NYT Article - Raising Successful Children

[Giantbear]

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/08/05/opinion/sunday/raising-successful-children.html?_r=1&pagewanted=all

[Green_Tea]

Read it and really liked it. Totally in line with my parenting philosophy.

[brittone2]

Thanks for sharing.

If you liked the article, you may be interested in the book Mindset, written by C. Dweck. I read about it here with respect to helping perfectionistic children, and it has given me some great things to talk with my DS1 about.

[AnnieW625]

Nice article. Finally a NYT article about parenting that doesn't highlight the top 5% of incomes:) Dh and I parent this way as well.

Beth, thanks for the book rec., I am a bit of a perfectionist and I see that in Dd1 as well.

[brittone2]

Nice article. Finally a NYT article about parenting that doesn't highlight the top 5% of incomes:) Dh and I parent this way as well.

Beth, thanks for the book rec., I am a bit of a perfectionist and I see that in Dd1 as well.
I read the book to help DS1, and learned a good bit about myself ;)

[ourbabygirl]

That was great; thanks so much for sharing!

[trickyhop]

That was grat; thanks so much for sharing!
:yeahthat:

[Giantbear]

It really struck a chord with me about one of my fears, stepping in too much.

[AmyZ]

Thanks! Great article.

[citymama]

Really good article, thanks for sharing. I agree with almost everything he says, even though I know I'm not quite there as a parent yet (mostly when it comes to encouraging "free-range" behavior. Otoh, my kids are 6 and 2, so maybe I'll get there...).

[janine]

Liked it as well, I am a more laid back parent with the extarcurriculars (summers are actually lazy). But I also do not overly coddle - I'm honest sometimes.

Hopefully this article doesn't set another craze though with hyped up Mrs . Jones now obsessing over not coddling and not encouraging TOO much but just the RIGHT amount. Ulitimately it's about our culture and competiteve parenting that is rampant and exhausting.

[AnnieW625]

I liked the article as well, and it was finally nice to read a parenting piece from the NYT that wasn't about the top 5% of incomes in the NY area. This is how DH and I parent. We are pretty laid back, but we have our rules and we enforce them. We want our kids to enjoy childhood. My DD1 is in swim lessons this summer, and I am going to put her on a waiting list for a local gymnastics class (bad timing I know, but I was planning on doing this for DD2 a while back but just have never gotten around to it, and all of a sudden DD1 wants to try it as well). DD2 goes to Gymboree and I will be putting her on a list for a mom n me gymnastics class at a local gym, but if we don't get in right now I would be more than happy to wait until she is 3 for her to start. I just want my girls to have fun. Team competition is not something I want unless from the get go I can see that they have talent.

[GaPeach_in_Ca]

If you treat your walking toddler as if she can’t walk, you diminish her confidence and distort reality. Ditto nightly “reviews” of homework, repetitive phone calls to “just check if you’re O.K.” and “editing” (read: writing) your child’s college application essay.


I have a hard time with the homework. I think this year I will try to ease off on the checking. Less work for me anyways! But then again, later on she uses as a "good" example, making your child sit down and do their homework. I guess you can check if they've done it, but not review it?

IDK, I didn't find this article that clear. Especially the whole idea of comparing making a young child do homework ("good") with helping a young adult fill out their college application ("bad"). That's such a wide gap that it makes an ineffectual comparison.


FWIW, I didn't get much from this article about extracurriculars.

[buttercup]

I have a hard time with the homework. I think this year I will try to ease off on the checking. Less work for me anyways! But then again, later on she uses as a "good" example, making your child sit down and do their homework. I guess you can check if they've done it, but not review it?

IDK, I didn't find this article that clear. Especially the whole idea of comparing making a young child do homework ("good") with helping a young adult fill out their college application ("bad"). That's such a wide gap that it makes an ineffectual comparison.


FWIW, I didn't get much from this article about extracurriculars.

I agree with this assesment. Article IMO was too general to be useful. We should not write children's college essays, check.

[egoldber]

I have found Dweck's work, and her book Mindset, to be very useful in approaching academic work with my older DD.

To me, the homework thing makes perfect sense. It is not my responsibility to make sure that the homework is done correctly. That is the child's job and the teacher's job. Homework is the child's opportunity to practice what they have learned, including making mistakes. Making mistakes is an essential part of learning. People who learn from their mistakes go farther in life than those who are afraid of making mistakes. This is the heart of what Dweck talks about in Mindset.

I know a lot of parents who check their child's homework every night and make them correct any errors. In Dweck's view, this cheats the child of the opportunity to 1) learn from their mistakes and 2) learn that making mistakes is an integral part of the learning process. It makes them more resilient and more confident in themselves in their abilities.

[GaPeach_in_Ca]

I have found Dweck's work, and her book Mindset, to be very useful in approaching academic work with my older DD.
...
I know a lot of parents who check their child's homework every night and make them correct any errors. In Dweck's view, this cheats the child of the opportunity to 1) learn from their mistakes and 2) learn that making mistakes is an integral part of the learning process. It makes them more resilient and more confident in themselves in their abilities.

How is correcting your errors not learning from your mistakes? I thought our teachers encouraged us to go over the homework with our kids last year, but I might have misunderstood. If you don't show them they made a mistake, how will they learn from it? Or do you have them look at the mistake when the papers are returned (if they are returned after being marked)?

My son's only going into 3rd, so I'm sure it will be changing. I'm going to try the "not looking over homework" method this year, I think.

Looks like I need to read Mindset.

[o_mom]

How is correcting your errors not learning from your mistakes? I thought our teachers encouraged us to go over the homework with our kids last year, but I might have misunderstood. If you don't show them they made a mistake, how will they learn from it? Or do you have them look at the mistake when the papers are returned (if they are returned after being marked)?

My son's only going into 3rd, so I'm sure it will be changing. I'm going to try the "not looking over homework" method this year, I think.

Looks like I need to read Mindset.

My feeling on it is that if *I* correct it at home, then the teacher has no idea that my child is missing concept XYZ. I try really, really hard not to say anything when they miss something as long as they have completed the homework.

[maestramommy]

I have found Dweck's work, and her book Mindset, to be very useful in approaching academic work with my older DD.

To me, the homework thing makes perfect sense. It is not my responsibility to make sure that the homework is done correctly. That is the child's job and the teacher's job. Homework is the child's opportunity to practice what they have learned, including making mistakes. Making mistakes is an essential part of learning. People who learn from their mistakes go farther in life than those who are afraid of making mistakes. This is the heart of what Dweck talks about in Mindset.

I know a lot of parents who check their child's homework every night and make them correct any errors. In Dweck's view, this cheats the child of the opportunity to 1) learn from their mistakes and 2) learn that making mistakes is an integral part of the learning process. It makes them more resilient and more confident in themselves in their abilities.

that's an interesting point. When I was a kid my 3rd grade teacher had this policy about double checking your homework. But then my dad would check it over again, and make me correct the mistakes I missed, while scolding me for not double checking. Um, I did check, but whatever.

I don't know what Dora's homework is going to be like this year, but I suspect I will make her check it herself, then see where that takes her.

[egoldber]

How is correcting your errors not learning from your mistakes? I thought our teachers encouraged us to go over the homework with our kids last year, but I might have misunderstood. If you don't show them they made a mistake, how will they learn from it? Or do you have them look at the mistake when the papers are returned (if they are returned after being marked)?

Teachers often do encourage parents review homework with their kids. And for some kids this may work out fine. But I think that especially for kids who tend to be anxious, it can undermine their confidence. I know it did for older DD. In third grade was when I completely backed away from her homework. I made sure she did it, but trusted her when she said it was complete. I know they review the homework in class so there is no real percentage in me also reviewing her homework with her.

When she brings home tests with mistakes, I don't even talk about that with her unless it seems she completely misses a concept. But if she is doing well in school and making good grades on tests, then I don't think that my reviewing her homework adds any value, it only adds stress.

The elementary years are the years for her to learn how to do homework, how to study. Making mistakes on homework does nothing to impair that process and can actually help it along. By making mistaking on homework (and tests for that matter), she has learned valuable lessons about how to study and how to manage her time.

[elektra]

Completely agree with the homework thing, although I know it will be really difficult for me to lay off. My mom always did homework with me, (and probably even for me in some cases) and I turned it in perfectly almost every time. I had no concept as a child that the homework was for practice and for me to work through it myself. It was really difficult for me to make the switch in I guess about junior high, to not have my mom as a safety net for me as far as homework.
I was always praised for outcomes rather than effort, and I really want to do things differently with my kids. But again, I can see where I know DD has not tried hard enough to do certain problems and I will want her to try it again. We shall see what happens this year!

But I have to say that there is no way I am not helping my kids with their college applications. That is not the time to lay off IMO. If you have done your job throughout elementary and beyond, your kids will be confident, know how to learn from their mistakes, and be ready to give the application a shot. However, you better believe that I will be checking that application over!

[GaPeach_in_Ca]

Great points on the homework!

I will see how DS's teacher is handling it this year. You all are totally right that if they are reviewing the homework in class that it is pointless to correct and also it can keep the teacher from seeing their true ability. I think previous teacher's did not use the homework to assess the student's proficiency, but rather used classwork for that. The homework was reinforcement, which is why I thought it good to correct.

[Giantbear]

DD is am no where near the age where i have to consider this, but my wife, who is a 6th grade teacher, told me in discussion that she, as a teacher would encourage checking to see if homework is done, if the child needs that check (ie, my wife would never need that as a kid but i definitely did). As for correcting it, she plans to look it over occasionally (depending on what type of student dd becomes), and give guidance if she sees a pattern of wrong answers, but not "teach her" at home. Her feeling is, if she "teaches" at home, the teacher will never know how dd is actually grasping the information. My wife will handle math and english. For social studies and science, i plan on taking a more discussion oriented approach with dd, but not to correct or overly influence assignments.

But i think the article is more about a philosophy of parenting rather than just about homework. What i took from it was that a balanced approach of giving direction and encouragement rather than being too hands on or overly rewarding when parenting. That allowing a child to learn on their own ultimately is more beneficial than showing them the correct way all the time. A child who learns consequences to behavior, both good and bad, is better of developmentally than one who is deprived of that experience.

From a personal standpoint, i see the detriment of an overly protective parent with my sister and niece. My sister is forever trying to protect my niece from anything potentially bad, and as a result, my niece is afraid of her own shadow. I know it is learned behavior to a a large degree as i see the difference in her behavior when she is with my sister v. with grandma or my family.

[maestramommy]

[QUOTE=Giantbear;3567388]

But i think the article is more about a philosophy of parenting rather than just about homework. What i took from it was that a balanced approach of giving direction and encouragement rather than being too hands on or overly rewarding when parenting. That allowing a child to learn on their own ultimately is more beneficial than showing them the correct way all the time. A child who learns consequences to behavior, both good and bad, is better of developmentally than one who is deprived of that experience.

/QUOTE]

I agree. Since my kids are young the homework issue isn't really here yet, but there are many other areas where I am learning to just let it go. Dora can now get her own breakfast. Had she not insisted on getting up earlier in the morning this wouldn't have happened for I don't know how long. But now she gets up, makes her own toast, gets her own water. she can even get her own oatmeal out of the crockpot. Arwyn is learning to spread butter on her own toast, and I just have to not cringe at the potholes. The older two make their own beds and I don't insist that it look perfect, just reasonably tidy. They dress themselves and I try not to look at their occasionally completely mismatched outfits. I think my sense of color coordination has been completely mixed up:tongue5: