This is your fault DH

[HIU8]

DD had a tantrum about getting a bath. DH was giving her the bath. He LEFT her in the tub with the lights out (can't even begin to express how angry I am at this) b/c she made him mad (DH is not a mature person to say the least). She apologized and he told her he didn't care. She is 5. She is devestated. Now, DD has just started this tantrum thing about whenever she doesn't get her own way. We are working on this with her. DH, obviously, handled it WRONG. He deserves whatever he gets from her at this point.

[rin]

I would be beyond livid, not to mention terrified that he doesn't sound like he can be trusted to keep children safe. He does not sound like he's capable of controlling his own ego while interacting with children.

[kijip]

That is over the line. We all make mistakes, we all lose our temper at times. But he left her unattended in water, in a slippery tub, in the dark and then was verbally cruel on top of it. Parenting classes, counseling and anger management techniques are all things to suggest. No strike that. They are all things to insist on.

[Kymberley]

Wow. I don't think I'd give him a whole lot of alone time with the kids. That is just wrong on so many levels.

[hellokitty]

Ugh, how old is he? I'd be pissed too!

[TwinFoxes]

That is over the line. We all make mistakes, we all lose our temper at times. But he left her unattended in water, in a slippery tub, in the dark and then was verbally cruel on top of it.

:yeahthat: Was it dark in the bathroom? (sorry for the dumb q, it gets dark pretty late). If it were dark either of my DDs would lose it and run screaming from the tub. Even if it weren't dark they probably would have run screaming from the tub to get us to come back. Running kid on wet bathroom floor easily = bad fall.

I know his temper is an ongoing issue, hopefully he will work on it soon.

[fortato]

Wait...you let him leave her in the bathtub with the lights off? That is so not ok. What did she learn from this? That neither of her parents have any sort of control...over their emotions or their kids.

[wellyes]

That would be a game changer for me. I would not allow anything like that to happen again.

[kijip]

:yeahthat: Was it dark in the bathroom? (sorry for the dumb q, it gets dark pretty late).

Oh, I just assumed lights off meant dark. Our main bathroom has no windows so that was my default impression.

[kijip]

Also don't underestimate the impact of his behavior on her tantrums. She is learning how to behave by watching him. I know many kids have tantrums whose parents are great examples but stress at home or with a parent can definitely worsen the situation.

[lhafer]

I know this is the bitching post, and I would be bitching about that scenario as well.

But after reading many of your posts, I'm also asking myself why are you still with him?

[Uno-Mom]

No no no. That is abuse, terrifying to a child.

[deborah_r]

My DS1 is 9, and if we accidentally shut out the light while he was in the bath or shower, I would bet it would be months before he would be willing to be in a room by himself. That was really awful of him.

I have to say, considering this with some other things you've shard, I really think you should handle anything with the kids that could in any way result in a struggle. Your DH does not seem to be able to handle it. I know it's hard, but I think you should pretend you are the only parent and just take care of everything.

My DH has had several months-long periods of mental health problems, associated with one specific thing that happened to him about 2 years ago (job-related stress), and during those times, I kind of pretended he wasn't around, as far as to help with anything. I just assumed everything was on me and did it. It sucked and it was hard, but he couldn't handle anything even slightly stressful.

[infomama]

That is over the line.

:yeahthat: x's 1,000

[TwinFoxes]

Oh, I just assumed lights off meant dark. Our main bathroom has no windows so that was my default impression.

Even if it wasn't super dark, I think turning out lights freaks kids out. I was just curious just how huge of a blankety-blank he was being.

[JTsMom]

Heather, this really seems to be a pattern that is worsening, not improving. We all do loose it from time to time, but when it's over and over, it's worsening, and he's not showing remorse, that's a different beast. I know it's a bit of a pressure cooker around your house right now, but it seems to me like it has gotten to that tipping point where you need to insist on him getting professional help immediately, or walk away before it escalates further. The worse it gets before you take action, the harder it's going to be for the kids to have a good relationship with him in the future. You are in my thoughts. :grouphug:

[hillview]

Heather, this really seems to be a pattern that is worsening, not improving. We all do loose it from time to time, but when it's over and over, it's worsening, and he's not showing remorse, that's a different beast. I know it's a bit of a pressure cooker around your house right now, but it seems to me like it has gotten to that tipping point where you need to insist on him getting professional help immediately, or walk away before it escalates further. The worse it gets before you take action, the harder it's going to be for the kids to have a good relationship with him in the future. You are in my thoughts. :grouphug:

:yeahthat:

[HIU8]

Um, hold on a sec. I LET HIM. No, I was outside doing the trash. I got inside and she was screaming so I ran up to see what was going on. That is when I found her in the tub with the nightlight on alone and DH in the office. If you intend to attack my parenting please stop posting b/c I've honstly had enough b/c of DH. He and I are in a BAD place right now. I am attempting to fix things--which is probably going to lead to a divorce, but I need to find a way where the kids DO NOT get unsupervised visits with him.

So, again, if you intend to attack me GO AWAY.

[amldaley]

Um, hold on a sec. I LET HIM. No, I was outside doing the trash. I got inside and she was screaming so I ran up to see what was going on. That is when I found her in the tub with the nightlight on alone and DH in the office. If you intend to attack my parenting please stop posting b/c I've honstly had enough b/c of DH. He and I are in a BAD place right now. I am attempting to fix things--which is probably going to lead to a divorce, but I need to find a way where the kids DO NOT get unsupervised visits with him.

So, again, if you intend to attack me GO AWAY.

I can't speak for pp's...but if you KNOW that leaving him alone with the kids puts them in danger, then yeah, you let him. That is not to say that you do it intentionally, or with malice, at all. You are not to blame for his behavior. But now that he has illustrated full-well his parenting abilities, now you know, and from here forward, it has to be your priority to protect them. Maybe you should take over the parenting tasks which involve stress and possible tantrums and/or safety issues such as baths and let him do the trash.

As for divorce and custody...I think you have a perfect example in this incident alone to ask for supervised visitation. Have you consulted an attorney? If you truely believe your kids are at risk with him, call your county or city DSS and ask for advice anonymously.

But, I think you know in your heart of hearts, you can't ever leave him alone with the kids like that again. You must have been horrified when you saw what happened. I am sorry you have to deal with that.

[HIU8]

I know what I am dealing with. And I'm attempting to do something about it. I do not appreciate having ppl shove stuff down my throat. I am doing what I have to do. I have learned a valuable lesson here today though. I will not post anyting other than stuff that does not matter. B/c you all have not really helped me. Now I'm just pissed at this online group. How about instead of placing blame, help me work through whether or not to attempt to save my marriage or just get the kids and walk away as fast as I can.

This has never happened before and it won't be happening again. So, no I did not KNOW what he was doing. He got frustrated. We are all under pressure. No job, almost out of $$. Storm aftermath. Not an excuse I know. FWIW, The kids often take baths by nightlight at their request. DH is a hothead. I already went off on him. He walked away from her bath. Even the 10 feet pissed me off.

[Clarity]

I know what I am dealing with. And I'm attempting to do something about it. I do not appreciate having ppl shove stuff down my throat. I am doing what I have to do. I have learned a valuable lesson here today though. I will not post anyting other than stuff that does not matter. B/c you all have not really helped me. Now I'm just pissed at this online group. How about instead of placing blame, help me work through whether or not to attempt to save my marriage or just get the kids and walk away as fast as I can.

This has never happened before and it won't be happening again. So, no I did not KNOW what he was doing. He got frustrated. We are all under pressure. No job, almost out of $$. Storm aftermath. Not an excuse I know. FWIW, The kids often take baths by nightlight at their request. DH is a hothead. I already went off on him. He walked away from her bath. Even the 10 feet pissed me off.

Heather, it's not your fault. You didn't realize yet what a negative, harmful place your dh is in right now. Now you do know and now you will need to take steps to make sure that you are vigilant when he is around. the kids. I hate to say that but it's true. When my dh was struggling with some mental health issues, I did not leave my children alone with him. For their safety as well as for his.
Please do call a mental health professional and GO. With or without your dh. You need someplace to talk about your situation and this board just really isn't the best place for that. We don't have the full picture and you need someone who has that, for you as well as for your kids. If you can get your dh to go to couples/family counseling all the better. :hug: to you, mama.

[cuca_]

Heather, I am sorry that you are feeling attacked. But I encourage you to look past the few negative posts placing the blame on you, as you have gotten some really good advice from other posters. It does sound like the current situation in your house is difficult and that your DH is not dealing with his emotions appropriately. I agree that it is probably time for him to get some professional help if he hasn't yet. FWIW, I don't think leaving a 5 year old in the bath is particularly dangerous, however, I think the fact that he turn the lights off and stomped off, and later did not accept her apology is cruel. Obviously you know that too, or you would not have written this post to begin with. Hugs to you, and I hope that your DH agrees to get help and work through his issues, and that you can solve this situation in the way that is best for your family.

[rin]

I know what I am dealing with. And I'm attempting to do something about it. I do not appreciate having ppl shove stuff down my throat. I am doing what I have to do. I have learned a valuable lesson here today though. I will not post anyting other than stuff that does not matter. B/c you all have not really helped me. Now I'm just pissed at this online group. How about instead of placing blame, help me work through whether or not to attempt to save my marriage or just get the kids and walk away as fast as I can.

This has never happened before and it won't be happening again. So, no I did not KNOW what he was doing. He got frustrated. We are all under pressure. No job, almost out of $$. Storm aftermath. Not an excuse I know. FWIW, The kids often take baths by nightlight at their request. DH is a hothead. I already went off on him. He walked away from her bath. Even the 10 feet pissed me off.

I certainly can't speak for anyone else who posted in this thread, but my intent was not to critique your parenting in any way, but rather to validate what you seem to be expressing (namely that your DH does not sound like he's in a place in his life right now where he can be a functional parent on any level), and to say that I would be 100% supportive of any steps you took to limit or eliminate his supervisory contact with your DC. I think that people who are saying that it's your responsibility are probably doing so in response to the stories about your DH that sound like he clearly cannot be counted on to be a responsible party in any way.

[JTsMom]

FWIW, I hope my comment wasn't one of the ones that upset you. I think you are in a very difficult position, and the road ahead is going to have a lot of challenges. I wish nothing but the best for you and your kids.

I've read a lot of your posts over the past couple of months, and haven't commented b/c I think a lot of times, it's easy for those of us on the outside to hear these things in a vaccum and see things as being even worse than they are. But even I had to say something after reading this one. I don't think it's such a gray issue any longer. It's getting to the black and white point. This man is treating your children badly. It's becoming frequent, he's not working on it, and it's clear to me that if you don't absolutely draw the line right now, it's quickly going to get to the point where something is going to happen that is going to affect your kids for the rest of their lives, if it hasn't already. I'm not blaming you, but I'm saying that you are on that line right now. You can decide to protect them from abuse, or you can do nothing and allow it to happen.

I would hope it's not anyone's intention to hurt you, or to make things even worse, and I'd hate to see you lose a source of support b/c of a couple of comments. I think we're just all seeing this pattern happening, have seen you say you're on the brink of leaving several times over, and are just trying to help you see that the time is now. I think we have a few people who have a no b.s./no sugarcoating way of phrasing things, and that works for some people, and backfires for others.

I know it's easier said than done, but try to ignore the stuff that's not helpful, and focus on the stuff that is.

[misshollygolightly]

:grouphug: I'm sorry your DH is being an @$$ and I'm sorry the board made you feel even worse about an already rotten situation. Although some of the posts could have been phrased more delicately, I think people are just concerned about you and your kids. I'm really bad at connecting posts with usernames so I don't have a great handle on the bigger picture of your ongoing situation with DH, but it sounds like you're doing the best you can and you don't have any illusions about him. I agree with other posters' suggestions to find a counselor or therapist--someone more qualified than us BBBers to help you through this. But also, we're here for you and do want to help any way we can...whether by sympathizing with a BP or reminding you of what a great mom you are.

And, for what it's worth, I totally agree that your DH handled the situation *terribly* and you have every right to be angry about that. But I don't think he necessarily put her in any immediate danger (I know! I know! drowning, slipping...these things can happen. but your DD is 5, and it sounds like she's not totally opposed to bathing with the lights off on occasion...anyway, I don't want to diminish the event, but I also don't want to blow it out of proportion). More importantly, though, I don't think *you* put your DD in any immediate danger by leaving her in the tub (supervised by DH) while you took the trash out. You're a good mom. This was a bad situation. You're dealing with it. We're here for you :grouphug:

[amldaley]

I have read every post here, twice. Honestly, I do think that the vast majority of the posts are people who are genuinely trying to be kind or are expressing true concern for both your situation and the safety of your children.

Perhaps it feels like you are being attacked because the whole situation is so tense and it is difficult to see past that.

You asked for people to help you figure out if you should try to work it out or not. I read the majority of these comments and see that is exactly what they are trying to do.

When you post intensely personal details about your life online, I think you have to take the bad responses with a grain of salt and focus on they responses that you feel were constructive or helpful to you. And matter of fact, a couple of people who posted responses have backgrounds in social services or work with kids, so I think you are getting pretty sound advice.

Since you asked...I think that the marriage is only salvageable if you BOTH want it to be saved and are both willing to WORK on that. It sounds like you are experiencing some major stressors - I can tell you - I have been there and am there myself right now. But that does not EVER excuse endangering a child or cruel behavior. Have most of us cracked once or twice and said something to a kid we shouldn't have? Yeah - I know I have. But the leaving her in the tub and turning off the light is inexcusable - no matter how angry he was. And filling us on in on the details that the kids have asked to bath by nightlight before, etc sort of comes across as defending him - but even if you weren't - I think you can see how people's response would be very strong to your initial post without that additional information.

So, IMO, if you think the marriage is to be saved, I would demand counseling and parenting classes - both of which are likely available for free or super low cost through your state, county or local government or through a local church.

And again, I am very sorry you are dealing with this. But it's not going to be easy either way - you just have to get through it somehow and keep your kids safe in the process.

[deborah_r]

How about instead of placing blame, help me work through whether or not to attempt to save my marriage or just get the kids and walk away as fast as I can.

It seemed to me that most of us were trying to make suggestions along those lines, although I don't remember reading from you before this thread that you were trying to decide whether to stay or go (I may have missed that in some other threads). I know you are feeling attacked, but you seem to be painting all of our comments with the same brush, where most of us did not say anything that could be taken as blaming you.

I am sorry for the situation you are in, and I have been very worried for you.

[AnnieW625]

Just want to send you and your family some hugs. I hope things get better for you all very soon.

[DualvansMommy]

Just wanted to send you some good Mojo's in your trying time now. I know you came here for support & guidance, which you're getting quite a bit aside from the few negative comments. Like other pp's said, it is hard to know whole picture and perhaps negative comments came across much harsher because we're only relying on information you post.

I really really encourage you to seek help beyond your immediate support, as things seem to be reaching crisis point for you. IMO, if your child/children's safety is in question consistently, you've to do what's best for them. Forget your DH's feelings at this point, especially if he isn't willing to seek professional help for himself. Other pp mentioned now that you know going forward, you've to handle your children completely on your own, while I understand that from safety POV, if that's what you want. Then you've to ask yourself how DH is contributing to your mental health? kWIM?

Stay on your ground firmly on this.

[wellyes]

Wishing you strength and courage.

[buddyleebaby]

I've read a lot of your posts over the past couple of months, and haven't commented b/c I think a lot of times, it's easy for those of us on the outside to hear these things in a vaccum and see things as being even worse than they are. But even I had to say something after reading this one. I don't think it's such a gray issue any longer. It's getting to the black and white point. This man is treating your children badly. It's becoming frequent, he's not working on it, and it's clear to me that if you don't absolutely draw the line right now, it's quickly going to get to the point where something is going to happen that is going to affect your kids for the rest of their lives, if it hasn't already. I'm not blaming you, but I'm saying that you are on that line right now. You can decide to protect them from abuse, or you can do nothing and allow it to happen.



This. Your latest post made my heart hurt for your DD, but there are only so many times one can offer hugs and agree that your DH is out of line before starting to wonder why you are allowing this behavior to continue. You can't change him but you can change your reaction to him.
It's frustrating to watch the cycle repeat itself. You- and your KIDS- deserve better.

[mctlaw]

:hug: for the difficult times you are enduring.

[Philly Mom]

Just wanted to say hugs to you. Keep strong.

[kijip]

How about instead of placing blame, help me work through whether or not to attempt to save my marriage or just get the kids and walk away

I agree with you. But I think you are taking all of this thread and coloring a lot of supportive, worried advice as being the same thing as a couple of posts critical of you. I don't think you let this happen. I do think that you need to do everything, up to and including divorce if need be to ensure it never happens again. If he is not willing to go to therapy, an anger management workshop and parenting classes I would really encourage you to get out. Frankly, I would tend to suggest a separation while he starts the work to change but get that that may not be feasible. I know that money stress can have a huge toll but having grown up with zero financial security I also know that it is possible to cope in ways that don't make children suffer. Good luck, I know this is hard. You need to focus on taking care of yourself and your kids.

[boogiemomz]

Just want to send :hug::hug::hug:.

[doberbrat]

just wanted to offer another hug. Only you know whether you can truly salvage your marriage. From the outside, I doubt it unless he really recognizes the problem and is willing to seek help. Your insistence wont cut it.

Its summer, any chance you could send the kids to a relative for a week for a visit? Might lessen some of the stress on you right now.

[hillview]

Heather you've been so strong through all of this and so open on this board. I think 99.9% of people have you and DCs interest at heart period. I am sorry if I offended you, it truly was not my intent. You are a great mom and doing all that you can under incredible stress. I am sending you hugs and P&PT that you and DCs get through this very rough patch quickly and as easily as possible.

[kozachka]

Hugs. Your situation sounds super stressful.

[TwoBees]

Adding my hugs. Lots and lots of them. I haven't commented on any of your relationship posts (because I'm not sure I have any useful advice), but I have read them. I know you are going through a lot right now. I hope it works out for you and your DC, whatever the solution may be. :grouphug: