Is grief counseling effective?

[shadowlands]

I am a regular member of this forum, however I would rather be able to post my question freely without friends and family "seeing", so I created a new user for just that purpose, forgive me.

My son died in May. I am finding that the pain is getting worse, not better. I seriously feel like I am going crazy at times. I feel like I need to "keep it together" for my husband and other children, but there are many days I don't know if I can go on. My only experience with counseling was during high school and while it wasn't negative per se, it wasn't overly helpful either. I am beginning to wonder if it might help in this case.

Have you or anyone you know had grief counseling? Did you feel it was helpful? Did you go one-on-one or in a group setting?

I typically feel like I have to "be the strong one", so it is nearly impossible to talk to any friends. Plus, they really don't understand.

I'm part of a group no one wants to join - I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

[khm]

I'm so very sorry. I do not have first hand experience, but a friend lost her husband when they were both in their early 30s. Their children were both under 5. Counseling did help them (the kids had their own counseling, too). To know they weren't alone was huge.

I think you should try it. It can't hurt, right? And will very likely help in some ways. Please reach out and seek the help.

Again, I am so sorry for your loss.

[candaceb]

I am so so sorry for your loss.
After I lost my first baby shortly after birth, I went to grief counseling for about 6 months, and I am still in an infant loss support group 3 years later. I am mostly going to the support group now to help others, but I do get something out of it myself when I am going through a rough time.

The therapist I saw for grief counseling was not the best fit for me, or I might have stuck with it longer. I started seeing her a week after he died, and quit when I felt like I was doing OK and didn't miss the sessions when I went away for a couple of weeks.
There were two things she told me that have stuck with me:
"He wouldn't want you to be sad forever"
and
"Grief is like waves. As you get further from the loss, the waves get further apart, but they are deeper. Just when you think your head will never get back above the water, your head pops out of the wave." I didn't really understand what she was talking about until I was swimming in the ocean and got caught under a wave - sure enough, it passed over and I came out of it.

[shadowlands]

Thank you for your input. I am hesitant to just try it because of the cost and time away from my family involved for an uncertain result.

I wanted to be sure to add that I have permission to have this second account for this purpose. It is an exception to the regular rule of one account per member. Thank you BBB for your kindness, I appreciate it.

[3isEnough]

I'm so, so sorry to hear about the loss of your son :grouphug: Honestly, I can't imagine the pain you're going through and the difficulties you've faced and continue to face.

I haven't been through grief counseling but I have gone to regular counseling and found it tremendously helpful. It changed my life significantly for the better. Given that experience, I think grief counseling is certainly worth a try. At a minimum it would allow you to have some time when you don't have to be the strong one and keep it together for everyone else.

My heart goes out to you :hug:

[shadowlands]

Candaceb, that quote about the waves resonated with me, thank you. I'm so sorry you lost your baby. I've had two miscarriages and they were so painful. I miss those babies and love them the same as my other children.

My son that died was 19. He was an amazing young man. We are a very close knit family and he was still living at home - a part of daily life. We did not know that when he walked out the door that day to hike with friends that we'd never see him again. I will never be the same.

[Beth24]

I am so sorry for your loss. Unfortunately I am a member of your club, we lost our 8 and 1/2 year old son 4 years ago, I had two other kids at the time (we had another 2 years ago). About 1 and 1/2 years after we lost our son we joined a grief support group run by an organization that specializes in parents who have lost children, called Griefhaven. We weren't ready for it before then...we were in just too much pain to even know what we needed. It has been so helpful to us because just to be in a room where everyone, including the counselor, has been through a similar loss is comforting. No one worries about how to act around you, you don't have to pretend everything is ok, because it just isn't and won't ever be again. But what really helped me was seeing that our grief counselor was living her life, and actually experiencing some joy and happiness. (At that time it had been 7 years since she lost her only daughter).

I know that there is no way to see ahead right now and that you are in the worst part of your grief. But I can tell you the waves of grief start to become less intense and frequent...they still hit you but as time goes on it does get easier. You're never over it but you learn to manage the intensity. If you can PM me (send me a personal message through this board), you may not be able to until you have more posts, I would love to give you my personal email address so we can communicate directly and I can get you in touch with Griefhaven if you are interested.

Please know that I feel deeply for you and your situation and I know how hard it is for you right now. I am crying right now writing this so I am sorry if I wasn't clear or rambled a bit. :hug:

[almostamom]

I do not have any advice to offer, but I could not read your post and not respond. I'm am so very sorry for your loss. Please know you are in my prayers. :hug::hug::hug:

[specialp]

I am so sorry for your loss. There are no words.

My experience is that individual was better than group for me personally. I joined a grief group for parents who have lost a child. Yes, it was initially beneficial to not feel so alone because everyone else keeps a distance from you and you feel the need to be so strong, which just isn’t the case in a group setting where everyone is in the same fragile boat. It was a doubled-edged sword for me, however, as I am a worrier by nature who had something rare and tragic happen. Everyone their lost their child under different circumstances and those circumstances come up. So while the group grief part was good for me, all the stories of the millions of other things that could happen just fed my anxiety/fears about what else bad was going to happen to my remaining loved ones. So in the end, this group wasn’t a particular good fit for me. I do think it is so beneficial for many, but I mention it because when I did go to individual counseling, I was told that what I was experiencing was not uncommon, yet the thought that I would walk away with all new fears never occurred to me. With my personality, I was taking more bad away than good in a group setting. I only went to individual counseling for a few sessions, but it was a much better fit for me and I highly recommend trying it.

Again, I am so very sorry. You are in the depths of an excrutiating pain right now. Don't be afraid to reach out to someone.

[gatorsmom]

I am so sorry for your loss.

I've seen 4 different therapist in my life. I thought three were very good but one of them was excellent. The therapist I saw for grief counseling was very good and did help me. I didn't see her that much because I felt like I no longer needed her.

I think you should definitely try talking to someone. Even if the first person you see is not the best fit for you, you will almost certainly get something out of your session. Then start searching for another therapist of you feel you need to.

[pinkmomagain]

I could not read this without say how sorry I am for your loss.

While I don't have first hand experience, I do have experiences with various mental health professionals and therapy. Sometimes it takes a few tries to find the right fit with a therapist, so I wanted to encourage you give it a chance, and if it is not working, please don't write it off, try someone new.

I would also recommend someone who has experience or a specialty in grief counseling...I would ask ahead of time, for instance, what percentage of his/her practice is grief counseling. I think you'll want to find someone sensitive and experienced in this area.

Finally, I know you mentioned expense, a support group option might help on that front. In my area, there is a support group for parents who have lost a child and the parents go in one room with a therapist running a group, and simultaneously, children (siblings) are broken out into age groups and go with therapists running their groups. Just wanted to bring this up in case there is something similar in your area.

[wencit]

I don't have any advice or words of wisdom, but I just want to say that my heart absolutely aches for you. I am so deeply sorry for your loss. :hug:

[karstmama]

i have seen a counselor for grieving. when my son was in nicu he had several serious scares, and one just pushed me over the edge. anticipatory grieving. i spent all day (and night...) for several days planning his funeral, stuff like that. i had seen counselors before for different things, but all were brief because i didn't think they were helping.

well, elisabeth definitely helped. we clicked and it was such a relief to stop having to be strong for everyone. so my advice is try, but if you just aren't a good fit for whatever reason, try *again* instead of decide it just isn't for you.

i'm so sorry for your loss.

another thought - her office was in the same hospital as the nicu, so i could just walk down to appointments. i was going to be there anyway. so see if there's anyone to try in areas you go anyway, like near the grocery or your favorite coffee shop. it might seem more 'on your way anyway'.

[KLD313]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I lost my father tragically and unexpectedly. I never felt the need for grief counseling because I knew it wouldn't change the outcome, my father would still be dead. I coped with it in whatever way I could, dealt with it how I wanted and felt I had the right to do that. I often found myself telling complete strangers about it.

My mother went for grief counseling briefly, she didn't find it helpful.

I would say that if you feel like it will help you cope then try it, you don't have to keep going if you don't like it.

Be kind to yourself, do what you feel is right.

[gatorsmom]

I am so sorry for your loss.

I've seen 4 different therapist in my life. I thought three were very good but one of them was excellent. The therapist I saw for grief counseling was very good and did help me. I didn't see her that much because I felt like I no longer needed her.

I think you should definitely try talking to someone. Even if the first person you see is not the best fit for you, you will almost certainly get something out of your session. Then start searching for another therapist of you feel you need to.

[AngB]

I am so sorry for the loss of your son.

Unfortunately, I am part of this sucky club, our daughter (first child) passed away shortly after she was born.

My husband and I have attended a support group for infant loss parents (generally all late-term or after birth losses, every once in awhile there will be someone who had a miscarriage there.) We both found it pretty helpful, although it is definitely extremely hard to go the first few meetings. It's hard to get used to talking about it, it's hard to listen to all of the other stories and learn about all the other stuff that can happen (so many people are so lucky to have NO idea how much can go wrong, and how badly), it just sucks all the way around. I would dread meetings and have to almost drag myself there, but I found that when we left, I felt better. And then I started making friends with other people who came to meetings. And now most of my closest friends are people I've met from the group or related to it, they get it in a way most others don't/can't.

I have friends who have gone to both the group and to individual counseling. Some who just go to group. We've just gone to the group and found it to be enough. Now we go more to "help" as "veterans" to this club, then we do for our own "counseling" although I still always walk away feeling better, it's just nice to have that opportunity to talk about our daughter in a place that is "safe" for us. (And to vent!) It did freak us out the first few meetings, hearing about all of the things that can and do go wrong, and I am still definitely more on the paranoid/anxious side. But I think after the first couple meetings, first, you are more comfortable because you know some people or at least have some familiar faces, plus, even though there are almost always *new to me* people, the sad stories usually are similar enough that even the new stories aren't really "new" things for me to stress about. But I think it's something to brace yourself for and not let it scare you off if you do decide to go, because I promise that with a good group, it gets much easier and very helpful to go, at least for me.

I'm not sure the circumstances of your loss, but if you lost your son in infancy, I know of a TON of baby and infant loss resources online that I can direct you to. And I know a lot of people (including myself) have found it helpful to keep a blog.

[Indianamom2]

I don't have any personal experience here, but I wanted to let you know that you will be in my thoughts and prayers. I cannot imagine what you're going through, but I think it can never hurt to try therapy. I have always found that when I face something difficult, I often feel alone and finding someone else who truly "gets it" makes everything seem a little bit easier.

Many :grouphug:

[Philly Mom]

I have not BTDT but could not read without sending my condolences and giving you a big hug.

[elektra]

I don't have any personal experience here, but I wanted to let you know that you will be in my thoughts and prayers. I cannot imagine what you're going through, but I think it can never hurt to try therapy. I have always found that when I face something difficult, I often feel alone and finding someone else who truly "gets it" makes everything seem a little bit easier.

Many :grouphug:

:yeahthat:
So sorry for your loss.

[TwoBees]

I am so, so sorry. I haven't BTDT, but I couldn't not post. I can't begin to imagine what you are going through. I hope that you can find some comfort.

[mctlaw]

I could not read without saying how sorry I am for your loss, to lose a 19 year old son is unimaginable to me. You must feel as if you are living in shadowlands. I hope you can find some peace. :grouphug:

[kaharris83]

I, too am so sorry for your loss. I have not experienced a loss so profound. I cannot imagine the pain that you are feeling.

I will share that I have done counseling, both in an individual setting(for an eating disorder) and group setting(infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss). For me the group infertility and pregnancy loss counseling was tremendously helpful. It allowed me to see that I wasn't alone and share with others who knew how my experience felt. It also allowed me to share how I was feeling without feeling guilty that I was piling it all on my DH who also had to deal with his own feelings.

I hope that you're able to connect with someone, either in an individual or group setting. Again I am so very sorry for your loss.

[wendibird22]

I have no advice but I wanted to offer my sincere condolences and offer you and your family my prayers that you may find some comfort and peace during this immensely difficult time.
:grouphug:

[candaceb]

Now that you have shared a little more of your story, my neighbor lost her 22 year old daughter 2 years ago, and started grief counseling shortly afterwards. She is still going and has found it very helpful. She has just started to talk about discontinuing it.

[StantonHyde]

When I lost my mom I went to individual grief therapy for 6 months. I also checked in with a psychiatrist to evaluate medications--which he ended up tweaking/adding and then eventually I was able to taper off with his assistance. I then went to individual therapy for another year just to deal with the fact that my dad had become such a complete a$$.

I have done individual therapy many times over my almost 50 years. I have always found it extremely helpful.

I just can't imagine going through what you are going through without therapy. Big, big hugs.

[doberbrat]

I'm so deeply sorry for your loss

[TwinFoxes]

I do not have the same BTDT. But when my mom died suddenly I was a wreck. A year later after trying to suck it up I went to counseling. It was such a relief to talk to a stranger who I didn't feel like I was burdening with my problems. I felt that after a few weeks no one I knew wanted to hear about it (this was not really true, but I was a mess). Being able to cry for a solid hour was so cathartic! I did individual counseling. It really helped me.

I wish you all the best. My sincerest prayers are being offered up for you. :grouphug:

[wellyes]

19. That is a tragedy. My heart goes out to you, your family and his friends.

[DrSally]

I'm so sorry. I would definitely reach out for help, either indiv, group, or both. You need do this for yourself.

[RV Mom]

How painful to have lost a son. I am so sorry for your loss and to feel like you always have to be strong all the time must feel like a lot of pressure.

I think counseling is definitely effective if you can find the right person to work with. I have spent a lot of time in counseling for a variety of things in my life and would say that some people I have worked with have been better than others. Definitely find someone who perhaps has experience dealing with grief and specifically maybe losing a child.

I just posted about losing my mom while pregnant with my first baby. So I understand the grief of losing someone so close very well. I am very much in and out of grieving the lose of my mom. I haven't been to group counseling however have thought about it. If you are open to the experience perhaps it would help you with some of the pressure you feel. Maybe its worth a try if you found the right group of people.

Sending you much love as you deal with your pain.

[mommyp]

I am so very sorry for your loss. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

[Roleysmom]

I am so very sorry for your loss.

I saw a therapist for about six months after my mom died. I went after I felt like the days were getting worse instead of getting better. It was a hard decision for me to make. I think I was vaguely suspicious of therapy - I had an "it may work for others but it's not for me" type of feeling. But I didn't want to keep feeling so out-of-control with sadness and depression. I decided it couldn't hurt. I do think it did help. Having someone to talk to helped me feel more in control. I was always emotionally spent after the session but after a day or so would feel a little better. I didn't want it to be a long-term thing so I stopped sooner than my therapist thought I should but it helped me get over the worst time.

I started seeing the therapist through my employer's Employee Assistance Program. The EAP offered three covered sessions. Then once it was clear that the relationship would work and I was getting something out of it, I paid for it on my own (and probably could have billed insurance.) If you or your spouse have access to an EAP, that could be a way to ease yourself into it.

I wish you well. You are going through something no one should have to.

[citymama]

I am so very sorry for your enormous loss. I hope you find some support to help in your way forward. Many hugs and blessings.

[KpbS]

I am very, very sorry for your loss. I have no experience with grief counseling, just times in my life where I should have gone to see someone. I hope you can find a room full of people whom you don't have to explain anything to and a counselor with lots of experience. Sending lots of hugs and prayers your way. :hug:

[zag95]

I am so sorry for your loss.

I attended grief counseling when my maternal grandparents died, approx 3 weeks apart. I was 23 yrs old- they were my favorite grandparents, the ones that lived in town, that I had always seen and done things with. Grandpa died first, and Grandma, who had recently fallen, etc. spiraled down shortly after. It was very hard to deal with, because of the deaths being so close together.

I would strongly encourage you to attend a grief class, either in a group or private class. You could contact the social work dept of a local hospital and see if there are any groups that deal with parents who have lost their children, or therapists that specialize in working in that area.

Thinking of you during this difficult time. Take care:hug:

[Globetrotter]

:hug: It's probably worth a try, but it may take time to find someone you bond with. You could also try support groups, online or irl.

I can't imagine what you are going through, and I am very sorry for your loss.

[egoldber]

I am very sorry for your loss.

I did not go to a counselor at the time, but I probably should have. DH and I went to joint counseling a few months after we lost our second child to help resolve some issues we were having.

Like PP said, the grief will come in waves. Many people are in shock the first few weeks. IME, the worst intensity of grief was in months 3-12 after the loss. And that also tends to be when people start to pull back because the loss is "over" for them. While you are still in the midst of coping with the aftermath and making sense of a life that now has a gaping hole in it.

I also found that in subsequent years around significant milestones the loss comes back in a big way. Seven years later, I still struggle around her birthday.

It is also true that not all therapist are a good fit for all people. I have seen that in the therapists for DD. She has had 3 over the years and all were good, there is one that is just an amazing fit for her and with whom she really connects.

So I think that what you are feeling right now it is very normal, but there is nothing wrong with finding someone to talk to to help you cope. :hug:

[trcy]

I have no BTDT advice, but like others have said, I don't think grief counseling can hurt. I can't imagine your pain; I am so sorry for your loss. Many :hug: to you and your family.

[bostonsmama]

My heart goes out to you for all you're experiencing.

None of my children were born alive, but I lost 5 during pregnancy before I conceived my sixth, which sent me spiralling into anxiety. I could have been nonfunctioning had I not sought help. I wanted a Christian counselor who would not only give me practical ways to combat any depression should I lose that child, too, but who would also pray me through the uncertain days of the pregnancy leading up to her birth so I could find some peace. I've done secular counseling in the past, so I know that it 100% depends on the fit of you and the provider. If you don't click by the second visit, you need to seek someone else.

I think the biggest benefit for me was not transferring all of that built-up anxiety and anger about the losses to my loved ones who were still alive and loving me. She allowed me to see ways that I was cloaking my grief and letting it escape in harmful ways (passive aggressive attacks, verbally abusing my mom, letting fear keep me from enjoying daily life). At each milestone (anniversary, etc), I was able to put it all into words, indulge in my grief without feeling like I was dragging others down or not being strong. It lasted until my DD was 1.5, although honestly by the time she was 1 I had learned everything I needed and just went b/c I enjoyed my counselor's company.

What I loved about a faith-based counselor (mine had her PhD) was that she could pray with me, relate to the way I was processing my grief, yet she didn't ever "go there" by saying something trite like "God needed the baby(ies) more than you did" or "it was their time," or anything. She asked me how and why I formed/came to my beliefs about the loss and how God could sustain me in the now. It was healing.

[missym]

I'm so sorry for your loss. If you don't "click" with the first therapist you try, please don't be discouraged - try again. You and your family will be in my prayers.

[melissaflorida]

So sorry for your loss. My cousin Stephanie lost her son when he was 13 to cancer. She had a very difficult time and found an amazing therapist that diagnosed her with Complicated Grief. It has helped her more than we could have imagined.

Here is her interview, her light shines through again. It's been a long road but she is actually living again.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YOBlnar-65M

You can also find Complicated Grief on FB to find their information.

HTH,

Melissa

[Carrots]

Hi there,
I lost triplets at birth. Although I have had 2 other children since, the pain is still there, and always will be, just under the surface.

I have been seeing a therapist for 6 years, with a long break after the birth of DD K. I learned from her that grief is something you must let yourself process, or else it will always find you.

For me, there will always be situations or special dates that bring my grief to the surface, like the anniversary of my triplets deaths, their due date, their scheduled c-section date, any memorial service or funeral, etc. Their loss in general has shattered my perception of pregnancy, birth, raising children, how fragile life actually is, my children's special needs..... I could go on and on. I need help to process these deep feelings and learn how to cope with them as I live my life.

I know the words "I am sorry" are really inadequate.... so, I wish our situations were different.

:hug:

[TxCat]

:hug: I'm so, so sorry for your loss.

No direct experience with your situation, but one thing struck me in your initial question - I know it seems hard to justify time away from your family for grief counseling at this moment, but hopefully it will give you the outlet you need and some additional tools to help you in processing your feelings over the coming months and years. I think it's likely to be an investment for your family, and not simply time away from them. It's something I would definitely explore, and friends who are in the same situations have generally benefited from the process, either group or individual counseling depending on their personalities.

Again, I'm so sorry.

[Gena]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I don't have any advice. Just hugs and prayers for you and your family.

:grouphug:

[chozen]

:grouphug:

[California]

So sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine your grief. What a tragedy.

At one point in my life I had one tragedy after another happen in a short period. Grief counseling did help me. The local Catholic church that handled the funeral services for my dad offered free counseling to anyone of any faith. You might see if you can find something similar in your area.

There were so many benefits to seeing a counselor. First off the grief counselor let me be human. She was completely down to earth. Grief is physical. Grief is exhausting. Grief changes your body chemistry. When I would comment on how tired I was all the time she was very matter of fact about, "Well yes-- that's grief!" and explained what was happening. She helped me be kinder and gentler to myself. I took care of myself better. I'd gone down to under 100 lbs- I just couldn't eat. And she helped me gently realize that I needed to be tender with my fragile self. I wasn't really helping anyone by punishing myself for still being alive when my loved ones were dead-- if I really wanted to be there for my grieving family I needed to eat, sleep, and exercise. Which sounds simple but wasn't easy for me to do.

Grief is a common experience that is new to you. A grief counselor can give you insight into general patterns that people follow. Knowing those general patterns can help you feel, deep down, a little bit of hope for the future. A good counselor knows that the loss of a child is a lifelong loss. He/she will never get tired of hearing about your grief, will never get annoyed with you for crying in the supermarket checkout line, or feel burdened by what you need to say to her. Your grief is not frightening to her. She will not need you to comfort her by pretending to be strong. She will never expect you to get over your loss.

Your grief counselor can keep an eye on you and see if your grief is following a normal expected pattern or if you potentially need extra help. If you are married, she can help you respect and understand how your partner is grieving. She/he can help you communicate your own grief in a healthy way to your spouse, too.

Grief counselors have lots of good articles to pass along. My mom's grief counselor signed her up for a newsletter that came out by stages of grieving (so the subscription started with beginning stages of grief and then over the next year she got monthly articles specific to the time period she was in.) Mine gave me lots of handouts with ideas on ways to survive the holidays, birthdays, etc.

The things my counselor said and all the papers she gave me didn't always help right at that moment. But, over time different things she said to me or that I read found their appropriate fit when I needed them.

OK, so I've written a novel here to try to give you an idea of the sorts of things a grief counselor may help you with. This is my hand reaching out to give your hand a gentle squeeze. To let you know my heart breaks for you and I wish you healing. Having a grief counselor does not take away grief. It is more like having a coach in your corner. I always thought I was thinking clearly, but looking back I really wasn't. You are going through a worse loss. A clear-headed counselor can help you navigate through these incredibly difficult days.

[shadowlands]

Thank you so much to everyone for reaching out, I greatly appreciate it. The last two days have been especially difficult for some reason, so I have been lying low.

The overwhelming consensus seems to be that grief counseling is worth it. I'm encouraged to hear that there may be places that offer free or reduced services. I am a stay-at-home mom and my husband works for a very small company that doesn't offer any insurance. Talking with a counselor scares me a bit, but I'm having trouble being "normal", so I need to overcome my fear.

It means so much to me that each of you have taken the time to share your story or just give a hug - thank you.

The last two and a half months have been the hardest of my life an it's hard to imagine facing many more. There is a mantra that repeats itself over and over in my mind: I.Miss.My.Son. I do firmly believe I will see him again one day, but that doesn't seem to ease the present agony.

Anyway, thank you so much. Reaching out here, even cloaked in anonymity, was a big step for me.

[Uno-Mom]

There are no words.

I've had the immense priveledge of walking next to a friend whose 18 year old son died from prescription drug OD a little over a year ago. I'm forever changed, just from walking with her.

She has found immense comfort from finding online groups and a few people in real life who are living through the same hell. I guess comfort is too weak a word because even at a distance I can see nothing dulls the pain. I think it helps her understand the pain and also understand that it is normal.

She has also unashamedly taught some of us how to relate to a grieving parent. Now I know better than to ignore it. Now I specifically email or find her on Mother's Day, her son's bday and the anniversary of his death. She melts when I do but she's shown me that my honoring her pain and her son's life is RIGHT.

The other thing she has done is act. Because of the way her son died, her passion is now to reach other youngsters and tell the story; reach other parents and tell the story! I don't know, she may have already saved some other child's life.

[shadowlands]

Thank you so much to everyone for reaching out, I greatly appreciate it. The last two days have been especially difficult for some reason, so I have been lying low.

The overwhelming consensus seems to be that grief counseling is worth it. I'm encouraged to hear that there may be places that offer free or reduced services. I am a stay-at-home mom and my husband works for a very small company that doesn't offer any insurance. Talking with a counselor scares me a bit, but I'm having trouble being "normal", so I need to overcome my fear.

It means so much to me that each of you have taken the time to share your story or just give a hug - thank you.

The last two and a half months have been the hardest of my life an it's hard to imagine facing many more. There is a mantra that repeats itself over and over in my mind: I.Miss.My.Son. I do firmly believe I will see him again one day, but that doesn't seem to ease the present agony.

Anyway, thank you so much. Reaching out here, even cloaked in anonymity, was a big step for me.

[liz]

I couldn't read without posting. I don't have any experience with counseling, but I pray that you find what you need. :grouphug:

[AnnieW625]

So sorry for your loss.

When we lost baby #2 to Trisomy 18 I did a lot of grieving, but the grieving really started as soon as we found out the diagnosis so by the time the loss was finally final I felt like I could start healing. I went to a grief counselor through my insurance once and I had the option to go back, but I didn't, but it was nice to get everything out in the open at least once.

What is going to be hard for me is in 2 yrs. when the current 3 yr. old siblings at DD1's school start kindergarten. Many of them were born around the same time that the baby was due. I am going to always look at those kids and think our baby would have been one of them.

I'll say some prayers to you and hope that things get better and that you get the results you want from your grief counseling.

[dogmom]

I just wanted to add a couple of things that might be helpful. To find support groups you can look for several places: contact the social work department at you local hospital, your own doctor or pediatrician, you faith group. You can contact your insurance, they usually have a separate number for mental health. Also, maybe your husband's employee assistance program. As other PP said, try different things. Something will eventually click and be helpful.

I used to work as a donor coordinator as the local organ bank and by definition all the family I dealt with had lost a loved one quite suddenly. We would have contact with some of these families for years afterwards. I gave a presentation with a grief counselor once and I asked her when she prefers to see clients and she immediately replied "Month 13." She said that the first year is just marching through all the anniversaries and holidays in a bubble. She said after the year is usually when families can even begin thinking of a future and getting help to construct a new one without the one they love. I say this because you mentioned the time line and I just want to let you know this is a very normal progression of grief.

[firstbaby]

Many many p&pt to you and your family. I couldn't read and not post.

[Clarity]

I think that it would be worth it. A friend's ds committed suicide this past spring and I know that she and her dh both went to see a therapist and I know that doing so was very helpful for them.

I wanted to add that I have seen that some churches have grief counseling groups. If you don't feel up to the task, ask family or a friend if they can help you find resources in the community. Or pm me and I'll help. :hug: It would just mean call churches/social organizations in your community and help you connect to them and I can absolutely do that.

Many, many hugs to you, mama. I'm so very sorry for your loss.

[BabyMine]

I don't know if this will help but the site below is from a mom who lost her son last year. I know sometimes relating can help. I also agree in therapy. It's a great way to deal with the current emotions and then the ones that will pop up later down the road. I am so sorry for your loss.

http://aninchofgray.blogspot.com/

[123LuckyMom]

I cannot express how sorry I am for your loss. I'm glad you're considering counseling. I used to work in hospice, and I have seen how helpful it can be. Hospice is another place you can turn to find therapists that specialize in grief. I'll be praying that you find some solace.

[LMPC]

I am so very sorry to hear about your son! My thoughts are with you, and I, too, am glad to hear that you are considering grief counseling. I truly believe in it and hope that you find it helpful!

[MamaKath]

:grouphug:
I am so sorry for your loss. Many prayers and positive thoughts as you mourn. It is hard to go on after a loss and often harder to find the person or persons you to help you do that. I found a grief group helpful at one point for dealing with my emotions during a time of mourning. It was hard to see everyone get on with life, to know I needed to, and to not know how: I felt very stuck. I also have found this book (http://www.amazon.com/Time-Mourn-Dance-Help-Losses/dp/0970150903) to be helpful.

[ChunkyNicksChunkyMom]

Many prayers for you and your family. No one should ever go through this.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I am so sorry for your loss.

[DietCokeLover]

I am so very sorry for your loss. Praying for comfort for you and your family in the days to come.