Need to address alcoholism with a family member. UPDATE in #10

[Carrots]

Sorry, guys. I am feeling very needy lately as I have a whole bunch of crap on my plate. I need to vent about this latest piece of poop.

My MIL is a functioning alcoholic. No one in DH's family has ever addressed her addiction. Now the time has come to address it, because her impared judgement could negatively effect my children when they are in her care. I also no longer feel comfortable leaving DDs with the ILs unsupervised.

I am dreading this conversation.... because I am the one who is going to have to start it.

[StantonHyde]

Are they in her care regularly? Or just occasionally. Because if it is only now and then, I could see making excuses for why they can't make for a while--just delays the inevitable, but maybe you will be in a better place by then. Obviously, if they are regular care givers, then you need to find someone else STAT.

The only way this is going to work is if you get the rest of the family on your side. Sorry, but doing this by yourself will be a disaster. I would at least get DH on your side about them not caring for/driving the kids. I would just focus on that aspect of it. ugh. I feel for you.

[rlu]

No BTDT but you have my sympathies. I know a family dealing with that issue but luckily(?) the child is 16 and self-sufficient.

Do you have/need alternative child-care set up or is this simply no longer having them visit ILs without you?

[scrooks]

:hug: I am so sorry! This is a huge for you to be dealing with alone. I am by no means an expert but I have been involved in an intervention for a family member. It's really important that you aren't going this alone. Pm if you want to.

Also... Please don't leave your kids alone with your mil. Make any excuse you need to.

[Carrots]

Luckily, I don't need her/them regularly. They bought car seats and took the girls for a ride on Sunday without us knowing. The Sunday visits are not happening anymore without us being there.

I need to talk to DH tonight about the details, but he is on my side.

Thanks for your kind words.

[TwinFoxes]

No BTDT. But I wish you good luck.

[hillview]

My dad is a functioning alcoholic. He is worthless after about 7 pm but during the day he is fantastic and I love him. I avoid him after 7 pm. He is not allowed to watch the kids after 7 pm unless he promises not to drink (he will do this on RARE occasion) but even then I avoid it unless there is no other choice. My parents live with us so it is complicated. (we are in a 2 family house so we just avoid him at night).

HUGs and good luck.

[mytwosons]

Not the same reason, but I saw a therapist when pregnant with DS1 because I was stressed about how the family would react when they found out MIL was not allowed unsupervised contact. The therapist told me the family would never blame me - deep down they know there is an issue and couldn't fault us.

She was 100% correct. No one in the family has said a word.

[Kymberley]

DH is a recovering alcoholic, 1 1/2 years sober. He was never allowed to be alone with DS before rehab. If you want my take on it, feel free to PM me and I'll offer what advice I have. I'm on my phone typing, otherwise I'd put it all out there for everyone. Sending you hugs.

[Carrots]

Well, the conversation happened tonight. DH did it. She was furious. She blames me and my parents because "Kristen and her parents can have drinks, but I can't" and "Wow, it must be nice to live in a perfect world!" and "I can't have a drink on the beach on the weekend. Wow."

She is angry with me and my parents (I am not sure how my parents got wrapped up into this.) Part of me is kind of relieved she doesn't like me. Part of me is stressed because she will tell everyone she knows. Not that anyone will side with her because she has very few friends - she annoys the hell out of many people.

Ahh. What fun it is!!

[mytwosons]

Part of me is stressed because she will tell everyone she knows.

I was afraid of the same thing and the therapist correctly predicted my MIL would be too embarrassed to bad mouth me to others.

I'm glad your DH had this difficult conversation with her. It's hard, but you need to protect your girls.

[crl]

I am so glad your dh shouldered the responsibility on this. I am sorry. :hug:

Catherine

[fivi2]

My ils have the same issue. Fil almost had a very bad car wreck with me in the car (dh and I were still dating at the time, no kids) and I put my foot down after that - neither I nor any kids would ever ride with them and they would never be alone with my kids. period. I left it up to dh to explain or not explain the reasons why. (If he had had a problem with my ultimatum it would have been a deal breaker for us. He knows it and agrees with my decision).

My girls are now 6.5 and other than a few comments from mil ("when do I get to babysit?" which we ignore) it has never come up. I think they know why and are too embarrassed to bring it up. I have no idea what dh told them, if anything.

My children have never been alone in a room with either fil or mil. And they won't be until they are much older, if ever. I don't feel the need to discuss my reasons with them - if they wanted to know, they would ask me (and I would answer honestly).


Good luck!

eta: oops - didn't read update. Glad your dh spoke to her about it!

[TwinFoxes]

Good for your DH. You are doing the right thing.