Can you help me navagate this w/ DD and a friend?

[alien_host]

I hesitate to post anything about this because it is about a very good friend of mine, but I need a sounding board. My friend has 2 kids who are very close in age to DD. DD is a classmate of the older DC and the younger is one grade behind. We have been friends w/ this family for several years now.

Lately when we get together, the younger child gets very "possessive" of my DD and gets very angry when my DD talks to or plays with the older sibling (or other kids at the playground). Lately the younger sibling has been getting in my DD's face and screaming, "why do you hate me?" or will ask me, "why does she hate me?". First of all, I despise the word "hate", but aside from that it really is a bit harsh. My DD does not "hate" this child, she loves both of the kids and she isn't even really favoring one over the other. Both the mom and I have tried to explain that my DD does not "hate" her.

Other issues have been complete meltdowns of the younger sibling over what they play, if younger sibling loses the game a fit ensues. I know this can be typical behavior for a 6 year old, but it really is extreme and now my DD almost feels uncomfortable playing with them because each time the younger sibling is upset about something (to the point of being hysterically crying).

I don't know what to do, DD seems to get a bit stressed when we are together because she just wants to have fun with her friends and is trying to "be equal", but that is hard when one person feels that anything you do with someone else is "not equal". I do see my DD trying to spend "extra" time w/ the younger one etc. but that is stressful for her too since she just wants to have fun with everyone.

I'm just wondering if anyone has any advise? Is this just a phase? Will it pass? What can I do to make it more pleasant for everyone as it's a long summer!

TIA!

[boolady]

Maybe this is just avoiding the eventual discussion, but could you cut back on the frequency with which the girls have playdates for a little while and see if things get any better? What is your friend's response to her DD's behavior? Do structured activities work better? I realize these are not answers, just ideas. I hope someone else who has been there can help you a bit more.

[wellyes]

I am a firm believer in letting kids work things out for themselves (aside from bullying). I would let your DD be in charge here. Including NOT going on playdates if she doesn't want to. At the same time, in private, you can role play with her ways to deal with the friend who is making her uncomfortable.

[crl]

I have to admit I would hope it is a phase and might try to work around it for a few months. Would it work better to go to movies or out to eat where there is less free play time? And to maybe not meet as often for a bit? Do you know if this is something that is coming up in other contexts too or if it is just your dd?

Catherine

[JustMe]

Since it seems your friend is aware that there is an issue (you say both of you have tried to talk to her younger dd), I think you are okay to talk about it sensitively with her. You can say it seems to be stressful for everyone. Is is possible for her to send one of her children on a different playdate while the rest of you get together?

I agree it can be in the range of normal. Every family has its dynamics and it may be rough for that younger child to be so close in age, but not quite the same as her older sibling. This will probably pass, and while there are skills she can learn to help her cope sometimes its good to just have a break from the stress. That, and of course, its only her parents' place to decide if she needs to learn skills.

If your friend does not think a separate playdate is possible, I would see what her other suggestions are. As I said, it does seems she is aware there is an issue too so it does not seem risky or intrusive to bring it up directly. JMHO.

[alien_host]

First of all, thank you for your responses...it helps to "talk out loud" with this...


Maybe this is just avoiding the eventual discussion, but could you cut back on the frequency with which the girls have playdates for a little while and see if things get any better? What is your friend's response to her DD's behavior? Do structured activities work better? I realize these are not answers, just ideas. I hope someone else who has been there can help you a bit more.

My friend sort of laughs off the response and trys to tell her DC that she is being silly. I don't think she is saying it isn't an issue, but perhaps her way of dealing with it. yes, sometimes structured activities do work better, but not always.


I am a firm believer in letting kids work things out for themselves (aside from bullying). I would let your DD be in charge here. Including NOT going on playdates if she doesn't want to. At the same time, in private, you can role play with her ways to deal with the friend who is making her uncomfortable.

For the most part DD tries to work it out with the other child, but often the other child is so over the edge and upset that even when DD tries to explain that she is not ignoring her etc. it doesn't work. But yes, if DD says she does not want to see them for a while, I will honor that request. I asked DD how it made her feel when it happened the past few times and she did say it made her feel sad/frustrated. Part of it is that I'm not sure what DD can do to "fix it" or make it better....even if DD inititates something with the child and plays with her directly, the child can get upset.


I have to admit I would hope it is a phase and might try to work around it for a few months. Would it work better to go to movies or out to eat where there is less free play time? And to maybe not meet as often for a bit? Do you know if this is something that is coming up in other contexts too or if it is just your dd?

Catherine

I think it does happen with other kids, but mostly w/ DD. Movies could work and eating out can work, but it can also still lead to issues. DD sits between the two kids and might talk with one more....this is just normal kid converstaions but this child takes it very personally if DD doesn't spend equal or more time talking with her.


Since it seems your friend is aware that there is an issue (you say both of you have tried to talk to her younger dd), I think you are okay to talk about it sensitively with her. You can say it seems to be stressful for everyone. Is is possible for her to send one of her children on a different playdate while the rest of you get together?

I agree it can be in the range of normal. Every family has its dynamics and it may be rough for that younger child to be so close in age, but not quite the same as her older sibling. This will probably pass, and while there are skills she can learn to help her cope sometimes its good to just have a break from the stress. That, and of course, its only her parents' place to decide if she needs to learn skills.

If your friend does not think a separate playdate is possible, I would see what her other suggestions are. As I said, it does seems she is aware there is an issue too so it does not seem risky or intrusive to bring it up directly. JMHO.

I do not think my friend would agree to a separate playdate, mostly because she does not want to drop off her older child somewhere and since we are friends she is unlikely to just drop off her younger child with me (i.e. since we like to chat etc). It is not likely to happen to be honest, but that would be a good way to see if things could work out better.

Things do work better if there are four kids together vs 3, the problem is I only have one so I cannot offer a second child to be a "partner" so to speak with this child. I could suggest that my friend invite another friend along with kids for either her younger or older child, but that can be a mixed bag too.

I think my friend and I also have to remember to keep playdates short, make sure kids aren't hungry or too hot. Those factors can play in too.

I appreciate the suggestions. I'll just have to keep working on it and maybe a short break will help everyone?