Pls help me walk through this decision: stay or go home

[amldaley]

I just need to voice this out and get some feedback...

We moved in to our rental June 8 and did not receive our household goods and furniture until June 25. The movers seriously botched everything. Those 2 1/2 weeks were pretty stressful...DD1 got Strep, DD2 had a relapse of bronchialitis and was diagnosed with laryngomalacia in addition to her reflux. My mom left before our delivery, so I have had no help with the girls. I can not afford to put DD1 in full time care. We are living in a maze of boxes, having downsized from 2600 sq ft to under 1700. And the movers took most of the useful furniture to storage, so we have no place to put the contents of boxes when we unpack.

Add to that the fact that we STILL don't have our house on the market and we will be out of money for house payments this month. Long, long story but we have a TON of paperwork to do, and, again, I can't ever get around to doing it with an angry, needy, not-handling-the-move well almost 4 year old and a sick 4 month old. We have to order tax returns, fill out HUGE packets for two banks, etc.

Our power was restored faster than most of the area here, so we have A/C, so we are lucky. But we have to toss most of the fridge contents and replace. We are sort of waiting until the grocery stores replace their cold goods, as well. Which also means no eating out as restaurants here have to wait for shipments of new food, etc. Some parts of our area still do not have power after 3 days.

My mom has offered to fly me and the girls home to Seattle. I have not been home in more than 5 years and I am desperate to be there. The cooler temperatures alone would be worth it. I could not afford this on my own but I hate to take advantage of her...she does not have money to waste, either.

If we went home, I would want to stay for a month to be there for DD1's 4th birthday and my 20th HS reunion. But a month at my moms condo...no kiddie TV, no toys. We would use my moms car which is more than 10 years old. And the kitchen would be an issue - my mother and I have major food issues...she saves everything and eats rotten food and I, um...don't. (She was born in Poland in 1939, it is how they survived the war, and her generation just lives that way still). I would, however, get to be HOME, see my friends, my brother and DD1 could finally meet her cousin.

I guess I could take the bank paperwork with me. And send some clothes and toys out ahead of us via UPS.

Thoughts?

How do I fly with a 4 year old and a 4 month old?

Do I just leave this mess here for DH to clean up? (He is fine with us going).

Do I basically tell my mom "Thanks for the airfare, but I also expect to be able to make kid-friendly meals?"

Feedback and ideas, please!!!!

[lhafer]

I would absolutely GO! The offer is there, and you can take advantage of having some family around to watch the girls so you can possibly tackle some of that paperwork and relax a little.

Being able to have some time to physically and emotionally "reset" after all the SH!T that moving company put you through is worth it. Flying with kids is actually a lot easier that I thought it would be. Go to the dollar store and get some *new and exciting* stuff for your 4 year old. Don't show her until you are on the plane (or perhaps one thing to keep her occupied until boarding).

See if you and your mom can make some meals together, or ask her since she was so kind in offering up airfare for you that you make HER some meals as a thank you?

Go and don't feel guilty. Even if you leave DH at home, it's not like you're off scott-free because you still have to fly with the kids and have them there with you.

I've been without power in my house with a toddler for 2 weeks before and it was not fun. Trying to find food (restaurants, grocery stores, etc), trying to find gas...yeah, no. Never again.

Go be with your family and enjoy it.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Go. You can negotiate the food and buy toys when you are there. :)

[AnnieW625]

I would go. I flew to Sacramento, which wasn't cross country with a 4 yr. old and an 4 mos. old, and my sister so I did have some extra help, but I know I would have been able to do a trip double the distance or cross country alone with kids that age. I'd buy a seat for the baby since your mom is paying or really pay for it on your own, and stick yourself in the middle.

Since I don't have any BTDT experience I can't really help out much, but I really think this trip would do you all well. Maybe your DH can come and visit half way through.

[wellyes]

Go. Definitely go. Book now.
You need it & you deserve it. The stresses of it will be worth it, especially since you don't really have a routine in your new place yet.

There is nothing like going home, if you have a place where you are loved.

[lizzywednesday]

Go. You can negotiate the food and buy toys when you are there. :)

:yeahthat:

Go.

You sound pretty freakin' overwhelmed; going would give you a bit of a time-out, which I think you need.

Plus, your mom offered. You'll figure out how to make it up to her in some way.

[mikala]

Yikes! That sounds like a stressful situation all around.

A couple thoughts..

How does your health insurance work in Seattle? Would your care there be covered if the either of the girls were to get sick again?

How helpful is your mom with the kids? We had a brutal 4 month sleep regression and would not want to do that essentially solo.

How does your 4 year old do away from home? Would she consider it a great big adventure or would it stress her out? Are there nearby parks, libraries or other places to burn off steam outside since she won't have access to many of her usual toys? Re: toys and gear, do you have any friends in the area that could loan you any toys or baby gear?

Is the food issue something you could talk about a bit beforehand, or get to some agreement that you'll help clean out the fridge and do meal prep for the duration of your stay? This sounds like it could get stressful over the course of a month if you're constantly battling over food.

Flying with the kids would be the least of my worries since it's such a short amount of time in the context of the whole trip. The four year old should be pretty easily entertained and the four month old will likely eat and sleep a lot of the plane ride. Hauling carseats and luggage would be a pain but I'd wear the baby in a carrier and try to put the other stuff on a cart while the 4 year old walks.

I know you said that you couldn't afford full time care at home but if you do stay home would it be possible to pay a local kid to be a mother's helper to entertain your older child for a few hours a week while you work through paperwork? It seems like any small amount you spent on local babysitting would be less than the random expenses you would encounter while traveling.

Good luck whatever you decide!

[KpbS]

I would go but not immediately. Give yourself a few days or a week to get things in semi-liveable order with unpacking and settling in either by asking a friend to come and help you (either watch the girls or unpack) or hiring a sitter for a bit so you can make some progress. I think it would be too overwhelming to come home to most everything still jumbled up from the move after having been gone for such a long trip.

Also, I would travel but tell yourself (and your mom) that if things aren't doable after 2 weeks you can fly home then? A month is a super long time and if things don't work out well with the food/space/family dynamics, I would want to be able to bail without additional stressors, KWIM?

I think you do need to have a chat with your mom where you tell her you will be doing most/all of the cooking for your DD (of course you can include yourself) and blame it on whatever--pickyness, going through a phase, needing to eat more X and less Y--whatever it takes to make it ok that you don't share her foods.

Sending :hug: and hope things get going in the right direction soon!

[hillview]

I'd go and make it work. Sounds a lot better to be there vs home right now.

[kijip]

Go! Or as a Seattlite I guess I should say COME! I don't have to tell you how mild the weather is here (we all keep joking that we got a free preview of summer but it expired after 2 days) and that there are a huge number of free and low cost things to do with kids around here. Tons of places to get cheap toys here so you don't have to pack them. You can clear your head and get the paperwork done. Without the kids underfoot your husband can better unpack.

You deserve a break.

[WatchingThemGrow]

Go! Get in touch with some of your HS classmates if you can and see if you can borrow some baby stuff. Make a tentative meal plan that's stuff your family would like and tell your mom that you'll cook if she gets on the floor and plays with DC! a greater than 10 year old car is fine. We have one :) and DH drives it daily. Grab some DVDs or have her check some of those and books out of her library.

A-M, sweet friend, I think your summer has actually been worse than ours! I'm so sorry for all your hassles!

[hellokitty]

Go to Seattle! Also, if the moving company screwed up, I'd be having them reimburse you for how big of a PITA this has been.

[amldaley]

Yikes! That sounds like a stressful situation all around.

A couple thoughts..

How does your health insurance work in Seattle? Would your care there be covered if the either of the girls were to get sick again?

How helpful is your mom with the kids? We had a brutal 4 month sleep regression and would not want to do that essentially solo.

How does your 4 year old do away from home? Would she consider it a great big adventure or would it stress her out? Are there nearby parks, libraries or other places to burn off steam outside since she won't have access to many of her usual toys? Re: toys and gear, do you have any friends in the area that could loan you any toys or baby gear?

Is the food issue something you could talk about a bit beforehand, or get to some agreement that you'll help clean out the fridge and do meal prep for the duration of your stay? This sounds like it could get stressful over the course of a month if you're constantly battling over food.

Flying with the kids would be the least of my worries since it's such a short amount of time in the context of the whole trip. The four year old should be pretty easily entertained and the four month old will likely eat and sleep a lot of the plane ride. Hauling carseats and luggage would be a pain but I'd wear the baby in a carrier and try to put the other stuff on a cart while the 4 year old walks.

I know you said that you couldn't afford full time care at home but if you do stay home would it be possible to pay a local kid to be a mother's helper to entertain your older child for a few hours a week while you work through paperwork? It seems like any small amount you spent on local babysitting would be less than the random expenses you would encounter while traveling.

Good luck whatever you decide!

Thanks for framing up those questions...yes, I need to look in to the insurance. I think we will be good to go, I would just have to call to get a pre-authorization to an urgent care clinic. But I do need to double check as we changed insurance just this past weekend.

My mom TRIES REALLY HARD to be helpful with the girls. DD1 can be a handful. She LOVES traveling though, and seems to listen to me better away from home.

We hit the sleep regression a few days ago...I am beat. DD2 is up every three hours.

My mom lives at the base of an AMAZING walking/hiking park and near some attractions like the ferry. We would have to drive about an hour to get down south to family and activities and about 90 minutes to Seattle proper, but that is not too bad, IMO.

I will wear the baby, bring the stroller and her car seat on it and then cart the 4 year old seat. Should I have the 4 year old ride in her seat in the plane?

We could try to get a sitter but the problem is that DD1 does not do well with new people. I would need to do a couple of warm up "play" sessions with a sitter first.

I think I am going to try to work it out to go. I will take the paperwork with me and let DH sort out the boxes in the evenings.

DD1' birthday is at the end of the month and my HS reunion is Aug 4, so I would want to stay for that.

Thanks, everyone, for feedback and assurances that this is ok. I needed that!!

[amldaley]

Go to Seattle! Also, if the moving company screwed up, I'd be having them reimburse you for how big of a PITA this has been.

We've been waiting on a check from them...still waiting.

[amldaley]

Go! Get in touch with some of your HS classmates if you can and see if you can borrow some baby stuff. Make a tentative meal plan that's stuff your family would like and tell your mom that you'll cook if she gets on the floor and plays with DC! a greater than 10 year old car is fine. We have one :) and DH drives it daily. Grab some DVDs or have her check some of those and books out of her library.

A-M, sweet friend, I think your summer has actually been worse than ours! I'm so sorry for all your hassles!

I love the idea of asking to borrow some stuff from HS friends! We have a FB page...perfect place to do that and set up some playdates, too!

Thank you :hug:

[elbenn]

I think you should go! You probably won't need too many toys, since the weather will be much cooler and you can do a lot of outdoor things. Instead of shipping toys out there, I would probably just buy a few new inexpensive toys when you get there (or maybe hit a few garage sales). As for kid friendly meals, you can do very simple things like fruit, cheese sandwiches, pb&j, etc.

[Giantbear]

If your hubby and dd1 are ok being away from each other that long, and your mom will help, then there is no reason to not go.

[ha98ed14]

Go! All the annoying things will be outweighed by the good things and it's only for a month.

[Philly Mom]

You sound like you would be going to Bellingham or a bit south. I think that sounds wonderful (as I look at temperatures of 90+ for the next week). If you are going to be out there, you can go out to the San Juans, go hiking, rock collecting along the shore, and of course Seattle.

As far as car seats, I would check them both so you have one less thing to watch over. At 4 your DD should not need a car seat, and you will have more room for the three of you without her car seat.

I also love the idea of asking your HS friends for things to borrow. I am sure people have stuff.

Enjoy it!

[wendmatt]

Go. You can negotiate the food and buy toys when you are there. :)

Totally agree!

[georgiegirl]

Go! Flying with a 4 year old is easy because they are old enough to be happy with a DVD player (or iPad) for the entire trip...along with some stickers and coloring. The 4 month old shouldn't be too difficult. Hopefully she will just sleep most of the flight. At that age, my babies liked playing with the skymall catalog and bag of pretzels (they make a nice krinkly noise.)

You can always buy some cheap toys on Craigslist.

[amldaley]

Thanks to all of you!

I found a great fare by adjusting the dates a bit. We leave in a week and will be there 4 weeks. I can not tell you how much I appreciate the advice and encouragement. I am so excited to go HOME!

[american_mama]

Absolutely go. For toys and kid TV, use her local library (have her get one if she doesn't... it can be an early outing together). Go to secondhand stores to buy toys and videos if your mom still have a VCR hooked up. Use instant netflix if you'll have a device and connection that would make the useful. For gear, you probably don'tneed much for a 4 month old. But if you want a bouncy seat or possibly pack and play, see if she has any friends with grandkids or neighbors with toddlers that you could borrow from.

It's not important that the car is 10 years old. If you like your car seats at home, trust them in a 10 year old car.

For food, all I'd say is know your boundaries and stick to them. Maybe plan to grocery shop for you and the kids and make at least half the meals, and have a plan B if your mom is cooking and serves something that won't work for you. Maybe do some of the groundwork for plan B with your mom in advance so she doesn't get offended.

[kijip]

Oh, if it is Anacortes/Bellingham, even better. No reason whatsoever to miss out. Hop the ferry to the San Juans. Go hiking. Relax.

[crl]

Thanks to all of you!

I found a great fare by adjusting the dates a bit. We leave in a week and will be there 4 weeks. I can not tell you how much I appreciate the advice and encouragement. I am so excited to go HOME!

Have fun!

Catherine

[larig]

Thanks to all of you!

I found a great fare by adjusting the dates a bit. We leave in a week and will be there 4 weeks. I can not tell you how much I appreciate the advice and encouragement. I am so excited to go HOME!

have fun! go see king tut--last time in the US.

How's the laryngo? DS had it. Does she need surgery?

[MamaMolly]

Go and have fun! I swear Lula can play with a pile of sticks and rocks and leaves much longer and better than she can with toys. Go and have a great time! :applause:

[Melaine]

I would go for sure....well, the flight would overwhelm me, but I wouldn't hesitate over the other issues.

[amldaley]

have fun! go see king tut--last time in the US.

How's the laryngo? DS had it. Does she need surgery?

Thanks for the King Tut heads up! I have already seen it...him?...but it could be fun for DD1.

It is moderate but not severe. Her pulminologist wants to reevaluate Aug 9. If she can get back on the growth curve, we won't even do a scope right now. If she is still measuring small, we will start the "invasive" tests.

How long did it take for your DS to grow out of it? Did he have reflux?