NY Times: "The challenge of making friends as an adult"

[ourbabygirl]

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/07/15/fashion/the-challenge-of-making-friends-as-an-adult.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1&ref=style

Interesting read... hit the nail on the head for what I've been experiencing the last 10 years...

[Reader]

Thanks for posting this. Definitely agree!

[belovedgandp]

Interesting. Yes, I had friends that became lunch/girl outings only when we dated/married men that did not click with each other.

As the kids get older, having them click with each other makes the dynamic even more complicated.

[lizzywednesday]

I've outgrown a lot of people I used to hang out with (I reserve the term "friend" for a different dynamic) because we're at different places in our lives lately, and I'm OK with that.

I have one Close Friend, referred to here (and elsewhere) as my BFF. We've been friends since high school, surviving the births of our daughters (her DD will be 13 next month!), living in different states (FL-VA-TX for BFF while I've been in NJ my entire life), weathering her divorce (and the ensuing child support saga of her irresponsible XH) and custody issues (there was a period of several years when I saw more of BFF's DD than XH had and I lived 3 states away) ... and I often quip that I know my BFF loves me because she wore a dress for my wedding. ;)

DH ... is struggling to come to terms with the fact that someone he considered to be a good friend, if not his "best friend", doesn't see him the same way (and, I suspect, never did.)

He tends to call anyone and everyone he's ever hung out with a "friend." I am much more selective in my use of the word.

I have categories - work-buddies (not "friends," though I think some of the people I work with would be fun to hang out with elsewhere/elsewhen), college buddies, friends, acquaintances - and a fairly wide circle if you look at my FB page. (And I do know and like each and every person in my FB friends list! Really. All 500 of them.)

But, when faced with the idea that I'll have to interact with new people or make new friends - I get panic attacks.

[BabyBearsMom]

ITA with this article. It is much harder to make friends at this point in my life. In my old job when I worked 80 hours a week, my colleagues really were my friends like the article says about the woman working on a pilot. But now that I don't work there anymore and I don't see those people 14 hours/day it is different. My really close friends are mostly from college and one from high school and my sister. I've been trying really hard to make "mom" friends but it hasn't worked out well so far. But a lot of that is that I don't have the time to see someone often enough to build a friendship. I can maybe see a person once a month (if I'm really working on it) and that isn't enough. Between working FT, commuting 2 hrs a day, taking care of my DDs, seeing my DH, spending time with my family and DH's family, there isn't time left for friends.

[GaPeach_in_Ca]

I actually really identified with this comment after the article:


There is another side to this: some people have an easier time making friends as they get older. For those people who feel more comfortable in their skin as they age, making connections with others can get easier. I find myself in my 30s with the most solid group of friends I have ever had- and it keeps getting bigger. Slowly and surely as I meet more people I find there are a glorious number of friendships that are still undiscovered. It is possible to make deep friendships at any point in your life.

If you find yourself having difficulty with this, try a little self-assessment to see what you could work on in yourself to become a more attractive friend. I've had to do that at some points in my life and I found that my social life was lacking because I wasn't offering enough as a potential friend. Once I figured out what I needed to work on and became a much happier person, my social life started to bloom.


I've made more friends in the last 1-2 years than probably any other time in my life. I feel very fortunate to live where I do and be able to meet the people I've met. I do make a point of reciprocating invitations and making an effort to attend most things I am invited to. I've found that I've gotten a lot back by putting myself out there, sometimes out of my comfort zone.

ETA. I also really try to give people the benefit of the doubt and not take offense over things that may happen. The one girl in the article saying she had a point scale for friends where she subtracted for being late ??? I can see how she might have trouble making friends.

[theriviera]

My favorite line of the article:
"as the comedian Louis C. K. related in one stand-up routine: “I spend whole days with people, I’m like, I never would have hung out with you, I didn’t choose you. Our children chose each other. Based on no criteria, by the way. They’re the same size"

:hysterical:

[Globetrotter]

I actually found it was easier to make friends after kids came along, but there is a window of opportunity when the kids are little and we seek playmates for them. Now that they are older, circles are established and even if our kids make new friends, parents are involved much less as everything is drop off.

Of course, there is nothing like college and grad. School friendships.

[sntm]

I have a few old BFFs that I can go years without seeing but we instantly fall in together when we see each other again. A group of mom friends scattered all over who are similar. And a ton of situational friends, most of which I'm drifting from now that I've gone from socializing divorcee to settled mom of new baby in a few years. I realized that as much as I adore them, if I'm not at a cocktail party discussing the last opera or art museum exhibit or grown up movie, we just don't have much to talk about.

[maestramommy]

Haven't had a chance to read the article yet, but the quote by GaPeach resonated with me as well. I think I can count on one hand the number of friends I made before having kids that I am still REALLY friends with. We are separated by distance, but whenever we talk it's like time has never passed.

There was a period between when I started having kids and now where I was just NOT able to make friends. Part of it is just not being able to get out there and meet people, part of it is not enough face time. But now that I'm in a community that is not so transient, and the kids are getting older, I'm starting to make friends with other women not based on their kids, or whether they even have kids, but just whether we happen to click. There are also a few moms in my local MOMS club that are similar in age and stage of life, and I'd like to feel like we are becoming friends. I guess you never know, but I try to just BE a friend, and let things happen naturally from there. Not judging, recognizing as much as possible different strokes for different folks, we're all in the same boat, etc. That's not a brag, I am, for the most part a pretty easy going person. Esp. as I've gotten older:p Maybe that's a larger point in pp's quote.

[ZeeBaby]

I am a firm believer in some people come into your life for a season and very few for a lifetime. I have very few lifetime friends.