If grandparents are not interested...

[ha98ed14]

and there are no "surrogates," what do you tell DC?

[scrooks]

I would not say anything unless she is specifically asking. In that case i would probably focus on talking about all the people in her life that love her....friends and family that were involved and around and simpley steer away from discussing grandparents. Focus on positives, not negatives.

[ChunkyNicksChunkyMom]

I really hope you can sort out your feelings for your daughters sake. SIL and grandparents are not going to change but what would you ever gain by mentioning anything about that to your kid? I have Godparents, half brother and sisters and one Grandma who never acknowledge my kids. BUT I do have a next door neighbor whO adores them so we lay up the positive. Your reactions to SIL\grandparents are more likely to do your daughter damage than the fact they just are not going to be there. You are besting your head against a brick wall here,

[ha98ed14]

I really hope you can sort out your feelings for your daughters sake. SIL and grandparents are not going to change but what would you ever gain by mentioning anything about that to your kid? I have Godparents, half brother and sisters and one Grandma who never acknowledge my kids. BUT I do have a next door neighbor whO adores them so we lay up the positive. Your reactions to SIL\grandparents are more likely to do your daughter damage than the fact they just are not going to be there. You are besting your head against a brick wall here,

I know. This time I'm actually not just stewing. I'm trying to come up with an answer for her question as to why MIL is not going to be at her 5th bday party tomorrow but was at her cousin's party two weekends ago (SIL's youngest DD who also turned 5; girls are a month apart.) I was hoping to come up with something better than, "MIL loves her more."

[TwinFoxes]

I know. This time I'm actually not just stewing. I'm trying to come up with an answer for her question as to why MIL is not going to be at her 5th bday party tomorrow but was at her cousin's party two weekends ago (SIL's youngest DD who also turned 5; girls are a month apart.) I was hoping to come up with something better than, "MIL loves her more."

What's grandma's reason? Is it that the Bishop is visiting? If that's it, that's what I would tell DD, even if you suspect it's BS.

[Green_Tea]

I would just tell her the truth. If there's no real reason, I'd say, "I don't know why she can't make it, but we're going to have fun no matter what!" and move on.

[crl]

We do not have this situation exactly, but one set of grandparents changes plans all the time at the last minute. Ds has a very hard time with changes like that and will ask me why. I have started telling him the truth, "I don't know" and suggesting that he ask them. He usually doesn't, but I figure it is up to them to navigate their relationship and it is best if I stay out of it as much as possible. I also honestly think it may have more impact coming from him as I am not MILs favorite person.

Maybe you could take a similar tactic. "I don't know why grandma isn't coming to your birthday. Would you like to call her and ask her?"

Catherine

[ha98ed14]

What's grandma's reason? Is it that the Bishop is visiting? If that's it, that's what I would tell DD, even if you suspect it's BS.

No. They go to a different church closer to their house; same religion though. FWIW, I never sent the email.

[Puddy73]

I would just tell her the truth. If there's no real reason, I'd say, "I don't know why she can't make it, but we're going to have fun no matter what!" and move on.

:yeahthat: If they ask direct questions, I would be vague but not untruthful and change the subject. You can't control other people, only your own reaction to them. Your girls will probably pick up on your tension more than the absence of ILs.

[khm]

"I don't know" is a complete answer, and true.

You don't know why, and you cannot change any other person. Accept that, really accept it, and your life will really be a lot easier. These people are never going to be who you want them to be.

Be excited for the party, don't wear your anger/hurt on your sleeve. :)

[ha98ed14]

Maybe you could take a similar tactic. "I don't know why grandma isn't coming to your birthday. Would you like to call her and ask her?"


I tried that the last time DD asked me why MIL always goes to CousinX's house and not hers. This was on a day that she was "coming," but something urgent with SIL came up. I got pissed off and told DD I didn't know why but that she should ask her the next time she saw her. DD started crying and said "No...Wahhhh" Her personality is very much a people pleaser and wanting to be affirmed, so she doesn't cross adults (except for me, of course.) Taking her age and and personality into account, I think it would be cruel of me to saddle her with that "charge" again.

[hellokitty]

I would not try to say anything bad. I would say, "IDK" like another pp suggested. Why? I would not want to be accused by the crappy grandparents of, "poisoning" my child against them, kwim? I would tell her that next time she sees her grandparents, maybe she should ask them directly. It will make your in laws responsible for breaking the heart of their granddaughter (or hopefully it's a wake up call for them, but it may not... my dad doesn't really care, no matter what I say, I know that as my kids get older, they will realize on their own that it's him, and not them, I do not make excuse for him and this infuriates my mom, since she knows it makes my dad look bad, even though it's his own choice, not mine.), while leaving you out of the bed that they made.

[TwinFoxes]

No. They go to a different church closer to their house; same religion though. FWIW, I never sent the email.

Well in that case...


I would just tell her the truth. If there's no real reason, I'd say, "I don't know why she can't make it, but we're going to have fun no matter what!" and move on.

:yeahthat: I agree, putting a just (literally) turned 5 year old in the position of asking "why aren't you coming to my party" might not be a good idea.

[roseyloxs]

I would honestly answer, 'I don't know'. Then I would ask her how it makes her feel and I would stay with her and soothe her with no other words (if she would let me). Just let her feel the emotions and process them herself. You can't protect her from them. Its best if you just remain an innocent bystander and continue to be honest with your dd so she knows she can trust you.

I would then write a long and nasty email to grandma.. then delete it before it was sent. Then I might write a few more that I never intend on sending. :hug: I hope dd's birthday is a blast no matter who shows up!

[kijip]

:yeahthat: If they ask direct questions, I would be vague but not untruthful and change the subject. You can't control other people, only your own reaction to them. Your girl will probably pick up on your tension more than the absence of ILs.

I agree.

I have a relative who has always preferred my cousins and brothers to me. It does not feel great but most of the time it is not a big deal. Is your SIL coming to the party?

[marymoo86]

I'm so sorry for you and your DD. My MIL definitely prefers my SILs kids to her own son's child. She's only been up here 3 times in 18m and we live in state!

It's a bit easier since we are not close but it bothers me that she is fine with a skype relationship rather than an in person one.

[nfowife]

I can't remember, but has your husband ever talked with his mom about the preferential treatment of the other grandchildren? Just curious.

[DietCokeLover]

We have similar issues with DH's father and step monster. My dc have never been to their home and they live 1/2 mile from us.

When dc ask questions, I answer in this fashion.... I don't know why Papa didn't come. Don't we feel sad for Papa that he missed out on all the fun?

I find that this keeps a compassionate heart with my dc toward their grandfather.

[mikala]

When dc ask questions, I answer in this fashion.... I don't know why Papa didn't come. Don't we feel sad for Papa that he missed out on all the fun?

I find that this keeps a compassionate heart with my dc toward their grandfather.

I really like this. At this age I'd stay short, sweet, and neutral and then focus on all the other amazing and reliable people in your lives.

[ha98ed14]

I really like this. At this age I'd stay short, sweet, and neutral and then focus on all the other amazing and reliable people in your lives.

Honestly though I feel like those people are few and far between. My mom lives on the east coast and I'm in SoCal. She's got her own issues that make her unavailable, but she and my sister are very close, so she spends a lot of time with my nephew. DD has a godmother, but she doesn't take much interest in DD except taking her up to the priest for communion. (How it's done in our religion.)

The only person who remembers DD is BFF. She sends bday cards and talks to DD on Skype. She's closer to DD than any of our family members even though she lives in NYC.

It makes me sad that neither my mom nor MIL wants to be a part of my baby's life like they do their other grandkids. Tickets went on sale to DD's dance recital. You were limited to 8 the first day so everyone has a chance to get some. All the moms in line with me were moaning and groaning about how bad it was that their other relatives (#s 9+) wouldn't get such good seats. guess how many tickets I was buying? And not because we didn't invite MIL and her godmother who are local.

[wellyes]

This is such an ongoing issue for you. I would stop mentioning her to your daughter in connection with any expectation of a visit. If she shows up at an event, great, but I wouldn't even mention that she's on the invite list for ANYTHING to your daughter. Even dinner at your house.

I'm not saying never mention grandma again, just don't put any expectations around her in your daughter's head if it can be at all avoided.

[mikala]

The only person who remembers DD is BFF. She sends bday cards and talks to DD on Skype. She's closer to DD than any of our family members even though she lives in NYC.
...
Tickets went on sale to DD's dance recital. You were limited to 8 the first day so everyone has a chance to get some. All the moms in line with me were moaning and groaning about how bad it was that their other relatives (#s 9+) wouldn't get such good seats. guess how many tickets I was buying? And not because we didn't invite MIL and her godmother who are local.

It's easier said than done but I'd try to focus your emotional energy on your relationships with your BFF and cultivating new friendships and positive adult influences in your community. We don't get to choose our relatives but we do get to choose our friends.

Re: the dance recital tickets, this seems to all be related to geography and luck of the draw. In occupations and areas where people move a lot it isn't uncommon to live far away from relatives. We are fortunate to have several wonderful people in our lives but many are not local or aren't available to come to another child's dance recital because they are busy with their own family obligations. I can guarantee we wouldn't use up 8 tickets and it isn't for lack of love and it isn't anything to feel bad about.

[niccig]

guess how many tickets I was buying? And not because we didn't invite MIL and her godmother who are local.

I'm the same, we only need tickets for us. We do have good local friends but they often have their own kids' events. All I can say is try to cultivate more local relationships and I know that takes time. We have a work friend of DH's who is now retired. He's way too young to be DH's grandparent, but he's on the list for any event that requires a grandparent like person. We were at a BBQ and DS ran up to him and gave him a hug as soon as we got there. Our friend later told DH that the hug made his day.

[flashy09]

Will she actually ask for her Grandmother? Maybe if you don't bring it up at all she won't think about it. If she does, I would just say something briefly like "I think she is busy, but she wishes you happy birthday" and quickly change the subject. Once her party starts I bet she won't be thinking about it. I would not have your DD ask your MIL why. That just makes it a bigger issue to your daughter and will probably hurt her feelings to hear her grandmother say no to her face.