Share coping strategies for tantrums!

[twowhat?]

I need ideas. I don't vent to DH about tantrums because he's in no mood to talk about it either. And honestly, talking about it with someone IRL doesn't seem to help.

Share your coping strategies for making it through the screaming. I'm thinking things like breathing exercises, cold showers, whatever - to do during the screaming other than get on the BBB because I'm sure everyone is sick of hearing about this from me. I am willing to try anything! DD2 is about to kill me.

And tomorrow is Saturday and I am dreading it already because it's the weekend. Weekends should be things to look forward to, not cringe from!!!

[crl]

Hide. My dd usually stops if she doesn't have an audience. (Note that this did NOT work with ds.). Chocolate. Not very healthy, but desperate times. . . . Go outside. Everything is better outside. Dd is slightly better and I am much calmer outside.

Catherine

[Sweetum]

Just survived through one today - I used the time and energy to clean up the kitchen. I am also always looking for a breather to introduce something neutral - do you want a snack? do you want to play this game? DS can choose to continue the tantrum in which case I continue ignoring and working hard at polishing the kitchen or if he takes my options, I go along and that would be the end of the tantrum. Sometimes there can be a part 2, in which case the ignoring starts again, and the cleanup or this time folding of laundry begins.

[trcy]

No BTDT as DD has not reached that stage yet, but wanted to offer :grouphug:. Feel free to vent away here. That is why we are here. FWIW, I read through all of the tantrum threads so I will hopefully be prepared.

[Kymberley]

DS has just recently started throwing massive tantrums so I'm new to this. So far, I just leave the room and let him cry it out. Eventually he does calm down and is back to his happy self. I'm sure this won't work forever. I have noticed with him that his worst tantrums are when he is tired. Good luck. I know you've been dealing with this for a while. It's hard, especially on Mom.

[Simon]

From your earlier posts, it sounds like your Dds can throw some world class tantrums so I really feel for you. I thought they went through a phase of doing better, no? Regardless, feel free to vent away here.

To help me, I put on earphones with an audiobook that I like and make hot cocoa, even in summertime. That tends to block out sound and help me stay calm so I don't lash out myself.

Can you play some white noise right outside the door where the tantrum is happening? That might help the rest of the house by blocking sound. I think you have said Dd is usually in a bathroom during tantrums and it could really echo. Bose noise cancellation headphones are another idea. I like long hot showers too and I find that the right scent can help my mood a lot--a little aromatherapy.

Hire a babysitter so that you have a set time that you know you can go out and be by yourself.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

No BTDT as DD has not reached that stage yet, but wanted to offer :grouphug:. Feel free to vent away here. That is why we are here. FWIW, I read through all of the tantrum threads so I will hopefully be prepared.

:yeahthat:

same here, though my DD has already started beginnings of tantrums :S

i agree with the PP about going outside..that always seems to calm my kiddos down when they are whining/restless, especially in the summer. i was talking to a mom friend who had a very colicky baby (he just turned 1 now) and she said that in those first few months the only thing that would help stop the screaming is if she took him outside. I don't know if its' the hot weather, or what, but it does seem to calm LOs (and me) down.

[twowhat?]

From your earlier posts, it sounds like your Dds can throw some world class tantrums so I really feel for you. I thought they went through a phase of doing better, no? Regardless, feel free to vent away here.

To help me, I put on earphones with an audiobook that I like and make hot cocoa, even in summertime. That tends to block out sound and help me stay calm so I don't lash out myself.

Can you play some white noise right outside the door where the tantrum is happening? That might help the rest of the house by blocking sound. I think you have said Dd is usually in a bathroom during tantrums and it could really echo. Bose noise cancellation headphones are another idea. I like long hot showers too and I find that the right scent can help my mood a lot--a little aromatherapy.

Hire a babysitter so that you have a set time that you know you can go out and be by yourself.

DD2 is doing better in terms of frequency, but DD1 is picking up exactly where she left off. Last weekend she was in a time-out for (literally) HOURS because she just couldn't stop screaming. We do put DD2 in the bathroom because she pees (on purpose) on the floor during tantrums. DD1 does not, so we put her in the guest bedroom for tantrums. I would love to just go outside, but mosquitoes love me (and I get bitten while DH does not - SO aggravating).

Anyway I think also, a lot of the difficulty is our differences in parenting style and I just feel so defeated trying to work through this with DH. We cannot come to an agreement other than "I will not interfere when you're dealing with a tantrum and vice versa". The problem is this sends the girls mixed signals. UGH. I am really depressed about this. DH has really unreasonable rules - he puts them in time out for the tiniest whine, and of course they will scream once in time out! I've told him before that we should try to just ignore whining 100% and he agrees that makes sense but he can't do it. Just can't. He also says things to the girls like "Next time you will be in here for 2 hours" as if they get what 2 hours means, and of course he doesn't follow through so they're empty threats that just drive me crazy and sour his mood.

Each weekend we go through this, which is why I don't enjoy my weekends, and feel the horrible guilt a mom feels from not wanting to spend time with her kids because it's miserable. Ugh. And - today I have not eaten ANYTHING yet. I let DH sleep in, got the girls breakfast, painted their nails, let them help me make cake for father's day. DH is grumpy, we've had 3 tantrums this morning (DD2, DD2, DD1), and I just want to cry. It doesn't help that the girls (esp DD2) are not independent at all. They won't just go play for 15 min by themselves. Thankfully they are "napping" now (not really - they are tearing up the bedroom) and I'm so tired I can't even bring myself to figure out something to eat - I just want to sit here!

[LMPC]

I only have 1 whiny three year old who pitches fits, so I can't imagine multiplying that by 2. And the way you have described your DDs' tantrums....whew, they are really intense. Before you start something new, IMO it sounds like you and DH need to sit down and talk about revamping your strategy. Get a babysitter and go out for drinks/icecream/burgers with him. Just for a couple of hours. I know you said he doesn't want to talk about it, but it doesn't sound like your current strategy is working (no judgement! Just reflecting what I hear you saying :)). DH tries to put DD in timeout over and over again....just doesn't work for her...so he and I talked about changing strategies. Now we are more of the ignore whining and pick our battles stage. GL -- this is not fun stuff!

[MamaKath]

Prevention is my best strategy. Once they are in midst, putting the child in a safe place and working on not engaging iskey for me.

In our family, dh can not take the sound (think misophonia) ofthe high pitch screaming of a tantrum. Ihandle them okay, but he has learned to help at times. Talking about strategies was key and not during a tantrum.

[ncat]

DH used to get out the video camera for DDs tantrums.
Once she figured out what he was doing, it definitely distracted her from whatever she was upset about!

[sunshine873]

I can hear your frustration that you & DH seem to have different strategies for how to handle the tantrums. I do think that there are bound to be subtle differences in the way each person parents, but overall - you really need to be on the same page.

I like LMPCs suggestion of getting a sitter and leaving the house together to discuss a strategy. If you can remove yourselves from the situation that'll help you both to discuss it rationally. I'd also suggest when you come to an agreement you actually write down your strategy. Maybe you could post it up in the house somewhere (or even on the back of a door or something.) Nothing complicated, just a quick outline with bullets, so when things are getting heated you/he can glance at it for a quick reminder. I think a unified front and consistency will go a long way - and at least then neither one of you will feel like you're fighting the battle alone.

[twowhat?]

I agree with you all that I need to discuss with DH. But I've tried and tried so many times before and it always ends up in a blow-up:( We're in a really bad place right now and I just wish DDs could grow out of this phase so DH and can crawl out of our hole. I just yelled at DH to go away because I can't even keep the girls out of his hair enough for him to stop snapping at them and doling out time-outs left and right. I've kept them out of the house and played with them on my own for the good part of the day, and finally snapped at him that he needs to give me a chance to give him a Father's Day where he's not grumpy all day and then I told him to go somewhere else.
UGH. Sorry, I really didn't want for this to turn into a b*tch but I am just so depressed about where I am right now:(

[mommyp]

:hug: So sorry you're dealing with this.
With regards to the whining, we play the "I can't understand what you're saying" card.
Such as: "I'm sorry DD, I can't understand you when you use that voice" or "Pardon me, could you repeat that?" until she uses her normal voice.
It is not easy!

[sunshine873]

I'm sorry. Marriages go through ups & downs and I really can't think of anything that's much more frustrating than 3-year old tantrums to test your sanity, not to mention the strength of a marriage! Hang in there, this too (the worse of the tantrums) shall pass. As for your marriage - that's something that I find needs continuous work. Sometimes things are great and happy, but since DD has come along, there have been multiple weeks and even multiple months at a time that have been a true struggle for our relationship. I don't have any advice other than trying to carve some time away from the girls (I need to take my own advice too) - but just wanted to respond and say that I do understand what it's like when you're busting your butt to help your kids, but things aren't working right away and it just turns into pointing fingers of blame. Hang in there...

[Philly Mom]

No advice but wanted to send you hugs.

[trcy]

OP, just came across this and thought of you. http://www.babycenter.com/0_tantrums_11569.bc?scid=mbtw_post17m_3w:1300&pe=MlVCa3NVSHwyMDEyMDYxNA.
Hope things are getting better.

[Simon]

First, don't feel guilty, there is nothing wrong with not wanting to spend time with your kids when they are acting badly. We have good friends whose 5yo throws some world class tantrums and I would seriously go crazy if I had to deal with those. I have also dreaded the long weekend during bad times and wished for day care to come soon. Honestly, it sounds like you're in a really rough place with Dh on top of everything else and, although its not causing the tantrums, I can hear that you feel frustrated that there isn't really an end in sight (yet).

Given the seemingly insurmountable differences between you and Dh, I would likely do something like revoke Dh's ability to discipline the girls. This may not fly in your house, but I'd point out that the girls need consistency, so I'm taking over until he can get on board.

I might also ask Dh to tell me what his vision is for the girls for the next 2 months. What does he want to do to fix the situation and just listen to whatever he says. In reality, I'd gnash my teeth and wait for a chance to interject some reality but I'd also try hard to learn whether we just have more underneath our different ways of approaching their behavior like a different idea of where we're going.

I'm really sorry that you don't have better support at home while you're dealing with this. Don't hold back looking for support here.

[twowhat?]

Thanks everyone - you are really my sounding board. I've got great friends but it's weird to talk to them about this stuff because they're also DH's friends, YKWIM? And I just finished dealing with another 45 min tantrum and I want to pull my hair out. I keep thinking if I'd known it'd be this bad I never would've had kids and just thinking it makes me cry.

Right now I think I need to figure out a way to not let the way DH handles tantrums bother me. If I think about it, we are both in agreement that tantrums need to be ignored, and we are both in agreement that if one person starts to deal with the tantrum, the other person shouldn't intervene. A lot of my issue is the stress I feel when he does things slightly differently from me and that is *my* issue. I need to not let the fact that it makes him grumpy bother me. And I just don't know how to do that.

Most of all, I really really just need DDs to stop screaming. I want a phase of no screaming!! Both babies had colic (6pm-9pm nonstop screaming), and then when they grew out of the colic DD1 screamed for an hour after every afternoon nap. I took her to the ped because I thought something must be wrong, we tried reflux meds...nothing worked and then she suddenly grew out of that...and then the terrible twos started and I remember phase upon phase of waking up filled with dread, knowing that I'd be dealing with cranky toddlers...and now the terrible 3s which really started with DD2, but DD1 is just now ramping up. And the twins thing really makes it hard too - it's not just 2 kids...it's 2 kids who want EXACTLY the same thing at EXACTLY the same time, day after day. Who are with each other virtually 24/7 with parents too exhausted to consistently be able to get them out separate from each other. I just want to enjoy my kids consistently. Not just for a few hours here and there. I want to look forward to evenings and weekends. I want to be able to entertain the idea of taking a vacation with them. We've NEVER taken them for a vacation - NEVER! I want to be able to look forward to planning a vacation without just being filled with dread. Just recently we both had to travel for work and had 3 grandparents stay with the girls for 2 nights, and it just made my heart hurt a little to see how exhausted my mom was after that even though they behaved very well, so we are really really reluctant to ask grandparents for babysitting unless absolutely necessary (like when DH and I both travel at the same time).

I know it'll get there...

Seriously, thank you so much for listening - it makes a big difference. It's hard to vent IRL because I don't want to come across as a sourpuss...my friends are busy and have things of their own that they need to deal with and I just feel like I SHOULD be able to deal with this myself, you know? I mean, lots of other parents deal with this!!

I guess I don't mind being a sourpuss here:)