Need advice - severing family ties (sort of long)

[HonoluluMom]

I'll start this by saying that my mother loves DD unconditionally and is, overall, a good caregiver. She's helped so much since DD was born and DD adores her.

However, my mother can be critical and negative when it comes to me and how I parent DD. It'll range from nagging and passive-aggressive comments ("DD's too young to go to preschool,"), to flat-out insults (she tells me I'm fat (I'm 5'4, 115lbs)). My mother can be overbearing (she says she only stays at 5 star hotels, only uses X brand, etc.).

My mother's negativity, criticisms, and constant nagging really wears me down at times. I think I've been pretty good at holding my tongue.

However, this past 4th of July, I couldn't hold it in anymore and my mother and I got into a HUGE argument (I got pretty angry after my mother kept insisting she was going to loosen the straps of DD's carseat while I was driving). My mother said terrible things that were direct attacks on me as a person and as a parent. She said things that a person shouldn't say to another person, let alone a mother to her own child. Some of the things she said really, really shocked me. What made it worse is that DD was present and heard all the terrible things my mother said. I do acknowledge that I was wrong to yell at my mother.

My mother is the only negative (constant) presence in DD's life. My other family members and even XH's family are supportive of me and my parenting decisions. Well, at least they don't say anything negative in front of me or DD.

I don't know how I feel about my mother at this point given the horrible things she said to me that will likely remain with me for life. I do know that I don't want to see or speak with her for a while. I do know that DD loves her and should spend time with her. I do know that I don't want my mother to ever treat or talk to DD the way she's treated or talked to me at times.

I don't know what to do. Even if we both apologize, really, what she said will hurt forever. And I don't think she'll ever change her ways, it's who she is. WWYD?

[codex57]

I have no problem with people cutting really negative influences out of their lives, especially if it's only temporary.

Look, DW's dad died while she was in high school. So, for nearly half her life, she has been essentially "cut off" from her dad. While it wasn't voluntary, the effect is the same.

Would it be nice if she had him? Sure. Is she scarred horribly cuz he wasn't in her life? No.

Same thing. Ideally, you'd want your mom in your DD's life. Well, unfortunately, you don't have an ideal situation. So, you just weigh the positives versus the negatives.

In this case, based on what you've said in this post (and there may be more you need to weigh), I don't see any problem with you cutting your mom out of your lives. Unfortunately, some people are bad news. Maybe not intentionally, but that's not the important thing. They're bad, so nothing wrong with you limiting the bad.

[hillview]

It sounds pretty unhealthy. I don't think it is good for kids to see a parent allow someone to belittle and demean them especially a mother figure. I think it is worse for a child since a child wouldn't KNOW it was wrong per se and could believe it was ok/normal. It sounds like verbal abuse to me but without more specifics it is hard to know for sure.

My mom's mom (my grandmother) was not nice to my mom -- my mom basically took it every time AND my mom was very angry with my grandmother. So right now I have a great relationship with my grandmother and my mom is still very angry with her (grandma is 93 years old and NOT her old self at all -- she wets the bed and cannot remember what day it is). That said my grandmother didn't do the sort of things you describe -- she was more subtle and also when they did fight it was not around us kids.

Given what you posted -- maybe consider cooling it for a while with your mom and then allowing short visits with DD on occasion (say every month or 2) for ice cream or a trip to the park. I'd monitor these to make sure that DD wasn't having to deal with your mom's inappropriate abuse. And from there see if you like that arrangement or if it is still too much.

I might also let my mom know what my limits were -- assuming she really wants to see your daughter. So for example, she cannot criticize you in front of DD, she cannot criticize DD period. If she has a concern or issue, you and she deal with it when DD is not around. You are the parent and you are in charge. etc

Sorry for the long post. I wish you the best. Sounds like a crappy situation and I am sorry you are dealing with this. I am also sorry for your DD :(

HUGS!

[Jacksmommy2b]

We cut off contact with my inlaws.

While my FIL and BIL are not my favorite people in the world, they aren't toxic but my MIL is hardcore crazy. Among many other things she threatened to kidnap J and have me killed. She is insane and my BIL and FIL can't and really don't even try to control her.

DH and I have been together a really long time and we dealt with her as best we could for a long time, but the last straw for us was when we had
Jack. We decided together that this was not someone we could never ever trust with our child and someone we would never even want him exposed to. (The kidnapping and killing threats were in response to cutting off contact and just cemented in our minds it was the best option available.)


Cutting off contact is hard and not something I take lightly. My family is super, super close and although we have had some rough times I could not imagine never speaking to them again. I very firmly believe that tolerating truly toxic or abusive people simply because they are family is ridiculous. I would never allow someone like her around my children and the fact she birthed DH should not and does not play into that at all.

Cutting off contact was one of the best things we have ever done. Not only for my stress level and piece of mind, but for the sake of my marriage and most importantly my DH's sanity.

Okay so cutting off contact doesn't have to mean forever. You are obviously (and understandably) really hurt right now. I don't think a permanent severance of a relationship should be made in the heat of battle, so to speak.

I would suggest distancing yourself from your mother and spending some time healing and really thinking of the sort of relationship (if any) you would like to continue with her. When you have a clear head, talk it out. Outline the sort of relationship (if any) you would like to have and your 'ground rules' ie. it is really important to me that DD has a positive self image, if you are going to be spending time with her I need to know that you will not make comments about her or my weight, etc.

Maybe in time you will heal enough to enjoy her company. Maybe not, but at least you won't regret making a huge decision in anger.

Hugs to you, and good luck with everything.

[hellokitty]

I've come very close to cutting off contact with my dad. I will tell you my experience as a child though. My dad's side has always treated my mom horribly. My mom NEVER said one mean word about his side of the family, BUT my brothers and I quickly figured it out and do not like my dad's side of the family. My mom was stumped as to why we dislike my dad's family so much. If your mom talks down about you in front of your dd, she's not going to want a relationship with your mom anyway, since she will know that grandma is mean to mommy. Kids aren't dumb, they know. So, you do what you need to do. Ppl who are toxic like that, don't do anything, but bring you down into their own misery (and yes, my theory on these kind of ppl are that they are miserable and they want everyone else to be miserable too, they can't stand to see anyone happy). If you need to cut her off, don't feel badly about it, it is for your own sanity and survival. Who needs someone like that in their lives? Nobody needs that, just b/c she is family, it doesn't mean you have to put up with her. :hug:

[cntrymoon2]

I'm so sorry- :hug:! I would take a big step back for right now and not make any decisions for a couple weeks. Don't initiate contact, just take your much needed space. Things will look and feel differently in a couple of weeks once you've had time to process your emotions.
This all around stinks, and I'm sorry you have to go through it.

[JustMe]

This sounds so difficult---mostly because she seems so cruel to you, yet you feel she is good to your dd. I would probably take the stand that it is not good for kids when their parents are treated badly and that any "benefit" they get from maintaining a relatiionship with the person in question is outweighed by the negative of having their parent treated so poorly.

I would definitely at least take a break from you mom without having to make any absolute decisions either way. I think the only hope for maintaining any kind of relationship in the future would be if you set clear, firm boundaries with her and she was able to follow them. For example,mom, you will not state any negative opinoins about me or the things I do. You will not give me any kind of advice. It does sound like you mom might not be able to keep boundaries or have an understanding of what she does give some of the examples you listed, but that would be the only way I could see continuing a relationship in the future.

Sorry, it sounds like a rotten position to be in.

[ha98ed14]

This sounds so difficult---mostly because she seems so cruel to you, yet you feel she is good to your dd.

I respectfully disagree. She isn't good to DD. Loosen the straps on the carseat? Show DD that her mom, OP, is fat and a bad parent and that their lives are lacking because OP and DD don't use the right hotels and the best brands? All she is doing is sending DD the message that her mom is bad or less that what she ought to be. Eventually, DD is going to internalize that about herself. She might even think OP will start treating her (DD) that way.

Whatever you do, keep in mind that saying I love you one moment and then in the next breath saying mean and nasty things to the people you just said you love, well that isn't love.

[brittone2]

We went through a period of time with the ILs that wasn't quite that rocky, but they were being rather awful and we had to set boundaries. That resulted in us having little contact with them over the course of several years.

FWIW, we have been in a very good place with our relationship with the ILs over the last few years. I do feel they learned from the whole experience, and our relationship is all the better because of it. I also think it helped a bit in how they treat BIL/SIL, who were not married and didn't have children when we went through this issue with the ILs.

eta: I know I've seen the Cloud and Towsend book on Boundaries recommended several places, including here. I've never read it. It is a Christian book, but I've heard people who are secular say they've gotten something out of it. No personal experience, however. I think the "bad" in the situation you describe likely outweighs the good as it is right now in your relationship with your mom, so I would let go of the guilt of that part. But, I do think there can be hope. I never thought we'd heal our relationship with the ILs, but things really did improve.

[maestramommy]

I come from a family of fraught relationships from time to time. And I think your big blowup was inevitable. When you're a kid, you hold back because your parent is not only the parent, they're much bigger than you. But once you are grown up and become more or less autonomous, you naturally resent being treated as if you are less than an intelligent human being. And as a parent it feels unacceptable to have your authority over your own child constantly challenged. Esp. when it involves something dangerous like loosening your child's carseat straps when the car is in motion.

there is nothing wrong with putting distance between you two, at least temporarily. In the long run it will probably be better for your DD, because hearing your mother being spoken to in such a manner isn't healthy. I know. My mom took care of her mother for the last two years of her life, and the way my grandmother ranted, raved and belittled her angered me and my siblings so much. We really had mixed feelings when she died. My mom never answered back, she just cried in private. And a month after my grandmother died, her bp sank dramatically, to normal levels. That gives you an idea of how UNhealthy toxic relationships can be.

[MamaMolly]

I respectfully disagree. She isn't good to DD. Loosen the straps on the carseat? Show DD that her mom, OP, is fat and a bad parent and that their lives are lacking because OP and DD don't use the right hotels and the best brands? All she is doing is sending DD the message that her mom is bad or less that what she ought to be. Eventually, DD is going to internalize that about herself. She might even think OP will start treating her (DD) that way.

Whatever you do, keep in mind that saying I love you one moment and then in the next breath saying mean and nasty things to the people you just said you love, well that isn't love.

ITA. It is abuse, plain and simple. OP I'm sorry you are experiencing this.