So sad, ruined one of DH's 17 year friendship

[Krisrich]

I messed up. There is nothing I can do about it. I feel terrible. I know I haven't been around here much but you guys can be so kind so I am hoping this is an ok place to share.

DH has a 17 year friendship with someone he met in grad school. He was a groomsman in our wedding. DH's only brother passed away soon after we got married and this friend is Godfather to our first daughter. I always thought he would be in our lives forever, especially since he was also friends with DH's brother.

DH has seen less of him since we moved out of the city after having our 2 kids (ages 2 and 3.) His friend is always a bit of a pain about making DH come in to see him and not vice versa and can be a bit self-centered. He is not married and doesn't understand why it can be hard to schedule with my DH. DH fully acknowledges this but he has been a good, decent friend despite flaws like this and accepts them as part of his personality. We usually laugh about it.

Lately, this friend's business has taken off and he has become very busy. There was about a 6 month period last fall where DH could not get in touch with him and was worried that there was a problem with their friendship. Prior to this, the friend's mother passed away and he didn't tell DH until 4 days later. DH though this was weird but wasn't going to judge while friend was grieving. When they finally got together, everything was fine, friend said he was just busy, and DH felt better and that was it.

Fast forward to last month and this friend and DH have exchanged a few emails about getting together. His friend suggested that a bunch of couples get together and DH didn't respond because the stomach flu was ravishing our house. About a week later, friend sends an email that the dinner was cancelled due to lack of interest. I said to DH that we really need to get together with friend and his girlfriend with our while family so that he can hang out with his Goddaughter. DH suggests this. Friend responds with one date that he can do and a proposed plan for the day. I am excited. 3 days later, when I am home with DH, he gets an email saying that that day has now been taken, he can only meet us after 4pm, and he has no further days free until September. DH is upset. 4pm on a Sunday, commuting in and out of the city with our 2 young kids doesn't work for us. I am frustrated by the whole thing. Here is my mistake- I sent this text. I am just more confrontational than my husband.

"Really? Because of a delay of 72hours we totally lost the chance to see you guys? No way you could have let the other party know that you had potential plans with us before confirming with them? I am sad that my Goddaughter wouldn't recognize her Godfather if she walked by him in the street... If you're interested, you can always contact me directly re:scheduling. Other than me working some weekends, we are not jetsetters like you and are generally free. I don't yet have my work schedule for September."

And, AFTER, I sent this, DH lets me know that he had actually spoken to his friend on the phone that day and DH mentioned that there may be a potential conflict because he was playing soccer that morning so we might not be able to make it into later. UGH!!!! So, I quickly sent this,

"Apologies, DH just let me know that you guys spoke today and that plans were more up in the air than I realized. He is impossible to deal with. Just feeling bad for DD. Sorry again."

Never got a response from him. I sent an email about a week later, apologizing again. Saying I really just want him to have a relationship with my daughter. I said I was not blaming him for the fact that we hadn't gotten together more, that I understood he is busy and has had a hard year personally as well. I was just disappointed and wanted to remedy the situation. I got a curt reply that he was in Asia and next time it would probably be best to schedule through his secretary but, again, not until after September.

DH emails him. In his response, friend tells DH that if I had a relationship with his girlfriend then maybe we could do the scheduling but that is unlikely. Also comments that his father is reuniting with a bunch of lost friends since his mother passed. DH is so not confrontational that he doesn't honestly think that these are insults to me.

Last night, friend had an email exchange about work stuff with DH. Then he casually mentioned that he had gotten engaged and to save the date for December. WHAT?!?!? So, DH calls- he won't pick up his phone. DH emails congratulations and says they need to talk about all of these nasty email exchanges. Friend mentions how DH's "wife totally reamed him out when we weren't even going to be able to get together that weekend."

I am at a loss. I wish I never sent that text but I apologized. Not sure what else I can do. DH told his friend that the emails have to stop and to please set up a time in the next 48 hours that they could talk. Friend offers a time on Sunday, 96 hours later. I sent a last email saying that I am sick about this and confused. And that I sincerely apologize for my role in what has happened and that I hope he and DH can work it out soon. Also mentioned that I would love to talk to him soon. No response.

I really am sick about this. Not sure what I expect you ladies to say but I just needed to get it out there. Thank you for listening.

[mommylamb]

I think you've done all you can do by apologizing. If this guy is willing to ruin a friendship over something like that, it makes me think he doesn't care as much about the friendship as your DH does.

I'm sorry.

[AnnieW625]

I think the friend is just really busy right now. I don't think the friendship is ruined. Guys are like that. DH had a friend he didn't see for 10 yrs. and they recently reconnected and it is like old times. I would just let this pass and tell your DH to give him a call in a few days or even a week or so.

Sometimes things come up so while 4 pm on a Sunday may not have been his original intent that is just what happened with his schedule.

Also since he mentioned his save the date for his wedding in December I would think you are still friends.

I wouldn't worry about the comment about you having a relationship with his gf now; maybe she is shy or something or the friend is nervous about everyone accepting her.

Good luck and neither you or DH should feel bad about this. I am sure the friend is still your friend.

[rlu]

Ok, so being an a** is part of his personality that you have accepted in the past. He's still being one. You have apologized and learned to let DH handle the relationship going forward. I don't think there is more you can/ought to do. If the guys resume their friendship back away and see where it goes from there.

[TwinFoxes]

Wow, that's rough. I think you should all just let it sit for awhile. I think you need to stay out of it completely. I don't think he's letting the friendship go, he could have not mentioned the engagement at all. I actually don't understand why you feel that his comment about his dad getting in touch with lost friends after his mom passed is an insult to you. Anyway, I don't think all is necessarily lost, just give it a rest for now. Send a congratulations on your engagement card, don't go into the whole thing, and hope for the best. Good luck!

[Krisrich]

Wow, that's rough. I think you should all just let it sit for awhile. I think you need to stay out of it completely. I don't think he's letting the friendship go, he could have not mentioned the engagement at all. I actually don't understand why you feel that his comment about his dad getting in touch with lost friends after his mom passed is an insult to you. Anyway, I don't think all is necessarily lost, just give it a rest for now. Send a congratulations on your engagement card, don't go into the whole thing, and hope for the best. Good luck!

I think it implies that DH doesn't see his friend more because he is married to me...

[wellyes]

You did right be apologizing, let it go. Let the guys handle it from here. Everything may be well 1 year down the road.

[momm]

This will blow over. Trust me (a stranger on the internet, lol)
it seems big now, I know - but in such a long friendship I'm sure they've let more than this go. It will blow over and you will all be friends again with no memory of this incident.

Your DD will know her Godfather :)

[Ceepa]

Wow, that's rough. I think you should all just let it sit for awhile. I think you need to stay out of it completely. I don't think he's letting the friendship go, he could have not mentioned the engagement at all. I actually don't understand why you feel that his comment about his dad getting in touch with lost friends after his mom passed is an insult to you. Anyway, I don't think all is necessarily lost, just give it a rest for now. Send a congratulations on your engagement card, don't go into the whole thing, and hope for the best. Good luck!

Agree with this. You can't control how he's reacting to the situation so I would just bow out and let DH communicate with him (considering friend is still talking to him).

[Krisrich]

Thanks for your responses.

I have a question. Obviously, I wish I never sent that text. If I could go back in time, I would never send that text. But, my question is, how terrible was it? I was expressing frustration because I wanted to see him and his girlfriend. I wanted my DD to get to know him. I certainly should have been nicer about it. But, really, how angry can someone get about something like that?

[khalloc]

I think you're putting to much time into this. The friendship doesnt sound that rough to me. But you should probably sit back and let your husband create his own schedule with this friend.

[Ceepa]

It kind of depends on the relationship you and friend had before this.

[BillK]

This is a good reason why texts/emails etc can be volatile for reasons lots of people never even think of.

You can't see the other persons facial expression or body language - or even tone of the voice via text/email. Why I try my best to avoid texting/emailing conversations that can benefit from body language.

And I don't think your text was THAT bad honestly - he just sounds like a Mary to me. :p

[Binkandabee]

How close are you to this friend? Is he also a friend of yours?

If you aren't all that close, perhaps he was just taken aback that you would feel like it was your place to say something like that?

We get together with friends fairly frequently. DH handles the scheduling with his friends and I handle the scheduling with mine...even though the entire group is technically friends.

[misshollygolightly]

Let it rest for a while. He's super busy right now (and planning a wedding on top of everything else!). You can eventually make plans to host him and his fiancee/wife, and make a real effort at that time to befriend her and renew the friendship. In the meantime, you and DH can let friend know how very happy you are for him and his bride-to-be, you understand they're both very busy, and you'll look forward to celebrating their big day with them and spending time with them whenever it's convenient for everyone. Keep the tone of any exchanges you have light and warm and to a minimum.

[Krisrich]

Agreed, I should have never gotten involved. And, if it were not for the fact that he is my daughter's Godfather, I never would have. He's done stuff like this in the past and I recognized it wasn't my business. I just got all Mama Bear thinking of my DD. But, there is no way he is going to understand this.

I hope it is better in the future. For my DH's and DD's sakes, for sure. I do, however, already dread the first time I see friend and his fiancee. I feel like he and DH may patch things up but I'm not sure he will ever feel the same about me. Not quite sure how I screwed up so badly. It's a terrible feeling.

[Giantbear]

the only thing i didn't see you do was to pick up the phone to apologize. Too often people rely on the electronic medium when a personal touch is needed. I would pick up the phone to clear the air, sounds like this guy is a bit sensitive. i have pretty thick skin, but i think i would want a phone call after receiving an email like that.

[Krisrich]

How close are you to this friend? Is he also a friend of yours?

If you aren't all that close, perhaps he was just taken aback that you would feel like it was your place to say something like that?

We get together with friends fairly frequently. DH handles the scheduling with his friends and I handle the scheduling with mine...even though the entire group is technically friends.

Well, I guess I thought we are closer than we are... We've never independently chatted on the phone or gotten together. But, he was in my wedding party and part of my daughter's Christening and by our sides when my husband's brother was sick and then passed...

[Krisrich]

the only thing i didn't see you do was to pick up the phone to apologize. Too often people rely on the electronic medium when a personal touch is needed. I would pick up the phone to clear the air, sounds like this guy is a bit sensitive. i have pretty thick skin, but i think i would want a phone call after receiving an email like that.

Normally, I would call. But it always goes straight to his voicemail and I don't know if he is traveling now or what. I wanted to call last night but DH stopped me. (He had already gotten his voicemail.) It is hard for me to sit back and do nothing.

DH is not blaming me at all in this but I am. He really is just so non-confrontational that clearly I take it too far compensating for him!

[Giantbear]

Normally, I would call. But it always goes straight to his voicemail and I don't know if he is traveling now or what. I wanted to call last night but DH stopped me. (He had already gotten his voicemail.) It is hard for me to sit back and do nothing.

DH is not blaming me at all in this but I am. He really is just so non-confrontational that clearly I take it too far compensating for him!

i would still call and leave a voicemail. It shows the effort of wanting to apologize more than just sending a text or email. But only if your husband agrees. Ultimately, it is up to him.

[pinkmomagain]

Honestly, I think you are putting too much thought into this and reading into things where there may not be issues. You've gotten yourself into a real tizzy about this.

Breathe.

This guy sounds super busy...work, travel, family death, engagement. Just as he might not understand your family life and difficulty getting into the city to meet him, you might not understand his hectic pace. Be compassionate. Give him space. Let your DH and his friend work it out. I really don't think it's as bad as you think. I'd place all bets on this relationship being fine and intact.

Put your energy into positive and productive things to get your mind off of this. Heck, when all else fails, have a glass of wine!

[elbenn]

It doesn't sound like he is ending your friendship--after all, he told you to save the date for the wedding. It sounds like he is really busy and frustrated about the scheduling. Like PPs have said, I think you should not send any more texts or emails for awhile and let your DH and him try to schedule something in a few months. By the way, I don't think your text "reamed him out"--it just seemed like you were frustrated about how hard it is to schedule a time to get together with him.

[KLD313]

It really doesn't sound like a huge deal to me. My BF and his friends go back and forth like this sometimes it's different for guys. I would stay out of it from now on. Personally, I wouldn't have gotten involved in the first but you did and you apologized, there's not much else you can do m

It doesnt sound like their friendship is over and if it ended over one text from you then the friendship may not have been that important to your husbands friend.

[twowhat?]

Thanks for your responses.

I have a question. Obviously, I wish I never sent that text. If I could go back in time, I would never send that text. But, my question is, how terrible was it? I was expressing frustration because I wanted to see him and his girlfriend. I wanted my DD to get to know him. I certainly should have been nicer about it. But, really, how angry can someone get about something like that?

It doesn't sound like that huge of a deal to me - both of your families are very busy and yes, it will be hard to find the time to get together.

But I'll be the voice of dissent re: the text - I thought it was pretty rude:( I get that it's hard to read into tone when it comes to words on a screen...but still.

If you can't get a hold of him by phone, I'd actually send him an apology card. Just say that you are sorry if you hurt his feelings, that you were just feeling so frustrated that you weren't able to find a time to be able to get together with a good friend, and that you and DD miss him and you hope he can forgive you. Then leave it alone and let time take care of it. Good luck! :)

eta: I have a really really thin skin, so that probably contributed to how I read the tone of your text.

[mackmama]

As PPs have said, I'd stay out of it from here. Let the guys handle it. Since you asked about your text - I agree with a PP and also think it was rude. It seemed pretty aggressive/snarky. It sounds like DH's friend has stepped back from you because of it to let the situation breathe and is instead communicating with your DH. At this point, you have apologized and there's really not much else you could do.

[Krisrich]

It doesn't sound like that huge of a deal to me - both of your families are very busy and yes, it will be hard to find the time to get together.

But I'll be the voice of dissent re: the text - I thought it was pretty rude:( I get that it's hard to read into tone when it comes to words on a screen...but still.

If you can't get a hold of him by phone, I'd actually send him an apology card. Just say that you are sorry if you hurt his feelings, that you were just feeling so frustrated that you weren't able to find a time to be able to get together with a good friend, and that you and DD miss him and you hope he can forgive you. Then leave it alone and let time take care of it. Good luck! :)

eta: I have a really really thin skin, so that probably contributed to how I read the tone of your text.

As much as it's not what I would like to hear, I do really appreciate your honesty. I am going to learn from this. I used to not be like this. This sucks.

[twowhat?]

As much as it's not what I would like to hear, I do really appreciate your honesty. I am going to learn from this. I used to not be like this. This sucks.

I'm really sorry:( If he really is a Mary like PP said (haha), I do think the card would make him feel a bit better. I know it would for me, and I'm very very sensitive to these things. It will work out - long friendships like that don't just die. And I speak from experience, having very nearly thought I'd lose a friendship with a very old friend over her bridezilla-ness. We're fine today:)

[arivecchi]

Honestly, I think you are putting too much thought into this and reading into things where there may not be issues. You've gotten yourself into a real tizzy about this.

Breathe.

This guy sounds super busy...work, travel, family death, engagement. Just as he might not understand your family life and difficulty getting into the city to meet him, you might not understand his hectic pace. Be compassionate. Give him space. Let your DH and his friend work it out. I really don't think it's as bad as you think. I'd place all bets on this relationship being fine and intact.

Put your energy into positive and productive things to get your mind off of this. Heck, when all else fails, have a glass of wine!:yeahthat: but also this:



But I'll be the voice of dissent re: the text - I thought it was pretty rude:( I get that it's hard to read into tone when it comes to words on a screen...but still. My DH would kill me if I sent a text like that to any of his friends. Then again, I cannot really envision any scenario in which I would be texting DH's friends so that colors my opinion.

I would let it all die down and give him a sincere apology in person when you see him next and if DH approves. I am sorry you are so upset by this, but I think you have to let it go and let your DH take it from here. Hope they can patch up their friendship.

[Krisrich]

I'm really sorry:( If he really is a Mary like PP said (haha), I do think the card would make him feel a bit better. I know it would for me, and I'm very very sensitive to these things. It will work out - long friendships like that don't just die. And I speak from experience, having very nearly thought I'd lose a friendship with a very old friend over her bridezilla-ness. We're fine today:)

Thank you for your support. What sucks is, it would be much easier to be the person having to do the forgiving in this situation... I'll send the card, if DH agrees.

[wellyes]

The tough part about the text is "we are not jetsetters like you" - instead of being mad about what just happened, you made it seem like there are deeper issues.

BUT. Also probably not a big deal. Men are not like women. I am certain you've spent more time stewing over this then he has. Let it go. I wouldn't keep apologizing or bringing it up. It's OK if he thinks you aren't crazy about him, so long as your DH and he get along. Don't make it about you, let them have the relationship. Is my well-intentioned and I hope inoffensive opinion.

[Krisrich]

The tough part about the text is "we are not jetsetters like you" - instead of being mad about what just happened, you made it seem like there are deeper issues.

BUT. Also probably not a big deal. Men are not like women. I am certain you've spent more time stewing over this then he has. Let it go. I wouldn't keep apologizing or bringing it up. It's OK if he thinks you aren't crazy about him, so long as your DH and he get along. Don't make it about you, let them have the relationship. Is my well-intentioned and I hope inoffensive opinion.

No offense taken! The jetsetters thing, he was just making it clear to DH that he has so little time available and so many people vying for his attention. It did make me upset because I think DH and DD should be near the top of his list. And I was taken aback that, as of the middle of May, we were not going to be able to make plans until September. And so I was snarky although I should not have been.

And, yes, I will have to just let this go, even if it is just DH and he who have the relationship. It's just that since DH has no living sibling, I was romanticizing a relationship with this friend and his future family... I think that is why I over-reacted. So hard to have to stay out of it now. :( I was rude, but well-intentioned, if that makes any sense.

[codex57]

BUT. Also probably not a big deal. Men are not like women. I am certain you've spent more time stewing over this then he has. Let it go. I wouldn't keep apologizing or bringing it up. It's OK if he thinks you aren't crazy about him, so long as your DH and he get along. Don't make it about you, let them have the relationship. Is my well-intentioned and I hope inoffensive opinion.

Yeah, guys are different. I didn't read all the responses. Did another guy give some input yet?

Basically, stay out of it.

There may or may not be a problem. May or may not be salvageable.

I got years without speaking to some of my best friends. Hey, life happens. When we do talk, we catch up a bit. It's like years never passed. I recently talked to my best man at my wedding. Think it was at least two years or so since I've talked with him. At least a year. He just had a baby so I called to congratulate him. Other than some catchup, it's like there was no gap.

Not speaking didn't mean we were mad or anything. Even if we get in fights, guys don't brood. We let things go. Don't read into things. Shoot, the main reason I'm on here is to try to understand women so I can have a better relationship with DW cuz you ladies think completely different than how a guy does.

[HannaAddict]

I can't imagine sending your text or receiving such a text. But I also don't understand wanting a godparent to pay attention to my child to the degree others seem to expect, I'd be much more inclined to get a sitter and see single friend in the city as a date night style deal. Sorry. Nothing you can do but give it time.

[HannaAddict]

Yeah that.

[Krisrich]

I can't imagine sending your text or receiving such a text. But I also don't understand wanting a godparent to pay attention to my child to the degree others seem to expect, I'd be much more inclined to get a sitter and see single friend in the city as a date night style deal. Sorry. Nothing you can do but give it time.

Well, in this case, my husband's brother would have been my DD's Godfather if he had still been alive. This friend was friends with them both and certainly understood that. He was stepping into a bigger role than your typical Godfather. But, regardless, I do think my children should at least know their Godparents.

[daisysmom]

I think the friend is just really busy right now. I don't think the friendship is ruined. Guys are like that. DH had a friend he didn't see for 10 yrs. and they recently reconnected and it is like old times. I would just let this pass and tell your DH to give him a call in a few days or even a week or so.

...Also since he mentioned his save the date for his wedding in December I would think you are still friends.
.

I would let it go. While he is the Godfather to your daughter, this stemmed from your husband's friendship with him. I would let him rule it. We have a very similar situation in our house... my husband's best friend growing up is our daughter's godfather. Truly, she wouldn't know him if he walked into the room (and she is 5). He doesn't send gifts or cards. And he just went through a divorce where we think he cheated. But that's life. He and my husband still figure out some way to connect a few times a year and when they do, it is like old times and they cheer each other tremendously. They don't schedule things more regularly. It is just the way they are (and frankly, how my DH is with lots of friendships). The only thing that would make me get involved is if something happened to my DH, he got really sick, or his parents died or something. I know then I would call Phil and say get your ass over here and be a friend. And then... I have no doubt he would. But they just aren't social friends more than that.

[daisysmom]

It did make me upset because I think DH and DD should be near the top of his list.

This is the key to what is bugging you, IMO. While you apologized, I get the impression that you still think that you are right and that DH and DD should be near the top of his list.

IMO, no one is entitled to make priority lists for anyone else... especially friends of a husband. Seriously. We can't even control our parents, and there are a lot of people on these boards that want their parents and their in-laws to want to spend time with their grandchildren when they apprently do not. It is a hard lesson to learn, but I think when you release this mindset, you will be free and let things happen naturally. I am godmother to a boy and I barely have a relationship with him, or his mother now. The fact is, when you make that decisioin (generally whent he child is an infant), you can't predict what will happen. It woudl be nice if you could... and ensure a close relationship, but you can't ensure anything. It is easier with a relative, but even that can be hard. I have a wonderful relationship with my brother but I despise his wife... so she can put a real crincher on us. I don't call or reach out to him often at home, would rather call him at work. But I know the fact of the matter is... I can't control him or their lives, nor can anyone control us. And as it is, we have a great time when we see each other and in my heart I know that he is dedicated to me, tho silently.

The mama bear instinct (I have it too... I just attended my daugher's swim lesson and nearly jumped in to give her encouragement, in my work clothes) don't work with relationships, I think. You can't force something, and if you do... you could alienate it further. I would let your husband just be the master of it... it was his tie initially to the friend and that tie will carry it through if anything would.

And on the question of was your text rude... honestly, if you had an independent and jovial friendship with him (like I do with various of my husband's friends), I dont' think so. Nor would I get offended by a joking response of "please schedule through my secretary" or "maybe we will get together when we are both widowed". I have male friends where we can get into things like that and it is all in fun. But it sounds to me like you all didn't have this basis.

[Krisrich]

This is the key to what is bugging you, IMO. While you apologized, I get the impression that you still think that you are right and that DH and DD should be near the top of his list.


You are right that I cannot control other people's priorities. You are also right that I wish that DH and DD fell higher on the list. One can have feelings about this, right? Like, I think grandparents should be involved in grandchildren's lives even if I can't (nor shouldn't) control it.

I think my feelings are colored by more than your typical husband/husband friend relationship. My husband doesn't have any living siblings and this guy was (is?) his best friend. My husband has been hurt in this and I feel terrible about this, as well. I think it was Mama Bear and Wife Bear on my part. It wasn't right and I am sorry. But, not quite sure I can't feel hurt for my husband and daughter.

[Krisrich]

I would let it go. While he is the Godfather to your daughter, this stemmed from your husband's friendship with him. I would let him rule it. We have a very similar situation in our house... my husband's best friend growing up is our daughter's godfather. Truly, she wouldn't know him if he walked into the room (and she is 5). He doesn't send gifts or cards. And he just went through a divorce where we think he cheated. But that's life. He and my husband still figure out some way to connect a few times a year and when they do, it is like old times and they cheer each other tremendously. They don't schedule things more regularly. It is just the way they are (and frankly, how my DH is with lots of friendships). The only thing that would make me get involved is if something happened to my DH, he got really sick, or his parents died or something. I know then I would call Phil and say get your ass over here and be a friend. And then... I have no doubt he would. But they just aren't social friends more than that.


I appreciate your post. Thank you.

I think the difference here is that my husband isn't ok with the state of the friendship and has been hurt by his friend's actions. If he was ok, then I would be ok.

But, again, it wasn't my place to get involved. By doing so, I made things worse not better. :(

[elektra]

Like a lot of folks have said, it's probably time to just step back- I just don't think he's going to call or email and say, "don't worry about it, I accept your apology, everything is totally fine. Let's just put it behind us."

And I have seen grown men get into fist fights and then be best friends afterwards. They are just different animals. I think trying to let it go and have your DH and the friend sort it out is your best move.

[Globetrotter]

Sorry, but I do think the text was pushy, Esp. The part about them being jet setters. Ouch.

He lost a parent and got engaged, both huge life events. I would give him a pass and I am sure the friendship will survive once he realizes how sorry you are, plus he's a guy. He will move on. I would let dh handle it from now onwards and you can be gracious when you meet and make an effort to get to know the fiancée, esp. Since they are the godparents. Is that how it works?

Dh can go for years without talking to close friends. One day he asked if a friend could stay for the weekend but I said I'd rather not because it was a bad time for us. Then he gave me a guilt trip about not helping his best friend! What?? He hadnt talked to him in ages (he lived on the east coast) and didn't even call after his divorce. I had no idea they were that close :p

I think this guy will change once he settles down. Some single, childless folks are quite clueless about the difficulties of juggling family responsibilities. dh and i have always been very mature in this regard, even when we first met. My brother is not.

[niccig]

Another vote for the text was rude. I understand you want him in your life but sending that text said that it's more important that he does what you want, ie. see more of your family, than what is going on in his life. He's really busy with his business, his fiance, his father. There's no understanding from you about what is going on in his life, but guilt trip of "your god-daughter doesn't know you." That's never going to be received well.

I have a friend who did similar thing as your text. Angry that I wasn't as available for her anymore, no understanding that I had just had a baby and was overwhelmed. Even when she said "I understand you're busy" the message was still one of trying to guilt me into doing more with her, as she would then ask when she could phone and get me alone, that is without DS or DH around. It had the opposite effect. I don't have much to do with her and keep her at arm's distance as I don't have the energy to deal with the guilt she tries to pile on as I'm not as involved as she would like. Other friends I've known just as long understood what was going on and didn't take it personally when I would go long stretches without contact. Guess who I want to see and who I don't want to see when I visit my family (they all live near my parents).

I would stay out of it from here. Let the guys organize get togethers and accept that the friendship may stay just between the guys and may not include you and DC. DH hoped when his best friend married and had kids we would do more together, but his wife has her own circle of friends and she does all the planning for social events. DH contacts his friend and tries to set things up, but the friendship is really just between the guys. We've got other friends in same group and we get together as families. It's just how things worked out, we tried to get to know his wife more but it didn't work. DH could get angry over it, but it's not going to change - this guy was his best man, known him since high school. Unless his friend puts more effort into the friendship, DH and he won't see each much.

[twowhat?]

I have a friend who did similar thing as your text. Angry that I wasn't as available for her anymore, no understanding that I had just had a baby and was overwhelmed. Even when she said "I understand you're busy" the message was still one of trying to guilt me into doing more with her, as she would then ask when she could phone and get me alone, that is without DS or DH around.

This happened to me too (re: bridezilla episode). EVEN after I tried to explain how overwhelmed I was with twins and trying to help my family deal with my brother's mental illness and attempted suicides, and with DH and his heavy travel load, I still got all kinds of hurtful comments about how I didn't care about her and her upcoming wedding. I believe I b*tched about it here, even! In the end I decided to put on my happy face and pretend it never happened. I worked extra hard to try to make it up to her, even though I shouldn't have to, because she IS important to me. She then had her own baby and now it's clear that she feels remorse for her actions (because now she gets it) and we're still close friends. I know it's different because she's not a guy and she probably dwelled on it for a long time (I know I did!). So I think the fact that your friend is a guy makes it easier, LOL:) I know it sucks to feel that way though. I'm sure it'll work out! I don't know if my suggestion of sending an apology card is a good idea or not - but I bet you and DH can decide based on how well you know him.

[musicalgrl]

Your intentions were good. But in general I don't think that guys respond well to being pressured about their time; especially someone like this friend who seems to have a lot of personal and professional demands at the moment.

It would be great if he could step in and be both the godfather and a surrogate uncle. But I think you may need to temper expectations of the role this person will play in your DD's life. He may pleasantly surprise you one day. Or he may not. In the meantime I would step aside and let he and your DH sort out their friendship on their own.

[wolverine2]

I think you're putting to much time into this. The friendship doesnt sound that rough to me. But you should probably sit back and let your husband create his own schedule with this friend.

:yeahthat:

[Krisrich]

So, I am really feeling better about this whole thing, believe it or not. It helped to write it out and to hear your responses, even the brutally honest ones. :)

I do think I over-reacted to this whole situation, but I tend to be a bit sensitive and emotional myself.

I am not as needy as it might seem. This was not because of my own needs, but because of those of DD AND DH. It seems to have slipped through the cracks that DH was upset about this situation and doesn't blame me for sending the text. (Although I am still embarrassed, wrong, and wish I hadn't.) I understand that friendships are different for guys but DH himself has not been happy with the state of things. And, he is still grieving the loss of his own brother and this colors a lot of mine and DH's responses. I also initially didn't relay the harsh emails that this friend has been sending DH prior to my text because I didn't want to seem too much like I was justifying my bad behavior. Things like, we are booked in the Hamptons, name-dropping who he's seeing, and, I can't email you 10 times to try to schedule, every email costs me money. When he suggested I schedule with his secretary, I don't think that was a joke.

Again, none of this was any of my business, I get that. And, believe it or not, I do like the guy.

I feel badly about what I did but I am not going to continue to beat myself up over it. I have 10 years of history with this guy and if this is how he is going to judge me, then so be it. As long as he and DH work it out, which I believe they will, then I'm ok. Moving forward, I will make a real effort to be warm and gracious. And, to keep my big mouth out of it as well.:wink2:

[Krisrich]

Your intentions were good. But in general I don't think that guys respond well to being pressured about their time; especially someone like this friend who seems to have a lot of personal and professional demands at the moment.

It would be great if he could step in and be both the godfather and a surrogate uncle. But I think you may need to temper expectations of the role this person will play in your DD's life. He may pleasantly surprise you one day. Or he may not. In the meantime I would step aside and let he and your DH sort out their friendship on their own.

Thank you for this. Agreed.

[ZeeBaby]

Another vote for you to just let it go. You really don't need to make contact with DH's friend again. When he is ready he contact DH. It seems like there is some confusion about the relationships here. DH is the friend, you are the wife. My DH would be totally pissed at me for overstepping boundaries and sending that text. I might have thought it, but I would never send it. Not trying to bash you, just my opinion. I also agree with everyone else that the friendship is not ruined though.

[niccig]

I also initially didn't relay the harsh emails that this friend has been sending DH prior to my text because I didn't want to seem too much like I was justifying my bad behavior. Things like, we are booked in the Hamptons, name-dropping who he's seeing, and, I can't email you 10 times to try to schedule, every email costs me money. When he suggested I schedule with his secretary, I don't think that was a joke.

Again, none of this was any of my business, I get that. And, believe it or not, I do like the guy.


Sounds like your friend's life may be changing such that there isn't much in common between him and your DH. I totally understand your DH being hurt by this, but it has to be your DH that says something. And even then, it may not change anything. Your friend has to want to keep the friendship as well. It may be changing to a less active friendship - they've known each a long time, so they'll probably still have it, it just won't be the same. Sorry.

[Krisrich]

Sounds like your friend's life may be changing such that there isn't much in common between him and your DH. I totally understand your DH being hurt by this, but it has to be your DH that says something. And even then, it may not change anything. Your friend has to want to keep the friendship as well. It may be changing to a less active friendship - they've known each a long time, so they'll probably still have it, it just won't be the same. Sorry.

Well, I certainly hope that is not true. Things wax and wane for sure. But this is not an unknown aspect of this guy's personality. This is why it can be tough to fully relay situations in forums like this. (Although I do appreciate the feedback.) How do I accurately and completely describe a relationship(s) that has existed for years...

[niccig]

Well, I certainly hope that is not true. Things wax and wane for sure. But this is not an unknown aspect of this guy's personality. This is why it can be tough to fully relay situations in forums like this. (Although I do appreciate the feedback.) How do I accurately and completely describe a relationship(s) that has existed for years...

I hope it's not true either. Friendships do wax and wane and some die out. They've been friends for so long, they'll probably be fine. But there is a lot of transition in everyone's lives - your family, him and his work and now marriage. The friendship needs to adjust to that and it could take some time.

[Krisrich]

I hope it's not true either. Friendships do wax and wane and some die out. They've been friends for so long, they'll probably be fine. But there is a lot of transition in everyone's lives - your family, him and his work and now marriage. The friendship needs to adjust to that and it could take some time.

Agreed.

[Globetrotter]

Op, I know what you mean. It is hard to describe a friendship in one post!

I have a very close friend who has developed an uppity "upscale" attitude, similar to what you described, to the extent that we have drifted apart. We are still there for each other when the going gets tough, and we have gone through a lot together, but we have nothing in common!

However, she is the one who accused me of not being available. The truth is we are both busy and she stresses me out so I don't enjoy one to one interaction. It's fun in a group setting, though, so I try to keep it at that. We did do a girls weekend last year, and that helped us reconnect (like an old married couple :D). I just had to change my expectations..

[justlearning]

Out of curiosity, why has he said that he doesn't want to have to email you 10 times to set something up, and why did you let 3 days go by without responding to his request to get together (which you said you were excited about doing)?

ETA that it sounds like you hadn't responded to him after 3 days either so he then had the courtesy to email you at that point to say he had made other plans. It sounds like previously your DH hadn't responded at all to his invitation to get together with other couples. (A quick text could have been sent even with the stomach flu.). So is it possible that perhaps your DH isn't into this friend as much as you think he is (or want him to be)? Maybe your DH has been frustrated over time with this friend and is now trying to get back at him somewhat by not being responsive to him. Perhaps that's why he's not upset with you sending the text too. So in that case, I wouldn't worry about it if I were you. Learn your lesson (as you have) and be more responsive to the friends who really are important to you.

[HannaAddict]

Well, in this case, my husband's brother would have been my DD's Godfather if he had still been alive. This friend was friends with them both and certainly understood that. He was stepping into a bigger role than your typical Godfather. But, regardless, I do think my children should at least know their Godparents.

They can know their godparent but he is not her uncle but a busy single guy. The best way to have a good godparent relationship is for the adults to have a good relationship, versus forced together time. We are godparents to kids across the country and don't know them super well, but would be there for the long haul if needed. Your daughter will be fine, she doesn't have the expectations of this guy that the adults have. Glad you are moving forward with letting it go, it is fine to be disappointed or hurt but just keep it between you and your husband.

[daisysmom]

You are right that I cannot control other people's priorities. You are also right that I wish that DH and DD fell higher on the list. One can have feelings about this, right? Like, I think grandparents should be involved in grandchildren's lives even if I can't (nor shouldn't) control it.
.

I haven't read the responses since this one yet, but I wanted to answer your question. YES-- absolutely you can have feelings about this. And yes, your feelings are valid. Feelings are never wrong and absolutely, I am not saying that you are wrong for **wishing** that. But what I was saying is that you run a risk to **act on your wish** and admonish someone else. They control their actions. You control your feelings. You can't control their actions. That's all I was trying to point out.

And of course, this is just my opinion. I just know that once I stopped trying to control my parents and trying to force their actions when honestly, they didn't want to come to grandparents day or my child's birthday parties -- we all reached a much better place. Now my daughter is elated when my parents come on their own terms, and she doesn't see me get agitated and upset. It isn't what I would have wished for if I was queen, but the fact is, I am not.

[specialp]

ETA that it sounds like you hadn't responded to him after 3 days either so he then had the courtesy to email you at that point to say he had made other plans. It sounds like previously your DH hadn't responded at all to his invitation to get together with other couples. (A quick text could have been sent even with the stomach flu.). So is it possible that perhaps your DH isn't into this friend as much as you think he is (or want him to be)? .

That’s what I was thinking, too. It sounded like there was zero response on the last invitation, then no response for 3 days on this one, then learn later that DH had said he might be busy with a soccer game on the day suggested by the friend. I got an impression that DH, for whatever reason, wasn’t as into this friendship either.

[MMMommy]

Out of curiosity, why has he said that he doesn't want to have to email you 10 times to set something up, and why did you let 3 days go by without responding to his request to get together (which you said you were excited about doing)?

ETA that it sounds like you hadn't responded to him after 3 days either so he then had the courtesy to email you at that point to say he had made other plans. It sounds like previously your DH hadn't responded at all to his invitation to get together with other couples. (A quick text could have been sent even with the stomach flu.). So is it possible that perhaps your DH isn't into this friend as much as you think he is (or want him to be)? Maybe your DH has been frustrated over time with this friend and is now trying to get back at him somewhat by not being responsive to him. Perhaps that's why he's not upset with you sending the text too. So in that case, I wouldn't worry about it if I were you. Learn your lesson (as you have) and be more responsive to the friends who really are important to you.

:yeahthat: I noticed this too. First DH's no response to his friend b/c of the stomach flu in your household, and then the three day delay in responding to the subsequent, suggested outing. The friend sounds like he has a lot on his plate and very little free time, so timely responses to him might be important. Could the friend also be peeved at what he perceives to be non responsiveness to his tries at getting together?

I can see how the friend would be upset by your text. The "jetsetter" reference combined with the guilting language about his goddaughter not recognizing her own godfather came off as very critical and accusatory.

You have apologized already. The only other action I would take would be to reach him personally by phone (he's busy, this may take a while to happen) and apologize over the phone. After that, I would leave things be and let DH and him resolve the issue.

[Globetrotter]

:yeahthat: I noticed this too. First DH's no response to his friend b/c of the stomach flu in your household, and then the three day delay in responding to the subsequent, suggested outing. The friend sounds like he has a lot on his plate and very little free time, so timely responses to him might be important. Could the friend also be peeved at what he perceives to be non responsiveness to his tries at getting together?

Good point! :yeahthat:

[justlearning]

If you're interested, you can always contact me directly re:scheduling.

He is impossible to deal with. Just feeling bad for DD. Sorry again."

OP, if you haven't already, I would suggest talking with your husband about this friendship. It seems to be very important to you, especially due to the importance you place on his role as the godfather of your daughter (and perhaps fitting into a brother role for your DH).

But it would be helpful to know how your DH feels. If he truly values this friendship, then perhaps you could gently guide your DH on how he can be a better friend. For starters, suggest that he make it a point to respond immediately (i.e., within an hour) of reading an email or text from his friend. I think that could go a long way in helping to improve the friendship. When his friend is making comments like he doesn't want to have to email 10 times or you should contact his secretary to schedule something, it seems like it's his way of saying he's tired of trying to get in touch with your DH to plan things.

In your texts, you admitted that your DH is "impossible to deal with" but your solution was for the friend to contact you directly to schedule things. My suggestion would be for you to talk with your DH and tell him that he needs to man up and start being more responsible when it comes to responding to his friends in a timely fashion instead of assuming that he will never change and telling his friend that he essentially needs to address his communication to you instead of to your DH.

But if this friendship isn't important to your DH (e.g., if he no longer feels compatible with his friend due to lifestyle differences or if he feels hurt due to things this friend has said), then a prime way to try to create distance in a relationship is by not responding promptly to emails and texts. So in that case, if he is in fact trying to create distance, he should keep doing what he's doing.

[Krisrich]

Just popping in so I don't leave you guys hanging with unanswered questions. :)

First, the friendship IS important to DH. Extremely important. That is one of the reasons that I reacted rashly. Just prior to my text, DH had received a curt email from his friend that the day was now booked from 11-4. And this was May and the next date offered was September. They had talked earlier in the day and DH thought plans were going to be worked out. Turns out, there had been some hesitation on DH's part b/c of the timing of the end of his soccer game and his friend was ok with that because of he had other people he was trying to see as well. But, hours later, he just knocked us out of the box completely and DH was hurt. I didn't know about DH's hesitation and thought it was all his friend, hence the ridiculous text I sent.

As far as me not responding within 72 hours, the emails aren't sent to me but to DH. He does respond, but can't commit at the moment because he has family obligations and needs to talk to me. This frustrates his friend who is busy and single and doesn't get it. He then responds rudely, ie, "10 emails cost me money" which is upsetting to DH.

DH is not feeling ambiguous about this friendship. In fact, I explained before that earlier in the year he was feeling quite apprehensive after his friend was unresponsive to DH's attempts to get together over a 6 month period. Now while this friend is reaching out to DH, if he doesn't get an immediate yes response, he gets pissy.

As far as not responding to the friend's email suggesting a couples outing while we were sick, a complete lack of response is unusual for DH. But, I am sure you can all understand checking an email in the midst of a crisis at home and then forgetting about it. Normally, the sender might just sent an "hey, did you get my email?" follow-up a few days later. Had that happened, DH would have apologized, of course. Instead, this friend says "the evening is cancelled due to lack of interest." And, DH did apologize after he got this email.

The whole thing is really very 7th grade. I do not have these problems with my friends and I am the girl! :wink2: I just got frustrated. I see more clearly that blame lies with DH, as well. I just didn't like the snide comments from his friend. But, again, I know it was not my place to say anything.

[MMMommy]

OP, I know you are upset by this on behalf of DH and DD. Honestly, I think you've done more than your fair share of the communicating and outreach. I really think that DH should take ownership and responsibility for his feelings and his relationship with his friend. It sounds like DH is has been harboring hurt feelings for some time now, and his friend's hectic schedule and life circumstances certainly aren't making things any easier. I think DH needs to address his own feelings and his own issues with his friend. He has been unresponsive to his friend in the past (though you noted it isn't normal for DH to be unresponsive), and vice versa. There seems to be pent up hurt and resentment going on here between the two. I don't think it is your responsibility to make peace here. It is DH and his friend's responsibility. They are grown men. If they want to make peace and normalize their friendship, then they both need to take the steps to do so. I don't think you should worry too much about this anymore b/c it is their situation to work out.

I hope things resolve for your DH and his friend. If not, perhaps some friendships fizzle due to life's changing circumstances.

[Globetrotter]

just sounds like a Mary to me

Alright, I can't be the only one who doesn't get this reference! Do tell!