When can I stop lying about this?

[twowhat?]

This is SO getting under my skin. My mom's assitant teacher called me yesterday to get some help in planning a surprise retirement party for her. She said "Of course we would like to have you and your brother and dad all be here as the surprise". Whuck? How has my mom hidden the fact that my brother died last year from her co-workers? And now I'm forced to continue to lie about it??

I shouldn't be surprised. My cousins and grandparents STILL don't know, and my parents do not intend to tell them, using the excuse that "Grandfather is old and will probably die any day now - let him die thinking everything is fine". My family is SO dysfunctional. It makes me SO angry. How can you move on from a family member's passing when you won't even acknowledge it to your OWN family and the people who are in your lives on a daily basis???? Not to mention how unfair it is of me to have to continue the lie.

I am so angry right now!!!

There's really nothing I can do. I am NOT going to be the one to break the "news" against my parent's wishes. I am not close to my cousins and grandparents and my mom's co-workers are only acquaintances. But I just had to b!tch about the absurdity of it all.

[scrooks]

I do not blame you! That is a horrible secret to have to carry around!:hug:

[Fairy]

What a terrible burden for you to carry around. I am so sorry. I can't imagine having to continue to lie about such an important family event as the death of your brother. Is this a coping mechanism for your mother? That if she does not acknowledge it then it won't be as real? I"m just so sorry.

Not to make light of anything you've said, but I want you to know, if it makes you feel any better, I plan on using "whuck" veeeery liberally from now on.

[khalloc]

Wow. I cant believe you have to keep that secret. That is just awful. I would be tempted to start telling people if they mentioned him.

[elektra]

That is horrible. I am so sorry, and I'm not even sure any advice I could give would be relevant and I just can't imagine not mentioning someone has passed away like that.
And how awkward to have to be forced into the lie via the surprise party. I might suggest to the organizer that they give your mom a heads up that they invited you and your brother and your dad- maybe a few days before or something. I know they want it to be a surprise but I just feel like it would be even worse it it all came out somehow AT the retirement party. That way she can handle it and give you guys a heads up on how she wants it to be handled among her coworkers.
As far as your own family goes- I am not sure if I could keep that lie going.

[TwinFoxes]

I am so sorry. They have put a terrible burden on you. I have no advice, but just want to offer support. I know his death was a shock and a terrible blow, but I don't think the way they are handling it is helping anyone, them or you. :hug:

[wellyes]

I am so sorry. For you, and for her for carrying this secret to. I know the secret is nothing compared to the grief. For you, and her too.

[pinkmomagain]

Wow. This is so disturbing and so emotionally unhealthy. So sorry you are having to deal with this on top of the natural grieving.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

oh my goodness, i am so sorry you have to deal with this. I would be so angry too, for being forced to lie about something like this. :hug:

[lmh2402]

that is just horrid. absolutely terrible on so many levels. i'm so sorry...for you and for your mom/parents. you're right - no way to possibly grieve fully/healthily, if you can't even fully acknowledge the loss. :hug: :hug: :hug:

[crl]

I am so sorry. That is so unfair to you to pile that on top of your grief.

Catherine

[AnnieW625]

If your dad knows about the surprise party for your mom you really need to convince him to tell your mom's co workers so no one is wondering why your brother isn't at the party, esp. if no one knows he had problems when he was alive. I would just hate for your mother to get a teared up if everyone is asking her where your brother is.

:hug: to you, and your entire family.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

If your dad knows about the surprise party for your mom you really need to convince him to tell your mom's co workers so no one is wondering why your brother isn't at the party, esp. if no one knows he had problems when he was alive. I would just hate for your mother to get a teared up if everyone is asking her where your brother is.

:hug: to you, and your entire family.


:yeahthat: I was thinking about this too, after what elektra said. Wouldn't want to get involved and ruin the surprise but then again, I would be afraid of the potential of lots of people asking your mom where your brother is, in front of everyone, etc. BUt i guess maybe she must have already used to being asked about him and lying about it, given it's been over a year and nobody knows? I don't know..

Again, so sorry you have to worry about this.

[niccig]

OMG, are you my sister. My mother does similar things, huge lies that wants everyone else to go along with. I don't anymore - it's such a tangled web of lies that you get tripped up in it and then have to try to back out of a statement when someone questions you.

I would tell you mother at some point that you're not going to lie and if someone asks about your DB, you're going to tell them the truth. She can't make you lie, only you do that. :hug: dysfunction is an understatement.

[twowhat?]

Sigh. Thanks for all the replies. I considered telling my mom and ruining the surprise. But honestly, I think I'm beyond the point of trying to "look out" for her in this way anymore. I've tried in the past but she is stubborn and however she wants to handle her grief is hers alone now.

I'm seriously considering not going to avoid all this. I have good excuses. I just started a new job and technically have NO vacation/PTO for the first 3 months. So I technically couldn't even take time off to go. Second, it'll be in the late afternoon (3:30-5:30) and DH will be out of town on one of the days they're considering doing it. Which means I need to be back to pick up the girls, and to drive back from my mom's school to the girls' preschool in rush hour would take 45 min in good traffic - more if there's a delay.

Anyway I might simply tell my mom's co-workers that I'm glad to help them plan the party, but will not be able to attend due to work. I will make sure my mom has a nice gift to open there that is from me (I have my eye on the Love.Inspire.Teach pendant from The Vintage Pearl). She will have to field the questions on her own. If I'm asked about my brother in passing while helping her coworkers with planning, I'll simply say "He is unable to come" which is not a lie, LOLOLOL (UGH).

My family is so dysfunctional. Some of it is cultural, but this is even an extreme example of that. I know my mom is hesitant to share the news in part because of pride. That people will see her as a failure of a mother. That the family will see it as a "pox", etc. Which is really, really sad - but if she can't get past that, I cannot help her:( Oh and she's an expert at hiding her emotions (which means so am I, I guess hahaha) - for example I had no idea she had cancer EVEN when she was going through chemotherapy for a whole 6 months!

eta: Oh, and Fairy - I got "Whuck?" from Rants from Mommyland. One of my favorite expressions EVER!!!

[Globetrotter]

Omg, that is unbelievable. It sounds like there is a history of this but I am astonished that she lives in denial like this, even to family. Wow.

I am so sorry she put you into this predicament :hug:

I would be tempted to not go, honestly, unless you could convince them to tell the truth, but at the same time it's an important event. Gosh, I just don't know!

[brgnmom]

oh no, I'm sorry that your parents are having you shoulder this major burden of covering up your brother's death. It's already difficult enough having to cope with the loss of your sibling, and then to be expected to pretend like nothing has happened to other people your parents interact with is just.plain.wrong and unfair to you. :hug:

[misshollygolightly]

WHUCK?!?! That is crazy! (I'm also a RFML fan, btw :waving4:) Anyway, I know you don't want to have to sort it all out and I agree that it isn't really your responsibility. But I do wonder if you should just send the Assistant Teacher/party planner a simple email saying something like "Thank you for all you're doing to show my mom that she's appreciated. I wanted to let you know, though, that my brother will not be attending. He passed away some months ago. My mother has not said anything to you as she strongly prefers not to talk about it. It's a painful subject for her, and I'm sure she would rather you not try to bring it up. I only mention this to avoid any awkwardness on the day of the party. Thanks again for all your hard work!"

I understand if you just don't want to say anything, but I also think that (as others have mentioned) it may come up at the party in an awkward and painful way. Also, a simple message like this would keep you from having to be implicated in your mom's lie while still letting the coworker know that the subject is off-limits for your mom.

Most of all, I'm sorry for your loss...and sorry that your mom is preventing your family from healing.

[twowhat?]

WHUCK?!?! That is crazy! (I'm also a RFML fan, btw :waving4:) Anyway, I know you don't want to have to sort it all out and I agree that it isn't really your responsibility. But I do wonder if you should just send the Assistant Teacher/party planner a simple email saying something like "Thank you for all you're doing to show my mom that she's appreciated. I wanted to let you know, though, that my brother will not be attending. He passed away some months ago. My mother has not said anything to you as she strongly prefers not to talk about it. It's a painful subject for her, and I'm sure she would rather you not try to bring it up. I only mention this to avoid any awkwardness on the day of the party. Thanks again for all your hard work!"

I understand if you just don't want to say anything, but I also think that (as others have mentioned) it may come up at the party in an awkward and painful way. Also, a simple message like this would keep you from having to be implicated in your mom's lie while still letting the coworker know that the subject is off-limits for your mom.

Most of all, I'm sorry for your loss...and sorry that your mom is preventing your family from healing.

You know - I don't know why I didn't really consider this before. That's actually a pretty good idea and if my mom somehow finds out and confronts me about it I can simply tell her "everyone kept asking if DB could come". I know some PPs have mentioned this as well but for some reason your post made it click - I think it's that you totally worded the email for me - thanks!! :) I think I might do just that! You guys totally ROCK!

[misshollygolightly]

Good luck, TwoWhat. It's definitely an awkward and painful situation to be in...but to me, at least, being straightforward with the coworker seems like the best way out. Just because your mom isn't ready to talk about such a difficult and personal issue with a coworker (and I don't think she necessarily needs to share it with her coworkers! her family is a different matter, but that's not the issue here)...anyway, all that doesn't mean that you have to lie to or mislead the coworker.

I don't see why you'd need to spoil the surprise or anything...just gently tell the coworker so she understands the situation and knows to handle it delicately. Surely she can respect that (but ya know what...even if she does bring it up with your mom well, then that's something your mom has to deal with....not you). Plus, how weird would it be if you don't tell the coworker and she keeps coming back to you with emails about how she's not getting a response from your brother and can you contact him for her and stuff! EEEK! Even more awkward. Anyway, hopefully by just telling her you can get past this sticky situation and move on. :hug: Hugs to you, and I hope this helps this silly party become a chance to celebrate instead of feeling all awkward and guilty!

[nmosur]

I am so sorry that you are dealing with something like this. Hope the retirement party goes well for your mom. I have a friend whose parents refused to tell anyone that she was divorced - she had to answers questions about her "husband" like she was still married :-(