How do I do this?

[HIU8]

How do you gauge when to get out of your marriage when your spouse is causing emotional harm to your SN child? I have to put my feelings for my DH aside and think about my DS. I'm at the point where I believe I need to end my marriage or my DS's life/well being will suffer greatly. I don't know where to start, where to go, who to talk to (counselor, lawyer). I don't currently have a job and that scares me to death. I will not be able to afford the services my DS currently gets without money from my DH. However, I no longer want him near DS (or DD for that matter). I've simply had it. I'm miserable. DS is hurt (emotionally). DD sees it all from the sidelines and I know if affects her to.

My DH has a host of problems himself that he is not willing to get help for. I have come to believe that DH enjoys telling others he has children, but isn't really into raising them unless they are robots who do exactly what he says exactly when and how he says it. He is very angry that DS isn't perfect. He gets mad about DS's anxiety. He gets mad that DS has sensory issues. He is angry that DS has social issues. He wants him to get help (OT, social skills, speech therapy, academic tutoring--all of which DS currently gets), however, he wants a magic bullet and for all these things to CURE DS RIGHT NOW.

I feel like a referee. My job is to protect DS. I could care less about DH right now. I have not spoken to him in several hours and debating whether I kick him out tonight or not. I obviously need help.

[hillview]

I'd personally start with a therapist. Sending you hugs I know it has been rough from your posts. I think it is good that you are thinking of options. :grouphug:

[Philly Mom]

If you are serious about wanting to separate, you probably need to find a good lawyer because from what you describe it sounds like he will. If you don't have your own income, I would be concerned to kick him out without knowing what your rights are to his income. If you are thinking that you want to find a way to make it work, then I would definitely find a therapist first. Sorry that you are going through this and that it is so difficult.

[inmypjs]

I'm really sorry. What a hard place. If you are not sure what you want to do, I'd start with a therapist too. If you are pretty sure, I'd look for a lawyer. If there are any resources like a law school legal clinic or lawyers who provide free initial consultations, you could try to get some information that way too, in case there are any initial steps you could start taking. Again I am really sorry about what's going on for you.

[crl]

No advice, just wanted to say I am sorry.

Catherine

[WatchingThemGrow]

There has to be some kind of support network for parents of atypically developing kids. I know it is a really hard pill to swallow, but it's not like your sweet DS is the first kid who has SN or your DH is the first dad who was angry about those SN and didn't know how to handle them. He needs to be taught - but not likely by you...

[trcy]

No advice, just wanted to say I am sorry.

Catherine :yeahthat: Good luck :grouphug:

[elliput]

:hug::hug::hug: I agree with the others who have suggested a therapist for yourself and to start looking for legal resources. Tempting as it may be, rushing into a separation might not be the best option- you need to lay out some ground work first.

As an aside to this issue- has your DH taken your DS to his therapies and actually watched what goes on? From other things you have posted, I'm going to guess that he has not, and that he has not done any reading/research of his own with regards to your DS's SN. It sounds like your DH really does not understand what is going on with your DS and has left "all of this stuff" for you to deal with as he is too busy to participate in this aspect of your child's life. He needs to realize that as this boy's father, he has to participate in all aspects- he just can't be the "good-time" dad. He needs to be there for the highs and the lows and accept them.

Keep in mind if, and when, you do separate, your DH will probably get some sort of joint custody. Do you think he will be able to appropriately handle all situations which may arise with your children by himself? Do you think your children will be completely safe?

I'm definitely not advocating that you stay in a marriage which is not beneficial to all parties, but I do want you to be prepared to make some very difficult decisions about the future.

[MamaKath]

:hug::hug::hug: I agree with the others who have suggested a therapist for yourself and to start looking for legal resources. Tempting as it may be, rushing into a separation might not be the best option- you need to lay out some ground work first.

As an aside to this issue- has your DH taken your DS to his therapies and actually watched what goes on? From other things you have posted, I'm going to guess that he has not, and that he has not done any reading/research of his own with regards to your DS's SN. It sounds like your DH really does not understand what is going on with your DS and has left "all of this stuff" for you to deal with as he is too busy to participate in this aspect of your child's life. He needs to realize that as this boy's father, he has to participate in all aspects- he just can't be the "good-time" dad. He needs to be there for the highs and the lows and accept them.

Keep in mind if, and when, you do separate, your DH will probably get some sort of joint custody. Do you think he will be able to appropriately handle all situations which may arise with your children by himself? Do you think your children will be completely safe?

I'm definitely not advocating that you stay in a marriage which is not beneficial to all parties, but I do want you to be prepared to make some very difficult decisions about the future.
:yeahthat:
Couldn't read this and not comment. It is really hard to feel out what is best when you have to balance so much on your shoulders. Speak to a counselor and a lawyer, and document everything you can in case you do end up splitting. I have been there (still am some days, though things are much better than they were at some points) and had many things that played into me being here still. PM if you need to talk! :hug:

[HIU8]

Thanks. We have talked extensively since I wrote the post. We are working on things for now. I don't know if this is a long term solution for me at this point. I'm willing to give it a shot and I'm broaching the talk with a counselor thing to DH. It's honestly mostly DH who starts things that set DS off and he knows it, but for some reason can't/won't stop.

[Giantbear]

Thanks. We have talked extensively since I wrote the post. We are working on things for now. I don't know if this is a long term solution for me at this point. I'm willing to give it a shot and I'm broaching the talk with a counselor thing to DH. It's honestly mostly DH who starts things that set DS off and he knows it, but for some reason can't/won't stop.I know you feel good right now, and are hoping for the best, but you must play both sides to protect your family. What i mean by that is, start a journal documenting each day, regardless of whether it is a good day or a bad day. Talk to an attorney this week. Find out what you need to put in the journal should things fall apart and what are realistic expectations should you want to separate. I think you should also find a therapist to help you sort through the emotions and feelings you are having.

Unfortunately, i speak from experience. I also need to follow my own advice.

[niccig]

Thanks. We have talked extensively since I wrote the post. We are working on things for now. I don't know if this is a long term solution for me at this point. I'm willing to give it a shot and I'm broaching the talk with a counselor thing to DH. It's honestly mostly DH who starts things that set DS off and he knows it, but for some reason can't/won't stop.

I know you've considered this, your family is under a lot of stress right now. No excuse for DH to do something that sets DS off, but so much has happened since January. Just keep that in mind as you go forward. I'm not discounting what others said about being prepared, but also to have some perspective about what a $hitty year 2012 has been so far and to not rush into decisions.