I yell too much

[arivecchi]

Yesterday the kids were driving me crazy. They were not listening at all and dragging everything - dinner time, play time, bath time, bedtime - and I had a ton of work to do last night so I needed them to go to bed early. DH had to work late, so he was not around to help. At one point I just yelled at them because it's what finally gets their attention and I was so frustrated at that point. And then my 3 yo starts to cry saying that I scared him. :( UGH. Worst mommy in the world moment right there. On top of that, they ended up going to bed at 10 with all the brouhaha. Double UGH.

How do you control your temper at moments like that? I must admit that I think I need to be much better about this. My dad was a yeller and I seem to have gotten this lovely trait from him (although he was insane - totally volatile and did it constantly). I do want to put a lid on this and I also do not want the kids to be yellers. Help me be more zen please. How do you put a lid on things when you are at your breaking point?

[TwinFoxes]

I have literally put myself in time out. I will tell them "mommy needs a moment" and go into the office and close the door, and pray they don't burn down the house.

Even though I'm not a yeller in general, my kids do find a way to make me yell (for example, I believe I've made my position clear on using our Boxer as a horse...apparently there's still some question in their mind if that's OK, and I yell). And I grew up with an insane yelling dad too, so whenever I hear myself doing it I cringe.

You're not a bad mom, you're awesome. :hug:

[Giantbear]

the rule of 5. When you feel yourself on the verge of losing control, slowly count to five, breathing in and out deeply between each number.

[mommylamb]

I think pretty much everyone yells some of the time as a parent. I'm not a huge yeller, but I do talk very sternly and get exasperated sometimes, and later look back at that moment and I know I could have handled it better. If you scared DS2, it's only because you're not usually a yeller, so it was out of the normal order of things for him to hear you raise your voice. That in and of itself means that you're not like your dad.

We all lose our temper sometimes. I don't think you did anything wrong. There are a lot of other ways one could have dealt with it that would have been far worse. But, I totally hear ya because I know I lose my temper with DS1 sometimes because he's not listening and then I feel so badly about it because really, he's such a good boy in the grand scheme of things.

[123LuckyMom]

I feel your pain!!!!! I give warnings. I tell DS I'm getting angry. I tell him to look at my face and see that I'm upset. I make my voice very quiet, and I tell him that if he doesn't listen to me right away, I am going to lose it. I repeat what i want. Then I count out loud to three. If he still doesn't listen, I yell. He usually acts all surprised and shocked that I actually followed through, but he listens. Meanwhile, the process has calmed me down so that I'm not actually as angry as I was. Then my yell is really more volume than anger. Then I ask him in a calm voice to remember that I had warned him, that he didn't hear me, and that there would be no yelling if he could listen when I ask the first time. If I can, I give myself time outs. I go to the bathroom, take a deep breath, and formulate a plan. I find I yell less and less if, when I notice I'm getting really angry, I tell DS I need a hug right away. Unless I've already made him angry, he'll hug. It diffuses the whole situation. I calm down, and he's ready to listen. I almost always hug now instead of yell. It works, and that's the important thing!

[almostmom]

I think the biggest thing is recognizing it, which you have done.

Years ago I realized that yelling for everyone to get their shoes on didn't make it happen any faster. So realizing when it doesn't work, and eliminating that kind of yelling has decreased it significantly in my house. I also recognized that DS just doesn't respond to that, but he does respond to a hand on the shoulder and being told face to face what to do. Sometimes it takes that effort of walking up to the child instead of yelling from across the house. We also talked to DS about that, and he agreed to listen when talked to with a hand on his shoulder. It even worked for awhile!

Good luck - we all do it. Just recognize when it's happening, and well, stop. At least, that's what I do. Yelling doesn't make me feel better anyway, even though I think it will i the moment...

[pastrygirl]

:bag

I go to bed with a sore throat from yelling/screaming several times a week...

ETA: I keep wishing I had one of those air horns (or whatever they're called) to give my throat a rest. But I know that's not a good solution, either!

[MontrealMum]

I hear you, and it's not easy. I also grew up with a dad who yelled a lot. In addition to just yelling, he also berated and belittled. I do NOT want DS experiencing that.

I've found that DS pushes less if we're consistent with our discipline and expectations. We were having a lot of whining, backtalk, and tantrums because DH was much more lenient than I am, and also he gives permission for things w/o thinking it through. And then takes it back. Obviously, this doesn't go over well. DH and I have been working to be more of a team in how we deal with DS and it's beginning to show in DS' behavior.

I still have days like you described, though, where I'm ready to pull my hair out. And that's when putting myself in a mommy timeout can help. He won't always let me be by myself, but often he will, and that gives me time to calm down and pull myself together a bit.

[Beth24]

Honestly, for me, it is something I have to work on controlling every day. I lose my patience really easily esp with one of my children who just seems to push my buttons. Some days are better than others I have to say! I am just really mindful all the time of my fuse and on most days I can stop myself from going to that angry place. Most of the times I am successful, but I always apologize to my kids afterwards and we talk about losing control, mommy not being perfect etc. when I am not. :hug: don't beat yourself up for this one. As PP suggested, recognizing the issue is the most important step. And you already have. :)

[roseyloxs]

BTDT. Yelling almost always happens when I am trying to get something done. The kids can be acting exactly the same as usual but I perceive it differently as if they are intentionally trying to throw wrenches into my plan.

Things are not going to magically get done faster because you need them to. I would cut something out like playtime or bathtime (probably playtime). Try and keep dinner and bathtime running like normal without seeming rushed. With playtime cut out you have extra time to burn, theoretically. You can even just let bathtime be playtime. Get them ready for the bath and then bring your laptop in and start getting some work done. Just let the kids play until they are ready to get out. They don't have to be scrubbed at every bath, who cares, its just one night. I bet the bath will even go quicker if you aren't paying attention to the time.

I would then read an extra book so the kids think you took extra time to put them to bed. It can even be an incentive to get pj's on quicker... "let's get our pj's on so we have time to read 3 books tonight".

In the end we all yell sometimes. Stress happens. Its a good time to just apologize and be an example for your kids. Show them how you want them to act once they realize they got mad and made a mistake. :hug: We all have terrible mommy moments. I tend to take deep (I am so annoyed right now) signs instead of yelling sometimes which my DS now does too and I find it terribly funny.

[daphne]

I think pretty much everyone yells some of the time as a parent. I'm not a huge yeller, but I do talk very sternly and get exasperated sometimes, and later look back at that moment and I know I could have handled it better. If you scared DS2, it's only because you're not usually a yeller, so it was out of the normal order of things for him to hear you raise your voice. That in and of itself means that you're not like your dad.

We all lose our temper sometimes. I don't think you did anything wrong. There are a lot of other ways one could have dealt with it that would have been far worse. But, I totally hear ya because I know I lose my temper with DS1 sometimes because he's not listening and then I feel so badly about it because really, he's such a good boy in the grand scheme of things.

I totally agree. I'm not a yeller by nature, but I think all of us are human & can only take so much. I don't advocate yelling, but sometimes it's what gets their attention (esp if, like you, you don't yell often).

[arivecchi]

Thanks all for the super helpful pointers. I will definitely try some if not all of these techniques!


Most of the times I am successful, but I always apologize to my kids afterwards and we talk about losing control, mommy not being perfect etc. when I am not. I definitely do this. I always end up hugging them and apologizing, but it would be awesome if the explosion did not happen in the first place.


BTDT. Yelling almost always happens when I am trying to get something done. The kids can be acting exactly the same as usual but I perceive it differently as if they are intentionally trying to throw wrenches into my plan. You are so right. It was the stress of knowing I had a 200 page document to read after the kids went to bed that had me behaving like a lunatic. I think I need to just not work in the evenings as much as possible and get up early instead, because you are right, there is no point in trying to rush them in the evening since when it's their relax/wind-down time.

Thanks all!

[hillview]

BTDT. Yelling almost always happens when I am trying to get something done. The kids can be acting exactly the same as usual but I perceive it differently as if they are intentionally trying to throw wrenches into my plan.


:yeahthat:

I yell often. Not in a usually mean/super angry way or ever in a belittling way but still it is yelling. I find sometimes taking it down a notch -- speaking more quietly helps me. If I stop the other thing I am doing and deal with the child/issue only. My kids tend to act up if I am doing the dishes, doing email etc. I set a timer -- gets it off my plate and on to theirs. I have sent them to their room for a longer than usual period of time.

Good luck. I wish I yelled less and am working on it!

[infomama]

When I get to that point I choose to shut my mouth. I used to let my emotions just get the best of me but I don't want to be that person. It hurts me, them...it just sucks all around. I don't want my kids to remember me yelling at them.

Sometimes I have to leave the room but ususally I just make a mindful decision to be quiet or speak to them like human beings that deserve to be treated well...even if they are out of hand.

That being said I do set parameters (ex. keep the doors open when you are playing upstairs, be kind to each other, no pillow fights or jumping off the beds) first, then I warn by *going to where they are*. I realized that yelling my warning usually just aggravated me and wasn't as effective as a face to face warning.

I'm not perfect but I do believe I can succesfully parent without yelling.

[StantonHyde]

YOu know, sometimes some yelling is ok. I think it is ok to realize that mommy is losing it because of their behavior. Not all the time. But there are times. A little fear isn't a bad thing, I have decided. Now we joke about it--you better get your shoes on or I am going to become the were mommy. They laugh but they get it. If they are being really obnoxious, I do the frustrated mommy dance and we all laugh or I "threaten" to throw a shoe at them. They laugh but they know it means I am getting exasperated and that they need to get a move on. So I mix humor in there. If I really lose it, we get to have a big talking, apology, make up session. And I never belittle--not fair, not ok.

[happymom]

Didn't read all the replies, but first of all :hug:. When I find myself on the verge of yelling, a lot of times I think- "She's just being a 3 year old. She's just being 3 year old...." It's my new mantra :) Sounds silly but for some reason it really helps me change perspective and calm down. And a 5-minute timeout for me never hurts either!

[brittone2]

As you know I'm a big "gentle discipline" type of parent, but I still have to fight the urge to yell daily. And i often lose ;)

It happens. You recognize that you don't want to do it, which is big. I know in my case, I strive for gentle discipline. It doesn't mean I don't ever yell, kwim? I just know that yelling rarely works around here anyway, and while it happens from time to time, I know it isn't how I *want* to parent. So I try to work on it. A lot.

Situations like you describe where I'm "under the gun" in terms of time and stuff that needs to be taken care of is a BIG trigger for me.

If we have to be somewhere, I leave a LOT of margin as I don't find myself as frustrated that way. Bedtime when DH is out of town? I usually start bedtime waaaay early. Like 6:30-6:45. They are usually in bed by 8 and I start at 7:15-7:30. When Daddy is away I bump it up way early and if we have extra time, I read an extra chapter of a book to the kids. I am way less stressed that way.

But yeah, you can't always plan for it, you can't always avoid feeling crunched, and those days I struggle with yelling.

My kids hear me apologize when I feel like I've screwed up. They are quite forgiving :heartbeat:

[arivecchi]

Thanks again everyone! Glad to know I am not the only one struggling with this issue!

Brittone, thanks for the idea. I will try to allow for more time when we have to do something by a certain time. That will probably help a lot as well.

You guys are brilliant! :)

[twowhat?]

I am SOOOO not a yeller. Ask anyone who knows me - I simply do not like conflict. Yelling would be on the list of "least likely to expect" from me. In fact, I tend to bottle up my emotions.

But my kids can make me yell. And I'm talking scream at the top of my lungs yell.

I get it. Here's a hug.:hug:

eta: and I'm going to steal your idea of waking up early in the morning when I have extra work vs trying to get it all done after they are in bed - that would take the edge off of the bedtime routine FOR SURE!!!

[chiisai]

I need to mentally prepare myself when we all get home from work/school/daycare, to get through the evening tasks (preparing dinners, eating dinners, some days baths, any other necessities)

I find when I don't have alternatives, or consequences, top of mind I end up skipping to the yell.

So, I set an alarm at 5:45pm that is basically a reminder to run through my head the things that happen during this time that set me off.

This helps me get my tools in order in my head (whether they be offering them to help with something we are doing, changing where they play, or the 1,2,3 then you get to "chill out" on the stairs doing something quiet for a bit - we have books and stuffed animals).

And sometimes I still end up yelling. Particularly after a horrid day at work and I am just. burnt. out., or if my neck is in pain, etc. When I do it, I apologize for losing it.

My all time go-to reference is "how to talk so kids will listen and how to listen so kids will talk (http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1340397326&sr=8-1&keywords=how+to+talk+so+kids+will+listen+%26+liste n+so+kids+will+talk)." I read this book long before having kids, and now that I have them I reference it periodically (sometimes a lot) when we are going through a rough patch and I either need a pep talk, refresher, or to find something that wasn't relevant to us before but oh it so is now. Some of the examples are not quite up-to-date, but can easily still work in today's world, in my opinion.