Mother's day depression

[DrSally]

Can you stand another
MD b#tch?

What would you think if your
DH who is gone every M-Th, and many times M-F or Sun-Fri chooses to take a vacation by Himself on mother's day weekend? No gift, nothing. Po'd, that's what.

[kms00]

I would think he was a jerk. So sorry your Mother's Day was not what you hoped for. Happy Mother's Day!

[KLD313]

Wow and I thought my BF was bad. I would be furious and planning my own trip for fathers day.

[crl]

I would be angry and sad. I am sorry. :hug:

Catherine

[novmber]

ooooh that is a major FAIL. sorry

Sent from my ADR6350 using Tapatalk 2

[citymama]

I think you need a spa day on Father's Day. I'm sorry your DH is being insensitive. Any chance he could have just forgotten? Grrr.

[hillview]

I would be angry and sad. I am sorry. :hug:

Catherine
:yeahthat::hug:

Sorry that sucks. DH did nothing for MD other than help me clean up some and THAT made me sad. I think you should tell DH he hurt your feelings.

[momm]

Boo! I'm sorry. did he forget that it was Mother's day?

[KrisM]

Ugh. I'm sorry.

[TwinFoxes]

I would be angry and sad. I am sorry. :hug:

Catherine

:yeahthat: Very much so. A spa day would not make me feel better. :(

[DietCokeLover]

I am so sorry. My feelings would be so hurt. I agree though, a spa or shopping day on Father's day seems in order.

[hellokitty]

OOooh, I'd be fuming too. I like the idea of using his father's day as yours mother's day. Makes perfect sense to me.

[brittone2]

I'd flip my lid. I'm so sorry. :hug:

[janine]

As you can see from my own thread, mine sucked too (just as some consolation) but YES your DH is a super jerk - what is his excuse?? Did you blast him? Seriously, go take a vacay next wkend and let him watch the kids - he doesn't need to know the details. If I knew you, I'd go with you!!

[DrSally]

Thanks ladies. Just feeling sorry for myself. No, he didn't forget. He called from his trip to say happy mother's day. Weak. I talked about driving separately to the cabin memorial day weekend, so I could stop at the outlet mall by myself on the way up. Keep in mind, that I have driven a nursing and PTing up there myself many, many times so that he could ride his motorcycle up. He had never driven them up there by himself. I blew up at him. Not the most mature, but, combined w/the mother's day fail, I couldn't take anymore.

[TwoBees]

I'd be PO'ed. So sorry. :hug:

[OKKiddo]

So he's at a cabin by himself and didn't want you to come up? And on Mother's Day to boot? I'd hire a private investigator and go for blood.

[edurnemk]

I would be furious and planning my own trip for fathers day.

:yeahthat: I'd be beyodn livid.

[stinkyfeet]

So he's at a cabin by himself and didn't want you to come up? And on Mother's Day to boot? I'd hire a private investigator and go for blood.

:yeahthat:

[vludmilla]

I'm sorry your DH was so lousy.

I would be livid and I think it would be difficult for DH to make it up to me. If I am reading things correctly that he didn't want you to come up to the cabin as you have done in the past, then I would be very suspicious as well.

[Clarity]

If you let him come home, you're much nicer than I. :hug5:I hope he takes the time to make it up to you, mama.

[mctlaw]

Wow, I am sorry, Your DH was being completely asinine. I'm having a hard time thinking of a way he could actually make it up to you. Did he even come home before leaving for business for the week?

[glbb35]

Spending Father's Day at a spa would be priceless! This is a great idea from the previous posters! Leaving him with the kids. hahahahah! To make it better make sure you leave the fridge empty and hide his car keys and the TV remote! then grab the paper on the way out so YOU can read it and he can't!

Then come home all refreshed and relaxed and ask how his special day was!

B

DS 03, 06, twins 09 and baby 7/11

[Melbel]

Wow. I am also angry and sad for you. Totally unacceptable by any standard. :grouphug:

[DrSally]

So he's at a cabin by himself and didn't want you to come up? And on Mother's Day to boot? I'd hire a private investigator and go for blood.

No, I'm sorry for confusing things. He's on a motorcycle trip with a group of guys--none of whom have children (all married though). Nothing untoward is going on there. I was talking about our mother's day phone conversation where I floated out an idea of driving up to the cabin separately for Memorial day so that I can stop by the outlets by myself on the way up. He didn't like that idea. Many times I drive the kids up there by myself--in addition to all the packing, so he can ride his motorcycle up. He has never driven the kids there on his own. It was really hard when DD was nursing and Ds was pting. I'd have to wake a sleeping baby to run the toddler into the bathroom.

And, no, he didn't come home before leaving for work again. He drove directly from where he was at to his current jobsite and will drive his motorcycle from there a long way home on Friday. So, he will be home a total of 5 days all month.

[janine]

No, I'm sorry for confusing things. He's on a motorcycle trip with a group of guys--none of whom have children (all married though). Nothing untoward is going on there. I was talking about our mother's day phone conversation where I floated out an idea of driving up to the cabin separately for Memorial day so that I can stop by the outlets by myself on the way up. He didn't like that idea. Many times I drive the kids up there by myself--in addition to all the packing, so he can ride his motorcycle up. He has never driven the kids there on his own. It was really hard when DD was nursing and Ds was pting. I'd have to wake a sleeping baby to run the toddler into the bathroom.

And, no, he didn't come home before leaving for work again. He drove directly from where he was at to his current jobsite and will drive his motorcycle from there a long way home on Friday. So, he will be home a total of 5 days all month.

UGH, I'm so sorry. This is kind of bigger than MD though, sounds like a bad and unacceptable pattern. Barely home and then pulls a crap move on MD. You need to lay down the law I think. And b*tch away here, it helps :).:grouphug:

[SnuggleBuggles]

You are a better person than me. When he gets home on Friday, if it were me, I'd have a hotel booked for myself and be out of there. A sitter would be there so you could arive at the hotel at check in and just tell dh to deal with it for the weekend.

[hellokitty]

Well, if he is on a getaway trip with other guys, I think that equal payback would be a getaway girls trip on father's day. I think that leaving him alone with the kids will be a nice wake up call.

[scrooks]

Well, if he is on a getaway trip with other guys, I think that equal payback would be a getaway girls trip on father's day. I think that leaving him alone with the kids will be a nice wake up call.

:yeahthat: for sure...

You are a much nicer person than I am ...

[smiles33]

Has he always been this dense and selfish? I ask because this seems totally unacceptable to me, but I also hesitate to pile on if this is who he is. If this is the case, then I think you may need some professional help (counseling?) to get through his thick skull. If it's really an unexpected screw-up, then yes, telling him now that you're heading off on a child-free weekend soon (heck, don't wait for father's day, do it earlier!) is a reasonable solution. I'd be furious, not just because it's Mother's Day (which is just icing on the cake), but the fact that he is being so incredibly selfish when he's been away all week and your kids likely miss him.

[lcarlson90]

I am sorry that your DH was so selfish on Mother's Day. What I am wondering is if he asked you before he planned this guys weekend if it was okay with you. My DH does the occasional guys weekend but he always asks me if it's okay before he agrees to anything. If my DH just went ahead and planned a guys weekend without asking me that would be the bigger issue.

[MamaMolly]

That is beyond selfish and into another whole new territory. He needs to grow up and you need to stop being a doormat. Stop ASKING him, stop floating things by him, and TELL HIM what you are doing. It is not up for discussion, not up for argument.

Honey, I'm going to the outlet mall by myself on the way to the cabin. You'll be taking the kids in the car.

End of discussion.

And hell yes I'd be going to a fancy spa weekend on Father's Day. Book it now.

[DrSally]

I don't want to get into too many details, but DH works an extremely stressful job. He basically does nothing but work, and I do pretty much everything else. So, from his perspective, he deserves a vacation and just takes it. Not realizing/understanding/caring, that i work really, really hard too, basically as a single parent during the week. So, anything "extra", like a trip on his part gets things so close to the tipping point b/c I'm already exhausted. I realize that he works hard, but everything comes on my back, even his time away. I have been working on being "too nice". Believe me.

[DrSally]

. If I knew you, I'd go with you!!

Thanks, that's sweet

[niccig]

That is beyond selfish and into another whole new territory. He needs to grow up and you need to stop being a doormat. Stop ASKING him, stop floating things by him, and TELL HIM what you are doing. It is not up for discussion, not up for argument.

Honey, I'm going to the outlet mall by myself on the way to the cabin. You'll be taking the kids in the car.

End of discussion.

And hell yes I'd be going to a fancy spa weekend on Father's Day. Book it now.

:yeahthat: The first time is the hardest as setting precedent, after that it gets easier. Some people won't consider other's needs, so you have to be vocal about it.

The first mention of a trip over Mother's Day, I would have say No way, not happening. You can go another weekend. And if DH still went, then he can find another home to go to when the weekend was over. I'm not putting up with disrespect. Our family is a team and we have to work together to help each other. Oh, and my DH works an incredible stressful job as well, so that's no excuse for ignoring the mother of your children on Mother's Day.

[Tinochka]

I’ll just let him be in your skin for couple hours or even more. Find something to do, let him know that you’ll be out of the house and DO IT! LIVE KIDS WITH HIM.
My DH is very supportive, but he didn’t understand why I am so “puffy” with kids sometimes (as if I woke up in the morning and decided to be like that).
So, I was going fishing, he was taking care of kids. First time around I was nervous, but then decided let it be... He became very aware of what does it mean to take care of kids all day long and not judging. When he was going to some places, he was saying like he can take one kid, I was sending both;) (“another one will be unhappy”). After all, these is the way how I am shopping, going to doctor’s appointments... Why it suppose to be any different?

[arivecchi]

I don't want to get into too many details, but DH works an extremely stressful job. He basically does nothing but work, and I do pretty much everything else. So, from his perspective, he deserves a vacation and just takes it. Not realizing/understanding/caring, that i work really, really hard too, basically as a single parent during the week. So, anything "extra", like a trip on his part gets things so close to the tipping point b/c I'm already exhausted. I realize that he works hard, but everything comes on my back, even his time away. I have been working on being "too nice". Believe me.
Trying to be supportive here, but this is no excuse. My DH has a super stressful job and insane hours as well. He would not dare plan a weekend with the guys without telling him and much less on MD. I know every relationship is different, but you are getting the short end of the stick here - big time. I personally would have had it out with DH and demanded counseling if he did not understand how self-centered he was being. I hope this is not harsh, but I am so mad in your behalf! I would definitely make him understand how he hurt your feelings and see how he reacts. That will tell you a lot. Agreeing with PP that you need to leave him with the kids for a weekend. Being at the office for 15 hours is usually easier and less exhausting than taking care of young kids!

[janine]

I agree with the others (I'm sorry), but the stressful job is not an excuse. Is President Obama taking off with his friends on Mother's Day?

Would you be ok if your DH went on a trip with other women because his job is stressful and he needs a break? T

This all sound ridiculous because I'm trying to make a point - that it's not acceptable because you are married and he can't have the best of both worlds.
I'm sorry - my situation is lousy too, but yours is bigger than MD/FD I'm afraid - I hope you can address it and confront him on this asap. HUGS!!!!!!!!

ETA I hope you don't take this as not being supportive, just trying to help b/c this is NOT fair to you, you deserve more!!! (we all do).

[MMMommy]

Unacceptable! Your DH is in the doghouse now!

[Still-in-Shock]

DrSally, you have a right to feel bad, but you also need to know why he only wants to spend 5 days out of the month with you. His job takes him away most of the week? Fine, why isn't he spending most weekends with his family?

MamaMolly said that you need to stop running things by him. Is it possible that you have been running things by him, because you are trying figure out how to make him happy? Are you walking on eggshells with him?

He is not going to understand that you are stressed by his absenteeism unless you tell him, and I don't mean letting loose and reading him the riot act. A PP poster suggested counseling, and it sounds like you 2 could really benefit from a good one, but since his time away from work is limited, that might not be practical.

When he is home next, and when the kids are elsewhere (you can send them to a neighbor or grandmother, etc.), let him know what's bothering you. Don't say "We need to talk", although you do. If you need to put together a script, do it, but don't read it. Don't overwhelm him with a long list, in fact keep it short. I think you will find that many of the problems fall into a larger category. For instance,
-You are away much more than your job would dictate. I have a right to know why.
-I realize a lot of your friends don't have children. You do. Do you have a problem with that?
-If I left you with the children for a weekend, would you be OK with that? What would you do?

Right after I got married, my husband was transferred to another state. After getting over being livid, we decided that I would stay in our house, and he would come home on weekends. It was hard work! But every time he came home, I would have something waiting for him and I would clear my calendar for time he was home. Sometimes we would meet at his favorite restaurant when he drove from the airport, and sometimes I would have take-out from the restaurant waiting at home. Fortunately, he was able to find a job back home after 2 years. But I think he worked to find that job because I made coming home his sanctuary. Even his family cooperated!

I don't know your situation or if this applies, but think about what the atmosphere is like when he comes home after being away for a week or 2.

Don't get me wrong, I think you have every right to rip his head off. But I don't think that will fix anything. A calm woman with a purpose is more powerful than anything else in this world, so that's the path I recommend.

[hollybloom24]

My good friend and neighbor called me to hear how my Mother's Day was. It was average, at best, due to lack of planning (forgot to make a restaurant reservation).

Her advice was to do what she does: plan exactly the day she wants (she makes reservations, plans, etc.) and tells her husband what she has arranged and what little gift (like nice soaps) she might want and when he should take the kids shopping. I told her that relieved DH of any responsibility for the day and she replied, "That's true, but at least you get the day you want."

I thought about it and I am going to do this from now on. It isn't ideal, but in the end I will be happier.

Dr. Sally, I think you should join me!!! My husband had to work last year on Mother's Day, so I get it. (And he could have made the effort to switch days, but didn't realize it until it was too late.)

[niccig]

Her advice was to do what she does: plan exactly the day she wants (she makes reservations, plans, etc.) and tells her husband what she has arranged and what little gift (like nice soaps) she might want and when he should take the kids shopping. I told her that relieved DH of any responsibility for the day and she replied, "That's true, but at least you get the day you want."

I thought about it and I am going to do this from now on. It isn't ideal, but in the end I will be happier.



You can also get the kids in on the planning. DS is 7 and for the last couple of years, he's been involved with the Mother's Day/birthday/Christmas Plans for both DH and me. He wouldn't let DH get away with not doing something. One year DH had already bought the present and DS told him that he wanted to choose my present, so DH took him shopping, and I got 2 presents that year.

[DrSally]

Thanks for the support and advice. I really just wanted to vent about MD. I don't feel comfortable talking about my marriage on a public forum, but I appreciate everyones thoughts.

[Still-in-Shock]

Sally, I apologize for getting personal. Your remark about only seeing him 5 days in a month set me going, but I am not in your situation, so I don't know if that is just a fact, an exception to the rule, or something else.

HollyBloom's neighbor got it right, I think. Most men are not very good at gift giving and some are terrible planners. And the good news is that if you tell them how to make you happy for different occasions, they eventually do it without prompting. Men don't read signals as well as women can, so we sometimes have to interpret for them. It's just one of those things.

[KpbS]

Sending hugs, Sally! Sorry the day was a disappointing one. :hug::hug::hug:

[hellokitty]

Sally, :hug:. I hope that you did not feel judged or attacked. I don't think that was anyone's intention. I think most of us just feel really bad for you. I totally get that you need to just vent it out. That is what the bitching folder is for.

[MamaMolly]

Sally, I'm sorry that I sounded so mean. I do not want to pick on you, your DH or your marriage. I was just angry for you, KWIM? My DH is also very committed to his work. To be honest, his work comes first then his family. I think I reacted so strongly because I've been there.
:grouphug:

[DrSally]

I know what you all mean, and I know that you're all trying to be supportive and we've all been there to varying degrees. I just really didn't want to get into a lot of details online, so that's where my post was coming from. With that said, here's a small update, lol:

I told DH, " I don't think you understand how hurtful and disrespectful it is for a husband to go away on a solo vacation on MD". He said He didn't realize it when he planned it, I'm right, and he's sorry. That was good. OTOH, I just read some research that said " I'm sorry" in a relationship is just the beginning, it takes 5 nice gestures/acts to rebalance after one hurtful one. Which I believe, b/c negative events have a much greater impact than positive ones, in general.

[niccig]

I just read some research that said " I'm sorry" in a relationship is just the beginning, it takes 5 nice gestures/acts to rebalance after one hurtful one. Which I believe, b/c negative events have a much greater impact than positive ones, in general.

I would agree with this. Can you have a do-over. Tell him you want to have brunch out this weekend and then you go to spa/nail salon? We celebrated Mother's Day last weekend as had a school camping trip on Mother's Day.

[edurnemk]

I don't want to get into too many details, but DH works an extremely stressful job. He basically does nothing but work, and I do pretty much everything else. So, from his perspective, he deserves a vacation and just takes it. Not realizing/understanding/caring, that i work really, really hard too, basically as a single parent during the week. So, anything "extra", like a trip on his part gets things so close to the tipping point b/c I'm already exhausted. I realize that he works hard, but everything comes on my back, even his time away. I have been working on being "too nice". Believe me.

DH travels for work every weeks, sometimes 2-4 weeks at a time, works insane hours, sometimes even weekends. I appreciate this and I'm very supportive but I don't think it's reason for him to spend his free time alone. DH takes his breaks and vacations with us. I see no reason why your DH can't decompress and have fun with his family.


Trying to be supportive here, but this is no excuse. My DH has a super stressful job and insane hours as well. He would not dare plan a weekend with the guys without telling him and much less on MD. I know every relationship is different, but you are getting the short end of the stick here - big time. I personally would have had it out with DH and demanded counseling if he did not understand how self-centered he was being. I hope this is not harsh, but I am so mad in your behalf! I would definitely make him understand how he hurt your feelings and see how he reacts. That will tell you a lot. Agreeing with PP that you need to leave him with the kids for a weekend. Being at the office for 15 hours is usually easier and less exhausting than taking care of young kids!

:yeahthat:


DrSally, you have a right to feel bad, but you also need to know why he only wants to spend 5 days out of the month with you. His job takes him away most of the week? Fine, why isn't he spending most weekends with his family?


:yeahthat:

Have you tried calmly telling him that you appreciate his hard work, but that the fact that he wants to spend his little time off away from you, makes you feel sad and unappreciated? Have you asked him why he doesn't want to be with his family when he has free time? Not in a recriminatory way, but I think this is an important conversation to have. There are ways to have fun and decompress with the family, your kids also need to spend time with him, since they see so little of him during the week (for example I always mention to DH that DS is sad and misses him and is dying for him to come home in the weekend and is already planning all sorts of stuff to do with him). Your DH needs to understand he's not single anymore, and he needs to include his family in his free time, because his family NEEDS him (men like to feel needed so emphasize how much you guys need him to be around more). And you are working very hard, too.

ETA: I just read your update. I'm glad he seems aware of it being a bad decision. But I still think he needs to make it up to you. A spa day for starters would be nice, while he stays with the kids!