Sanity check - does this sound weird (IL related)

[janine]

I have issues with the IL's...they are passive aggressive, and in my opionon have issues with me but of course they only act out passively.

Anyway, DH's side basically makes minimal effort does not see our kids much even though our youngest is only 8 months old (seen her maybe 2x).

My family is very involved, my mother watches my kids while I work. I work from home on Fridays. Both families are one hour away from us.

Anyway, his mother is finally making the effort to visit but is visiting on Thursday, when I am not home. DH is taking the day off. My mom will be there by default.

I find this odd - what is wrong with Friday when I'm home? And I'm irritated because I do not want my mom to feel like she must host. DH says it's just the easiest day and he has things to do so was taking Thusday off anyway so his mom chose that day. Not sure what is wrong with weekends either.

So I'm starting to fume a bit, but wanted a sanity check. Not much I can do or say (out loud) about this anyway, it's the same old crap!!!

[wellyes]

I would guess he mentioned he'd be home home Thursday, and she was free that day too, so she thought it would be a good time to visit so she could see both her son and her grandchild. Don't read more into it or let it drive you crazy.

[janine]

You're might be right. Just seems odd to me that she chooses a random day when I am not home. And I just really feel guilty making my mom feel like she has to host (just how my mom is, she'll end getting tea, cookies, watch the kids so they can talk).

I am home every Friday and of course wkeneds, just don't get it.

[boolady]

Well, my FIL purposefully used to come see DH and DD on their day at home together during the week when I was at work, I'm sure, because it happened so often that it was no coincidence. After being irritated by it at the beginning, I realized that in the end, it was actually great. We didn't spend our only weekend day together (DH used to work every Saturday) sitting around, as that's all FIL does, with FIL, with me getting more and more annoyed at him by the second, and I didn't have to deal with him. I think in the end this may work out very well for you-- DC gets to see granmother without you having to deal with her.

That said, I often used to take DD to see my parents on Saturdays while DH was working, but it wasn't because DH didn't want to see them or because they didn't want to see him-- it was just convenient. Either way, I see it as a win-win.

[infocrazy]

Maybe she thought because you are working from home on Friday, it was a BAD day to visit, not good. When I have the occasional opportunity to work from home, it is still a work day for me, so although I probably would have let her come, I would have been frustrated at not getting stuff done for work.

Why does your mom need to be there? I'd give your mom the day off and let DH/MIL watch the kids. Maybe you can all do dinner.

[boolady]

Why does your mom need to be there? I'd give your mom the day off and let DH/MIL watch the kids. Maybe you can all do dinner.

Yeah, sorry, I missed this. I would let my mom have a day off and let your DH and MIL deal.

[janine]

thanks all.

In my opinion my mom doesn't have to be there, but I just know how things go- DH and his mom will have lunch and then my mom gets to stick around and watch the kids so his mom can leave at her leisure and DH can get errands done. I'm making a point (nicely) to DH that it sounds great but maybe my mom can use this as an opportunity to leave early so they can have some time together and see/watch the kids. Hoping he doesn't make that piece difficult. If I was there be different - I would have no problem hosting and watching the kids obviously, but not happy about putting my mom in that role.

I get that this set up could make things easier in the end, but I guess I"m finding it a bit hurtful. As much as I say the IL's don't like me, it was never admitted to so this kind of stings in that maybe it's confirmation.

[Philly Mom]

I am not sure I would take this as a sign your MIL does not like you. My mom is coming to visit tonight after work and my DH is working late. Today is just a day when I can leave early and she is also free to make the drive. It has nothing to do about my DH. I think I was the one who suggested today too. Perhaps it is a bit more innocent.

I would also tell your mom to take the day off (although I say that and I would be nervous if I didn't think the other adults would be paying proper attention to the kids).

[hillview]

I would guess he mentioned he'd be home home Thursday, and she was free that day too, so she thought it would be a good time to visit so she could see both her son and her grandchild. Don't read more into it or let it drive you crazy.

:yeahthat:

sorry it sucks but I agree with the above.

[janine]

I am not sure I would take this as a sign your MIL does not like you. My mom is coming to visit tonight after work and my DH is working late. Today is just a day when I can leave early and she is also free to make the drive. It has nothing to do about my DH. I think I was the one who suggested today too. Perhaps it is a bit more innocent.

I would also tell your mom to take the day off (although I say that and I would be nervous if I didn't think the other adults would be paying proper attention to the kids).

True, but is there any tension between your DH and your mom? In a normal situation it probably would seem harmless. I just think it's odd, I am home literally 24hrs after she visits, but by visiting on a Thurs it complicates things. My baby will definitely be a bit off being watched by MIL (going through stranger danger phase) but in a way that's how it is so maybe a wake up call for MIL. I did mention giving my mom the "day off" (well just leaving early) to DH and he was quiet and said he figured she'd stay for lunch. Which she might, but my point is my mom should have the option to leave, not feel obligated. That's my role, not my mom's (to host, watch over...).

Urgh, thanks for the help though. I'm probably overly sensitive, but this issue (IL visits or lack of) just gets me so angry.

[Philly Mom]

My DH and Mom have a good relationship but he does get sensitive to both my parents. My SIL just makes herself apart of things and my parents,especially my mom, react positively to that. My DH is quieter and more of an introvert. He is an only child so would never interrupt to speak, something that is needed in my family if you want to get a point across. He did make a comment about my mom coming when he was never going to see her. My parents live two hours away and have historically been bad about coming here, wanting us to go there. They have become better. Anyway, this is a long way of me saying that sometimes my DH is sensitive about his relationship with my parents, especially my mom, and he clearly had a moment when I said she was coming today.

[TwinFoxes]

True, but is there any tension between your DH and your mom? In a normal situation it probably would seem harmless. I just think it's odd, I am home literally 24hrs after she visits, but by visiting on a Thurs it complicates things. My baby will definitely be a bit off being watched by MIL (going through stranger danger phase) but in a way that's how it is so maybe a wake up call for MIL. I did mention giving my mom the "day off" (well just leaving early) to DH and he was quiet and said he figured she'd stay for lunch.

I still don't get why your mom can't just take the day off, why can't your DH watch them all day?

As for the main issue, if you look for insults you're bound to find them. If you let things like this bother you, the relationship with your MIL is never going to get better.

[MMMommy]

I'd rather MIL be there when I'm NOT there. :innocent:

I wouldn't take it as a slight to you. Since DH is taking the day off, perhaps she thought it would be the best day for her to visit. That way she gets in some quality time with her own son and grandchildren at the same time.

[janine]

I still don't get why your mom can't just take the day off, why can't your DH watch them all day?

As for the main issue, if you look for insults you're bound to find them. If you let things like this bother you, the relationship with your MIL is never going to get better.

Ok point taken. Maybe I'm letting my own issues/strained situation color my initial reaction and it's more harmless than intentional. Thanks.

Regarding DH, he had planned to take the day off to do some errands. I assume this meant my mom watches the kids like any other day and he is not around and when he is done and back home, she leaves for the day - which would probably have been an hr or so earlier than the norm. But with his mom coming, and them eating lunch visiting kids - it makes sense to me that my mom takes off and DH (with or without MIL) watches kids the rest of the day. If I do not make a point of suggesting this however (which I am in the process of doing right now - not hearing much back), DH and MIL will assume that they just come and go and my mom is there to pick up whenever. Should seem obvious and easy, but unfortunately is not..

[janine]

My DH and Mom have a good relationship but he does get sensitive to both my parents. My SIL just makes herself apart of things and my parents,especially my mom, react positively to that. My DH is quieter and more of an introvert. He is an only child so would never interrupt to speak, something that is needed in my family if you want to get a point across. He did make a comment about my mom coming when he was never going to see her. My parents live two hours away and have historically been bad about coming here, wanting us to go there. They have become better. Anyway, this is a long way of me saying that sometimes my DH is sensitive about his relationship with my parents, especially my mom, and he clearly had a moment when I said she was coming today.

Thanks - I'm also an introvert and had a moment over this, so your DH and I might have this piece in common!