Feeling sad about DD's recital - long

[AJP]

My girls go to a great low key dance school and just had their first recital. Both girls participated in class al year since September. My one twin "T" decided she didn't want to dance and sat out a few classes. Two of those times my MIL was there so I just chalked it up to her "disrupting" the flow. The last time was last month and MIL thought bribing her to go into te studio would work. Of course DD shut down, ignored the bribes (yay DD!) and sat in the waiting room. She stated a few weeks ago that she was NOT dancing at recital, but would watch her sister from the audience.
Well, wednesday was rehearsal on stage and she couldn't wait to go on. Both girls were smiling and having a great time. Today was the performance. It was afternoon and was 4 creative movement performances (their group) and a few older groups thrown in for variety. The whole thing was an hour long. It was very low key, wore their regular outfits on stage. She told me last night that she was "too shy" to go on stage. We talked about how it was her choice, I want her to be comfortable and be happy with her choice etc. well, performance time came and no mention of her not wanting to go. I brought them back stage half hour before the show and they sat with their group, and assistant. Their instructor was back there also. The whole group entered together and sat in the orchestra area. I went to say hi, tool their picture and told them that we were sitting right behind them with DH, my DS and a few cousins. My twin "T" was hugging her sister the whole time. When their group went on to do their 3 minute show, she seemed ok and herself at first. Their instructor and assistant were up their guiding the whole routine. She just looked scared, crossed her arms and refused to dance at first. She then ran over and kept hugging at and pulling at her sister. Who BTW wanted no part of it! Lol. She finally started dancing and seemed to just follow in fear of just sitting there. She KNOWS the routine. She was stubbornly following and I feel so, so badly that she just saw all the people and was just scared. I wanted to run up there and grab her and hug her and bring her down. My poor poor baby. I never wanted her to feel like she had to perform and I feel like its my fault since I just left her back stage. She seemed a little scared at the time, but had she said just once that she didn't want to I never would have left her there!
Afterwards she was happy to get flowers and see us all there. On the way home when I asked if she had fun she said she was shy and made a mistake by going on stage. I now think that she thought she was watching all the kids and sitting with them, but she was planning on NOT dancing. When her group got up I think she didn't know what else to do and just followed. She is very stubborn and I believe if I was there with her she wouldn't have gone up.
I feel so sad for her that she felt scared and maybe a little lost and that I let her down. I always said I wouldnt make her do it...it was for fun. What kind of mom was I today!?!!!? I just kissed them both, said see you on stage, made sure she didn't run after me and left. I feel like I made her do it. My poor little girl! She is totally not shy in regular situations, but with her sensory issues I kind of expected it would bother her some.
My other dd had fun and did great! I'm just so happy that age would have danced on her own of T decided not to. At least they are independent of eachother!

[bigsis]

:hug Don't beat yourself up for it. I'm sure it's not you. If you lingered backstage, she probably would have done the same thing. Then you'd beat yourself up for doing that. :( As moms we just can't win sometimes. We blame ourselves for everything.

If anything, this might be a lesson on what T is not interested in, at least not at this time.

[smiles33]

I agree, don't beat yourself up. It doesn't sound like you pressured her at all, as you were taking your cues from her. It sounds to me like she's starting to figure out what she likes/doesn't like and is confident enough to express herself (as she did with MIL). You are not even close to being an overbearing Tiger Mom. I think I would have done exactly as you did, even knowing now that she ultimately didn't want to dance as it seems like she was still considering the option at that time. When you reflect back, do you regret not explicitly asking her if she wanted to leave the backstage area and sit with you, DH and your DS?

[mommy111]

I don't see anything wrong with that situation at all (but keep in mind I'm a tough love mom, my kid's going on stage whether she wants to or not). Thing is, you didn't pressure her, she saw everyone around her doing what they were doing and eventually got over the paralyzing stage fright and did what she had to do, without any yelling or pushing from you. My philosophy is that you cannot insulate your child from fear, nor can you teach them to be paralyzed and back out of things because of fear. Your DD learnt to overcome the fear BY HERSELF. What a great paradigm for the future!! At this point, I would be making a big deal of the child and buying her all the ice cream she wants. Yayyy DD!!!:cheerleader1::cheerleader1::cheerleader1:

[wendmatt]

She did fine. My dd is super shy and I encouraged her to do a piano recital and she actually enjoyed it, sometimes they do need a little shove. She sounds as though she did great in the end. It's good for them to step outside of her comfort zone sometimes. Dont beat yourself up. Next time she'll know what's going to happen and maybe she'll choose to go on again, you never know. Congrats to them both on their first recital.

[AJP]

Thanks for reading and making me feel better! She wanted to do ballet and was a little disappointed that it was "only" creative movement. Lol, not sure what she expected since they started at 3yrs old! She enjoyed her classes, but sometimes the baby toys in the waiting room were more interesting! Recital was optional, and that's one of the reasons we picked this school. I told both of th they needed to stick out class for the year and since recital only cost me $20 for t-shirts, it wouldn't be a problem to skip it. I am trying to let them try what they want as far as activities, but want them to learn to stick it out to see if they really enjoy it. I don't want something like performance fear at such a young age, keep them from having fun and learning something new! I also realize at their age, that refusing to do something I guide them to do is part of them gaining independance, but she's so stubborn that sometimes she refuses just because I ask! I hope she feels good about having done it today! I actually cried about it last night and my DH assured me that I'd she REALLY didn't want to be there she would have stormed off stage while crossing her arms! I kinda believe that too.

[karstmama]

absolutely. if she had wanted to leave, she would have left. tell them you're proud & drop it.

it doesn't sound like you pushed, and i'd be wary of setting her up to have stage fright or fear of being in public by overly talking about it.

and it sounds adorable!

[Kindra178]

I don't see anything wrong with that situation at all (but keep in mind I'm a tough love mom, my kid's going on stage whether she wants to or not). Thing is, you didn't pressure her, she saw everyone around her doing what they were doing and eventually got over the paralyzing stage fright and did what she had to do, without any yelling or pushing from you. My philosophy is that you cannot insulate your child from fear, nor can you teach them to be paralyzed and back out of things because of fear. Your DD learnt to overcome the fear BY HERSELF. What a great paradigm for the future!! At this point, I would be making a big deal of the child and buying her all the ice cream she wants. Yayyy DD!!!:cheerleader1::cheerleader1::cheerleader1:

Couldn't have said it better myself. Being on stage for the first time or the fiftieth time is hard, but the only way to get used to it is to keep doing it. I think you should tell her that she should be proud of herself for going up and dancing, even though she was afraid. Don't beat yourself. There was really nothing you could have done differently.

[TwinFoxes]

I am another one who doesn't think it sounds horrible. :) I think it's kind of a cute story, and your DD is probably past it by now, she doesn't sound upset from the way you describe it. Don't be so hard on yourself.

[AJP]

She was really cute up there and everyone was cracking up when she kept running over to her sister to hug her. She gets overly goofy and stubborn when she is out of her element, so I'm glad she did what came natural to her. Her sister was a little ticked and kept dancing. We haven't talked about it any more and they will have the summer off to decide what new adventures to try in the fall.
Thanks for your support. I felt bad by knowing her anxieties and did what I thought was best by not talking up the whole performance thing other than rehearsal and discussing where they would go, with whom, and where we would be watching from. I'm very sensitive to raising all my kids with their comfort in knowing they can call some shots and that I won't push for something that should be fun and come naturally. I was not given much choice when young in what I would participate in and want them to know that their thoughts, feelings and comfort come first when joining these activities. I HATED having to perform ethnic dancing, poems, playing tennis and piano and had to do it because my parenth thought they were good for me. I'm trying to find a balance while encouraging them to try new things AND follow through. The last thing I want is them growing up feeling as I did...like my opinions and feelings didn't matter cause I was a kid. There's nothing like spending the weekend doing something you hate!

[elektra]

She was really cute up there and everyone was cracking up when she kept running over to her sister to hug her. She gets overly goofy and stubborn when she is out of her element, so I'm glad she did what came natural to her. Her sister was a little ticked and kept dancing. We haven't talked about it any more and they will have the summer off to decide what new adventures to try in the fall.
Thanks for your support. I felt bad by knowing her anxieties and did what I thought was best by not talking up the whole performance thing other than rehearsal and discussing where they would go, with whom, and where we would be watching from. I'm very sensitive to raising all my kids with their comfort in knowing they can call some shots and that I won't push for something that should be fun and come naturally. I was not given much choice when young in what I would participate in and want them to know that their thoughts, feelings and comfort come first when joining these activities. I HATED having to perform ethnic dancing, poems, playing tennis and piano and had to do it because my parenth thought they were good for me. I'm trying to find a balance while encouraging them to try new things AND follow through. The last thing I want is them growing up feeling as I did...like my opinions and feelings didn't matter cause I was a kid. There's nothing like spending the weekend doing something you hate!


I think you did fine! I would have done the same thing because it seemed like maybe she had gotten over her initial anxiety and changed her mind to wanting to give it a shot.
I totally get being forced into something though- I was forced to do 8 years of an activity that I hated, that ironically, if maybe I would have been able to take a break from it, I may have come back to it on my own. So I too want to be very sensitive to my kids feelings about choices and activities. But that being said, I think kids do need some encouragement to keep at things. I am hoping I can find where to draw that line- it is not always totally clear!