How do you live somewhere happily without putting roots down?

[ourbabygirl]

I've posted before about wanting to move closer to my parents so we can see them and my nieces & nephew more often. Well, it's not financially wise to move now since our house has lost so much value, so we're hoping to be able to move in about 5 years from now, if we can save up enough, the housing market improves or at least stays stable here, etc.
In the meantime, I'm trying to make the best of the situation where we live. We like our house, for the most part, and have nice neighbors and a great location close to where the kids will attend preschool & elementary school. I've been meeting more people through our MOMs club and ECFE, just trying to make more friends and find some people that the kids and I can connect with.

So since we know that we want to move eventually, how do I keep myself from putting down 'roots' here? We've already made the house about as good as it can be, other than finishing the basement, which we'll probably do soon, so we can get some enjoyment out of it before selling. But I don't want to spend more money & time & emotional energy making the house even nicer & more our style if we won't be here forever.
Since my kids were both born since we moved in here, and I SAH with them (they're not in school yet), and DH works from home, we spend so much time here and have already made so many memories here, I'm sure I'll have a hard time leaving the home of their early childhood.
We'll definitely be leaving behind some friends when we move (hoping to move about an hour away), and I'm concerned that the kids will have a hard time leaving their friends (they'll probably be going into K & 2nd grade by then). And since I'll be leaving the friends that I made when my kids were babies, I'm worried how hard it will be to establish myself in a new community when my kids are school-age and it'll be harder to make 'mom friends.'

If you're a military family, or just one that's chosen/ had to move at a harder time in life, how did you do it? I feel like I have one foot out the door, but since it can't happen yet, I need to plan for it but also do my best to be happy here. I just want to be able to establish ourselves in a community, but since this isn't ultimately where we want to live, I'm not sure how to handle the next 5 years. And do I even mention to my friends that we're hoping to move eventually, or will that alienate people and should I just not mention it? But I also don't want it to be like it's coming out of nowhere 5 years from now.

Any BTDT? I can't ask my mom because she would love for me to move tomorrow, but it would just be a really stupid financial move right now.

Thanks in advance!

[ellies mom]

I'm not sure this is the advice you are looking for but I don't know if it is the best idea to live as though you have one foot out the door especially when you are looking at a 5 year time frame instead of a set-in-stone time frame like most of the military or ex-pat moms face. A lot can happen in five years, life has a way of getting in the way. My parents bought their house with the intention of just staying for a few years (until my sister, 12 at the time graduated from high school) and now 25 years later, they are finally putting their house on the market and looking at homes in the area they wanted to live in originally. Five years could come and go and you may still be there but without any roots at all.

[AustenFan]

Well, we have moved almost every year since having kids, and my advice is to go ahead and put down roots. We moved when DS was 6 months, 18 months, 3 (and DD1 was 1), and 4 (DD1 was 2, DD2 was 2 months). It was hard each time we moved, but I don't know how I'd function without investing in friendships. The prospect of five more years in one place sounds pretty long-term to me!

A couple thoughts--your friend circle now, as a SAHM with kids not in school, might be largely different than your friends in 5 years. Your kids might make new friends at school, and those friends might change from year to year. And are you saying you'd be moving an hour away? If you do, that is not too far to meet up occasionally with good friends. We've had friends plan their vacations and road trips around stopping through with us, so it's not like we never see people once we move to a new state.

We're also very open about the fact that we'd like to get back to the midwest someday (5 years is our most probable timeline, too). If that has kept any of our CA acquaintances from wanting to be friends with us, I haven't noticed.

[crl]

I was a military brat and since having kids I have moved coast to coast three times. My advice is live where you are now. Do your best to be happy where you are now. Make friends and act like they are your friends for life. If you spend your whole life waiting to live it, you will just end up waiting and never live.

Catherine

[hellokitty]

What's wrong with putting down roots? You never know what your future holds. While your plan is to eventually move closer to your family, things that are out of your control may change. Make the best of where you live now, make friendships, it's so easy to KIT these days via email and facebook, it's not like if you make friends, you will never see them again.

[sunshine873]

I kind of agree with Ellies Mom. Even if you are able to move in 5 years, that's a long time from now, and you really never know what's going to happen. You might leave sooner, it might be 5 years & you may end up loving it there & stay for longer!

Plus, you're not doing you or your family any favors by wishing your time away. These are memorable years in your kids lives. You've already said there are a lot of memories in that house from their early years - I think you should just open yourself up and try to make the most out of your time there. Will it be hard to leave good friends? Yes, of course. But they will add value to your life. As hard as it has been over the years to say goodbye to people, jobs, homes I've loved...I've never regretted making them. Good friendships remain - yes, they'll change, but they don't necessarily have to go away.

[kmkaull]

I say life is short and unpredictable. A few years ago, I thought we were rooted for life in our home, jobs, community, friendships. Then my husband took a new job and we moved 3 hours away.

Now, we're establishing roots in our new community and making new friends. Though I miss our "old" life, I am so glad to have good friends to go visit.

[MamaMolly]

Bloom where ever you are planted, says the mama of a family who moves about every 2-3 years. ;)

As for the house we look at it as our house is the shell, our home is what we put into it. I'm doing better here, I have actually put pictures up! And bought new curtains! Yay me!

I think it is fine to plan ahead for a move. But you are going to need a support network and friends for the next 5 years, and believe me the ones worth being a friend will be there 10 years later. I have a handful of really great friends that are scattered all over the world. But with Skype, Face Book and email we are still hanging on. ;)

My advice is that it is ok to *occasionally* mention that you guys are thinking about moving in about 5 years. Don't let it be one of the first things out of your mouth when you meet people. That would be off putting. Don't let it be the *only* thing you talk about. You would sound a little obsessed for the next 5 years ;). I don't think it has to be a big secret though.

IME if you are not moving in the next 4 months then it is really off people's radar, as in it is a long time away. Maybe it is something about how we mentally mark time as seasons? :shrug:

[Simon]

So far, I have spent my entire adult life knowing I would be moving...someday. That hasn't stopped me from making friends, joining the board of a local school, getting invested in my neighbors and their lives. My life is what I make of it, right now, everyday. I can't put off my life for some indefinite period of time.

I also notice that you are saying you *hope* to move in 5 years, so its not a done deal. Frankly, I would make friends like you might never move. Then again, I don't consider 1-hour very far away! We're about to move 1h to 1h45 away and I expect to keep all our close friends and just make some more.

[MamaKath]

There is a (kind of crude, my apologies now) saying... A foot in yesterday and a foot in tomorrow leave you peeing on today. As someone who really doesn't love where they live but I am stuck here, I have to live in this moment. I have made some really good friends here. I have activities that the kids and I enjoy. Someday I hope we will move but I will miss out on so much if I live for someday. I am not willing to put my kids through that.

[maestramommy]

All the pp have said it well. I moved a lot between ages 0-9. It was always hard to leave, my siblings and I cried as the car was pulling way from our house. But you just do it, and start over.

[ChristinaLucia]

I was a military brat and since having kids I have moved coast to coast three times. My advice is live where you are now. Do your best to be happy where you are now. Make friends and act like they are your friends for life. If you spend your whole life waiting to live it, you will just end up waiting and never live.

Catherine

I agree. I was in our last location 5 years but knew we would leave as soon as possible and therefore didn't make any efforts. I regret it. Huge waste of time!

[misshollygolightly]

I agree with many of the posters: go ahead and put down roots. Bloom where you're planted! The thing is, you never know exactly what will happen and you may end up being in a "temporary" home longer than you expected, or leaving your "forever" home unexpectedly! And even if/when *you* are ever settled someplace for the long haul, people around you will continue to move. I think it's usually a bad idea to postpone getting involved in your community, developing friendships, etc. because you may move soon. Plus, people can usually sense when you have "one foot out the door"...and IMO it's really hard to develop friendships with people who are like that. I feel they don't really care about me or want to commit to a friendship, so it quickly feels one-sided. I think it's much better to go ahead, get involved, make friends...and if you do move, at least you'll be missed and you may even choose to maintain some of those friendships! And even if the friendship doesn't "go anywhere" once you move, at least you've enjoyed the time more...and perhaps your paths will cross again at some point. It's funny to me how some of the people I've befriended (before one or the other of us quickly moved away) have managed to resurface in my life in different ways. For example, one such friend moved away (and we do not keep in close contact), but several of *her* friends have since moved to my town and each time gave them my contact info...and now I'm friends with several of them! So you just never know.

[misshollygolightly]

Well, we have moved almost every year since having kids, and my advice is to go ahead and put down roots. We moved when DS was 6 months, 18 months, 3 (and DD1 was 1), and 4 (DD1 was 2, DD2 was 2 months). It was hard each time we moved, but I don't know how I'd function without investing in friendships. The prospect of five more years in one place sounds pretty long-term to me!

A couple thoughts--your friend circle now, as a SAHM with kids not in school, might be largely different than your friends in 5 years. Your kids might make new friends at school, and those friends might change from year to year. And are you saying you'd be moving an hour away? If you do, that is not too far to meet up occasionally with good friends. We've had friends plan their vacations and road trips around stopping through with us, so it's not like we never see people once we move to a new state.

We're also very open about the fact that we'd like to get back to the midwest someday (5 years is our most probable timeline, too). If that has kept any of our CA acquaintances from wanting to be friends with us, I haven't noticed.

Ha! Hey friend! I had you in mind when I wrote my post above :rotflmao: Miss you, by the way!

[hellokitty]

From the POV of the other side. I have a friend through our moms club who openly admitted a couple months ago that she doesn't plan to stay in this area for more than a yr or two. Before I found that out, we were actually becoming closer friends, my youngest and her son play so well together, my son always asks for her son all of the time. However, I got the impression after she made that statement, that she wasn't vested in building up strong friendships here. I have to admit that it has changed my opinion somewhat of her. I still like her, but I'm thinking now that maybe I am wasting my time building up a friendship, when she sees her stay in our area as being a blip on the screen, kwim? her attitude, while honest has been a bit of a turn off from the other side.

Please make sure you do not give off this attitude. I will assure you that it will turn ppl off. You have the opportunity to make some good friendships, why not make the best of it? I know so many ppl who had plans to do this or that, who never did them, and had regrets later of not making the best of what they had. I'm hoping that will not happen to you, but you just never know what will happen. Trying to delay your happiness is not a healthy attitude.

[daisymommy]

I was a military brat and since having kids I have moved coast to coast three times. My advice is live where you are now. Do your best to be happy where you are now. Make friends and act like they are your friends for life. If you spend your whole life waiting to live it, you will just end up waiting and never live.



:yeahthat: To all of it! My Dad was military, and we moved every 2-3 years my entire life until I got married. If we never put down roots in any of those places--what a sad, lonely life that would have been!

[megs4413]

we were in a similar position when I was a new mom and we bought our first house. We didn't want to keep renting (for financial reasons), so we bought a house in an area near DH's work that we only planned to stay in for about 5 years (because the school district wasn't good, so we didn't want to be there once the kids were school age.) Our daughter was just 1 at the time. We had our son less than a year after that. At first, I didn't try to become part of the community or make friends in the area, but I was lonely. Staying at home with little ones is pretty isolating! So eventually, I decided that I would put down roots to make my life happier. I'm glad I did! We did end up moving (one year later than we planned, though, so 6 total years there) and it was hard to leave such good friends and say goodbye to the house we'd lived so much life in as a family, but it was the right call. I would do it again. I don't regret making connections there and I'm glad that facebook helps me keep in touch with my friends who are so far away now (we moved more than 600 miles away.)

Good luck!

[nfowife]

We are military and have never lived anywhere for 5 years.... in 11 years of marriage we've moved 6 times. We are looking at 2 more moves until we are hopefully "good" for a while. I don't love where I am right now at all and have less than a year left, but still have friends and am involved in the community. I think it would be a waste for such a long time to not put down roots. What if you never leave? What if you end up staying? And 1 hour is still so close.... It's less than many people's daily work commutes!