I think I messed up

[anonomom]

I just got off the phone with a friend of mine. She's one of the group of moms I met when DD1 was just a few weeks old, and most of us have been getting together weekly since then. This friend, however, is on a different schedule and hasn't been to playgroup more than three or four times in the last two years. Still, she is someone I like a lot and even if we don't see each other frequently, I consider her a good friend. I also know her to be someone who gets her feelings hurt easily and tends to think people don't really want her around (which we do!)

Anyway, a little way back, at playgroup, we decided that we needed a mom's weekend out and scheduled it for the fall. I'm hosting, and I kept meaning to email Friend (who wasn't there when we planned it) about it. But I got busy and things got crazy and I honestly forgot she didn't know about it until I was talking her tonight and mentioned the weekend (she'd been saying that she needs to get a break and I said "well, the girl's weekend should help with that"). She, of course, had no idea what I was talking about and I could tell from her voice that she thought we were deliberately excluding her. We weren't, at all. I just messed up and forgot to tell her.

Now I'm kicking myself. If it were pretty much anyone else I know, I wouldn't be worried -- they would know it wasn't meant personally. But I know this friend needs more consideration and TLC than that. She will worry about this and wonder if she wasn't meant to be invited and whether we really don't want her along. I know the way her mind works, and I should have been extra careful not to even let it become an issue. I feel terrible.

Part of me (the immature part) wants to pretend I don't know she's hurt and act like it didn't happen. I don't think I really can do that. But how do I bring it up? I already apologized for not telling her sooner, but I have a hunch that's not going to fix things. I worry that she's just going to be really upset with me but too hurt or shy to bring it up. I'm not sure what to do now.

[AnnieW625]

Just be honest with her and tell her you forgot to email her and tell her you hope the date works. Honesty is always the best medicine IMHO. Good luck!

[JustMe]

I think it is nice and wise of you to be extra sensitive to this friend, but that also should only have to go so far.

I would send her an e-mail, apologize for forgetting to tell her soon, and assuring her that it was completely untentional (or joke about mommy brain) and that you really want her there.

That should be plenty for her and, if not, I would say she has a bigger problem that you can't really help her with. Sorry to sound harsh, but JMHO.

[Green_Tea]

Just be honest with her and tell her you forgot to email her and tell her you hope the date works. Honesty is always the best medicine IMHO. Good luck!

:yeahthat:
And remember that just because she's sensitive it doesn't mean that you have done something wrong and that you need to offer a lengthy explanation. I'd simply send her a quick email or text that says something like, "Hey, I'm SO sorry I didn't get a chance to tell you about the Girl's Weekend sooner, but I really hope you can make it!" and then let it rest. I find that sometimes over explaining or making lots of excuses can actually make things worse, not better.


I think it is nice and wise of you to be extra sensitive to this friend, but that also should only have to go so far.

I would send her an e-mail, apologize for forgetting to tell her soon, and assuring her that it was completely untentional (or joke about mommy brain) and that you really want her there.

That should be plenty for her and, if not, I would say she has a bigger problem that you can't really help her with. Sorry to sound harsh, but JMHO.

I also agree with this 100%.

[infomama]

Just own it and if she accepts your explanation....awesome! If she is still doubting you there is nothing...nothing, you can do or say to make it right in her head. I hope she accepts your apology and she can attend the trip but if she doesn't...I hope you can be at peace with it all.

[anonomom]

Thanks, you guys. I'm feeling better. I'll send the email now...

[mackmama]

I would call her and talk to her directly. I'd just be upfront and say that you care so much about her and that you are feeling badly that you forgot and are concerned her feelings are hurt. Ask her to please trust you and believe in your friendship and that it really was a simple mistake. We all have mommy-brain moments, and you sound like a very sensitive and kind friend.

[hillview]

I would call her and talk to her directly. I'd just be upfront and say that you care so much about her and that you are feeling badly that you forgot and are concerned her feelings are hurt. Ask her to please trust you and believe in your friendship and that it really was a simple mistake. We all have mommy-brain moments, and you sound like a very sensitive and kind friend.
:yeahthat:

[wellyes]

I would call her and talk to her directly. I'd just be upfront and say that you care so much about her and that you are feeling badly that you forgot and are concerned her feelings are hurt. Ask her to please trust you and believe in your friendship and that it really was a simple mistake. We all have mommy-brain moments, and you sound like a very sensitive and kind friend.
I agree with this. Putting myself in her shoes, I'd be hurt. It sucks because your intentions were good. Anyway, I'd make an extra effort to make a conciliatory gesture.

[specialp]

I would call her and talk to her directly. I'd just be upfront and say that you care so much about her and that you are feeling badly that you forgot and are concerned her feelings are hurt. Ask her to please trust you and believe in your friendship and that it really was a simple mistake. We all have mommy-brain moments, and you sound like a very sensitive and kind friend.

Agree. And if you wouldn't have even mentioned it ("The girls' weekend will help with that") as if you assumed she was going if you intended to keep her out of the loop. I hope it will be easy for her to see that it was an easy mistake.

[dogmom]

Part of me (the immature part) wants to pretend I don't know she's hurt and act like it didn't happen. I don't think I really can do that. But how do I bring it up? I already apologized for not telling her sooner, but I have a hunch that's not going to fix things. I worry that she's just going to be really upset with me but too hurt or shy to bring it up. I'm not sure what to do now.

I don't know if that's immature or expected your friend to act like an adult. If you feel like you need to say one fore time, "Oh my, I really am so sorry I forgot to tell you, that was just me being spacy." She should not assume it is personal, that's on her not you, unless this is a pattern of behavior on your part. Which it doesn't sound like it is.

I feel like it takes enough of my time and emotional effort to deal with my young children's emotions because they cannot identify or verbalize them like adults do. I really don't have the time or energy to deal with adults that act like that unless they are mentally ill.

[TxCat]

I agree with this. Putting myself in her shoes, I'd be hurt. It sucks because your intentions were good. Anyway, I'd make an extra effort to make a conciliatory gesture.

:yeahthat: I tend to be a little paranoid about social situations like that, especially when it feels like everyone else is closer friends. I think that talking to her or leaving a message about feeling crummy that you forgot to invite her but that you all are really looking forward to hanging out with her that weekend should help smooth over any awkwardness.

[TxCat]

I don't know if that's immature or expected your friend to act like an adult. If you feel like you need to say one fore time, "Oh my, I really am so sorry I forgot to tell you, that was just me being spacy." She should not assume it is personal, that's on her not you, unless this is a pattern of behavior on your part. Which it doesn't sound like it is.

I feel like it takes enough of my time and emotional effort to deal with my young children's emotions because they cannot identify or verbalize them like adults do. I really don't have the time or energy to deal with adults that act like that unless they are mentally ill.

This seems like an unfair/possibly harsh assessment. Group dynamics are tricky, and with groups of women can occasionally result in someone feeling like they are being "Mean Girl-ed," intentionally or not. Just like so many of us accept that there are wide ranges of personality types among kids, why should that stop being true as an adult? She sounds like she's on the sensitive side of things and might be feeling excluded by a group of friends she was a part of. I don't see the harm in an extra apology.

[wellyes]

Imagine of someone wrote a post: I'm hurt because I inadvertently found out I was excluded from a girls' weekend. She said she 'forgot' to tell me but that might've been because she felt bad for getting caught. Wwyd?

I think most replies would be 'I understand why you're hurt but try to give her the benefit of the doubt .'. Not 'she said she forgot. stop being a baby about it '.

[Green_Tea]

Imagine of someone wrote a post: I'm hurt because I inadvertently found out I was excluded from a girls' weekend. She said she 'forgot' to tell me but that might've been because she felt bad for getting caught. Wwyd?

I think most replies would be 'I understand why you're hurt but try to give her the benefit of the doubt .'. Not 'she said she forgot. stop being a baby about it '.

Well, to be fair I think it would depend on who posted that kind of message. If it was posted by someone who has a track record of being extra sensitive and paranoid about being left out, I think there would be quite a few "get over it" responses.

Personally, I think that in situations like the one the OP described, lots of hand holding and apologies only serve to reinforce the idea that the friend needs to be handled with kid gloves at all times - and that actually *is* the kind of person that many people don't want to be around. I don't think it's insensitive to send off a quick email and say, "Again, SO sorry I dropped the ball on inviting you to Girl's Weekend - I really hope you can make it!" and then leaving it at that.

(FTR, I'd take the same approach with kids - and I do with my own kids. I consider helping my kids develop a healthy layer of "thick skin" and to recognize the difference between someone being actively mean and some being forgetful/not thinking before they speak to be one of my jobs as a parent.)