How to stop crying

[Dcclerk]

My wonderful DS is 9 and a great kid. He is a typical first born and quite competitive, wants to be first/best/ etc. He plays on a soccer team that is pretty competitive, and he is a decent athlete. However, he isn't getting as much positive feedback from his peers I think because he is pretty quick to cry.

He is a pretty sensitive kid and has always had a knee-jerk reaction to many things by crying. In fact, I was always somewhat surprised that it hadn't caused more negative ramifications with his peers when he was younger. In the last year, however, I have seen it start to affect his relationships with other boys. When he cries when he gets hurt (which occurs fairly often-- probably once every other game or practice), I see the rolled eyes and exasperated looks. I hear the under-the-breath comments, and notice how he doesn't get as many passes, etc.

As much as I would love to teach everyone that having feelings is fine and it shouldn't matter if someone cries to express them, the reality is, it is a problem for DS with his peers. How can I teach my DS some techniques that will help him stop crying or better yet, not even start? Any resources that you would suggest in this situation would be much appreciated.

TIA!

[MelissaTC]

I wish I could help. M, 10, is the same way. He has gotten better but it has caused some problems this past school year with one of his friends, who decided to drop him. I have to remind myself that my kid has an incredible heart, amazing compassion and has a strong desire to do good in the world.

I will be watching this thread. In the mean time, I can empathize.

[Blue Hydrangea]

Can you teach him some techniques for managing his emotions? It's absolutely ok for him to feel sad, hurt, and mad, but it's nice to have a big "toolbox"of techniques to help him manage and feel in control.

A favorite of of mine is teaching deep (belly) breathing. A big deep breath in through his nose for a count of 3 that is so big it makes his belly stick out, then slowly out through his mouth for a count of 3. Do three in row. If it helps, he can visualize something that appeals to him- that he's slowly blowing out a candle, that he's a fire-breathing dragon, or maybe cloud blowing wind gently across a field.

Positive self-talk can help to. Teach him to think something like "I'm going to be ok" over and over again, or even said under his breath. You might help him come up with something on his own that he can use as a mantra when he's upset.

Good luck!

[hillview]

Thanks for posting this -- DS1 is like this and newly 7. I will be watching this post!

[MamaKath]

Can you teach him some techniques for managing his emotions? It's absolutely ok for him to feel sad, hurt, and mad, but it's nice to have a big "toolbox"of techniques to help him manage and feel in control.

A favorite of of mine is teaching deep (belly) breathing. A big deep breath in through his nose for a count of 3 that is so big it makes his belly stick out, then slowly out through his mouth for a count of 3. Do three in row. If it helps, he can visualize something that appeals to him- that he's slowly blowing out a candle, that he's a fire-breathing dragon, or maybe cloud blowing wind gently across a field.

Positive self-talk can help to. Teach him to think something like "I'm going to be ok" over and over again, or even said under his breath. You might help him come up with something on his own that he can use as a mantra when he's upset.

Good luck!
Love these tips! I am also watching this thread as I have a very emotional ds.

[dhano923]

My DS is like this too. I'll be looking forward to the replies.

[vejemom]

I know it isn't much help when you're in the middle of it, but...my younger stepson was like that at that age and outgrew it. At 13, he's a pretty stereotypical young teen boy. Wish I had some other advice, but there is light at the end of the tunnel :)

[Simon]

Ds1 is quick to cry sometimes too. I have him take deep breaths and we do it together. Breathe in 1-2-3 and out 1-2-3.

Ds1 responds well to logic and talking thing through so I'll talk about how crying expresses a very deep/strong feeling of sadness and is this event/moment one of real sorrow? Like, his little brother ate the last goldfish cracker, is this big sadness or disappointment? I'll give an example of a real big thing and make other silly comparisons and he'll move on to laughing. I try to acknowledge that it might feel to him like a big deal that the last cracker is gone, but then give him some perspective. Also, sometimes we talk about, can it be fixed? If we can fix it, then I try to move him along to working on solutions. Crying might be your first reaction, but what is next, what can you/we do...the goal is to get him to start automatically moving on from crying vs. getting stuck. This has been working. He'll get teary but sometimes catch himself and say, "but we can fix this."

If its about an injury, I might give an over-the-top silly reaction like, "Ds1, oh no, you're crying and hurt, where, what happened, we better hurry to the Dr. Stop playing ____(sport), do you need a hospital? Quick, let's go." This lets him reassure me that it isn't a big deal (vs. me trying to tell him which never works). Then we can calmly assess whether it needs attention or not. Do you know those pain scale faces at the Dr's office? Other times I might say to Ds1, "you're crying so this must be a 4 or 5 for pain. Is that right? Its not, okay then lets take some deep breaths."

We also created a set phrase for "its no big deal" and he'll use it like a mantra or we'll say it/he'll use it when trying to check with us. Like, I spilled some milk but ____(no big deal), right? Or, I just got hit in the head with the ball, but _____.

I'll admit in my not-so-fine parenting moments that I might snap at him to stop crying :( Of course that doesn't work and we both just feel rotten. I usually apologize and correct myself that I don't want him to feel like he can't express himself with tears.

[elektra]

Ds1 is quick to cry sometimes too. I have him take deep breaths and we do it together. Breathe in 1-2-3 and out 1-2-3.

Ds1 responds well to logic and talking thing through so I'll talk about how crying expresses a very deep/strong feeling of sadness and is this event/moment one of real sorrow? Like, his little brother ate the last goldfish cracker, is this big sadness or disappointment? I'll give an example of a real big thing and make other silly comparisons and he'll move on to laughing. I try to acknowledge that it might feel to him like a big deal that the last cracker is gone, but then give him some perspective. Also, sometimes we talk about, can it be fixed? If we can fix it, then I try to move him along to working on solutions. Crying might be your first reaction, but what is next, what can you/we do...the goal is to get him to start automatically moving on from crying vs. getting stuck. This has been working. He'll get teary but sometimes catch himself and say, "but we can fix this."

If its about an injury, I might give an over-the-top silly reaction like, "Ds1, oh no, you're crying and hurt, where, what happened, we better hurry to the Dr. Stop playing ____(sport), do you need a hospital? Quick, let's go." This lets him reassure me that it isn't a big deal (vs. me trying to tell him which never works). Then we can calmly assess whether it needs attention or not. Do you know those pain scale faces at the Dr's office? Other times I might say to Ds1, "you're crying so this must be a 4 or 5 for pain. Is that right? Its not, okay then lets take some deep breaths."

We also created a set phrase for "its no big deal" and he'll use it like a mantra or we'll say it/he'll use it when trying to check with us. Like, I spilled some milk but ____(no big deal), right? Or, I just got hit in the head with the ball, but _____.

I'll admit in my not-so-fine parenting moments that I might snap at him to stop crying :( Of course that doesn't work and we both just feel rotten. I usually apologize and correct myself that I don't want him to feel like he can't express himself with tears.

These seem like such great suggestions!
OP does your DS want to stop the crying? Or is it more just you wanting him to stop at this point? Asking because I used to work with a sports psychologist on techniques to stop yourself from crying (I am a crier!), and if he wants to stop one of the key things is to realize when you are starting and shut it down early. Dr. R categorized crying into 3 stages- stage one is getting teary, you feel it coming on but a tear hasn't dropped yet. Stage 2 is when the tears are actually flowing, and stage 3 is full on sobbing, runny nose- the whole nine.
We would work on identifying that we were getting close to stage 1 or even completely in stage 1 and realizing that that was the point to shut it down, as if we progressed to stage 2 there was no turning back. Our way out of that mindset was to have a focal point or mantra for when we felt stage 1 coming on. It would be something positive that symbolized what we were working for and didn't want the tears to get in the way of.

And I like how the pp framed it- I mean all this suppressing your emotions goes completely out the window if it's a truly sorrowful thing that needs to be expressed. But goldfish cracker? Not so much. And I just like the idea of helping kids identify what truly big problems are and what things are really "no big deal."
This not only came in handy for me for sports stuff and keeping my composure on the field but also in work too. I just know that if I feel stage 1 coming on, I have to shut it off right then or else there is no turning back. You really have to want to work on it though, because you really can't stop the emotions from flooding in, it's all in how you handle them, KWIM?

[Dcclerk]

I wanted to thank everyone who helped out in this post. There were a number of insights that I think I can start implementing from how to recognize what are big deals and not big deals to what stage he is in his emotions to having a mantra/self-talk phrase to repeat so that he loops something good rather than his emotions.

In his tournament this weekend, he was able to work through a tough hit that was certainly worthy of some tears. But he regained his composure and ended up scoring the three goals that won the game. Winning and scoring are not that big of a deal (I have no delusion I'm raising an elite athlete :) ), but I think he saw a little bit of cause and effect of what he can do when he works hard to be mentally strong. It is nice to feel successful in that aspect.

We have been talking through when and how to deal with his emotions. He knows that he can come home and we will talk about whatever went on, with many tears and frustrations included, but he is starting to see that sometimes he can't let the emotion take over in the moment. We talk about how it is something that both his dad and I have to do at work when things are really hard, and so it is good practice for him to learn the skills now so it won't be so hard when he is older.

I think I am learning that it is actually easier for him to get himself composed when he has been "wronged" by someone he doesn't know. When it is a teammate or fellow classmate, it feels more personal and is much more difficult to let go. That totally makes sense to me.

I have been going over some of the articles at this website that also helps me tweak what I am doing to make sure that I am not putting subtle pressure that I am not even aware of. http://www.youthsportspsychology.com/youth_sports_psychology_blog/?p=382

Finally, I learned from my mom, whose natural reaction is to cry about anything, that if you look high up in the corner of your eye, it helps to stop some of the tears from flowing. I don't know if it is because you are concentrating so hard, or if there is anything physical going on, but I figure if it works, I don't care!

Thanks again for all of your help; I really appreciate it!