Oh man, I totally blew it.

[rin]

Our neighbor was recently released from the hospital with terminal brain cancer; his son (who's about my age) told us this afternoon that he probably has less than a week left. We've lived here for just over two years and we're friendly, but by no means close with their family; he & my DH have helped each other out with yard work projects and we always smile & wave, maybe chat about the weather, when we run into one another, but that's about it. I made up a lasagna for them (it's just him and his wife, but they have a huge extended family in the area), and just went to take it over. His daughter invited me in to talk with him, which I was totally not expecting, and I ended up standing there next to his hospital bed holding his hand and completely blanked on anything appropriate to say and ended up babbling about the weather and offering for my DH to prune their rosebushes. Oy veh.

[maestramommy]

:hug: I'm sure they understand. Who knows what to say in these situations? And it was kind of you to offer.

[mikala]

It happens. We all tend to lose words at moments like that. But you were there for the family and showed them kindness and that's all that matters right now.

:hug:

[123LuckyMom]

You may have felt silly, but I'm sure they were grateful for your visit, the offer of help, and a little taste of normalcy. I used to work in hospice, and I can tell you your chat was probably much appreciated. There was no need for a heavy scene. You did a mitzvah with your presence! That was enough.

[KpbS]

It is wonderful that you made the effort, brought home cooked food, AND got to stay and visit. It is so hard to find the right words and often times there are no "right words", kwim? I am sure your conversation was exactly what your neighbor needed to hear then. Don't beat yourself up. You did great. :hug::hug:

[elliput]

I think you did fine. Sometimes small talk it the best. :hug:

[rin]

Thanks, all. I just hope I didn't make him feel more uncomfortable.

[echoesofspring]

I think you did great - home cooked food and some small talk, it probably was really a nice break in their day. It doesn't matter what you say, b/c there's just not a lot to be said at that point, you know? I think as a society we are so scared of death a lot of people look the other way and avoid it, not ignoring the person and the family is huge. An acquaintance of mine had stage 5 cancer a couple years ago (amazingly recovered), she said one of the toughest things was how people seem to write you off before you are gone.

[specialp]

I think you did great - home cooked food and some small talk, it probably was really a nice break in their day. It doesn't matter what you say, b/c there's just not a lot to be said at that point, you know? I think as a society we are so scared of death a lot of people look the other way and avoid it, not ignoring the person and the family is huge. An acquaintance of mine had stage 5 cancer a couple years ago (amazingly recovered), she said one of the toughest things was how people seem to write you off before you are gone.

Exactly. I can assure you from personal experience that when you go through a tragic event, people would prefer to ignore you rather than face 5 minutes of uncomfortable by sitting and talking with you when that is all you need. You did good.

[Melaine]

I think you did great. Those situations are so difficult.

[khm]

You did great. There is nothing you could have said to make things better, to make him feel better, to give him hope, etc. I think we all TRY and come up with that perfect uplifting thing that will "help", but the reality is nothing will. You were there, you were pleasant and appropriate, that's all you can do.

I've been there too, and it is just terrible feeling so tongue-tied and sad, but you did great.

[MamaSnoo]

Sadly, there are no right things to say. Your presence was a gift, I am sure.

[smiles33]

I agree with PP. Just being there was a huge comfort, regardless of what you said.

[almostamom]

I think that holding his hand and chatting with him was a beautiful gift that you gave not only to him but to his family as well.

[hillview]

I think that holding his hand and chatting with him was a beautiful gift that you gave not only to him but to his family as well.
:yeahthat:

[twowhat?]

You may have felt silly, but I'm sure they were grateful for your visit, the offer of help, and a little taste of normalcy. I used to work in hospice, and I can tell you your chat was probably much appreciated. There was no need for a heavy scene. You did a mitzvah with your presence! That was enough.

:yeahthat: Sending hugs to their family, and to you!

[HannaAddict]

You are sweet. That lasagne was a god send, I still remember the pan of home cooked lasagne left on the porch when we came home from doing funeral plans for my mom when I was in my early 20's and brother was in high school. It was a co-worker who I wasn't that close too at the time, I was surprised, touched and we all do appreciated it as we ate it for dinner that awful night. You were a good person and neighbor.

[DrSally]

I don't think you blew it. Just being ther is so important.

[dogmom]

You didn't blow it, there IS no right thing to say to take the pain away. My philosophy is even if you do say the "wrong" thing then the person/family can have the distraction of that. Everyone feels awkward in these situations.

If you want to do something additional nice, try to remember the family later. Like a few months from now, or around the holidays, or the anniversary of the death or diagnosis. It makes a huge difference to family members to hear, "I always think of your and your father/mother/child this time of year." So many people feel alone in their grief after the first few weeks after everyone has heard and given them their sympathies.

[gatorsmom]

Our neighbor was recently released from the hospital with terminal brain cancer; his son (who's about my age) told us this afternoon that he probably has less than a week left. We've lived here for just over two years and we're friendly, but by no means close with their family; he & my DH have helped each other out with yard work projects and we always smile & wave, maybe chat about the weather, when we run into one another, but that's about it. I made up a lasagna for them (it's just him and his wife, but they have a huge extended family in the area), and just went to take it over. His daughter invited me in to talk with him, which I was totally not expecting, and I ended up standing there next to his hospital bed holding his hand and completely blanked on anything appropriate to say and ended up babbling about the weather and offering for my DH to prune their rosebushes. Oy veh.

I think you said and did the perfect thing. You showed you cared by showing up and bringing a meal over. And some light conversation about the weather is a nice topic that anyone can join in on, no matter how sick. I'm sure those heavier, end-of-life discussions come up way too often, now, for that man. Your visit was probably a breath of fresh air. :hug:

[crl]

You showed up, that's not blowing it. So few people manage that. There is no right thing to say. Just showing up is the right thing. :hug:

Catherine

[HonoluluMom]

I think you did fine. He probably appreciated just normal chit chat and the offer to help out (as you and your family usually do).

[Globetrotter]

You visited him and gave support, and that says it all.

[hopeful_mama]

It sounds like one part you feel a little bad about is volunteering your DH to help with the roses. But I am thinking that might have been really appreciated. I know if DH were in a similar situation, and a friend or neighbor offered to help out with minor repairs around the house, or computer support, or something else that he does and I don't, it would actually be a relief for him, and for me as well. Because in his mind it's his job to provide for, to do for, his wife and family. And if he were leaving he would really be stressing about that, and I would be too (obviously not my foremost concern but I'd still be wondering how I would take care of all that stuff on top of just dealing with the loss). So - I think some couples would truly appreciate offers of concrete, practical help for afterwards.

:hug: