WWYD: Party & Family Issues

[pinkmomagain]

As background, DH and his family (parents and siblings) had a falling out about a year ago. He feels very hurt by his family, however I have encouraged him to keep the lines of communications open with his parents through special occassion cards and phone calls (brief ones). Part of the hurt stems from lack of involvement as grandparents. Leaving out tons of details.

So, DD1 is turning 16 in a couple of months. She has said she does not want a big Sweet 16 party. Maybe do something special with a few friends (dinner/show) and separately a small dinner in her honor at a restaurant with family. I think she would enjoy some special attention from family, especially since her cousins on my side are Jewish and have been bar mitzvahed and had the big parties, and she has not. Our family is not big so maybe we'd have 25 or so people to dinner.

I feel like I can control the dial on this one. It's not a must, but it would be something nice. However, I feel like it could cause issues to resurface with the ILs. DH has said that he would not invite his siblings (and their families). Just his parents and his aunt/uncle. Don't know that his parents would come in any situation, but cutting out the siblings would certainly exacerbate things. If the ILs come, it will be awkward but hopefully open the doors to a more amicable relationship moving forward. If they don't come, it is rubbing salt in DHs wounds. And it would then be 99% my family at this party.

Do you think I should move forward on putting something like this together? And if I do, how to make it go as smoothly as possible? Or should I squash the whole idea to avoid potential drama?

[Giantbear]

Don't penalize your daughter for what is going on above her. I would have the dinner and I would invite the parents and siblings, if they say no, it is on them, you guys did what was right.

[Philly Mom]

My cousins went through a similar time with my uncle's family, although my cousins were all in their 20s at the time. I agree with PP, do not punish your DD. My cousins and uncle, who were always very close to my uncle's family pre-"stuff", were so thankful when we showed up at every family event of importance even though we live across the country from each other. When there is a family strain on one side, it really does help to have the closeness on the other side. In particular, my uncle has really appreciated my parents being there for him when his family hasn't been. I am sure your DH is very appreciative of your family and I am sure DD is too and would love to celebrate with them.

[belovedgandp]

Do the invite and put it on them to come.

DH has not had a falling out, but is extremely distant with his parents. The distance keeps getting greater and is definitely sided on them not trying and us maintaining the minimum. BIL did have a huge fall out with the PILs. We continue to invite everyone to big events for our kids. It is hit and miss on who attends and when both sets attend they avoid each other. I doubt those from my family notice too much, but I see the behavior.

[mommylamb]

Who does your DD want to invite? I'm sure at 16 that she's aware of the problems. I think at that age, she should get to choose who to invite, and they can choose whether or not to go.

[janine]

Curious about the responses - I feel like this could be me in 13 years. I am wondering the same thing except the IL's have issues with me as well (not just DH like it sounds with you) and my kids are very small. Still it will esablish a pattern for future years.

In your case what does your DH want? Your DD? I would take that into consideration. Because your DD's party may not be the best time to bring in tons of drama..maybe try for a more common family holiday. I don't see a problem with just inviting parents etc and not siblings as your DH suggested..this is likely what we will do. I look at it as easing back in....if people get offended in your case, then clearly it's not time.

[pinkmomagain]

OK so the ILs may have some issues with me. During the falling out, they made some accusations about my family turning DH against them. Completely, 200% untrue. I was horrified they thought this. My mom is seriously the queen of keeping peace. Never has fought with anyone. Ever. But I rise above and overlook it. Seriously, if they walked through my door tomorrow, I would have a big smile on my face, give them hugs & kisses, and get them a drink. Cook 'em dinner. No problem.

DD somewhat knows about the issues. I'm sure she would be happy to be inclusive of everyone, just as I am, for the sake of peace. SIL can be a loose cannon though, and is mad at DH (and probably me) and wouldn't likely show up if she were invited anyway. But DH has mentally disowned her, so I doubt he'd allow us to extend an invite. MIL is super loyal to SIL, and I *think* if SIL wasn't invited, she might not come either...out of solidarity. I think. Which, in the end, would just give more for DH to be mad about and set us 10 steps back in the relationship repair department.

I know I should probably just have this party for dd anyway, just bracing myself for the fallout.

[janine]

OK so the ILs may have some issues with me. During the falling out, they made some accusations about my family turning DH against them. Completely, 200% untrue. I was horrified they thought this. My mom is seriously the queen of keeping peace. Never has fought with anyone. Ever. But I rise above and overlook it. Seriously, if they walked through my door tomorrow, I would have a big smile on my face, give them hugs & kisses, and get them a drink. Cook 'em dinner. No problem.

DD somewhat knows about the issues. I'm sure she would be happy to be inclusive of everyone, just as I am, for the sake of peace. SIL can be a loose cannon though, and is mad at DH (and probably me) and wouldn't likely show up if she were invited anyway. But DH has mentally disowned her, so I doubt he'd allow us to extend an invite. MIL is super loyal to SIL, and I *think* if SIL wasn't invited, she might not come either...out of solidarity. I think. Which, in the end, would just give more for DH to be mad about and set us 10 steps back in the relationship repair department.

I know I should probably just have this party for dd anyway, just bracing myself for the fallout.


This sounds all very similar. Except I'm not so good with the putting on a smile, kissing them and getting a drink! ;) But the part about tensions with DH and SIL ,and MIL siding with SIL (BIL in our case), and round we go. In the end if the MIL can't remain somewhat neutral (and attend events as invited not one sibling's more than the other out of misguided loyalty), then things won't get resolved. I guess since it's not your family you need the buy in of either DH (ie he's ok if they decline - just wants to invite them to extend an olive branch) or MIL (you feel her out to see if she would be willing to come without conditions). In my case I don't have much of a relationship with IL's that I can reach out to them on my own, but it sounds like you have the kind of personality that works well with this so you could try that approach.

[hillview]

Don't penalize your daughter for what is going on above her. I would have the dinner and I would invite the parents and siblings, if they say no, it is on them, you guys did what was right.

:yeahthat:

I'd ask DD who she wants. I'd tend to push hard on DH to include everyone.

[janine]

:yeahthat:

I'd ask DD who she wants. I'd tend to push hard on DH to include everyone.

But if her DH has issues with SIL, is it a fair thing to push? Seems like it would need to be at a point where there was desire to smooth things over (from DH) first. Might be the case here - and if so, sorry if I missed it.

[waitingforgrace]

If your DD would like everyone there, invite them all and your DH needs to put his issues with family aside for the night. They may not show up but that's their choice.

[Cuckoomamma]

Your responsibility is to your dd and your dh. If dd wants them there, I'd mention it to dh. If he feels that he can't handle it and things might get ugly, explain that to dd and only invite the ILs. You can't control what they'll think or how they'll react. Whether or not they attend should completely be on them, and clear for your dd to see.

My ILs haven't seen my girls in 5.5 years. My dh feels that he couldn't stand being in the same room with them now after they abandoned our girls the way that they did. I honor him, but also honor my girls by inviting them to their dance performances. They're in a public place and they could attend without seeing us adults. They've never attended or even rsvp'd. Three years ago dd1 wanted to invite them to her bday party. Dh told me he wouldn't be able to attend if they came. I told him to allow her to invite them, as I suspected they'd disapoint her. Yup, didn't come.

As heartbreaking as it is, it's better for your dd to know who your ILs are or aren't.

[California]

Would you consider not telling your DD you invited your ILs, and if they show up - fun surprise- and if they don't attend, her feelings aren't hurt? I do realize this wouldn't fly with your DH, but it might help with your kid. This is a tactic I've used in the past with a couple of relatives who choose not to attend my kids' birthday parties (and as a result my kids' feelings were hurt in the past.) The other alternatives I've used is to ask the relatives if they'd like to have their own special date with my kids. Sometimes that works too.

[lalasmama]

Like PPs, I would invite the ILs, and let them be the ones to decide whether they come.

My dad wasn't around/available during a lot of my preteen and teen years. I'm sure my mom and my papa (stepdad) went round and round about whether to invite my dad and his wife to my graduation itself, as well as the party the next day. When all was said and done, I appreciate that they invited my dad. He actually made an effort and showed up with his wife. Maybe dad and witchy were just trying to save face (considering his brothers showed up to the party), but I know I loved seeing that they actually made the effort to get there.

Would I have been horribly hurt if they didn't show up? Most definitely! But, in the later teen years, they're old enough to understand things. IMO, it's your job to lay the bridge, and it's the IL's choice whether they are going to cross it or not. Either way, though, your DD will see that you stuck your neck out and attempted to invite *all* the people that love her... even if those people choose not to show their love :(

[mikala]

You mention that this event is a few months away. If your DD wants to invite these relatives to the 16th party is there any opportunity between now and then to extend an olive branch or do some other smaller gathering?

I ask because it seems like a reunion at the birthday party could either go really well or not so much. It might be less risky to see them in a different context first to reduce the possibility of a strange dynamic or hurt feelings at DD's party.

I've seen situations like this at weddings and it either goes really well and everyone's on their best behavior or it is just the wrong place and wrong time to reconcile.

[bisous]

If your DD would like everyone there, invite them all and your DH needs to put his issues with family aside for the night. They may not show up but that's their choice.

This is what I would do. Let us know how it works out!