, defending us, talking with them about his amazing work ethic) and remind the daily that just because he is not here that does not mean that he loves them any less.

Again, I hope I haven't offended here. Not my intention at all. I know that I'm much much much more "old-fashioned" than most of society that I meet today but I wanted to maybe paint a different view on some of these things. That being said, it obviously bothers you to the point where you mentioned it possibly affecting your marriage. If I were you, I would talk with him about this and explain why it is hard for you to understand his inability to leave early on the days that you are gone. I do believe your feelings are valid and I also know that many men need things spelled out for them very clearly and to the point (sometimes several times) for them to "get it"....simply because they don't think/feel the same way women do (9 times out of 10). I would not just explain that you want him to want to leave early...I would lay out exactly what you want in advance. i.e....I will be out of town on Tuesday. I need you to leave by 4:30 to make it home in time for dinner/bedtime/etc. Because he's not there, he may also not realize how it affects the children so I would also be specific about that, too. He may not see them upset or their reactions to you leaving because he's at work and so just assumes they're fine. And then take it from there according to his response. I would also have no problem saying something like, "I know may not understand why this is important to me (especially with the nanny there) but I'm asking you to just do this for me." With what you've said about his background and personality, he very well may not change but I think it's worth laying out your feelings and wishes very clearly and distinctly so that you both can discuss this and go from there.

Big hugs. It is so hard to be a mom, isn't it?! So sorry you are frustrated.

[daisysmom]

daisymom, And in that case, he would come home if he had to - but I want him to WANT to come home, if that makes sense.

!

Ask your good in real life girlfriends if they perceive your husband as an uninterested father? That's another thing that I do. If I were to say to one of my IRL friends (who knows DH and me) "But I want him to WANT to come home", my girlfriends would say that my DH doesn't do what he WANTS to do, he does what he feels like he needs to do. And that, in his perception, is to put his job first while I or the nanny is in charge at home.

An aside... one time a few weeks ago I made dinner (something out of the crock pot) and my husband sat down and looked at me and said "I really just don't want this tonight." As he was eating this. Well this very loud voice in my own head was screaming, to myself "If I got to eat what I WANTED every night, we would never be having these kinds of dinners!!!" Because in reality, if it was based on what I "wanted" to have, I would be having a nice fresh salad with goat cheese and perhaps some salmon or something at 7:10 with a glass of wine. But once I had DD, what I "wanted" stopped and what "is good for her" pretty much took over. So I eat with her at 6:10, something that is fast to prepare, something that she likes/will eat/is nutritious and easy to clean up. It was ludicrous for my husband to suggest that "wants" came into play.... as I rarely do what I **want** to do. I do what I **have** to do.

Anyway, you just chat with him. Maybe it isn't that he doesn't *want* to do it, but that he doesn't allow himself to do exactly what he wants, when he feels that there is a bigger need elsewhere.

[BayGirl2]

I just skimmed the PPs and there are some great points there. I come from a similar situation - I work FT and have the MBA while DH works full time too. Now we're at similar levels but I WAH most of the time and have more flexibility. The difference is that my DH does more than 50% of the household stuff when he's home. We both travel for work and know when the other's away we need to block our calendar out to be there in the morning and evening. We don't have a nanny though, we do daycare, so there is no realistic other alternative. (I paid $40 in late fees to daycare last week for not leaving a sales meeting early in front of my boss.)

I also agree that to some extent there are biological differences that affect our decisions, as the last poster said. For example I can't tolerate hearing the baby cry, it literally raises my BP, but DH can sit through it and attend to DS, if necessary. I find it incredibly hard to pull away from face to face work situations to do things like pump, or pick up my kids. But I feel a physical guilt if I don't whereas to DH those are just "oh well, it happens" kind of things.

I think your initial post lays out your feelings very reasonably and rationally and I would share those with your DH. Alone, at a calm time, in a non-threatening way. Regardless of what you planned pre-kids, regardless of his or other's opinions on appropriate roles, this is seriously bothering you. You need to get that out or I believe it will eat away at the marriage and your roles as parents.

[hoodlims]

I am really sorry you are experiencing this. No advice as my DH is the same way, but he works in the town we live in, so he is home for the bedtime routine. How is the relationship between you two? This is such a tricky subject, especially as it ties into self-esteem and money, etc. Good luck.:hug:

[cas]

I'm sorry you're feeling like this and having a hard time talking to your husband. It sounds like you've brought this up before, but he is so defensive about the subject matter he is not hearing you no matter how calm you present your feelings. I was in a very similar situation with my DH. Miraculously when I said the exact same thing I'd be saying for years in front of a marriage counselor he actually heard me for the first time ever. He reluctantly went with me to the marriage counselor because we were dealing with a much bigger, possibly marriage ending issue and so maybe it was his desperation to save our marriage that allowed him to be open to hearing me and understanding my perspective. But sometimes having an objective third party there can help you both hear each other, understand the other's perspective and figure out a solution. Hope this helps!

[California]

As PP mentioned, this may be something he needs to hear with a neutral third party (ie a counselor) there. Maybe spending the money on a counselor will help him realize you are serious! Plus, it's to his benefit to get the bonding time in with his kids. He sounds like he needs some long term perspective that a counselor could help him work through. Childhood goes by in the blink of an eye. He's missing the window where his kids actually want to spend time with him. This is the time to establish the bonds that get families through the preteen and teenage years. And then bring the kids back after they go to college! Maybe, since he's so work minded, he needs to come up with a "mission statement." What does he want his relationship to be like with his kids in five years? In ten? Would he want his daughter to marry a man like him? Would he want his son to follow the example he is setting?

And as an aside, it sounds like you are doing a terrific job and your kids are very well taken care of by you and your during-the-week significant other, ie your nanny :-).

[hellokitty]

OP, :hug:. My dad always put work first, family last, so I know where you are coming from. I also agree with some of the pp, that this probably also has something to do with the way guys think vs. the way women think. He probably thinks that since you have a nanny, things are covered. So, he doesn't, "get" why he needs to physically be home earlier when you are away for work. I'm not saying that what he's doing is right, BUT I could see my DH and other guys I know doing the same thing. Does he spend quality time with your children when he is at home? I would try to focus on making sure that his time with the kids is high quality time, where he is fully present (not attached to his blackberry, which is what my workaholic bil does, his kids have become so used to it, they don't question it, but every time we see them, I feel bad for his kids) and giving them his attn. I think that if he can nurture positive time and memories with the kids, that things like not being able to come home 30 min earlier, won't end up being that big of a deal in the long run.

[Simon]

Okay, I may get flamed here on this, but I believe part of the issue is background and perspective. I actually can see your DH's POV. I understand you want him to want to come home. But he just isn't you...and he isn't a mother/woman. Men are different. They are wired differently. I believe it's instinctual for them to be more focused on work than hands-on caring of family and I don't feel that it's always that they don't care about their wives/children. I think it's an inherint view that that IS how they are caring for their family....by providing for them financially. And I think for some jobs and people, it is harder than one may think to just leave early..even every now and then because they don't want to be perceived as THAT employee.

This is my Dh exactly. His main family role is provider, in his opinion. Now, he is actually not a workaholic and very involved with the kids/family but it doesn't stop the conflict or feelings on his side.

Since it is easier to change yourself than someone else and it doesn't seem that the kids are specifically asking for Daddy, then I would propose that you find a way to make peace with the situation.

If you really want change, I suggest you ask your Dh to come up with a number of times per year that he feels comfortable coming home early/going in late and being the one who covers for you while you are gone. He gets to propose the number and then you get to pick the times he comes home (within reason if he has a major work project). However, on his part, he is going to agree to be home even if the nanny is otherwise there.

This should help balance his need to be at work with your need for him to be there when you are not. It can't make him want to be there, but nothing can do that.

[alootikki]

Thank you all for the excellent ideas and support! I am feeling much calmer now - my original post was written at the airport, when I was already upset about leaving a crying DS and had just gotten off the phone with DH still at the office! He's a good dad, and we need to figure out how to get on the same page about this stuff. There are many good suggestions here, now I just need to implement and talk to DH!

lmwbasye, your post did make me laugh. Your DH is a SOLDIER - he is working to save lives and protect our country! My DH is a corporate minion ;) - much less noble! :)