regressions b/c of coming baby?

[lmh2402]

DS is in just a very tough...weird...not so great spot these days.

several behaviors that had gotten better are now reappearing with a vengeance. and we're having some new issues as well.

examples include:
- renewed fear of heights: since he turned about 18 months, we were no longer able to lay him on a changing table to change his diaper. and he started freaking out at the pedi's office if they tried to get him to lay back on the table. BUT these things were easily dealt with and it didn't seem to extend much beyond that. however, he is now freaking out if we bring him up on our bed. he cried the other day driving over a bridge, begging to get the car back down on the ground. he has his six month appt at the dentist last week and i had to practically sit on him to keep him in the chair he was in such hysterics - he has NEVER given a hard time at the dentist before and he's been going every six months since a little over a year.

- hysteria over water near his eyes: one thing we never had a problem with was bath time. he always loved his baths and never ever, ever cried except on a few occasions when he had very bad diaper rash and i think he was in pain. but in the last month or so, he has become an absolute nightmare at every bath. the second the water starts running, he starts crying about not wanting his hair washed/not wanting water in his eyes. no matter what measures we take/precautions we offer him to make sure he knows there will be no water in his eyes, he screams and cries through the whole thing. as of last week, this suddenly started carrying over into his swim lessons. he LOVES his swim lessons. has never given a hard time there either. until now. he ran screaming out of the pool area that he didn't want water on his face. he is also refusing to set foot near our town pool this year. and part of the reason is "water near my face."

- bugs: we are having hysterical night wakings each night about bugs coming to get him. he went to the town pool a grand total of one time this year for 30 minutes and our sitter brought him back b/c she said he was crying hysterically that there bugs in the water. he didn't go near the water. he just insisted there were bugs there. when he plays outside, he will often insist on coming in if he sees bugs. even an ant on the ground.

the list could go on and on. but long story short, he is acting all kinds of...crazy, honestly.

we're also way, way back to weird perseveration - lining things up, getting nuts if the cards he lines up on the floor bump each other and aren't perfectly straight. needing to play the same "games" over and over again - he wants to play these games he made up of truck and letter "hints" again and again. even though he knows the answers. he would play for hours on end, if our sanity would allow us to do it.

he's extremely aggressive - lots, LOTS more hitting and screaming and just violent tantrums. it's really not cool.

and also almost seeming manic. his breathing is constantly rapid and shallow. he literally will walk around/run around at random points throughout the day just shaking his head back and forth in like rapid "no" shake.

he cannot seem to calm down. always hyped to the nth degree.

his OTs are saying he's "extremely dis-regulated" right now. no kidding.

but at this point, their suggestions of trying to go back-to-basics of lots and lots of deep touch and massage, and rhythmical, calming movement is just not really helping as much as i would hope. first of all, he's too hyped to allow it most of the time. he is like bouncing off the walls.

i don't know what to do. i do know that we're going to have a new baby in this house some time in the next 10-14 days and then i'm really not going to have a ton of time to try and figure things out.

i know the coming baby is freaking him out. i know the loss of school routine has been hard for him. and the au pair, even though it's been two months, it's still new for him - takes him SO long to adjust to anything.

i'm just at a loss and really frightened for what is going to happen when the baby actually comes. i feel like DS' head might explode

any ideas/advice/btdt? my poor boy. he's driving himself...and me...absolutely nuts!

[AnnieW625]

Your DS is probably stressed about the baby and that could be causing his regression, but some of the things like the height thing and the water thing seem normal for a 3 yr. old, their behavior is just soo unpredictable.

Have you mentioned any of these behaviors to your pediatrician? Are there any dietary changes you have made to his diet recently? Is he like this with the Au Pair as well? Is he like this when your parents, or your DH are around, or it just you?

[janine]

we had regression after the baby was here by DD1 (3.5yrs):

Also had renewed fears (going down stairs).

Very clingy.

More tantrums and episodes of anger/frustration (more intense than usual).

Reclaimed baby toys again.

Wants to use teether, eat baby food.

Sucking fingers.

Each phased out pretty quickly and thankfully weren't all at once...I think it is normal :). You may just have to roll with it and let it work itself out. Or have DH more dedicated to your first child once the baby is here - only way to survive those early days. GL!

[lmh2402]

thanks, ladies


Your DS is probably stressed about the baby and that could be causing his regression, but some of the things like the height thing and the water thing seem normal for a 3 yr. old, their behavior is just soo unpredictable.

ok, this makes me feel better. i feel like we're so accustomed to assuming it's some sort of manifestation of an "issue" with DS, that my mind immediately goes to "now what?!"


Have you mentioned any of these behaviors to your pediatrician? Are there any dietary changes you have made to his diet recently? Is he like this with the Au Pair as well? Is he like this when your parents, or your DH are around, or it just you?

no hadn't talked to pedi about it. no dietary changes. he's had a tough run with health over the last month and a little bit. first a very prolonged and bad case of strep and sinus infection. then well for a week, followed by about 12 days of awful diarrhea. so he's only been back to "normal" tummy-wise for about a week. as for when the behavior manifests - it's all the time. around anyone. au pair, me, dh, my parents...everyone.


we had regression after the baby was here by DD1 (3.5yrs):

Also had renewed fears (going down stairs).

Very clingy.

More tantrums and episodes of anger/frustration (more intense than usual).

Reclaimed baby toys again.

Wants to use teether, eat baby food.

Sucking fingers.

Each phased out pretty quickly and thankfully weren't all at once...I think it is normal :). You may just have to roll with it and let it work itself out. Or have DH more dedicated to your first child once the baby is here - only way to survive those early days. GL!

i was/am expecting some regressions when baby arrives. which is why i'm so freaked out that things have been so hard for the last month+ without baby even being here yet. but i do need to remember that he was sick for a while.

i'm just hoping all of this gets worked through b/c he is just so obviously stressed out. whenever he goes into one of his meltdowns - several times a day - he just screams and sobs, "i want to be happy! i can't be happy! i can't think happy thoughts! i want you to be happy! i want you to make me happy!"

it's...awful.

[janine]

That is tough I'm sorry. I do think it's stress from anticipation of new baby - he must be more aware than other kids at this stage (before baby). Maybe he will be less stressed after the baby is here as the anticipation will be relieved. My DD had a tough adjustment after...even in the hospital...all the photos speak a thosand words when you look at her expression. Stonefaced but looks like she is doing everything she can to not cry. She would not look at the baby directly. I had thought it would be like all the other hospital photos I've seen with older sibling adoringly holding the newborn!

I think he will work through it but I can imagine it is tough. Maybe keep reassuring him..you are happy, you will be happy, everything is just fine. I hope others can chime in who have gone through regression before a baby's arrival.

[pinkmomagain]

IMHO, you may have yourself an anxious kid. Sure the nanny and the baby coming increases the anxiety, but the baseline may be that he's an anxious kid. You have a lot on your plate with the baby coming, but I'd do some reading about how to deal with anxiety in children and if you're up to it, I'd get a recommendation for a therapist who can help coach you on how best to handle things. And if you can't add any of that to your plate right now (which is completely understandable), I would simply try to keep life as routinized (is that a word?) as possible. Structure, predictability, as best you can. It will be comforting for him.

[Aishe]

DD had some major regressions shortly before ds was born. She was just shy of 3yo at the time so approximately the same age as your ds. She suddenly wanted to be held all.the.time when I was 9mo pregnant and I just couldn't do it. We were living in a third floor walkup at the time and I ended up bribing her with ice cream way more than I care to admit just to get her to walk up the stairs herself. She also got weirdly obsessed with diapers. She wanted to use all the newborn diapers for her stuffed animals and would flip out when I tried to limit the number she could have.

The other thing to remember is that 3yo is just a hard age, at least IME. I remember feeling so guilty when dd was 3 because I just didn't enjoy her very much. So some of it may be regression, but some of it may just be 3yo weirdness. Either way, it passes, of course, and then you can just repress the memory, as I do:)

ETA: dd was in daycare at the time and several of her classmates had pregnant mothers as well. The teachers told me that all those children were having quirky regressions and they thought it was pretty typical.

[AnnieW625]

---- he just screams and sobs, "i want to be happy! i can't be happy! i can't think happy thoughts! i want you to be happy! i want you to make me happy!"

it's...awful.

Wow, my semi dramatic DD1 who even at her worst and now 6 yrs. old has never once told me something like that. She'll flat out tell me she likes DH better or that I am making her have a bad day, but nothing like that. She does have very high expectations of herself (she was in tears about 3 weeks before school ended because she got a non smiley face on her behavior grading sheet for the first time all year) though so that is hard, but I would be in tears and very frustrated if she told me she just wanted to make me happy and that she couldn't think happy thoughts, esp. at just over 3 yrs. old.

I'll keep the mojo and thoughts coming your way.

[edurnemk]

we had regression after the baby was here by DD1 (3.5yrs):

Also had renewed fears (going down stairs).

Very clingy.

More tantrums and episodes of anger/frustration (more intense than usual).

Reclaimed baby toys again.

Wants to use teether, eat baby food.

Sucking fingers.


DS is 4.5 and has exhibited all these behaviors in the last month, the baby isn't even here yet. His renewed fear is going to sleep by himself / darkness / "monsters" in his bedroom at night.

Also getting him to eat lunch and dinner now is a struggle that takes over an hour, with LOTS of drama.

He's been acting out a lot, aggressive, hitting me and my mom, screaming in frustration at every.little.thing. flat out refusing to obey me... He's spent a LOT of time in his bedroom this month (I send him to his room when he has a meltdown or misbehaves badly).

[Indianamom2]

IMHO, you may have yourself an anxious kid. Sure the nanny and the baby coming increases the anxiety, but the baseline may be that he's an anxious kid. You have a lot on your plate with the baby coming, but I'd do some reading about how to deal with anxiety in children and if you're up to it, I'd get a recommendation for a therapist who can help coach you on how best to handle things. And if you can't add any of that to your plate right now (which is completely understandable), I would simply try to keep life as routinized (is that a word?) as possible. Structure, predictability, as best you can. It will be comforting for him.

I agree. I have a very anxious DD (almost 8 now) and while her behaviors were different, they were similarly extreme at that age.

We are just beginning some therapy for anxiety now, otherwise I'd offer more specific advice, but I do think this is not just the norm. :hug:

[mytwosons]

The recent strep makes me wonder if he could have PANDAS. It's basically strep induced OCD. Any chance your ped would be open to a 10-day trial of zithro to see if the symptoms get better?

ETA: Since he was just on antibiotics, it could be he now has a yeast imbalance in his gut. The yeast overgrowth can cause hyperactivity and sensory issues. If you try another round of antibiotics, I would also ask for an anti-fungal like Diflucan.

[gatorsmom]

i'm just hoping all of this gets worked through b/c he is just so obviously stressed out. whenever he goes into one of his meltdowns - several times a day - he just screams and sobs, "i want to be happy! i can't be happy! i can't think happy thoughts! i want you to be happy! i want you to make me happy!"

it's...awful.

Greenbean used to do this. As he's getting older he's getting better. I have noticed that on the day DH and I are stressed, he becomes VERY anxious. I noticed it in particular one day. DH saw Greenbean approaching his laptop and since Greenbean was in a particularly distructive mood that day, DH flipped out and started screaming not to touch his laptop. Greenbean couldn't calm down for the entire day. Even that night he had a hard time getting to sleep. And I've noticed that when I joke around with Greenbean and assure him that everything is fine, he is much more relaxed and happy. He REALLY feeds off our emotions. They affect him so much more than the other kids. I've had to change myself so much to help keep him calm and confident. It's been hard because I'm normally an anxious person.

[maestramommy]

IMHO, you may have yourself an anxious kid. Sure the nanny and the baby coming increases the anxiety, but the baseline may be that he's an anxious kid. You have a lot on your plate with the baby coming, but I'd do some reading about how to deal with anxiety in children and if you're up to it, I'd get a recommendation for a therapist who can help coach you on how best to handle things. And if you can't add any of that to your plate right now (which is completely understandable), I would simply try to keep life as routinized (is that a word?) as possible. Structure, predictability, as best you can. It will be comforting for him.

No experience, but I would agree. The whole thing about crying, "I want to be happy, want you to be happy," you've mentioned him doing that before, and it just doesn't sound typical. Along with his regressions it sounds like someone who is really, really stressed out, which doesn't sound right either, for such a little kid. I think sticking adamantly to his daily routine is very sound, until you can find a therapist to help you figure out how to navigate his moods.

[lmh2402]

thanks, everyone

we have consulted...several times...with a psychologist. who feels DS is really too little to do much with.

melinda, you're right - the whole "want to be happy" thing is not new and we've discussed it with him, along with a number of other behaviors at other times that i thought were clear signs of an anxiety disorder

the doctor, to my surprise, said he actually didn't think DS had anxiety issues, so much as his sensory issues were so overwhelming at times, that he would combat this by trying to exert even more control over things. so when things felt really overwhelming due to sensory overload, he would flip into super control/freak out mode.

i don't know. i'm just so sick of spending every minute of every day trying to not step on the wrong line on the floor.

or fighting battles over why he suddenly feels compelled to have EVERY light in the house on. if the lights are not on. even in the middle of the day, he cries that it's too dark.

and i'm sick to DEATH of being sad for him. he's 3. he should be happy. and don't get me wrong, he is happy a lot of the time. but it's all so fragile. it can turn so quickly. and it does turn so often. and it is absolutely heartbreaking to see how hard he is constantly working to try and make sure he can arrange things to be "ok" in his mind. breaks my heart. and is exhausting.

anyway, thanks for the feedback.

our OT today said maybe we could try sitting with him during a period when he's happy and feeling good, and talking about a few things that DO make him happy. and then creating visual index cards of those things - like hugging his lovie, or sitting with mommy. and then, when he gets into a spiral of upset, maybe break out the cards and tell him to pick one or two things, that way he feels like he's actively doing something/controlling something to make himself feel better.

i don't know...i'm not sure he's old enough to understand that. but maybe we'll try it.

[pinkmomagain]

He is so young. But dd2 was around 4/5yo when I started seeing the child psychologist. The dr only met my daughter a couple of times. Nearly all sessions were with me alone. I would relate issues that had come up and she would tell me how I should've handled them. You mentioned that you've consulted with a psychologist already several times...is it the same one each time? Because I might call around and try to find someone who has experience with really young children. Your ds is very young for therapy, IMO, but the way you handle situations can help somewhat with these behaviors you've described. Not to place any blame on you at.all. It's just that there are skills that can be learned and applied to help squash some of the obsessions/compulsions/anxious tantrums before they snowball rather than inadvertantly reinforce. I know from experience.

I so feel for you and your DS and I'm sending virtual hugs your way.

[BDKmom]

My DS definitely started sensing change a month or two before I had DD, and he's almost a year younger than your DS. He started getting more clingy, especially to DH, and more afraid of things (interestingly enough, bugs and water in his eyes at bath time were two of his biggies). He definitely pulled away from me a bit when DD was born, and is really just staring to warm back up to me and let me do things for him. His anxieties/fears are starting to lessen, but he still has his moments for sure.

I wish I had some tricks to share to make it better, but for us really the only thing that has helped is time. He is starting to get used to our new family member and the attention she requires. And on the positive side, he has been nothing but precious with her.

Good luck to you. Hang in there!

[elektra]

He is so young. But dd2 was around 4/5yo when I started seeing the child psychologist. The dr only met my daughter a couple of times. Nearly all sessions were with me alone. I would relate issues that had come up and she would tell me how I should've handled them. You mentioned that you've consulted with a psychologist already several times...is it the same one each time? Because I might call around and try to find someone who has experience with really young children. Your ds is very young for therapy, IMO, but the way you handle situations can help somewhat with these behaviors you've described. Not to place any blame on you at.all. It's just that there are skills that can be learned and applied to help squash some of the obsessions/compulsions/anxious tantrums before they snowball rather than inadvertantly reinforce. I know from experience.

I so feel for you and your DS and I'm sending virtual hugs your way.

lmh-
This sounds like really good advice to me. Have you ever talked to a therapist for yourself? I didn't realize that a child psychologist would work with parents like this but it makes perfect sense. I know that in your situation, I would probably not want to go through the exhaustion of hashing out all my mommy issues and such with a "regular" psychologist, when all I really wanted was some help in both reacting to and nurturing my child in the best way possible, mostly for their sake but also for my own.
I mean maybe you're supposed to be going along with his requests to keep all the lights on and not step on cracks ( I can see how this might be the best way to keep him calm) but maybe it really just feeds into his anxieties and inadvertently reinforces them like pinkmomagain mentioned. I really do not know but a professional likely would.
I do think that some regressions, clingyness etc. is completely normal and it happened with my DD. But since your DS is prone to be very sensitive to change, how his "impending sibling insecurities" manifest would probably be more pronounced.
I definitely don't want to stress you out more but it seems like you could use some nurturing too. I think it would not only help you out with your own anxieties, but it would help your son too.
I truly wish you the best of luck with everything regarding your DS and your new baby on the way.