Resolved! My sister, her nanny, Universal Studios...

[ha98ed14]

Resolution:



I will also be the voice of dissent and say I don't think its that odd that sis wants to go to Universal with the nanny. Sounds like they have a friendship/familial relationship beyond her being a nanny. Op had said she did not want to go. My sister visits about twice a year for a week each and, while we have a good relationship, we are both happy to do something separate from each other for some of the time that she is here.


This is very much how it is, in part because they have a cultural bond. N and BIL are from ForeignCounty, which has a very different culture than we do. If you meet a fellow Foreigner in the U.S. it makes them almost like family. My sister falls into that too because she's married in to their culture. I know it sounds weird, and it might be if this was NYC and N was an imported au pair, but she isn't.

The update is that DN is a happy little guy; my sister is dying for some time away and genuinely enjoys N's company, so and if DN cries, I will just go for a car ride and DH will stay home with DD. Babies are usually happy in the morning, which is when DH will be gone. It's only one day. Thanks for the advice.
______________________________
Update-ish/ To Clarify:

I appreciate everyone's advice. I am leaning towards telling DH to just go, get out of the house and then if DN screams he won't be here to hear it. I just wanted to post this to clarify. It's also downthread:


I would stay home. I assume that the nanny gets sometime off in a week long trip- usually 1-2 days anyways per week.

I would gently suggest that you are not just watching "another person's child". You are watching your nephew. A child you would presumably like to have an interest and relationship with....

Also I would point out that this is your husband's nephew too. Why are you both so adverse to spending time getting to know him?

I totally get what you're saying. I didn't mean to imply that I didn't want a relationship with him. I do! DH's fear and mine is that DN will scream the whole time because his mom and nanny aren't there, and he doesn't know us. I've visited with him a couple times, but his mom (my sis) has always been around. They're going to be gone for the whole day. Neither DH nor I did well when DD would cry for long periods of time. Yes, babies cry, but if they aren't yours and you don't know how to comfort him, it could be a loonnggg day. That's our fear. DH says I offered so quickly because I forgot what it's like to take care of a 1 year old, which I think is true. I was trying to be nice, but if I had really thought it through, I wouldn't have offered, not because I don't want to spend time with him, but because of the above fears DH and I have.

RE: The definition of family: DH and my sister don't get along. It's less pronounced than me and his sister, but there is tension there. That is part of why he doesn't want to be responsible for DN. If something goes awry, it could be fuel for the fire. I guess we are all hard to get along with, must run in the family :ROTFLMAO: But in our family, we don't really consider the spouse of the aunt/uncle to be related to the child in the way the blood relative is. For example, BIL (the DH of the SIL who I don't get along with) has never said 2 words to my DD ever in her whole life. He's not interested. Neither is my sister's DH interested in my DD. My sister is, but not her DH. It's just the way it has played out. I am prob the one who takes the most "interest" in SIL's children (who are DH's DNs) but honestly, it's just making small talk when I see them. At one point, I had hoped to be friend with SIL and have our girls grow up together (they live w/in 10 miles of us and we go to the same church), but SIL has made it clear over the years that she does not want that kind of relationship with me or DD. The only thing I have been able to do to stave off that hurt is to not be interested in her or the kids, because she isn't interested in us. As for my own sister, we are somewhat close and get on pretty well. I am interested in her son, but he's only a year, so my opportunity for a relationship is just beginning.

Oh and to clarify, DH had plans to go surfing with a friend that day, which I didn't know when I offered. DCL is right, I should not have "volunteered" without asking him...

___________________
I posted awhile back that my sister is coming to visit me from Chicago and bringing her nanny to help with her DS (exactly a year old). I thought it was odd, as did many of you, but it's what's happening and I have gotten used to the idea.

My sister and the nanny are now friends. Let's call her N. N is 32, like my sister. My BIL is from ForeignCountry, as is the nanny. In her home country, she is a high school math teacher. Her DH is a grad student at the university where my BIL is a professor. So that is how my sister came by the nanny. N is the wife of one of BIL's students. N, her DH, and my BIL are all from ForeignCountry.

Now the problem: the one thing N wants to do while she us here is go to Universal Studios. I've been there once and was not overly impressed when I went there pre-kids, so I said I didn't want to go, but I told my sister I would watch my nephew for the day so she and N could go. When I told DH that, he looked at me slack-jawed, and asked why I did that when she was bringing the nanny. I told him that this was the one thing N had asked to do, and Universal Studios is not a place to take small kids. I confirmed this just now by looking at their website. DH told me he doesn't want to spend the day Friday helping me watch DN and DD. But I know I will need his help. I have one 5 y.o. child and have not watched a young toddler is 4 years. In general, I do not like other people's children and I've never been alone with someone else's child for more than an hour. Yes, that's right. I don't trade babysitting. Ever.

DH thinks I have set myself up for failure. He said why don't I take DD and go with them to Universal Studios. Then I will be there to help with DN but it won't be all on me. I'm thinking I could wait with the kids while N and my sister go on rides. I'm not a rides person anyway. But why should I pay $$$ for me and DD to go to wait for them while they go on rides?

So forgetting the fact that N is a nanny, so it's odd for me to watch the baby so she can go to an amusement park, WWYD? Seriously, pretend N is a friend of my sisters. The question is, would you go to Universal and take DD or stay home with DN and DD knowing DH won't want to help me?

[TwinFoxes]

Of the choices, I'd stay home. Universal Studios in July with kids that age sounds like no fun at all if you don't like rides.

[ha98ed14]

Of the choices, I'd stay home. Universal Studios in July with kids that age sounds like no fun at all if you don't like rides.

Do you have any other thoughts or advice? Maybe I should plan a trip for me and the 2 kids somewhere else?

[MMMommy]

I would stay home with DN and DD. I don't think going to a hot, crowded amusement park and watching the kids while N and your sister go on rides all day will be any more enjoyable. You would essentially be watching the kids, but in a crowded and hot setting that you also have to pay for. I don't think N and your sister would have as good a time knowing you are waiting around with the kids while they go on rides. I would watch them at home.

[MommyAllison]

I'd stay home with DD and DN. Much easier to watch kids at home with plenty of toys, food, etc. than at an amusement park they won't be interested in.

However, most of our nieces & nephews live nearby and we babysit for each other regularly, so I know that colors my thinking.

[AnnieW625]

The only time I have been to Universal Studios was when I was 12 yrs. old (other than to go to the Wiggles concert in 2009) and while I had fun we are waiting a couple of years to go. There is also oodles of more stuff to do than there was years ago. Most people I know have fun when they go but they have older kids, like 8+.

I would stay home with your DD. I think your DH had the reaction he did because he knows that you are not comfortable with other people's kids. I don't think that is something to be mad at DH for. If you think you can handle the baby, great, but if not and the parents and nanny want to go to Universal Studios then you just need to let them go on there own. Tell your DH if he wants to go to Universal then he should go as well and have a good time.

[icunurse]

I'd stay home. Your 5 year old is at a reasonably self-sufficient age and may enjoy helping you take care of your DN or at least keeping her occupied and being another set of eyes. For one day, you can do it. I think it is very nice of you to offer to help.

[Green_Tea]

I'd stay home with DD and DN. Much easier to watch kids at home with plenty of toys, food, etc. than at an amusement park they won't be interested in.



:yeahthat:

I'd ask your DH to please help you for a few hours, but honestly, it will be fine. You might not like it, but it's not the end of the world or anything.

[DietCokeLover]

Ok, this may not be popular, but I don't think it's fair to expect your DH to help. You volunteered without his feedback, so this is on you. Of course, it would be nice if he helped, but I don't think it should fall on him.

I would stay home with them. If you are imagining being responsible for two children at home as being tough, then you don't even want to venture out with them. A whole different set of difficulties arise then.

[kbud]

Humm, I'd say stay home with the kids. Well really I'd have DH watch both kids and head to Universal with no kids;)

We are talking about your nephew right? I guess I don't think of that as watching other people's kids. I think of it as family. I also think of it as a great opportunity to bond with him and have fun. He can get to know you and you him. The cousins can have fun together. At 5 your dd should not be that much trouble and she is a great age to help out.

[Seitvonzu]

i'm not going to lie...when i trade babysitting with my friends (and i do from time to time), it is a chore for me. even if there kids are good, and our kids get along and everything goes smoothly? i'm just not great at it. i usually have a very elaborate "plan" full of extra fun ideas/special food/etc. to keep myself from tearing my hair out.

i still do it *shrug*

i know my kid plus , her personality makes it very easy for other people to watch her. she's very independent and 99 times out of a 100 this makes her extremely easy to take care of (esp when it's for a short time and your chances of hitting that 1 in 100 time is limited...believe you me, you don't want to be there for that! ;)) so...in a way , i understand your anxiety.

you can do it! i would NOT go. DH and i looked into universal for our "adult day" on our disney trip and we decided to do epcot instead. our child is 4 and very into rides (she went on tower of terror and was very put out that she couldn't go on the "rockin' roller coaster"), but universal didn't seem to have enough for her at all.

good luck!

[Seitvonzu]

i was all set to say "tough, dh" but then i read dietcokelover's response and sorta tweaked my irritation with him ;) i DO think that you are responsible for your nephew, because that's the offer you made. i think your DH could be expected to pitch in with your DD's needs, because, hello, he's her dad and he should be doing it anyway,right?

that's my two cents on that :)

[HannaAddict]

You offered, you will survive. Stay home with the kids, hope the baby will sleep. I wouldn't have left my one year old with a sitter (even family) they didn't know, but that's me. Does your sister have to go to Universal or would she ever give the nanny a day off to go herself? It isn't that odd, we have brought our nanny on vacation and when I gave her time off she seemed at a loss of what to do alone so I took her places she would like and to lunch (Maui). We aren't peers or friends per se, she was 24, but it was fine to socialize with her while my husband did kid duty for the afternoon.

[kijip]

I would stay home. I assume that the nanny gets sometime off in a week long trip- usually 1-2 days anyways per week.

I would gently suggest that you are not just watching "another person's child". You are watching your nephew. A child you would presumably like to have an interest and relationship with. He may not be your child, but he is kin. I assume part of the reason for the visit was for you to get to know him and your kids to bond. My nieces and nephews would all end up living with me if their parents died. I pray that never comes to pass, because I would like my brothers, SIL and BIL to stay very much alive but they all come over regularly- to play with my kids, to spend time with me and J and to give their parents a break. The rule for watching unrelated kids is much different than my nieces and nephews who are pretty much welcome whenever, with or without their parents.

That said, one outing where you watch both kids makes sense. If they left you watching your nephew a lot while they went off exploring all week together, that would irk me. You want to see your sister.

Also I would point out that this is your husband's nephew too. Why are you both so adverse to spending time getting to know him? I don't consider it "help" to look after my relatives for short amount of time. Honestly if you are both this adverse to children including your nieces and nephews, that might be part of your troubles with your SIL. (I know that is mainly them but all you can change is you.)

[SnuggleBuggles]

Be nice and babysit. It'll be fine. You can do anything for a night.

[ZeeBaby]

My nephews have spent 2-3 weeks per year with me since they were each 2. I have a different perspective. I am very happy and excited when they come. It is just one day, it won't be too bad.

[Multimama]

It's very nice of you to offer to babysit. I bet your sister and her friend will have a great time and be very grateful for the day without the kids. I would definitely stay home as I find it hard to go out all day with two kids and I do it all the time. :) Plus it's hot outside!

I agree that you should think of this as a great opportunity to bond with your nephew and I'm surprised your DH wouldn't want to take the opportunity to do that too. He's this baby's uncle just like you are his aunt. I find it very hard to watch other people's kids too, so I can sympathize, but your nephew doesn't have to be 'other people's kids' if you take opportunities like this to be closer to him, get to know him, and show your love for him.

I don't see how you can fail, really. He's one. He'll never remember even if he has a miserable day and your sister and her friend will be so grateful plus you'll get to spend quality time alone with your DN. Win, win, win. Even if it makes you miserable at the time I bet you'll get some great memories out of it.

[TwinFoxes]

Do you have any other thoughts or advice? Maybe I should plan a trip for me and the 2 kids somewhere else?

Actually, this is what I was thinking. I would rather go somewhere little kid friendly than sit at home all day with a 1 year old and a 5 year old bouncing off the walls. :) Maybe your DH would be more into going on an outing than just sitting around the house. That's kind of how I read his response, but maybe I was wrong? Anyway, I'd just pick somewhere kid friendly for a couple of hours, bring DN home for nap time, and I think the day would go more quickly.

I used to watch my DN when he was about that age, and I had zero experience with kids. It was so fun though. I bet you will enjoy it, being an aunt is cool. Admittedly, there wasn't a five year old to watch too, but you'd have to watch her anyway, right? Have fun!

[kijip]

I would stay home and set up a sprinkler and kiddy pool and let them play while you stay very close. Ask your sister what his fave foods are and have them ready. It will be fun and go by quicker than you think.

[speo]

In this situation, I would stay home and watch the kids and I wouldn't ask DH to help. You can definitely do this. And you'll have fun getting to know your nephew. I don't really think your DH has any responsibility here.

[crl]

I would babysit at home. It would be nice if dh would help, but fine if he doesn't. When I had just one kid, I didn't do much watching other people's kids and it made me nervous too. Now that I have two myself and I have done a lot more trading babysitting out of necessity, I have grown accustom to it. I still find it a bit of an energy drain, but it doesn't make me nervous anymore.

Personally, I'd plan a walk to a park or library or just around the neighborhood. And the baby pool and sprinkler are a great idea. I'd just make sure I had sunblock and easy lunch (cheese and crackers and fruit?) set up in advance. I think it will be just fine and you will be glad you did it.

Catherine

[Liziz]

First, I think it was really nice of you to offer to watch DN while your sister and the nanny go to Universal Studios. I definitely think you're smart to not bring the kiddos....especially in the middle of summer!

If your husband doesn't want to help watch the kids, fine...you definitely can do it by yourself. Even if it turns out to be an awful day (which I don't think it will!), it's just one day and I'm sure your sister will be very appreciative. However, I'd try to present this to my husband as a fun day for the four of you...a chance to get to know your DN better, and enjoy some extended family time. See if there's somewhere kid-friendly to go for a few hours, and the day will fly by.

FWIW, I don't think it's odd to offer to watch DN even though the nanny is there. She needs a day off, too....and when we have family in town, we often don't do 100% of things together....it gives everyone a little space so we enjoy each other more! Kid swapping like that seems totally normal.

[ha98ed14]

I would stay home. I assume that the nanny gets sometime off in a week long trip- usually 1-2 days anyways per week.

I would gently suggest that you are not just watching "another person's child". You are watching your nephew. A child you would presumably like to have an interest and relationship with....

Also I would point out that this is your husband's nephew too. Why are you both so adverse to spending time getting to know him?

I totally get what you're saying. I didn't mean to imply that I didn't want a relationship with him. I do! DH's fear and mine is that DN will scream the whole time because his mom and nanny aren't there, and he doesn't know us. I've visited with him a couple times, but his mom (my sis) has always been around. They're going to be gone for the whole day. Neither DH nor I did well when DD would cry for long periods of time. Yes, babies cry, but if they aren't yours and you don't know how to comfort him, it could be a loonnggg day. That's our fear. DH says I offered so quickly because I forgot what it's like to take care of a 1 year old, which I think is true. I was trying to be nice, but if I had really thought it through, I wouldn't have offered, not because I don't want to spend time with him, but because of the above fears DH and I have.

RE: The definition of family: DH and my sister don't get along. It's less pronounced than me and his sister, but there is tension there. That is part of why he doesn't want to be responsible for DN. If something goes awry, it could be fuel for the fire. I guess we are all hard to get along with, must run in the family :ROTFLMAO: But in our family, we don't really consider the spouse of the aunt/uncle to be related to the child in the way the blood relative is. For example, BIL (the DH of the SIL who I don't get along with) has never said 2 words to my DD ever in her whole life. He's not interested. Neither is my sister's DH interested in my DD. My sister is, but not her DH. It's just the way it has played out. I am prob the one who takes the most "interest" in SIL's children (who are DH's DNs) but honestly, it's just making small talk when I see them. At one point, I had hoped to be friend with SIL and have our girls grow up together (they live w/in 10 miles of us and we go to the same church), but SIL has made it clear over the years that she does not want that kind of relationship with me or DD. The only thing I have been able to do to stave off that hurt is to not be interested in her or the kids, because she isn't interested in us. As for my own sister, we are somewhat close and get on pretty well. I am interested in her son, but he's only a year, so my opportunity for a relationship is just beginning.

Oh and to clarify, DH had plans to go surfing with a friend that day, which I didn't know when I offered. DCL is right, I should not have "volunteered" without asking him...

[zephyr]

That's really sweet of you to offer to watch DN. About the separation anxiety, I've done a ton of babysitting for others and I've never had a one year old cry for their parents. Maybe that's just me, but I've only seen it in older kids like age 3 and up. With one year olds you can usually distract them pretty quickly. Plus at that age they nap a lot too, so hopefully that will be the case for you. Maybe your sister can watch your DD while you get some time to yourself, a different day.

[SnuggleBuggles]

One year olds don't cry that much. I think you've forgotten what they are like. It should be fine.

[megs4413]

I'll be totally honest and say you seem unreasonably terrified of a one year old. It's a baby, not a bomb.

I think it sounds like you would be most comfortable not watching your DN alone, so either hire a sitter to help you or tell your sister that you can't do it because your DH had other plans you weren't aware of when you offered.

ETA: I wanted to add that I think it's totally unreasonable and somewhat ridiculous that your sister thinks you should babysit when she's paying the nanny to come along on this trip. It's wildly inappropriate to have you sit at home alone with the kids while they go have a fun time at an amusement park...she's supposed to be coming to visit you, no? JMO!

[Hemlock]

I'll be totally honest and say you seem unreasonably terrified of a one year old. It's a baby, not a bomb.

I think it sounds like you would be most comfortable not watching your DN alone, so either hire a sitter to help you or tell your sister that you can't do it because your DH had other plans you weren't aware of when you offered.

:yeahthat: remember even if it is total chaos, it is only ONE DAY. Your sister will really appreciate the day off.

[SnuggleBuggles]

ETA: I wanted to add that I think it's totally unreasonable and somewhat ridiculous that your sister thinks you should babysit when she's paying the nanny to come along on this trip. It's wildly inappropriate to have you sit at home alone with the kids while they go have a fun time at an amusement park...she's supposed to be coming to visit you, no? JMO!

They invited OP but she won't go with them. Personally, I think she should go- it'll be fun (just b/c one experience wasn't great, doesn't mean it is always bad!). OP is the one that didn't want to go so offered to stay home. I think she set herself up for this situation as I 'm sure the nanny and sister weren't expecting her to decline the invite then volunteer to stay home with the kids.

[LBW]

FWIW - I also think it's really odd that your sister and the nanny would do something on their own and leave the kids w/you. So what if going there is the one thing the nanny wants to do? If she has the "day off" - why can't she go alone? Or, save it for another trip when it's her vacation.

All that said...

Just watch the kids yourself. You might be surprised at how well you can handle it. I suspect your daughter will LOVE being your helper for the day. If things are already a little strained between your DH and your sister/BIL, don't make it worse by either forcing him to give up his plans or asking your sister to change hers. I would, however, ask that they be home by XX time so that their trip doesn't turn into all day + dinner, etc.

[kijip]

I totally get what you're saying. I didn't mean to imply that I didn't want a relationship with him. I do! DH's fear and mine is that DN will scream the whole time because his mom and nanny aren't there, and he doesn't know us. I've visited with him a couple times, but his mom (my sis) has always been around. They're going to be gone for the whole day. Neither DH nor I did well when DD would cry for long periods of time. Yes, babies cry, but if they aren't yours and you don't know how to comfort him, it could be a loonnggg day. That's our fear. DH says I offered so quickly because I forgot what it's like to take care of a 1 year old, which I think is true. I was trying to be nice, but if I had really thought it through, I wouldn't have offered, not because I don't want to spend time with him, but because of the above fears DH and I have.

RE: The definition of family: DH and my sister don't get along. It's less pronounced than me and his sister, but there is tension there. That is part of why he doesn't want to be responsible for DN. If something goes awry, it could be fuel for the fire. I guess we are all hard to get along with, must run in the family :ROTFLMAO: But in our family, we don't really consider the spouse of the aunt/uncle to be related to the child in the way the blood relative is. For example, BIL (the DH of the SIL who I don't get along with) has never said 2 words to my DD ever in her whole life. He's not interested. Neither is my sister's DH interested in my DD. My sister is, but not her DH.



Oh and to clarify, DH had plans to go surfing with a friend that day, which I didn't know when I offered. DCL is right, I should not have "volunteered" without asking him...

Ok, I agree he should not have to give up his plans for this.

I understand your family dynamic a bit more because of this post. In my family it is different- we all take a pretty big interest in our nieces and nephews (spouses and bio equally) even of we can not tolerate our siblings at the moment. I mean, from 2007-2009 I had a restraining order on one of my brothers so we are not the perfect happy close hunky dory family. Far from it. But it's just different, not better or worse.

I would encourage you to develop a bond with your nephew - even 1 year olds have personalities that shine through. Snacks, sprinkler, maybe some finger painting and you will be his favorite person for the day.

One advantage of being an aunt is kinda like being a grandparent- you get to spoil a little. My kids call graham crackers and Popsicles cousin crackers and cousin pops because when the cousins are here, the answer to the "can we have Popsicles?" question is more likely to be yes if cousins are underfoot (crowd control technique for 4-5 kids) And at their cousins houses they get things we don't have much- tater tots, McDonald's and nutty bars.

[hillview]

Well so I'd go with my sister just because I don't get to see her often. That said since going isn't appealing to you I think it is totally reasonable and lovely of you to watch DN and if DH is busy that seems fine. ENJOY!

[rachelh]

I did not read all the responses but I think you will be fine watching your nephew by yourself. I think your he and your DD will be enthralled with each other and that you are worried for no reason. I do think the situation is a bit odd - your sister bringing a nanny and then leaving her son so she can spend time with nanny but that is a different story. If my sister/SILs were in town, I would force them out for some fun without their kids and gladly watch my neices and nephews.

[Tenasparkl]

Universal has a promo for southern california residents where if you buy a ticket online for one day then you get a pass for a year for free. Does getting the chance to go back for free make going any more appealing? I know there's a fun curious George area for younger kids that your daughter might like.

[JustMe]

I think I might address the possibility of DN spending the day screaming directly with your sis. Something like "Sis, I did not think of this when I offered, but do you think dn is going to be okay being with me all day when you are at Universal Studios? It occurred to me that he does not know me all that well, and I would hate for him to spend the whole day being miserable because he misses you and N and is not that used to me. Do you think there's any possibilty of that?". Then see how she responds. I would not bring up that it will be hard for you if he screams, etc, but stay focused on the child's experience.

Unless your sister all of a sudden states that she thinks it will be too hard for her ds and its not a good idea, I would still watch dn for her. Because you offered, because in general as others have said its not that hard to distract the *typical* one year old, because she's your sister, because its only one day, etc. I tend to agree that I would stay home with lots of distractions/fun things that could be done as well as possible short trips/walks.

I will also be the voice of dissent and say I don't think its that odd that sis wants to go to Universal with the nanny. Sounds like they have a friendship/familial relationship beyond her being a nanny. Op had said she did not want to go. My sister visits about twice a year for a week each and, while we have a good relationship, we are both happy to do something separate from each other for some of the time that she is here.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

[ha98ed14]

I will also be the voice of dissent and say I don't think its that odd that sis wants to go to Universal with the nanny. Sounds like they have a friendship/familial relationship beyond her being a nanny. Op had said she did not want to go. My sister visits about twice a year for a week each and, while we have a good relationship, we are both happy to do something separate from each other for some of the time that she is here.


This is very much how it is, in part because they have a cultural bond. N and BIL are from ForeignCounty, which has a very different culture than we do. If you meet a fellow Foreigner in the U.S. it makes them almost like family. My sister falls into that too because she's married in to their culture. I know it sounds weird, and it might be if this was NYC and N was an imported au pair, but she isn't.

The update is that DN is a happy little guy; my sister is dying for some time away and genuinely enjoys N's company, so and if DN cries, I will just go for a car ride and DH will stay home with DD. Babies are usually happy in the morning, which is when DH will be gone. It's only one day. Thanks for the advice.

[Tondi G]

If you did decide you want to go to Universal then bring water gear for the kids (water shoes/sandals and towels). They have a big water play area... with the big bucket that dumps water down on the play structure. My boys loved that! They also have a play structure over sand as well as one of those rooms with the foam balls that the kids can put in the pipes and shoot around.

http://www.universalstudioshollywood.com/attractions/the-adventures-of-curious-george/

I can fully understand not wanted to pay all that money for just that though. If you were interested in going back with your DD you could get the pay for a day and get the rest of the year free thing.

My DS2 loves the animal actors show too!