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View Full Version : I hate that this bothers me. But it does.



Green_Tea
05-20-2012, 05:02 PM
I have a friend. Let's call her Sue. Sue and I have known each other for around 6-7 years because our oldest DDs attended preschool together, and then our sons went together. All the kids went from preschool into the same elementary school, so we have been in and out of classes together for quite some time. Our families have hung out together on many occasions for many years, and our paths cross frequently. Sue is not my best friend, but I like her a lot. We always have fun when we're together. I wouldn't say we're close friends, but if I were planning a girls night or a party, she'd be on the list for sure. She's definitely more than an acquaintance or a casual friend.

I found out today that Sue is having a party for Memorial Day. We attended this party last year (and we also attended her annual Christmas party). Well, apparently we didn't make the cut this year. Other friends of ours did, but we did not. Honestly, I'm shocked. And hurt. I am not even sure we would have gone (they hold it at their beach house, which is about 90 minutes away), but I am really surprised not to be invited, especially because our sons played together just a few weeks ago and her husband was here last week to work on his business's website with my husband.

I know that not everyone can be invited to every party, blah, blah, blah. But I never thought I'd be cut from THIS person's guest list. It's the worse feeling ever.
:(

TwinFoxes
05-20-2012, 05:12 PM
Are you sure there's not an invite that went missing? Because it sounds really off, unless you left out that you stole their silver last time. I'd be hurt and confused too. It just doesn't add up.

Green_Tea
05-20-2012, 05:20 PM
Are you sure there's not an invite that went missing? Because it sounds really off, unless you left out that you stole their silver last time. I'd be hurt and confused too. It just doesn't add up.

I suppose it's possible, but she uses Evite for pretty much every party she throws and I've never not gotten one. I could ask a mutual friend who was invited to check the "not yet responded" list, but honestly, if we're not on it, it will just make me feel worse to hear it.

What makes it even more upsetting is I found out about it because I was considering having a small BBQ for Memorial Day, and was discussing a potential guest list with a friend, and mentioned Sue's name. The friend (who assumed that we were invited because we always are) said, "Oh, she's doing her beach house party so she won't be able to attend."

I am tempted to have a BBQ and send Sue an invite, just to see what kind of reaction she has. But that feels really 7th grade.

swissair81
05-20-2012, 05:54 PM
There was this family that I mothers helper'd for years. I practically helped raise her kids. I was invited to her first 2 boys bar mitzvahs (and somewhere in the middle, she was my oldest DD's first grade teacher), but then I wasn't invited to the bar mitzvah of the son I practically raised from a baby. I tried not to let it bother me, but it really did. I felt so juvenile, but I still kind of wonder about it.

♥ms.pacman♥
05-20-2012, 06:38 PM
you mentioned you only found out about the party through a mutual friend...could it be Sue just happened to have told that friend casually she was having the Memorial Day party that day, but she has not yet sent out the Evite to everyone?

but in any case, i am sorry. i tend to get bothered by these things too. it's like, I just want to know WHY i wasn't invited (but then I don't, IYKWIM). this sort of happened to me a few years ago...a grad school friend was having her wedding the same month as mine..we talked about wedding planning a lot together, i sent her a save the date card, and then invitation, etc...but i never got invited to hers. She even gave me a wedding present a few months before my wedding (she didn't come to my wedding). it felt so odd. She didn't have a small, family-only wedding either, she posted pics via email or FB or whatever and I saw she had other grad school friends i knew there too. I felt bad, and then I felt bad about feeling bad about it.

echoesofspring
05-20-2012, 06:48 PM
It sucks to feel excluded no matter what the circumstances. I was "uninvited" to a bday party this year when the venue was moved from a family friendly restaurant I could drop in and hang a bit with DS (I had no childcare that night) to a definitely adults only tapas bar. I just thought the party ended up falling through that evening - until the pics & status updates showed up on fb :( I know it was probably an oversight, but it stung....

LBW
05-20-2012, 06:51 PM
This kind of thing bothers me a lot, too. I have a friend who will complain to me all the time about how certain people never invite her to dinner, etc. I have invited her to dinner many times and have often done things with her family and/or just with her. But, I've never been invited to dinner at her house. I know many of the people she complains about have been invited for dinner at her house. She tells me about all the things she does for them -- things she's never done for me. Little things like that just kept coming up. I've been distancing myself from her for the past 6 months. I miss her a little, but overall, I'm happier. The constant stress of being treated like I was on her B list just wasn't worth it.

SnuggleBuggles
05-20-2012, 07:27 PM
It'd bother me too. (((((hugs))))

Philly Mom
05-20-2012, 07:46 PM
It has happened to me and it feels awful. Don't let it ruin your weekend. Hugs.

nmosur
05-20-2012, 07:53 PM
Talking of invitations, there is this one friend I have who always responds with "if we don't have anything else come up we'll come to the party". And by anything else she means another birthday party/dinner invite. I can't get over her stupidity of actually saying it to me - she can very well say that she will let me know.

ZeeBaby
05-20-2012, 08:04 PM
Do you feel close enough to call her and casually ask what she is doing next weekend because you wanted to have a party. She sounds like a friend and it surprising that you weren't invited. It could have really been an oversight.

Green_Tea
05-20-2012, 08:30 PM
you mentioned you only found out about the party through a mutual friend...could it be Sue just happened to have told that friend casually she was having the Memorial Day party that day, but she has not yet sent out the Evite to everyone?


It's possible but I don't think so - the mutual friend and Sue are not close at all, and rarely see each other. I got the impression that it was an email because the mutual friend said she immediately RSVPed that they couldn't make it.


Talking of invitations, there is this one friend I have who always responds with "if we don't have anything else come up we'll come to the party". And by anything else she means another birthday party/dinner invite.

That's AWFUL. Next time you have a party, call her the day before and say, "We're having a party tomorrow. All our coolest friends couldn't make it, so we thought we'd see if you could come."


Do you feel close enough to call her and casually ask what she is doing next weekend because you wanted to have a party. She sounds like a friend and it surprising that you weren't invited. It could have really been an oversight.

If I bump into her at pick-up, I might say something like that. I don't want to call. I really am shocked and rather hurt.

eagle
05-20-2012, 10:17 PM
ugh i hate this sort of ****. i am the same way. i hate that this stuff bothers me. but it does.

:hug:

KpbS
05-20-2012, 11:06 PM
I'm sorry! That totally stings. I don't get it. I've been excluded by a group of friends lately and have just decided to try to cut my losses and move on. I'm trying to make more of an effort to reach out to some other friends and make my own plans.

ha98ed14
05-21-2012, 12:12 AM
BTDT and it sucks. Maybe it will rain. ;)

wencit
05-21-2012, 12:14 AM
That would really bother me, too. I totally understand how you feel. :hug:

MamaMolly
05-21-2012, 08:22 AM
Talking of invitations, there is this one friend I have who always responds with "if we don't have anything else come up we'll come to the party". And by anything else she means another birthday party/dinner invite. I can't get over her stupidity of actually saying it to me - she can very well say that she will let me know.

I think I know her. A mutual friend was having her DS2's second birthday party and one of the Evite responses was 'We'll definitely try to see if we can make it!'

How's that for a maybe?

sarahsthreads
05-21-2012, 09:58 AM
I suppose it's possible, but she uses Evite for pretty much every party she throws and I've never not gotten one. I could ask a mutual friend who was invited to check the "not yet responded" list, but honestly, if we're not on it, it will just make me feel worse to hear it.


Really, do have someone check. My circle of friends have had lots of problems with Evite in the past couple of years, with people randomly not getting the initial Evite email - and this is a circle of friends that have invited the same circle to everything for years and years and years through Evite. At this point we've all switched to paper invitations, Facebook invites or direct emails because Evite has been so utterly inconsistent. Seriously - same friend, same email address, same event, they get the email one year and then not the next. I feel like I have to follow up every Evite with a direct email asking if they got the Evite, so I may as well just directly email in the first place!

However. If you have an Evite account you can log into that first and see if you have any pending events. That might be easier than asking a mutual friend. ;)

(And if you were cut, well, that is hurtful. I hope it's just a lost Evite!)

Sarah :)

Twoboos
05-21-2012, 10:01 AM
I'd also say check Evite. I just found out DD1 was invited to a bday party in a few weeks with Evite, never saw it. I ran into the mom and she asked if I had gotten it.

I also know sometimes my email goes wonky and things just float off into the World Wide Web. I hate getting a Reply email, seeing may name is on it, never having seen the original one!

hellokitty
05-21-2012, 10:23 AM
That sucks. I would feel crummy about it too, but I agree with the others that evites are not always reliable. Our moms club has tried to send up evites before and there are always ppl who didn't get one, even though they were invited.

elbenn
05-21-2012, 10:25 AM
I also vote to check evite. I have had two parties that I've been invited to where the party giver sent out an email saying that it appeared that a lot of people didn't get the evite they sent. Both times I had not received the original evite. So I definitely think evite has some quirks.

janine
05-21-2012, 11:08 AM
Don't feel bad - this stuff bothers everyone. We send out Xmas cards and it's always fun not receiving one one year! A friend of mine showed off their photo on FB so I sent her a message asking her address so we could send one out. She didn't reply. I wrote again thinking maybe she didn't see the email (but was starting to see some red flags). She finally gave it and apologized. I sent the card out. Lo and behold, no card in return. UGH. So she's crossed off...anyway, not the same but just saying this 7th grade stuff never goes away..I believe it gets worse b/c it's is just done subtely.

I would do as others say and check the evite. If not, it's ok to invite her to an event to see what happens. Then if not, take the hint..even though it stings! Don't worry though, in your case I have a feeling it is just a misunderstanding.

mctlaw
05-21-2012, 11:10 AM
I'm sorry....I would really be bothered too. I know when I have used Evite it does have some quirks. I would be tempted to call up my friend and make conversation about the weekend of the party if I felt I could do it tactfully.

Green_Tea
05-21-2012, 11:41 AM
Thank you all for making me feel a little better. I woke up several times through the night thinking about it, and was in a pretty bad mood this morning because of it, but then I went for a long walk with another friend and am feeling a less upset.

I checked Evite and Punchbowl, and I don't have any pending invitations. If I bump into Sue I might ask about her weekend plans. Heck, I might just invite her to our cookout!

I hate how being an adult sometimes feels exactly like Middle School. *sigh*

niccig
05-21-2012, 12:13 PM
5 parents never get the invite to a class birthday party the other week. I found out about it the day of the party. Another mum checked the evite list and my email was on it, but I didn't get it. Same with 4 other parents. The mum hosting send out a personal email to the class list telling everyone to come, and that evite had screwed up.

hellokitty
05-21-2012, 12:24 PM
Thank you all for making me feel a little better. I woke up several times through the night thinking about it, and was in a pretty bad mood this morning because of it, but then I went for a long walk with another friend and am feeling a less upset.

I checked Evite and Punchbowl, and I don't have any pending invitations. If I bump into Sue I might ask about her weekend plans. Heck, I might just invite her to our cookout!

I hate how being an adult sometimes feels exactly like Middle School. *sigh*

Are you close to the other friend who was invited? If so, ask her if she can, "see" on the evite if your name is on there. There should be a list for everyone to see, of who was invited.

Green_Tea
05-21-2012, 12:34 PM
Are you close to the other friend who was invited? If so, ask her if she can, "see" on the evite if your name is on there. There should be a list for everyone to see, of who was invited.

Yeah, I could ask her. I just feel like it makes me look desperate. I also think that if we were on the list, I would have heard about it from other mutual friends and they'd be asking if we planned to attend.

hellokitty
05-21-2012, 12:52 PM
Yeah, I could ask her. I just feel like it makes me look desperate. I also think that if we were on the list, I would have heard about it from other mutual friends and they'd be asking if we planned to attend.

Yeah, I kwym. If you are close to your other friend and trust her (not to blurt it out to others about it), it would be worth a try. I don't use evites anymore, we had so many problems with this issue of some ppl never having gotten the invites at all. I hope it works out.

Philly Mom
05-21-2012, 12:57 PM
I will preface this by saying I am not sure I could do this... However, perhaps you should talk to Sue directly. You are hurt and deserve to be but if there is a misunderstanding, it would be better to know, and if it was deliberate on her part, you probably can't get anymore hurt, and can talk it out with her. This may sound cruel, but being direct with her, may also make her feel as badly as you do. I know if someone pointed out my bad behavior, I would feel awful. Finally, if I were you, I would feel so uncomfortable around her, and talking it through may be the only way to get passed that.

sophiesmom03
05-21-2012, 01:00 PM
I will preface this by saying I am not sure I could do this... However, perhaps you should talk to Sue directly. You are hurt and deserve to be but if there is a misunderstanding, it would be better to know, and if it was deliberate on her part, you probably can't get anymore hurt, and can talk it out with her. This may sound cruel, but being direct with her, may also make her feel as badly as you do. I know if someone pointed out my bad behavior, I would feel awful. Finally, if I were you, I would feel so uncomfortable around her, and talking it through may be the only way to get passed that.

I agree with this. If it were me I'd have an awfully hard time getting over it to be able to make small talk at the playground or do playdates with Sue's kids if this were eating at me. I'd have to know...and then make peace with it, one way or the other.

And of course, I too am hoping the evite got messed up. Can you login to evite to see if you have any upcoming events?

mommylamb
05-21-2012, 01:08 PM
:hug: If you lived near me, and if I were having a Memorial Day party, I'd invite you.

Green_Tea
05-21-2012, 01:10 PM
:hug: If you lived near me, and if I were having a Memorial Day party, I'd invite you.

Thank you, mommylamb. Right back atcha. :love-retry:

BabyBearsMom
05-21-2012, 01:11 PM
:hug: If you lived near me, and if I were having a Memorial Day party, I'd invite you.

Ditto GreenTea!

mommylamb
05-21-2012, 01:12 PM
Ditto GreenTea!

And BabyBearsMom would also be at my hypothetical Memorial Day party, so we could all hang.

Green_Tea
05-21-2012, 01:15 PM
Ditto GreenTea!


And BabyBearsMom would also be at my hypothetical Memorial Day party, so we could all hang.

That sounds lovely (and not just because it would mean that I'd get lots of baby time)! :wink2:

nfowife
05-21-2012, 02:08 PM
I think I would send Sue an email or ask her directly. I would just say, "Hey, are we okay, a friend mentioned you were having your BBQ again this year and we had a great time last year and I thought we were pretty close. What's up?"

Better than keeping the hurt bottled inside.

Corie
05-21-2012, 07:29 PM
I think I would send Sue an email or ask her directly. I would just say, "Hey, are we okay, a friend mentioned you were having your BBQ again this year and we had a great time last year and I thought we were pretty close. What's up?"

Better than keeping the hurt bottled inside.


Yes, I would do this too.

Roni
05-21-2012, 08:26 PM
That stinks, & I definitely don't blame you for being upset. It's happened to me before, too. I don't think I could confront Sue directly, either, but if you're brave you could do that. But, if you really are thinking of having a party, you should invite her or ask her if she has plans.

Green_Tea
05-21-2012, 08:51 PM
You guys have been wonderfully supportive and reading all your comments really has made me feel better, so thank you.

If I bump into Sue between now and Sunday, I will definitely say something along the lines of, "So, how did we manage to get ourselves cut from the famous Smith guest list? DH's website work not up to par?" (DH is working on her husband's business's website as I type this) with a big smile on my face. I don't want to make her feel awful, but I do want her to know that I know, and that I'm hurt. She and I have always had a very down to earth and honest relationship -seriously, in preschool when my DS was a biter he bit her kid repeatedly, and she never once made me feel bad OR stopped inviting my son to play. She's the real deal - which is probably why I am so flabbergasted.

I'm not going to call her or email her, though. I don't want to create drama. If I have the opportunity to bring it up, I will, but I'd prefer to do it casually and with good humor.

chinook
05-21-2012, 09:22 PM
I agree that evites may not be reliable. Having said that, my advice would be to not have others check into it, and to say nothing to her about it. Doesn't sound to me like you're close enough to bring it up without it potentially being awkward forever, so I'd drop it and play it cool. If it was an oversight she'll notice it or bring it up with you eventually, if not, well you really weren't invited. It hurts and it sucks but take the high road and let it go.

I hate stuff like this. Sorry it's happening to you. :(

SnuggleBuggles
05-21-2012, 09:36 PM
Someone mentioned Facebook invites- those are pretty bad too depending on how they set them up. On my FB app, I never even see event reminders so I could see totally missing something. Another place to check!