what do you say when people comment on how big your kids are?

[hillview]

DSs are both 99% for height. DS1 is literally about 4 inches taller than our next door neighbor kids who are 6 months older than he is. So since birth they've been big and when people say that, I've just agreed that they are big kids (they are) "yes they are big / tall for their age" HOWEVER with the kids getting older and little ears listening more often I've started to wonder if this is ok for them or if i need to answer in some other way. They are not fat DS1 is 86% for weight and 99% height -- he is pretty slim, I don't get him slim fits because DS2 is stockier and I want them to share clothes :) DS2 is stockier but has slimmed out more this year and again I am not concerned that he is fat or will be fat (he was 99% for height and weight at last check up -- is based on my home calculations 96% for height and maybe 97% or so for weight).

What do you say when people comment IN FRONT of the kids about how big they are?

[crl]

Well, ds is tall and skinny. Usually I get comments in his height. I just agree that he is tall. Interestingly he has said a few times lately that he doesn't like being tall. I think because he doesn't like sticking out. Not sure what else to do though. He really is tall and agreeing seems like the easiest way to end the topic.

Dd is big, but she's a toddler so I just agree that she is big. If she were older, I might try to deflect with something else like, "and she loves to climb so it's a good thing she is tall enough to reach the playground equipment."

Catherine

[TwinFoxes]

If it's any comfort, people sometimes tell me my girls are "tall" when they've never been more than 50th percentile. :shrug: Anyway, if if your DC were girls' I'd be more concerned, but being a big guy just doesn't have the same negative connotations as being a big girl can in our society. Especially since they're not overweight, I would probably just let it slide.

[BabbyO]

People always tell me how big my kids are and they usually run in the 25 - 35% percentile for both weight and height. If after a growth spurt they may jump to 50th. I don't really worry about it.

As for being in front of the kids...if they question it I guess I'd just say the person thinks they are growing up big and strong...or is surprised by how much they've grown since there were last seen.

[elektra]

Hmm, I am always answering people's questions like that too- maybe I am not approaching it correctly either.
Neither of my kids seemed to be phased by the fact that people usually comment about how big DS seems and how little DD seems when they are together.
I guess it makes sense to just acknowledge it and not turn it into anything negative (which it of course isn't!).

Funny that people have mentioned DD being tall too, even though she really isn't based on averages.

[mmommy]

DD1 is 3 and has been off the charts tall since birth she is taller than many 5 year olds now But I am very conscious of how we talk about bodies because being a girl can be tough, and MIL and SIL have serious (uncontrolled/unacknowledged) body issues. I usually just say "I always wanted to be taller myself" or "she's also very smart/funny/silly" or something similar. She is tall, so there is no stopping the comment from coming, but I try to say something to move the conversation on so that it doesn't remain a focus. Meanwhile, we have a babysitter who plays women's basketball in college, so she has a great tall athletic female role model. And I try to talk to DDs about all of their other characteristics more (how DD1 is a good friend, has a nice singing voice, etc) to take the focus away from appearance.

[elbenn]

I think if you respond like "Yes, they're lucky they are so big and strong" or in some other manner like it is a compliment, then your DC will have a good association with those comments.

[hillview]

I think if you respond like "Yes, they're lucky they are so big and strong" or in some other manner like it is a compliment, then your DC will have a good association with those comments.

see I LOVE this however it is often done in front of the other person's SMALL child :) so I don't want to inadvertently slam their DC ...

[infocrazy]

I usually joke that I think so too and I've asked them to stop growing but they insist on it.

[KpbS]

I think if you respond like "Yes, they're lucky they are so big and strong" or in some other manner like it is a compliment, then your DC will have a good association with those comments.

I like this response a lot. I would say, "they are really growing up!" :) and leave it at that.

[Kindra178]

Look on the bright side, I guess. At least both your kids are big. I always hear about how two are big and one is "so small." Like I didn't know? Next, people become doctors, "twin to twin transfusion?" or "I guess the big one took all the nutrients from the little one?" Actually, no to both.

So here is what I say, "God made us in all shapes and sizes. We are very blessed." I am not one to invoke God to strangers or in everyday life but that statement, for some reason, usually quiets people. I say also that for the kids to hear. They will be meeting people in all shapes and sizes and colors as well so it's a good lesson.

[queenmama]

DS is tall and lanky like his dad, so I always "thank" his genes when people comment.

DD is an infant, and I'm more worried about how she'll turn out, simply because I'm afraid to deal with body image issues (not that boys don't have it, too, mine just doesn't seem to mind). So far she's 95% for height and 90% for weight... Will she remain a beast or level off? IDK, but I want her to be proud of herself no matter how tall or short or thin or not-thin she ends up.

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[AnnieW625]

I don't get offended, but then I find things like this very interesting, and am always amazed when I see kids who are the same age as my kids and are in the 99% for height. I think it is cool, but then I have always wanted to be taller than I am. Both of my girls have never been more than 85% for height, but there was a time when DD1 was 3 yrs. old and 38" tall that I thought she'd be a heck of lot taller than she is now, and people always asked me how old she was because she was soo tall (I think between 2 and 3 she measured at 85%). In May at her 6 yr. check up she was just 44" tall, she grew 6" in 3 yrs. . Nice thing is she can still pass for a 5 yr. old so at places like Souplantation (salad bar restaurant) I have no problem saying she is only 5 yrs. old so I get the 2-5 price vs. the 6-12 price when I know she won't eat a whole lot anyways. Now if they catch me then I'll happily pay, but if they don't then okay.

DD2 is also following the same growth curve heightwise that DD1 did at this age so I get comments about how tall she is, but it will be interesting to see if her height growth slowed down as much as DD1's did as soon as she turns 3.

[cuca_]

DD2 is off the charts tall, and people often comment on it. I always respond that yes she is very tall. DD2 is pretty proud of being tall, and sometimes mentions how she is as tall as some 10 year olds. Many of her friends are much shorter than she is and its never been an issue.

When people comment that DCs will be very tall when they grow up I remind my kids that we have both tall and short people in our extended families, and that we don't know, nor does it matter, whether they will end up being tall or not.

[mommylamb]

if your DC were girls' I'd be more concerned, but being a big guy just doesn't have the same negative connotations as being a big girl can in our society. Especially since they're not overweight, I would probably just let it slide.

:yeahthat: DS1 is 91st percentile for height and 75th percentile for weight, so clearly a tall, lean kid. I take it as a complement when people remark on how big he is.

[boolady]

If it's any comfort, people sometimes tell me my girls are "tall" when they've never been more than 50th percentile. :shrug: Anyway, if if your DC were girls' I'd be more concerned, but being a big guy just doesn't have the same negative connotations as being a big girl can in our society. Especially since they're not overweight, I would probably just let it slide.

And this is why I do get angsty when people comment on DD's size. She's always over 97th percentile in height and 75th percentile in weight, so not overweight at all, she's actually quite muscular and lean, but I do worry that at some point, it's not cool to be the girl who towers over everyone else, including every boy. When she is with a group of her peers, she is almost always the tallest. I'm 5'4 1/2" inches and would love for her to be taller than that, but until I hit puberty, I was almost always the tallest in my class and it made me self conscious.

I'd like to think that we're more evolved than that as a society, but I'm not sure that we don't still value the sweet, cute petite little girls more than the ones who can hit the cover off of a tee ball but aren't exactly dainty.

ETA: I don't think if it weren't for my concerns about the implications for a tall girl, I would be bothered by it.

[Tondi G]

I have 2 very tall kids. My DS1 is also overweight so he is a big kid all around. When he was a toddler people always said "oh man you got a little line backer in the making" and told me he HAD to play football! Men still say he should be playing ball!

DS2 was the tallest boy in his 1st grade class.

We always joke cause I am 5'5'' and DH is 5'11'' so not particularly tall that there must be something in the water or it's the growth hormones in the milk!

I don't know why it's a problem for your kids to hear that yes they are tall and strong growing boys.... cause they are! I would take it as a compliment. I always tell my boys what my ped told us that yes they will both probably grow to over 6 feet tall but we won't know till they are 18 if they will be 6ft or 6'5''. We just have to wait and see!

[rachelh]

DD2 is 95th percentile for height and 40th percentile for weight – very tall and lean! When people comment to me it usually is something the lines of “how old is she?” and when I respond with her age they usually say “wow, she is really tall!” My usual response is “yup – she is in the 95th percentile for height. I don’t know where she gets it from.” I really don’t take offense to it.

Apparently, people ask the sitter in the park how old DD2 is. They usually just assume she is 3 ½ and ask why she isn’t in school/if she is going to school next year. The sitter usually responds with something snarky so they should mind their own business.

[Philly Mom]

This is very interesting to me. I am not tall (5'4"). My brothers are both over 6'. I always wished to be tall. I think I mention it all the time to people if I think their kids look big (tall) because I wish I was tall and would love my DC to be tall (unlikely as DH is not 5'8", although his grandmother was 6'). I always mean it as a compliment, but now will know not to say it. My DD is very chunky, only 11 months so it is adorable, but I get nervous that she will remain chunky.

[MontrealMum]

I'll tell you what we don't say anymore....DH used to always respond, "yes, he's a giant". I told him he had to stop saying that as it was going to give DS a complex. What seemed funny to him when he was a baby is really a very bad idea.

Usually I just nod and agree, or say that the people in my family are tall, or something like that. It's a frequent occurrence because people where we live are on the small side - at 5'7" I am taller than many men here - so it's just something DS is going to have to get used to.

What bothers me more is when people don't ask or know his age, and give him the stink eye for "inappropriate behavior", when he's in actuality 1-2 years younger than they assume that he is.

[hbridge]

I just reply "Yes" and leave it at that.

DC is VERY tall and I get comments ALL THE TIME! The worst is those who assume and age and then expect the behavior for that age. When DC was not quite three and just started preschool I had a woman yell at me about why my child wasn't in school. Um, today is an off day! "No, the town has school today and I know that Kindergarten is in session". Yep, I had to defend my under three year old for not being in Kindergarten simply because of size.

People can be so strange :)

[BabyMine]

M is in the 25% percentile for height and weight.
TT is in the 90% for height 80% for weight.

I do get this comment a lot. Especially when they find out the ages.

I just tell them that M is my quaterback, or kicker, and TT is my linebacker.
I also tell people that they have their daddy's metabolism.

DH couldn't gain weight to get into high school football.
My side of the family gains weight by watching Food TV.

It doesn't bother me when people comment.

[Cam&Clay]

DS1 has always been very tall. When people gasp over his height and how fast he is growing, I usually say, "Yes, we've been considering not feeding him, but he insists."

[Cam&Clay]

What bothers me more is when people don't ask or know his age, and give him the stink eye for "inappropriate behavior", when he's in actuality 1-2 years younger than they assume that he is.

I had trouble with this as well with DS1. He easily looked 6 or 7 when he was 4 and I often had to remind people that he was only 4. On the other hand, DS2 is extremely small for his age, so I get compliments all the time on his "verbal abilities" when it's merely a case of people think he is a year or two younger than he really is!

[smilequeen]

I guess it depends on what they say exactly. I've never had anyone say anything other than that my boys are tall (and they are more like 75-80th%ile). I just agree. I'm not sure how I'd feel if someone said just plain big? No one could say that about my 5 year old he's so darn skinny, but my 7 year old is definitely athletic. Not an ounce of fat on him, but you can tell he's a muscular kid. Big has different connotations in our culture YK? I've been called big (even when I was skinny) b/c I'm tall and I don't like it.

[georgiegirl]

I'm sorry if I ever offended anyone with that comment. My DS is consistently 25%, and he's pretty much a shrimp compared to everyone we meet. So when we meet a kid a year younger who is the same age as him, I do comment how he/she is really big, but I always say my kid is small. Dd used to be small too, but now she's very average. The funny thing is that people will comment on how big/small she is, and I always chime in, well she's very average for height and weight. Sometimes people will say DS is big. Um yeah.

People will always comment on something.

Eta: conversely if we meet a kid who is really small (this boy at DD's came is smaller than her but he's a year older than her), I never say that he/she is really small. For some reason it seems socially acceptable to comment on how large a kid is but not how small they are. (especially for boys.)

[specialp]

I'm not there yet, but expect I will be at DH and his siblings are all very tall and DH heard it all his life.


The worst is those who assume and age and then expect the behavior for that age.

This is what my SIL dealt with a lot with her children.

[DualvansMommy]

I feel for you, as I've a feeling that will be so me & DS in few years time. My 13 months old DS is extremely tall; 31 half inches tall at his 1 year old checkup which places him in 90% percentile for height and 85% for his weight at 25.3lbs. A lot of people are often surprised how heavy my DS cuz he doesn't look it from looking at him.

[hillview]

I agree -- the age expectations gap is a challenge as well. I try to often mention how old my kids are esp DS2 as his behavior can be a little crazy (some ADD) so the fact that he is almost 5 and the SIZE of a 7 year old is rough. That said my concern was more on the "wow he is really big" comment -- I don't want my kids to feel freakish or anything. I don't think there is anything wrong with being tall -- I am a happy 5'10" ... DS1 is very sensitive and so my concern is more that he might mis interpret this comment as a negative. I think that I will work on adding something positive when someone says this. thanks all!

[KLD313]

My DD is tall and people constantly tell me how big she is. I just say hopefully she'll stay that way and not be short like me.

[abh5e8]

dd, age 5 and ds, age 3 are a full 21 months apart, but i regularly get asked if they are twins. i usually say, "no, she is tall like her mommy and he is tall like his daddy" since dh is tall and i'm short :)

[Simon]

I consider that a form of small talk because people say it about my kids who are really quite small. Ds1 is under the 10th% and Ds2 just fell off the growth charts! Still, I hear about how tall they are :tongue5:

Mostly I just smile and nod or say, "Yes, Ds1 has long legs" or something that is relevant and truthful.

[blue]

IThat said my concern was more on the "wow he is really big" comment -- I don't want my kids to feel freakish or anything. I don't think there is anything wrong with being tall -- I am a happy 5'10" ... DS1 is very sensitive and so my concern is more that he might mis interpret this comment as a negative. I think that I will work on adding something positive when someone says this. thanks all!

Since you are on the taller side too, maybe you could try smiling big with pride and saying "yes his is big just like me". Just a thought, it might show your DS1 that you are tall and proud of it.

I understand you are worried about others comments on your DS's size, my DS is a shorty (8% for height), so I get the same kinds of surprised looks when I say how old he is.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

I always thank them for the compliment. :D DD was a preemie, spent a while in the NICU, had to be tube-fed bc she couldn't eat...so I love it when i get comments about how enormous she is (90%ile for height) and how she eats so much!! Especially since i EBF'ed her, and we are not tall people at all (DH is 5'6"!)..so i feel I can take some credit :)

And like a PP, with DC so close in age i ALWAYS get asked if they are twins..as in, once or twice a week. People stop me on the street to ask me if they are twins. This started happening when DD was only 6 months old (DS was 20 mos and 90%ile for height as well). I used to think people were just making random comments but then i look at them, especially when they are sitting, and DD is really huge.

eta: my kids are younger..so maybe it's not an issue as much. i agree there are less negative connotations of being a big guy vs. a big girl.

eta2: i also have same prob as Montreal Mum with my DS (2.5 and in 90%ile height also, in size 3T/4T, and an amazingly good talker)..people assume he is much older. i swear i get crazy looks from people when he starts to suck his thumb and hold his lovey, or they notice he's wearing a diaper.

[MontrealMum]

I think in part it's surprise or admiration? at seeing a tall child, and also it's just small talk. And in some cases, small talk of the verbally inept.

Tonight at the pool I had DS and one of his little (girl) friends hanging on me and I was towing them all over the shallow end. DH was talking with her parents at the other end of the pool. This super chatty and somewhat annoying older woman who is always there came up and was gushing about how cute my daughters were. I'm like, yeah, thanks, they're super cute :D Then she wanted to know their ages so I told her. They have similar coloring so I guess she thought they were twins? IDK. I could have corrected her but I figured why bother. If you can't tell that DS is a boy there's something that's not quite clicking there, but I was busy and getting splashed so I just tried to make my escape! Neither DS nor his friend had any idea what she'd said so it didn't really matter. Lately I mostly ignore comments from the "public".

[kozachka]

When people comment on how tall DS is, I say "I hope he takes after my side of the family (as DH is not tall), but we would not know for sure for a while", and typically leave it at that. I don't think there is a reason to worry, unless comments are directed at his weight, in which case I'd say something about his involvement in sports and/or athletic abilities and the fact that he eats healthy and burns it all off.

DS is on the swim team, and his shoulders are beginning to get wider. I had some moms comment on how handsome he is and how he is going to be have a nice body when he grows up. Thankfully, DS was far away, I don't want him to think about that quite yet, and I am not sure I responded well ("h-m-m, I guess").

[fedoragirl]

I think this comment definitely depends on the gender, as well. Also, past experiences color one's own perspective. I have terrible memories of strangers asking after my height even though I am not very tall. I was always the tallest in class and very lanky so I guess that made people curious. In my teen years, I had neighbors tell my parents that they wouldn't be able to find a guy for me since I was too tall. This was wrong on so many levels but to my teen mind, very hurtful. Also, I was forbidden to wear heels (my mom tells me it was for my feet and I believe her now because she constantly told me to stop hunching and be proud of my height). Kids in high school made fun of my clothes because I was tall and lanky and nothing ever seemed to fit right (I wasn't fortunate to be in the skinny jeans generation).
So, I am super sensitive to these remarks when people say "how big" DD is. She is above 100% in height currently. She started as 97% and consistently kept growing. I don't have any positive answers but I usually keep the talk moving to something else, as PP wrote. I am not as cautious with DS because he's still a baby, and he's a boy--so more culturally acceptable to be tall.

[roseyloxs]

There is nothing wrong with being tall so I would just always respond with, "they have always been tall for their age" or something more playful like, "I water 'em everyday and they just keep growing."

Its true that other people's perceptions could effect your child but I believe his parents perception will still be the most influential. You've mentioned you are proud of your height so if you just keep that attitude up I think it will rub off.

I loved being the tallest in my class as a kid. Unfortunately I stopped growing in 6th grade and everyone else caught up to me. Oh well.

[queenmama]

All this talk about assuming an age based on height makes me feel guilty...

We've gotten quite close to the guy who owns our local snow cone shack. His mother, kids, and nieces & nephews all hang out there so we're all friendly. One of his nieces is tall, 6', and I always figured she was a teenager, but she acted oddly immature.

Turns out she's 12, same as our DS. Owner friend also told us (privately, the kids weren't around) that his DN weighs 180lbs. You wouldn't know it by looking at her. She doesn't appear to be overweight at all. (That might sound offensive to some but DH weighs the same and is several inches taller. And also is a 36yo man.) She's just a big girl.

Now I'm thinking it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if DD -- again, 95% for height and 90% for weight, but still in infancy -- kept on the big-girl track. It's sort of bad ass.

And yes, I'm one of those barely average-height (5'4" at "full rage" ) who wishes she were tall.

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[lizzywednesday]

...

What bothers me more is when people don't ask or know his age, and give him the stink eye for "inappropriate behavior", when he's in actuality 1-2 years younger than they assume that he is.

:yeahthat:

This used to happen on a regular basis to my BFF's daughter, who will be 13 this summer (OT: how did THAT happen???) on a regular basis when she was younger, but the poor kid had no shot at being petite - her mom is 5'11" and her dad is over 6', so unless there were a ton of recessive genes coming together, she didn't have a prayer.

It made my BFF angry.

I'm used to kids being in the upper percentiles myself - I'm 5'8", my sister is 5'7" and our brothers are both 6'5". We've always been "big" and "tall" kids, often the tallest kids in our classes at school (I was the tallest girl in my 8th grade class 20 years ago, for example) and no strangers to the uninformed "stink eye" that folks not in the know would give us.

My DD is 75th percentile, but at a party we attended this spring she was playing with two little girls who are older than she is (DD is 2, the girls are 3 and 4) but not much bigger than she is, so it was really easy to see what other people see when they see DD.

DD hasn't got a shot at being petite, either - DH and I are both tall and we always have been. She'll be fine. (Yes, it'll suck when she's the tallest and feels awkward, but, having BTDT, I hope I'll be able to offer a little empathy.)

[hellokitty]

I would just respond that it's genes at play. It makes sense. My friends who have taller kids are usually pretty tall themselves and their spouse are pretty much always over six ft tall. It's no mystery why their kid is tall when you find out about the parents' heights. I wouldn't assume that ppl are trying to imply that your kids are fat or anything, although I certainly have been told I was, "big and healthy" by two older women when i was in my 20's and I know it was a dig and their way of saying I'm fat.

My kids are small, esp my oldest. He's 8.5, but looks like a newly turned 6 yr old. Ppl always comment and since he is a boy, I feel like they are saying that something is wrong. He actually has the healthiest diet out of my 3 kids, with a natural preference to protein and fresh produce, almost like a low carber by nature, while my other two are carb junkies. I just tell ppl he's a shrimp since my siblings and I were all shrimps at that age. We were literally the shortest and scrawniest kids in our class and it is a repeat with ds1. This is usually a hint from me to drop it, since as an adult I am not a shrimp.

Ds2 is starting to be a bubba ( but is normal wt) and is usually mistaken as the eldest sibling. He (and ds3) take after dh's side. Sil warned me that first grade is when they will get chubbier and that has exactly been the case. And then middle school is when they will lean out again. So I have a good idea of what type of growth to expect already since its become very obvious to me which side my kids take after.

[lmintzer]

I have two tiny boys (8th percentile on a good day). They are often mistaken for younger than their ages, especially my older son. He is very well-spoken ad polite to adults, so I love to watch him look them in the eye and say with confidence, "I am 11. I am just small for my age." It definitely makes a difference for him that he is athletic (soccer, running) and a good student and musician. He has that internal sense of self so isn't hurt as much by "short" comments. I pray this confidence will last, as he is starting Middle School in the fall. My younger son doesn't get comments as often, as he has a November birthday so has the benefit of being one of the older kids in his grade.

[almostamom]

We get the "Wow, he's tall" comment all the time. It has never bothered me. I usually respond with "He gets it from his dad." DH is 6'4" and has been since he was 13 or 14. As a first grader, DS was taller than some of my fourth grade students.

[HannaAddict]

I have a 99% guy and tall girl and never thought anything negative about the comment. I'm 5'11" and like being tall. I
think I just agree, they are tall! Our friends are even taller (mom 6'1" and dad 6'5") and only downside is people think their five year olds are nine or ten and expect more advanced behavior.

[doberbrat]

Will she remain a beast or level off?

ouch! From the plus sized mom of dd2 at 105% for height and 80% for weight.

I just figure people are making conversation and dont think too much beyond that.

[squimp]

I usually say "yes she's huge" or "my husband is 6'5" or if DH is with us I point to him and say "have you met my husband?". Sometimes I joke that we try to stop her but it's not working. She is 8 and I never think of it as a negative. It is what it is.

But I can imagine as she gets older it could be an issue. At this point she likes being tall.

[StantonHyde]

I am 5'10" and was always very tall and got lots of comments--I still do!! People will say that DD is tall and I just say, yes she got my height. No big deal. It was hard when I was 12 and my mom had me get a short hair cut so I looked like a boy!!! (super skinny and lanky long limbs) And jr high and high school weren't fun. But I like being tall. So I don't mind the comments.

As a good reframe--DH's mother had an engagement party for us in his home town. I had not met his friends before the party. DH's first wife was 5' on a good day. EVERYBODY who walked up to me said, "Wow, you're tall". I just smiled and said yes. One of his friends said that and I said, "yes, everyone seems to be saying that to me". And he responded, "Well its better than what I get, which is always: 'My God, you're fat'". I died laughing and gave him a big hug. (he really is HUGE) He was one of my husband's groomsman--and is such an awesome person!!

[queenmama]

ouch! From the plus sized mom of dd2 at 105% for height and 80% for weight.


Sorry, sweetie, sure didn't mean to offend! I speak it with love! And if you see my post downthread, I decided it would be awesome if DD stays a big girl. :p

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[longtallsally05]

What do you say when people comment IN FRONT of the kids about how big they are?

I usually say, "They're average for MY family. DD is going to be a nice tall girl like me. Frankly, I'm relieved because my ILs are really SHORT. Whew!" That usually puts the matter to rest. Sometimes for good measure I throw in, "My niece is a couple inches taller than DD and they are exactly the same age. My BIL is 6'7" like my dad, so my sister's kids have height on both sides of their family." At this point, people are usually too amazed to say anything else.