My dream of living overseas is gone. :(

[OKKiddo]

When we found out we were getting assigned to Japan we were ecstatic! It was going to be my first overseas assignment (he had done Alaska before we met) and it was going to be one of our last assignments before his retirement. Then after finding out we had a horrible time of rushing around getting everything updated for screenings, exceptional family member info for school and list of services that my children (with mild and moderate autism) would need. I'm talking over a half dozen visits to two offices with all three children in tow. Lots of stress and preparations made in advance because of very little time before the move.

We found out tonight that the assignment won't be approved. They're basing their decision off of the preschool that we chose to put our sons in when the first choice closed without notice a month before school started (in an area with one year long wait lists). The preschool happens to be an integrated classroom at a parochial school with small classroom sizes. It was one of the options that we were offered and we chose them over the larger classroom at another parochial school because we like the idea of smaller classrooms and more one on one time.

Turns out our decision is what impacted the decision for allowing us to come to Japan because they said they don't have any integrated classrooms and they can't offer us less than what we're currently receiving. Never mind that we knew that next year we would be moving to a mainstream classroom based off of the preschool teachers recommendations at their most recent IEP meetings. They won't listen to this. They're just giving us a flat out no.

I'm so ticked and sad that I could very easily throw a temper tantrum like my sons. But I know I'm supposed to be mature. I've been married to a military man (an officer) for almost 11 years--been with him for 14 years and I've never been outside the states save for a week in Mexico. He's telling me we can still go on vacation next year but I know realistically he's never going to do this (airfare for 5 to Japan would be over $6,000).

I have so few dreams left in my life--I've given up many to stay beside him and raise our family. Now I've lost the dream of living oversees too. I know there are worse things but right now I'm feeling pretty upset and I'm not ready to see the silver lining.

In fact, I'm even more terrified because two of the likely places we'll go are in and around Maryland/D.C. I HATE THE SNOW!!! I'm in Kansas right now and thankfully we had a mild winter THIS year (last year was my nightmare). And the recent threads on Lyme Disease is banging around in my head too.

So, for now I'll be upset. In the end I'll just have to deal. But not right now.

[DietCokeLover]

I am so sorry. No words to offer, just hugs for your hurt.

[OKKiddo]

GAH!! And I sold off all of my SBS double strollers (A BJCMD and a MBUJD) because they were too wide for sidewalks in Japan.

[stefani]

:grouphug: I am sorry....

[kozachka]

I can't believe it! Are you sure they are not using it as an excuse for something bigger.

[OKKiddo]

I can't believe it! Are you sure they are not using it as an excuse for something bigger.

No, it's all based on what the IEP's state and the current IEP's are for integrated classrooms (half with IEP's and half that are typically developing). If the teacher had stated that the integrated classroom was a choice and that we were offered mainstreaming with supports and what the supports were, ie: speech therapy xx mins a week then we would have been approved. But, you're talking about a civilian teacher and students who will stay in the same location and go from her classroom to the next one each year and not move from one place to the next. So, we're penalized for not attending military only schools (the military preschool--the child development center-- didn't treat my sons very well at all so we opted to not give them any of our business again).

I know they really do have their best interests in mind but I know in my heart we all would have been fine and flourished overseas. Such a golden opportunity and now it's gone. :(

[crl]

I am so so sorry.

And I know it may be too late to make this argument. But the federal statute that sets forth special education law (IDEA) says that children must be placed in the least restrictive environment. A mainstream classroom is less restrictive than the setting your chidren are currently in. So they would not be offering you "less" than you have now, they would be providing the least restrictive environment per the statute, assuming your kids would be okay in the mainstream setting.

Catherine

[OKKiddo]

I am so so sorry.

And I know it may be too late to make this argument. But the federal statute that sets forth special education law (IDEA) says that children must be placed in the least restrictive environment. A mainstream classroom is less restrictive than the setting your chidren are currently in. So they would not be offering you "less" than you have now, they would be providing the least restrictive environment per the statute, assuming your kids would be okay in the mainstream setting.

Catherine

My children were in mainstream classes before we moved here, when we moved here and up until this last year when their school closed 1 month before the beginning of school. They left over 300 families scrambling to find alternate schools in our area that are notorious for having year long wait lists. We refused to use the post's Child Development Center because they were horrible to my then 3 year old (didn't like that he wasn't potty trained though it wasn't required, would write him up formally for hiding under the table instead of immediately going to storytime, and never stuck up for him when the older children constantly took toys from him. The main teacher was really verbally mean to him and he picked up on it) and they allowed my moderately autistic then 4 year old to sit in a corner all day and never encouraged him to interact with the other children. They just let him lay on the floor and line up cars/play with trains....so we refused to give them our business and went with the only other option that was readily accessible (no wait lists) and utilized the integrated classroom.

I don't know that we can do anything to argue back, I think that ship has sailed. But you're right--least restrictive environment is not being followed right now.

[sariana]

I can't believe it! Are you sure they are not using it as an excuse for something bigger.

No, this actually is a requirement for families with a child in the Exceptional Family Member Program--they must consider the child's needs.

OKKiddo, I'm so sorry. What a disappointment.

[okinawama]

I'm so sorry! I taught at a school on base while we lived there, and noticed that the exceptional family member program can be a bit backwards sometimes. I agree with you, this amazing life experience would have been incredibly beneficial for you and your children! I'm sorry it's been taken from you guys!

[AnnieW625]

So sorry you aren't able to move, but hope that you are able to adjust to your new location. And hey now you can start stroller shopping again. :hug:

[roseyloxs]

I am so sorry. :hug: If your husband has leave saved up you can definitely travel overseas using your 'space-available' benefits. If you end up on the east coast this will make it even easier since most flights overseas leave from there. I don't know much about Asia but getting to Germany is really easy. There are flights out of BWI a few times a week and its on a regular passenger plane. Check out this page (http://www.pepperd.com/vb/content.php?) for more info. You'll need to register to get the good info. Also a lot of the base pax terminals have started facebook pages where they post tentative flight info (This includes Ramstein, Andrews, Dover, Charleston, Travis, Hickam, Dover, Kasena, Osan, etc ). Just do a search for 'passenger terminal' and you should be able to find them all.

Just travel when the DoDDs schools are in session and you won't have any trouble getting on a flight of your choice. You can find their calendar online if you don't know when that is. Obviously the big downside to space-a travel is that its not planned and you are going to need to be flexible and possibly wait in terminals for many hours or even get last minute hotel rooms. Its basically free though so its most definitely worth it.

[sunshine873]

That stinks. You sacrifice so much & get your hopes up, just to have them dashed. I wondered if we should enroll DD in EFMP early on (when she was still developmentally behind) but now I'm glad we didn't. What a nightmare! :( So sorry...

[VClute]

That stinks. You sacrifice so much & get your hopes up, just to have them dashed. I wondered if we should enroll DD in EFMP early on (when she was still developmentally behind) but now I'm glad we didn't. What a nightmare! :( So sorry...

Yep. I had a friend who once started the process to get her DS diagnosed and enrolled in the Exceptional Family Member Program, then realized it would limit her husband's career options. With draw-down looming, I'm sure it's particularly worrisome.

[OKKiddo]

so sorry you aren't able to move, but hope that you are able to adjust to your new location. And hey now you can start stroller shopping again. :hug:

absolutely!!!

[Still-in-Shock]

I am so sorry that this fell through for you. It's so disheartening when you put your heart and soul into planning something wonderful and you lose out due to something really out in left field.

I am hoping that this means that something else even better is in store for you. :praying: And don't give up on your dreams - they may take longer to come through, but the wait will be worth it.

[lmwbasye]

Yep. I had a friend who once started the process to get her DS diagnosed and enrolled in the Exceptional Family Member Program, then realized it would limit her husband's career options. With draw-down looming, I'm sure it's particularly worrisome.

Definitely. It's total BS when they say it's okay to be open and honest with any mental and emotional problems you may be having. No wonder there are so many suicides and un-helped issues with PTSD in the military. It's a completely screwed up situation. This will be THE HARDEST year in our 10 years of war so far and it will be nearly impossible to seek any help or assistance for fear of them screwing with our orders.

[anonomom]

That stinks. I'm so sorry. It seems so odd (to this non-military person) that something as small as the "wrong" preschool choice can scuttle a whole career opportunity.

(I'm sure it's small comfort right now, but DC doesn't get much snow. Some years, none at all.)

[okinawama]

This will be THE HARDEST year in our 10 years of war so far and it will be nearly impossible to seek any help or assistance for fear of them screwing with our orders.

The EFMP program really isn't out there to "punish" or harm families, and if you feel your family is in need of the services this provides you guaranteed access to (and from this statement above, it sounds like that is a possibility) than I feel it is absolutely worth the risking a "good assignment" or possible career promotions. I've only seen this program in action with children, and I have heard from other teachers that some kids don't get the services they need because the family came over after choosing not to enroll in the EFMP program, and the school is not equipped to handle certain special needs. A typical assignment (3yrs or so) is a long time for some children to go without receiving valuable and necessary services.

[glbb35]

Sorry your dreams are dashed! That sucks if the reason was really the schooling. I grew up a military brat and we were moved every few years. IT was tough and my dad traveled a lot more so that we didn't have to move quite so frequently. But back then schools were never a consideration so I will give them that if that is the reason.

Growing up this way I am now this way as an adult. I am ready to leave my house move on and start again about every 3-4 years. IT is getting harder now that we have a family, especially a big family. I understand what is like to be told where you are going and then make all the preparations and then have it changed. This happened to my parents 3x when we were younger and affected me as well as I was ready to move.

Where are you in Kansas? We ended up there 3 times over my 20 years with my dad in the service. It is an interesting place. PM me if you want I would love to hear about where you are if you don't want to post to all. Our last move there was on Christmas Eve and the following year we were snowed in with a blizzard and ice storm. That was some kind of weather! Add in tornado season and we had several growing up and the hot dry summers, it is not for faint of heart. I do have fond memories of base living though and made friends I have had all my life.

I hope something else more fun works out for you since you don't want to be in the DC area. Thank you for being a military wife. It is a tough job. Military families are a special bunch! We have a plaque hanging in my mom's house that reads "Home is where the military sends you" :)

B

DS 03, 06, twins 09, baby 7/11

[lmwbasye]

The EFMP program really isn't out there to "punish" or harm families, and if you feel your family is in need of the services this provides you guaranteed access to (and from this statement above, it sounds like that is a possibility) than I feel it is absolutely worth the risking a "good assignment" or possible career promotions. I've only seen this program in action with children, and I have heard from other teachers that some kids don't get the services they need because the family came over after choosing not to enroll in the EFMP program, and the school is not equipped to handle certain special needs. A typical assignment (3yrs or so) is a long time for some children to go without receiving valuable and necessary services.

It completely depends on the circumstances but for us, I wholeheartedly disagree. Yes, we are giving up mental health and other services (or the possibility of them) but we are gaining a position that will have DH non-deployable for two years. That is an amazing amount of stability for us that may be equally as effective as any therapy or medications. We have been back and forth through deployments for ten years now and two years of stability vs. two years of continual deployments and craziness with therapy is definitely the hands-down winner.

[okinawama]

Like I said, I really only have experience with the program in children, and I think the in certain circumstances avoiding enrolling in EFMP can be detrimental to the child.
It sounds like for your family, stability and time together will be the most beneficial thing, but or many of those I've read about ( never experienced, so I may be way off base!) their symptoms associated with PTSD or other mental health issues wouldn't have improved with time or stability, so for them, what helps your family wouldn't apply and certainly not seeking the help needed just to stay out of EFMP could be detrimental to the individual and possibly the entire family.

I hope that your family is able to get the much deserved and needed time together!

[OKKiddo]

I am so sorry that this fell through for you. It's so disheartening when you put your heart and soul into planning something wonderful and you lose out due to something really out in left field.

I am hoping that this means that something else even better is in store for you. :praying: And don't give up on your dreams - they may take longer to come through, but the wait will be worth it.

It was a hard blow for this to not come through, we're still waiting to find out where we're going to go and I'll find reasons to be happy with whatever location that is as long as it means he's not sent on a tasking overseas (because orders have cycles--most people move in the summer or the winter. Summer orders have all been issued and the "good" jobs taken so we're going to be very lucky if he's not sent overseas for another deployment). I would much rather us be in the armpit of Army hell and be together than to be stuck in Army paradise and be alone.



That stinks. I'm so sorry. It seems so odd (to this non-military person) that something as small as the "wrong" preschool choice can scuttle a whole career opportunity.

(I'm sure it's small comfort right now, but DC doesn't get much snow. Some years, none at all.)

I agree, it seems fishy to not have been approved based on preschool choice. It's sad and sucky but we'll get over it. And I googled the weather after I made my post and it's like you said-- not much snow so I'll be very happy! Not to mention it's on the east coast and I've never lived on that side of the coast so it will be nice (and many beautiful lighthouses to go and see!).



Sorry your dreams are dashed! That sucks if the reason was really the schooling. I grew up a military brat and we were moved every few years. IT was tough and my dad traveled a lot more so that we didn't have to move quite so frequently. But back then schools were never a consideration so I will give them that if that is the reason.

Growing up this way I am now this way as an adult. I am ready to leave my house move on and start again about every 3-4 years. IT is getting harder now that we have a family, especially a big family. I understand what is like to be told where you are going and then make all the preparations and then have it changed. This happened to my parents 3x when we were younger and affected me as well as I was ready to move.

Where are you in Kansas? We ended up there 3 times over my 20 years with my dad in the service. It is an interesting place. PM me if you want I would love to hear about where you are if you don't want to post to all. Our last move there was on Christmas Eve and the following year we were snowed in with a blizzard and ice storm. That was some kind of weather! Add in tornado season and we had several growing up and the hot dry summers, it is not for faint of heart. I do have fond memories of base living though and made friends I have had all my life.

I hope something else more fun works out for you since you don't want to be in the DC area. Thank you for being a military wife. It is a tough job. Military families are a special bunch! We have a plaque hanging in my mom's house that reads "Home is where the military sends you" :)

B

DS 03, 06, twins 09, baby 7/11

I'm used to moving every few years myself and I get "twitchy" if we don't. :) My daddy was a truck driver and we moved frequently so I guess I was bred for this army life of moving around, lol! We're near Kansas City so this past winter was a mild one but the first winter we were here was brutal. I cannot live like that!! I'll take blazing heat and crippling humidity (or desert arid climate) any day! And I have a healthy respect for tornadoes because I grew up in Oklahoma--this girl doesn't stick around above ground to take video!! I take my sensible, life loving self to the basement or an underground shelter!! :)

Also, my husband and I have discussed going to live in Japan after he retires from the Army (in a couple of years) because there are contracting positions that he can get in his job field. We both want that overseas experience enough that we're willing to drastically change our lives for it when our commitment to the Army is up. I think it will be a great experience for our family--and even better then because we'll have all 3 children who will be school age (we're planning to homeschool once he retires because we've always wanted to homeschool but he wants to be a big part of it and not just have me be in charge of it) and will actually have lasting memories of that time to take away for the rest of their lives.

So, even if the Army won't give it to us while we're in, we'll figure out a way to do it later! :) I'm ok now, not as depressed and back to my usual positive thinking! Thanks so much for the opportunity to vent with some much needed support and commiseration.

As for the EFMP aspect...we felt that enrolling in it and the benefits it gave us outweighed the other limitations that were a possibility. It does stink when orders/assignments are delayed/denied, or when the gaining person doesn't interpret the needs in a way we feel is accurate but we have had the ability to gain some control back in our lives and help our children grow at a much faster rate than what we could have done on our own. And ST, OT, PT, and ABA therapy are expensive if paid for out of pocket. In fact, to get the Army (Tricare) to pay for ABA we HAD to enroll in EFMP and then enroll in the special needs side of Tricare called ECHO to get ABA therapy approved and paid for. But it was so worth it! Unfortunately, ABA therapy and ECHO don't follow the military family into retirement so we definitely wanted to get into it and graduate out of it before retirement ($$$$). We'll take the hits now so that our family is in a better position mentally, emotionally, physically, and financially later.