Need help with my DS and my sister

[siri]

My sister (Dee) loves my son. She will drive two hrs once or twice a month to come and visit us. She can be very engaging, spends time with him, will go to parks, and occasionally bring toys.

But my DS who is 3 1/2 is very cold/mean to her at times and it is really hurting her feelings and I am worried it is beginning to negatively impact their relationship and the amount of time she spends with us. DS will say "NO, Aunt Dee!," refuse to give her hugs or kisses, and say "I am not sharing my toys or things with her." I have tried talking to him about how it hurts Aunt Dee's feelings when he says things like that and he responds by saying "I don't like Aunt Dee. I have also tried praising him when he is nice, scolding him when he is mean, time outs, and ignoring the behavior.

I don't know what else to do. I am really upset about this because I feel like DS is completely ignored by his dad and his side of the family, so his only family consists of me, my parents, and sister and her husband. Dee knows that he is only 3 but it is still hurting her feelings so much that I think she is going to start to spend less and less time with us.

Any suggestions?

[hillview]

does he say why he doesn't like her? Is there something fun like ice cream that she could be in charge of? Honestly it could just be a phase. Kids are funny like that.

[Giantbear]

what is there interaction outside of her visits? maybe weekly skype sessions and phone calls so she is less of a stranger when she visits. When she visits, is there any change to his schedule, losing his room, not being able to watch his tv show or something like that?

[hellokitty]

That's hard. Could it be that he finds your sister to be over-stimulating and he finds it overwhelming? Can they just chill out and do something like watch a movie together or ice cream?

[siri]

I keep hoping it is a phase also, but my sister said the phase has lasted 3 1/2 years so far! He probably started about 2years ago, saying "No, Aunt Dee!" We first thought it was just funny but it is getting progressively worse. Nothing bad has ever happened and he never gives a reason for what he is saying.

I think she feels she is trying really hard but lately I feel like she is just not putting in much effort. Maybe, unconsciously she has had enough and is pulling away. DS loves my sister's husband and often prefers him to her. He is very hands on, gets on the floor, throws him in the air and chases him around. He likes his others aunts, whom he sees every few months. My sister feels very upset because she loves him so much and she feels so hurt by him.

He hates to talk on the phone or skype so that is out. When she does play with him, he really enjoys it. He is just mean when it comes to hugs, kisses, and saying things like "I don't like Aunt Dee or I am not going to share with her." It doesn't make any sense.

[chlobo]

My daughter (8) is this way with my mother. I think she finds some of the things my mom does off-putting and often my mom will try to force her to do stuff - like kiss her. Although she doesn't mean to, my mom often behaves in a manipulative way (its all she knows) and it just doesn't work for my daughter.

Could there be something about her behavior that bothers your son?

[pinkmomagain]

From reading your posts, maybe she is too affectionate with him for his taste? Maybe she can come up with some type of silly thing to do when they say hello and goodbye (highfives or silly face/gesture)...and no affection in between. If she backs off with the affection, maybe he'll get more comfortable with her.

My DN hated hugs and kisses. Then eventually he would give me his head to kiss. In the last year or so (he's 13 now) he gives the best hugs ever. I never would've guessed it years ago.

[Giantbear]

I keep hoping it is a phase also, but my sister said the phase has lasted 3 1/2 years so far! He probably started about 2years ago, saying "No, Aunt Dee!" We first thought it was just funny but it is getting progressively worse. Nothing bad has ever happened and he never gives a reason for what he is saying.

I think she feels she is trying really hard but lately I feel like she is just not putting in much effort. Maybe, unconsciously she has had enough and is pulling away. DS loves my sister's husband and often prefers him to her. He is very hands on, gets on the floor, throws him in the air and chases him around. He likes his others aunts, whom he sees every few months. My sister feels very upset because she loves him so much and she feels so hurt by him.

He hates to talk on the phone or skype so that is out. When she does play with him, he really enjoys it. He is just mean when it comes to hugs, kisses, and saying things like "I don't like Aunt Dee or I am not going to share with her." It doesn't make any sense.I find with dd sometimes the more we push something , the more she reacts negatively to it, but if we ignore it and don't mention it, she does it on her own. Next visit, tell her to play with him, but no one mention huggs or kisses at all. Not even once. See what happens when you ignore it.

[lmh2402]

I keep hoping it is a phase also, but my sister said the phase has lasted 3 1/2 years so far! He probably started about 2years ago, saying "No, Aunt Dee!" We first thought it was just funny but it is getting progressively worse. Nothing bad has ever happened and he never gives a reason for what he is saying.

I think she feels she is trying really hard but lately I feel like she is just not putting in much effort. Maybe, unconsciously she has had enough and is pulling away. DS loves my sister's husband and often prefers him to her. He is very hands on, gets on the floor, throws him in the air and chases him around. He likes his others aunts, whom he sees every few months. My sister feels very upset because she loves him so much and she feels so hurt by him.

He hates to talk on the phone or skype so that is out. When she does play with him, he really enjoys it. He is just mean when it comes to hugs, kisses, and saying things like "I don't like Aunt Dee or I am not going to share with her." It doesn't make any sense.

no suggestions, but just to say that this is almost the exact same situation with my sister and her husband

my sister bends over backward to engage DS and he will be very open with his disdain. and i really have no idea why

HOWEVER, he is constantly seeking attention and time from her husband and from my brothers.

when we are all together he will say things like, "i love uncle t and uncle j and uncle r SO much!" and if i say, "and what about aunt c?" (the only one he leaves out!), he'll say, "NO!" or sometimes he'll say, "yeah, her too." or, "i only like boys. and girls like you and mima" (mima, is my mom)

it's a tough situation and it's awkward b/c i know my sister's feelings are hurt. i hope things smooth out for you guys...and for us...at some point.

[maestramommy]

Agree with pp that maybe she should just play with him, forget the hugs and kisses. Some kids just don't like the hugs and kisses, from people besides mom and dad. I know my 3yo is very capricious. she has a ball playing with the teen girls at church, but when they ask her for a hug goodbye or even hello, she acts like they are strangers. she is very affectionate with me, her sisters, some of her cousins, but girls at church (whom she sees quite often!) nope. Dora was like that too until well after 3. Arwyn loves to give and receive hugs from almost anybody she knows fairly well.

Kisses are something else though. They only ask Dh and me for kisses.

[Green_Tea]

Growing up I did not like my maternal grandmother at all. I can't tell you why, because she was really a lovely person, but I just didn't. And I had a really hard time pretending. She tried very hard, but somehow that made me like her even less. I still feel really bad about it now, as an adult, but as a kid I just couldn't help it. She rubbed me the wrong way.

In your case, I'd employ a bit of reverse psychology. I'd have your sister stop trying so hard and instead focus on enjoying her time with you. Maybe your DS will come around, and maybe he won't, but I bet he'll be more interested in her if she's not so interested in him.

[buddyleebaby]

I would second not asking him to do anything he isn't inclined to do on his own. No "Give Aunt Dee a hug and kiss" or "Show Aunt Dee your toy" or "Tell Aunt Dee what you did yesterday". He may be genuinely uncomfortable or the attention he knows he will get from his actions may be turning into somewhat or a power struggle...that's how three year olds are.

FWIW, my sister is my best friend. My daughters adore her. My son, from the time he was a tiny baby, really did not want much to do with her. He would give her suspicious looks way more often than he would ever give her a hug. This past April, we went to Disney World and while DH and the kids and I were on Splash Mountain, she took him to one of the gift shops and bought him a bunch of pirate stuff. Now Aunt K is his favorite person in the world, seriously. My sister said that if she knew she could buy his love, she would have done it a couple of years ago. :ROTFLMAO:

[siri]

Thanks! I had a talk with DS and he told me he doesn't like Aunt Dee because he doesn't like to share his mommy, grandma, and grandpa with her. So it sounds like he is jealous. Which is weird because when he is around, he gets most of our attention. My sister and I rarely get to talk when he is around and will catch up during his nap time. But, I have gone for day trips to visit my sister without him so maybe he remembers those and is upset. He has never mentioned this before.