Moms of 3+ DC (esp those w/little or no help): advice needed

[Minnifer]

Is it doable? Esp. as the kids get older and have more of their own stuff to do? And have "big kid" needs (whatever those may be)?

Backstory: DS turned 1 today. I just don't feel "done" having kids or like my family is complete. How much of that is influenced by my horrible infertility experiences, or by the fact that I'm single and have already had to give up so much of The Dream by not finding the right guy and having to have children on my own, or by the fact that my own family is super small, I don't know. There are probably a million reasons not to have another, for ex, I usually feel like I have my hands full with 2 (in particular b/c of DD, who was a terrible "Threenager" and is now about as "FU Four" as you can get, lol), but wonder how much of that is their ages; I am single, I am an older mom (had DS at 44), I have to WOH and that will likely always have to be F/T (not many p/t positions for lawyers IME). I keep trying to convince myself that I need to be done, but I can't seem to get there. I keep having visions of a more full house (I originally always wanted 4) and I love the idea of my kids having a big(ger) family and siblings and a self-contained little family unit, especially b/c I'm older. And I have a bad track record with making decisions that have been technically and logically the "right" thing to do, but were not the right "heart" decision and where I've wound up really regretting the decision. (In terms of getting pg again, I have 4 likely very viable embryos left from my donor egg cycle for DS so although there are of course no guarantees, that part should hopefully not be an issue.)

I just want to get a sense of how much harder/easier/different it is with more than 2 kids, and also how it changes and what it's like as the kids get older (I've often heard "little kids, little problems; big kids, big problems"). The early years are super tough in many ways of course but at least with that I'm mostly dealing with the known - what I don't have a really good sense of is life into school age and beyond. I know everyone's experiences are different but I find it really helpful to hear the full range of stories - interested in hearing any thoughts, experiences, etc., esp from moms of 3+, those with little or no help including from their DHs, and those of older kids. TIA!

[mom3boys]

I have 3, but I have lots of help, from my DH and from my childcare provider (I WOH 4 days a week, DH WOH FT).

My youngest 2 are the same ages as yours--almost 4 and almost 1, and I have a 5.75 year old. I must say I am starting to find some things MORE difficult, not less. A lot of it has to do with managing the kid activities. At least when they were all little, they could stay home while I went to work--go to the park or something within walking distance, that's it. My nanny doesn't drive and one that does would resolve some of the issues, but now that my oldest 2 are into activities, managing schedules is challenging. When my nanny was on jury duty recently, I used a back up care center for DS3. But I could only keep him there until 3 pm (which meant working from home) bc older DC were at school and needed to be picked up. Several times I have had to attend a preschool or K function in the middle of the day. DS3 is dragged to older DC activities (this probably happens with your DS), misses naps because of it. I have had 2 kids invited to different Bday parties on the same day, DH and I split up to get to them both. DS3 doesn't have any activities yet, but, he will, and I can just imagine my schedule when kids have events/classes on the same day. At least DS1 and 2 are close in age so can attend some things together. That will not be the case with DS3. (Oh, and it is harder to find babysitters, too! and I'm spending all my money on childcare!)

My SIL has 3 older kids (middle/h.s.)--it seems she and my BIL spend their entire weekends at kids' sporting events. This sometimes means traveling several hours for tournaments, etc.

I am not trying to talk you out of it but I am someone who never thought she would be a SAHM and I really consider it sometimes, now that I have 3. Not because it would be easier for me or my sanity but because I could get everyone everywhere, do things like start dinner before 6:30 pm, not fret about missing work to attend kid-events, etc. I notice I am much better as a mom when I resign myself to days where I am going to do NOTHING but watch the kids (vs. hoping I get some time to do work, which almost never happens)

Also, props to you for having #2 at 44--DS3 was born when DH was 43 (and I was 36). However, I do know DH worries about his age with the kids. When DH turns 60, he will have 2 kids in college and one in H.S. He knows he may not be around when grandkids are born. Of course one can never know their own longevity, just something to consider.

Suffice to say, I find it difficult and I am not a single mom. I totally understand your feeling of wanting one more, and I know I will be happy to have all 3, and they will be happy to have each other, when they are all adults and I have plenty of kids and hopefully DILs to come visit. But it is a long road to that time. (And when I see all 3 playing together now, I am happy to have all 3, just tired!)

[infocrazy]

DH is very helpful around the house, but we are off-shift, so I feel like I am single mom through the week since I deal with all the homework/bedtime/activities. We both work FT and are weeks away from our LAST baby. This will give us boys that are: 7, 5, and newborn; and a 2 yo DD.

For the most part, going from 2 to 3 was really easy for us, but DD is still young. I agree with PP though, I think the activities are going to be the hard part and they are just getting into the mix for us.

Right now, it is very busy and I only have 2 in activities. We have been able to let them choose multiple activities, but I am VERY selective. For example, DS1 will be playing in a hockey league next year. We will likely choose the one that has a set schedule at a single rink, vs the one where more of his friends play (it's MI, everyone plays and we have 5 local rinks to choose programs from!) because I can't easily plan around a rotating schedule...and I will be bringing 3 younger siblings... DD is practically a professional cheerleader!!!! We have soccer, Tball, football, and Cub Scouts in the mix right now.

I try to drive to EVERYTHING that works for me and offer to take kids with me, because I love carpools and will need them to get places!!!! I have found that a lot of DS1's friends' parents are super helpful, but I hate to ask so this at least helps me reciprocate. DH and I do have to split up for some of the activities on the weekend.

At least at DS1 and 2's schools so far, EVERYTHING is right in the middle of the day. DS1 had an event at school today from 9:15 to 9:40, his class party is from 10:30 to 1, the parent appreciation party (which I skipped) was at 2:45 yesterday. ANNOYING.

I know at some point, I will need to pick and choose what I can do, but right now, I am still trying to do it all. I have found, that many times, communication is very key. I talk to the teachers at the beginning of the year to get all the dates of special events, sometimes ask if DS1 can be toward the beginning of the event vs the end. When I am going to be off a day, I ask for her to schedule THAT day is my classroom helper day, etc... Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, but it never hurts to ask.

I will also say that I have a VERY flexible schedule for the most part. I make sure I don't abuse it and often work extra from my laptop to compensate.

Honestly, a lot of my issues so far are working parent vs non. Having so many kids isn't easy, but I feel like it is worth it. Personally, I would have difficultly not using the embryos I think, although my disclaimer is we haven't been through IF and I say that as not a true single mom.

Good luck in your decision! I know it isn't easy either way.

[brittone2]

I would agree that activities can be tough. DH is a big help, has a job with comp time he can take if necessary, etc. but he travels at times, and then it can be chaotic trying to figure out how to get DD to dance, DS1 to baseball, and DS2 isn't even attending extracurriculars yet...and he has to be corralled and everything when I schlep the kids by myself (he won't just hang out for an hour at dance class or 2 hours at baseball. I end up taking him to the car and hanging out with him there and then going back in to dance to change DD into her tap shoes for the last 15 min for example). We HS so we don't deal with school activities but that would involve more intense juggling.
0-1 wasn't so bad with DS2, but toddlerhood has been a challenge ;) He's just over 2 and into everything. Unlike when it was just DS1 or even just the two older kids, it is hard to effectively babyproof. The big kids have markers out, etc and so DS2 has more access to things to get into trouble with.
I also noticed that with three kids, it seems to take forever for an illness to run its course...if they pass it around it seems like a month til everyone is healthy again, which can be a PITB at times.

[american_mama]

It sounds like you really want three kids, and you don't mention your energy level or finances as being obstacles. It sounds like you're worried about the time factor and maybe this idea that society says you shouldn't (not sure why you feel that way) or that you're asking for too much. You're not.

I was 37 when my third was born, so that's a pretty different place from where you are. But I can say that my third is by far our easiest child, mostly due to personality and a little due to more experienced parenting on our part. My kids were 6 and 3 when DS was born, and they were very excited about having another child in the family, and continued to be excited through his baby years. Now they are typical siblings: sometimes they play great and sometimes fight.

DS is now 4 and I am just now noticing some of the greater expenses of three chidlren: three college tuitions to save for, an awkward five people to put in hotel rooms on vacation (hotels usually want only 4 to a room, so that's good for you), airfare/entertainment/food on vacation is noticeably more expensvie. We go out to eat a lot less now because restaurants for a family of five are expensive. I buy a lot of consignment clothes, but that starts to diminish as they get older, especially for boys who are tough on their clothes. He's getting older and starting to do some activities (swim lessons, gymnastics) that cost money. If you are paying for day care, then the cost of a third child will probably be immediately apparent.

In terms of time, again I am just now getting a sense of the greater time pressure of three older children: coordinating schedules, keeping some entertained while the other or others are in an activity. The older they get, the more bored they are by their siblings activities, but also the more able they are to bring a book, play within sight distance rather than be within arms reach, be home independently and the more they realize that every child gets their chance for an activity and the siblings wait. We just went through this with swim lessons and it was a little tricky and took more coordinating with DH than I had previously had to do, but it did work out. I think that's what it will be like with three school-aged kids.

For you, you may have to hire a student to sometimes be your driver/supervisor to get kids where they need to be; I've seen that a lot with kids at gymnastics. You can also more actively solicit or organize car pools; I did that a little with Girl Scouts this year. And sometimes you may have to skip events, but I don't think it is a disaster for a child to realize that some of their events gets priority, but not all.

Also, someone here on BBB once said she'd always wanted four kids, but realized she could not do that without hiring help. I believe her DH was very busy at work, and they both accepted that, which meant hiring help. I thought that was a brilliant recognition of how to have what you want without trying to do it all yourself. Of course, it takes financial sacrifice to do that and it may mean putting your money into having three children and a manageable daily life, but limiting other parts of your future (vehicles, vacations, school or college choices). Always tradeoffs. I do know some acquaintances who are lovely people and have a very nice material life, perhaps in part because they have only one child. When I get jealous of their material life - and I am sorry to say I do - I remind myself that the tradeoff of one child is not one I would be willing to make.

[anonomom]

I'm going to be brutally honest -- 3 kids is kicking my rear end. I found the transition from 1 to 2 challenging, but 2 to 3 is overwhelming, and that's with DS still an infant and basically just along for the ride. I love DS with all of my heart and could never be sorry he exists, but at the same time, I would not recommend a third child to anyone who's not 100% absolutely sure that's what they want.

For me, the problem is that with three kids someone always needs something, from sunup to sundown, and usually at night, too. There are no breaks, except for moments stolen while the baby is nursing and/or the other kids are distracted. I'd say 95% of the time, I feel like I am on the razor's edge, just barely avoiding tipping over into complete chaos. And I'm a SAHM with a reasonably supportive husband. I can't even fathom being the only parent.

[Simon]

Well, I've only had 3 kids for a few months, but I am so happy we had a third. It was an emotional decision vs. logical, as you describe, and it has caused at times some hardship w/jobs, for ex.. However, I feel much more content/fulfilled with my three boys whereas I always felt like I was looking for the "next" when I just had 1-2 Dc.

I could honestly stop now and feel no regrets about family size for the rest of my life. I am not, however, ruling out having 1 more. I think we couldn't handle 4 right now, but maybe in 3-4 years. Maybe.

We don't do activities yet, though I am not against it so that isn't/hasn't been a problem. Our plan is for the kids to do activities through school as much as possible so it simply delays/changes pick-up time and the school takes care of schedules, transpo. to games, etc.

I don't have a lot of help outside of Dh, although we are moving to day care soon. No family help. I have not found it terribly difficult, yet. Because Ds1 is already 6 yo, he can more than understand being patient and can do things for himself (get drinks, snacks, entertain siblings, etc). His problems are changing, friendship, bullying, etc. but these are things that we talk about during quiet times together not the immediate needs of a diaper change. Bed time has become very important for laying down with him as he reveals a lot of what is bothering him then, like bad things that happened at school or trouble with friends.

In terms of my sanity, the biggest difference maker is having some weekday, day care hours where I can run errands. Having even 45 mins-1 hour to do groceries, stop at the library, or drop-off/pick-up things at a store without having to load/un-load all the kids is a BIG DEAL. If your job has flexibility (enough sick days to cover 3 kids and their Dr. appts, etc) and you have the energy or ability to hire/pay for the help you need. Then I would consider going for it.

[scrooks]

I am bumping this because I am curious about the responses...we are currently trying for a third...

[swissair81]

At the beginning of August, I will have all 4 kids home and I will be 36 weeks pregnant. If I survive the summer, I will let you know.

[shishamo]

My three kids are in 6th grade(middle school), 4th grade and 1st grade.
I do think it was a bit overwhelming to go from 2 to 3, but really, I think you just step up to it. It's more crazy and I do find myself losing it (especially at the end of the day), but I am super glad that we have three.

That said, I do find that driving to activities overwhelmingly crazy as they get older. In fact, I'm actually selling my house and moving closer in to town (right now I have a few acres right outside town), and even though it's just 15 minutes drive to every activities, it just adds up. This is not something I thought about when we bought the house 7 years ago (my kids were 5,3, and 1 at that time). We have multiple reasons we are selling the house but it's one of the biggie.

Do I spend every weekend on sports activities? I'd say we have something every other weekend.

From your post, it does sound like you'd like a third. I think you'll do great.