How to talk to elementary school kids about abuse and dangers?

[citymama]

I've been one of those ostriches with my head in the sand, never really talking to my kids about stranger danger type issues. I just read the NYT Horace Mann child abuse story (see http://www.nytimes.com/2012/06/10/magazine/the-horace-mann-schools-secret-history-of-sexual-abuse.html?_r=1&pagewanted=all if you missed it) and my head is reeling and stomach sick. I know the story is about older kids and another era. But the existence of abuse is not limited to either scenario.

Realizing now that summer camp is about to start, which includes swimming days, field trips and unknown (to us or DD) counselors, male and female, I feel I need to talk to my 6 year old about her own safety. How does one do this without freaking them out? Give them just enough information for what to watch out for, and make sure they will talk to us if something ever happened? In addition to giving them information, what's the best way to protect our kids?

Two pieces of advice I recall from our pediatrician is:
a) Kids need to be told directly that no one should ever touch their private parts except themselves. Exceptions are parents and doctor in the presence of their parents. She told this to my DD at her 6 yr check up.
b) Talk to kids about stranger danger as part of a conversation about safety more generally - road safety, bike safety, etc.

It skeeves me out to even have to contemplate talking about it, much less the potential of it ever happening. But I feel I would be remiss in burying my head in the sand and pretending the world is filled with rainbows and unicorns. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.

[citymama]

I just wanted to add something for those of you with older kids. Honesty, directness and personal stories can help. One thing that I will never forget as long as I live is how my mother talked to me about abuse. When I was around 11 she told me about what to watch out for and how it was not acceptable for anyone to try and touch me or ask me to do anything to them. How I should tell her if that ever happens or I'm ever scared it might. And then she proceeded to tell me her personal story of being a 15 year old, and an uncle who would ask her to sit on his lap and would grope her. How she was so shocked but didn't tell anyone. How she wishes she had screamed and had told her mom the very first time so it would never happen again. Some things stuck out for me - one, that she described what abuse could look like and how an adult might go about it (asking her to greet him and sit on his lap), two, that it could be someone you know and are supposed to trust, and three, that one could be afraid to tell an adult but one really should.

It was a great way to talk to me about it at 11 - especially the personal story and making it real. Not something I can do with my 6 year old, but I wanted to share in case it helped someone with an older kid. Thanks.

[niccig]

Two pieces of advice I recall from our pediatrician is:
a) Kids need to be told directly that no one should ever touch their private parts except themselves. Exceptions are parents and doctor in the presence of their parents. She told this to my DD at her 6 yr check up.
b) Talk to kids about stranger danger as part of a conversation about safety more generally - road safety, bike safety, etc.


We've done this with DS. There's several books as well that you can read. I know some have been posted in past threads.

With regard to no one can ever touch their privates, I stress that no one includes other family members, other kids as well as adults. There's been cases where a child is touching another child. I told DS that at his age (7.5) no one, not even me or DH really needs to touch his private areas unless he's hurt there. And if we do, we need to ask permission first. He doesn't need help with the bathroom or washing. I also make sure to say he can't touch someone else even if someone tells him too - that's part of molestation, they get the child to touch the molester, as well as touch the child. So wanted DS to know that both are not allowed and he needs to tell someone.

With regard to summer camps, DS goes swimming and group of boys changing at same time, there is a counsellor supervising just outside the door, to make sure they get changed and not goofing off, but they're not in the room with the boys. So we'll discuss getting changed, can he do it own his own, not touching anyone, not letting anyone touch you, make sure you put everything in you swim bag - basically discuss what he'll have to do and throw in the "oh and remember no one is to touch your privates and you're not to touch anyone's. And you're to tell me if someone tried that".

We've also discussed things like do you tell someone your name and phone number and address. He says "yes." So we then discuss who is the person asking and it's not always a yes. A teacher at school, OK, person we don't know, not OK.

For us, it's a topic that will come up in many different ways, at many different times, in addition to reading books on it occasionally.

[maestramommy]

A couple of days ago I borrowed this book from the library, and read it with Dora at bedtime. http://www.amazon.com/The-Right-Touch-Read-Aloud-Collection/dp/0935699104

Dora asked a few questions, like why did the neighbor do what he did to the little girl? I said some grownups are mixed up in their heads and don't know any better. And that was the extent of our conversation. Maybe she will ask more questions later.

We have had a few convos with Dora and Arwyn about their bodies being private, and not letting other people touch those areas except for us and the doctor if there is a good reason. But it's not a constant thing. I don't want to terrify them and make them paranoid, or give them more info than they can understand and process.

[wolverine2]

It's been recommended here before, but if you really want to think in depth about this stuff, read Protecting the Gift, by Gavin DeBecker. http://www.amazon.com/Protecting-Gift-Keeping-Children-Teenagers/dp/0440509009

[niccig]

It's been recommended here before, but if you really want to think in depth about this stuff, read Protecting the Gift, by Gavin DeBecker. http://www.amazon.com/Protecting-Gift-Keeping-Children-Teenagers/dp/0440509009

:yeahthat: I got it and then couldn't read it for a long time, I didn't want to read about it. But it did validate my spidery sense. A few years ago we had a lemonade stand, DS was 3 and dressed in his pilot dress up clothes. An elderly man stopped his car, asked for lemonade and a photo of DS as he was so cute. I sent DS into the house and told the man he could have the lemonade but as I didn't know him, no photo. But, I felt guilty saying No. WTF! Creepy guy I don't know wants a photo of my child, and I feel bad for declining!

After reading Protecting the Gift, I would not feel guilty for declining, more mama bear confident. I didn't find the book to scare you, but to tell you to be aware and trust your own instincts. I want to teach DS to trust his instincts, still not sure on how to do that.

[maestramommy]

After reading Protecting the Gift, I would not feel guilty for declining, more mama bear confident. I didn't find the book to scare you, but to tell you to be aware and trust your own instincts. I want to teach DS to trust his instincts, still not sure on how to do that.

the book I referenced above talks about that weird feeling in your stomach, feeling uncomfy, and how you should always listen to that and get away when it comes.

[citymama]

I'm not sure I can read Protecting the Gift right now. Just reading the reviews on amazon gave me a sinking feeling. Truth be told, my DH hates when I am alarmist or fear-based in my approach to what the kids can and can't do. Of course he is right to some degree, but I don't want him to dismiss this legitimate conversation because he thinks I'm reading something alarmist. I hope this makes sense. I would appreciate any words of wisdom you have gleaned from the book but I don't think I can read it in its entirety.

[infomama]

We started talking to our girls about this when they were very young, around age 4. As Melinda said, you want to talk to them about it but not make them paranoid by talking about it over and over and over. Amazing You is a great book we read to our preschooler now and then but for a six-year-old you may even want to try a little "what if" game. See if you can trip her up by not making the answer to the question completely obvious.... that way you understand if your warnings and teachings have sunk in. We did this with dd1 when she went to kindergarten.
Raising confident children is three quarters of the battle. Teaching them that there're people out there that actually do these awful things to children is only a small part of the lesson.

[kdeunc]

One thing that really needs to be stressed is that 90% of children are sexually abused by someone that the family knows and trusts. We need to make sure that our children realize that no one should ever touch them or show them something that makes them feel uncomfortable and that the person could be someone they know, a family member or another child.

The reality is that we have more to fear from those that we might intrust our children to than the stranger on the street.

Don't be afraid to ask organizations where you send your children what their policies are on one adult one child situations and whether or not they have child protection policies in place.

www.d2l.org (http://www.d2l.org/) Darkness to Light, a national organization focused on ending childhood sexual abuse has a good website.

[AnnieW625]

This topic has never scared me.

DD1 goes to a Catholic School and our diocese (and most across the US) require that all kids be taught a program called Virtus. As an adult volunteer I had to take it as well and while the subject matter is tough I am very glad I took it (DH took it as well, and honestly I recommend it for every parent Catholic or not, esp. if you work with kids).

When DD1 was in preschool we told her that only mommy, daddy, her godparents, grandparents, or her DCP+staff could help her in the bathroom. None of these people have a criminal history so that made it easy. We also told her that if she needed help at school she could ask a teacher for help with buttoning up her pants, but for the most part she had to be able to wipe herself and that the teachers would not help.

In regards to strangers and abductions I hate to say it but seeing stories about it on the news is the biggest help out there IMHO. I was 6 yrs. old when 10 yr. old Kevin Collins was abducted from a San Francisco bus stop in 1984. By the time I was 6 I had been to San Francisco numerous times and I knew it was only a 2 hr. drive from my house. San Francisco didn't seem unsafe to me. It hit close to home. I don't remember what lesson about kidnapping we learned in school that year or if security was ramped up as well, but just seeing the image of Kevin photo on TV and hearing the news story helped me understand that I always needed to walk home with my parents or later (around age 8) with a friend and that to always be aware. I am almost 35 yrs. old and still remember so much about hearing about that little boy and how he was never going to go home again. It turns out in college a friend of mine was Kevin Collins first cousin. My heart has always ached for her and her family. I have always thought it could have been me. A few years later when Jaycee Dugard was kidnapped (she was the same age my brother) it was another one of those it could have been my brother as that happened 2 hrs. from my home town as well. For 20 yrs. I never gave up hope that little girl was alive. I just knew it as well. Sorry that got so long, but unfortunately we all learn from things that have happened close to us.

[hellbennt]

http://laurenskids.org/curriculum/safer-smarter-kids/

[niccig]

I'm not sure I can read Protecting the Gift right now. Just reading the reviews on amazon gave me a sinking feeling. Truth be told, my DH hates when I am alarmist or fear-based in my approach to what the kids can and can't do. Of course he is right to some degree, but I don't want him to dismiss this legitimate conversation because he thinks I'm reading something alarmist. I hope this makes sense. I would appreciate any words of wisdom you have gleaned from the book but I don't think I can read it in its entirety.

I felt the same, same sinking feeling and it sat on my shelf. It's not alarmist. It's more about telling you it's OK to act if you have spidey sense that something isn't right. Eg. your story about your mum. An uncle that wants a 15 yo to sit on their lap, that isn't right.