It sucks being a lawyer spouse sometimes!

[essnce629]

Twice I've bought a pass for a series of unlimited or 10 yoga classes for the studio within walking distance of my house. And both times the pass has expired before I could even go to one class since DBF never gets home early enough for me to go. Bye bye 10 classes that expire today! I haven't been able to take a yoga class in 6 years!

I calculated it out last week and I estimate that DBF spends 90-95 hours a week working! 80+ hours during the week and another 10+ hours on the weekend. He sees the kids for 30 minutes or less in the mornings on weekdays and spends a few hours during the day with us on weekdays. He usually works from home (in the garage) all morning and then after dinner till he goes to bed on the weekends. And all my family and friends are two hours away in San Diego. Sigh.........

[crl]

I hear you. Dh has billed 2200 to 2500 hours per year for the last five years. I hire babysitters to get my hair cut and so on. I trade babysitting in the neighborhood to clean my house and run errands that must be kid free (going to have to find someone to watch dd just so I can go to the tailors and get my new jeans hemmed).

Sucks. Seriously sucks.

Catherine

[niccig]

Not lawyer spouse but similar time away. Organize a babysitter or swap with another friend. Once I accepted that DH could never be there so I could go to something I wanted, I had a lot less resentment. DH doesn't control his hours, he's at the mercy of the client. Once DS was in preschool, then I organized things for those hours. It sucks to have to pay for a babysitter and there are some things I would love to do, but won't do as it's a lot once babysitting is added on.

I've just found it easier to not fight the situation as it won't change so I don't ever rely on DH to be home with DS. I prefer to make other plans and know I can go to what I want/need to go to.

ETA. Surely here in LA you know someone else whose spouse has similar awful schedule? We have several friends who work production and when the kids were little, we helped each other out a lot, had late afternoon/early dinner playdates etc Anyway, it made it a little easier to deal with as I knew I wasn't the only one without a family member to be on the relief team.

ETA. Sorry, this is the bitching post..bitch away. I get it.

[AnnieW625]

I had my yoga classes that expired 18 months ago that I had 10 left to use (off of a 20 pass) and they only gave me one weeks notice to use them. I was soo mad.

Hugs to you. Like the others have said I am sure you can find someone else who has a similar situation. :hug:

[MSWR0319]

I feel for ya. DH has been working so much I'm aout to lose my mind. I can't get anything done, let alone do anything for myself. DS keeps asking when daddy will be home. Sucks.

[waitingforgrace]

I'm sorry, this is why some days I wonder why I went to law school, not sure what I was thinking.

[g-mama]

I get it. It sucks.

[candaceb]

DH isn't a lawyer, but he's a workaholic. Even when he's here, he's not. DS walks around saying "daddy working" because that's what he hears all the time.

Just in the last 6 weeks, I have gotten much more aggressive about using sitters to help my sanity. He is out of town 3 days this week, and I had a sitter today from 3-5 (coincidentally my least favorite time of day...) just so I could go out and run some errands (including going to get a dress fitted) and have a little kid-free time. I am very fortunate to have 2 teenage sitters who I trust so I can get help pretty inexpensively as long as I work around their schedules.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

aw, that really stinks. that would frustrate me to no end.

my DH is not a lawyer, and usually doesn't even work all that much, but the summers are often crazy... and he often travels a ton for work and i just found out that he is likely to be gone every week the entire month of June and the first half of July (as in, he will only be home on weekends). I have no family in town to help, so yeah, it royally stinks. I agree with the idea of hiring a sitter.. that's what I did, otherwise I would go insane and as a SAHM i would never have time to do ANYTHING without the kids. Also i joined a mom's group, so i could get out of the house and socialize and that helped a ton..otherwise it would just be me + the kids all day, all week. Most of the moms in my moms group have husbands who travel a ton and/or work weekends so it's nice to have some commiseration too.

[lmh2402]

I feel for ya. DH has been working so much I'm aout to lose my mind. I can't get anything done, let alone do anything for myself. DS keeps asking when daddy will be home. Sucks.

:yeahthat: totally. i'm fully resigned to being on my own once new baby comes too. we'll have au pair to help with DS, but she will be off duty once he goes to bed and then i'll be alone. with non-sleeping infant. pulling my hair out.

:hug: to you. it really does suck so much. most especially for the kids. DS cries all the time for when daddy will be home.

[essnce629]

Thanks everyone for feeling my pain!

We do have a housekeeper that comes once a week and she babysits for us one night a month so DBF and I can go out for a date night. I do have her come once or twice a month during the day for 2 hours so I can go volunteer at DS1's school for lunch duty which is just one hour. The thing is we're supposed to volunteer 50 hours a year at DS1's school and if I have to have our housekeeper babysit each time it would end up costing at least $750 just for me to volunteer!!! Needless to say, the school year ends in two weeks and I only have 23 hours so far! So I only have her babysit when I absolutely have to do something that DS2 can't come to-- like when I was visiting certain preschools, volunteering at DS1's school, or had an eye doctor appointment. It just seems like too much money to have to pay her $30 just so I can go to a yoga class for 90 minutes! So I don't ever have her babysit so I can run errands or do something for myself.

And I am a member of my local MOMS Club and we meet once a week for playgroups, but there's no babysitting swaps. I once had to attend a preschool tour that was without kids and it was at the same time as our weekly playgroup so I emailed the group and asked if they could all watch DS2 at playgroup while I went to the preschool tour for an hour or so. No one responded to my email except for the mom hosting and she said she couldn't be in charge of watching my DS since she had her own two kids to watch! I did babysit one of the playgroup kids at my house a few months ago and her mom said she would babysit for me another time, but she just gave birth to baby #2 last month so I'm sure the last thing she wants to do is take care of a third kid!!!

I think it's just hard not having my mom around. We actually lived with her in San Diego from the time DS1 was 4 months old till he was three and she helped out a lot since DBF was living in LA finishing his undergrad degree at the time and was only with us on weekends. My mom would come home from work and I could go out and run some errands real quick while DS ate dinner. And I was able to work as a doula then since my mom could pick up DS from preschool and take care of him if I was away at a birth. Then we moved to VA for 3 years for DBF to go to law school and it was all me with no family and friends while DBF pretty much lived in the law library. And now he's been working as a lawyer for 3 years now and it's pretty much the same. All my best friends back in San Diego all have their mothers nearby to help out if needed.

DS2 starts preschool 3 days a week in July though so I'll finally have some time to do something for myself during those 4 1/2 hours a day. I just need to hang on till then!

[niccig]

DS2 starts preschool 3 days a week in July though so I'll finally have some time to do something for myself during those 4 1/2 hours a day. I just need to hang on till then!

Yes this. Hopefully that will give you some breathing space. Is there a yoga class that will fit in that time slot? Maybe a different studio.

I'm sorry you don't have a more helpful playgroup, I know that really saved me. I hear you on the cost of the babysitter, it's just too much sometimes and we need babysitting or after care for my classes now. Anything I want to do has to be during school hours as we now only use the babysitter for things we must do eg. go to a school event, me go to classes. Yoga isn't essential I suppose.

I don't think your DBF's schedule will change, so maybe set yourself up for success and only commit to things you know will be in preschool/school hours. It's been 10 years and I never know when DH will work in the door in the evenings, that's just part of his work life that I've had to accept, so I only schedule things in the evenings that DS can go with or I know it's something I'll get a babysitter for.

[crl]

Thank goodness I have super helpful neighbors here. I am sorry your playgroup isn't more helpful. I wonder if you offered to set up a more formal system for trading babysitting? I have had standing trades each school year we have lived here where I take someone's toddler for two hours and they take mine for two hours each week. And I have heard of coops where you use and bank credits. Or maybe you can find some new moms at preschool to trade with.

I am guessing your SO is working at big law given the hours. I'd be thinking about a set amount of money each month for babysitting even if it seems outrageous. I tell myself that's part of the cost of my dh having the high stress, long hours job, just like his dry cleaning bill is. So part of his relatively high salary has to go to my sanity. I've also developed a few babysitters and some at lower rates. Watching my two year old in my house isn't much of a challenge so I have a high school girl I hire when it is just dd for a short while and she is a much lower rate than the college age sitter I hire when it is both kids for a long stretch.

As far as yoga, can you join a gym with child care? Ds wouldn't stay at those, but dd will.

Anyway, I'm sorry to go on giving advice, I know this is the BP. I'm just so where you are and it is so hard.

Catherine

[arivecchi]

I feel your pain. DH is a partner at a law firm and between actual work and business development, he is pretty much constantly working. I used to be a law firm associate and I know it sucks way more for him, so I just hire all the help we can get. Him not seeing the kids as much is definitely the hardest part. Sorry about your classes. :hug:

[AnnieW625]

......And I am a member of my local MOMS Club and we meet once a week for playgroups, but there's no babysitting swaps. I once had to attend a preschool tour that was without kids and it was at the same time as our weekly playgroup so I emailed the group and asked if they could all watch DS2 at playgroup while I went to the preschool tour for an hour or so. No one responded to my email except for the mom hosting and she said she couldn't be in charge of watching my DS since she had her own two kids to watch! I did babysit one of the playgroup kids at my house a few months ago and her mom said she would babysit for me another time, but she just gave birth to baby #2 last month so I'm sure the last thing she wants to do is take care of a third kid!!!

people just don't get it here so I completely sympathize with you. We tried a baby sitting exchange in my mommy group when DD1 was about 2 and it was a massive flop. It must be all of the attachment parenting (not a jab or poke or anything at one who does it), but people here are afraid to be away from their kids and afraid to mess with the chi of things if they have another kid to watch as well. An extra kid at playgroup if a mom had to leave was nothing when I was growing up, my mom did it a lot. I am not afraid to leave my kids with friends, but maybe that is because they go to daycare or because I was always someone else's house when my mom had a drs. appointment or needed to go shopping without kids.

The one family that has taken DD1 home from school for playdates has 4 kids so apparently the parents aren't afraid of other kids, which is great, but this didn't start until kindergarten this year.

Again good luck.

[niccig]

people just don't get it here so I completely sympathize with you.

Annie it must be the group of people. I'm not that far from you or Latia and we did the babysitting swap when DS was younger. It wasn't anything formal with keeping track, you would call around and see who could do it and then take their child at another time. It was mostly before preschool age as once the kids went to preschool we used that time for our appointments and errands. Having an extra child to watch at playgroup so one mother could do an errand was not a big deal. There were 7 of us mothers, so enough to watch all the kids.

Now DH never liked it when we had extra kids over. I think because we don't get much family time as it is and other than a few kids we know really well, he's not comfortable with other people's kids. So I did most of the babysitting swaps during the week when he was working.

[essnce629]

Thanks for all the advice ladies!

On a high note-- DS1 got the highest award of "Male Swimmer of the Year" at his swim team party and award ceremony tonight!!! I was so proud of him! Unfortunately, DBF missed it as he was at work. He did come home earlier tonight though (9pm) since he felt bad and DS stayed up late and they just finished playing a game together.

[essnce629]

We tried a baby sitting exchange in my mommy group when DD1 was about 2 and it was a massive flop. It must be all of the attachment parenting (not a jab or poke or anything at one who does it), but people here are afraid to be away from their kids and afraid to mess with the chi of things if they have another kid to watch as well.

I think the moms are just way more high stress than me. Most of them are not AP at all-- more the opposite actually. They're all 10 years older than me and just seem more on edge!

[crl]

Thanks for all the advice ladies!

On a high note-- DS1 got the highest award of "Male Swimmer of the Year" at his swim team party and award ceremony tonight!!! I was so proud of him! Unfortunately, DBF missed it as he was at work. He did come home earlier tonight though (9pm) since he felt bad and DS stayed up late and they just finished playing a game together.

Congratulations to your ds!


I think the moms are just way more high stress than me. Most of them are not AP at all-- more the opposite actually. They're all 10 years older than me and just seem more on edge!

Hmm. Just a different crowd. I do find I am much more relaxed now that I am on my second kid, although I did trade babysitting with a mom down the street even then. Maybe the preschool moms will be amenable to trading.

Catherine