Terrible twos...any advice?

[AnimalBabe]

Not sure if this is the best forum to post this, but I need some advice/reassurance. My son is in his terrible twos! Enough said right? Well, I think he's also getting his two year molars, and man is he cranky lately. He says "no" a LOT and the last few days he has been grabbing his jaw like crazy and even motrin doesn't seem to help. So, this morning I lost it. He wakes up and I have only 30 mins to get him dressed, diaper changed, snack, etc, before getting in the car to take him to daycare. First, he doesn't want to get out of the crib, then when we get downstairs he won't let me get his shirt on. Keeps hitting my hand away, then runs away when pants approach, says "no," I say "yes," screams at me, tries to hit and then I cracked at yelled back and he bursts into tears. I only get to see him for this half hour on the days I work b/c I get home too late to put him to bed most nights, and I hate ruining that time by getting angry but I couldn't help it.

There's no reasoning with him at this age, so what do I do?? I have told him he will get a time out if he hits and I will say "no hitting" sternly, but I'm sure he knows I'm bluffing b/c I rarely do time outs. Mainly because I don't know the best way to do it...the bathroom is the only place I've found safe enough to put him where he can't destroy something, and I fear that locking him in there for one minute makes him more scared than anything. I know he must be in pain too, but are molars THAT painful? I really don't know. I'm assuming that's all it is because he's normally not this unruly, and he has been napping more poorly. In general he's a very sweet, well behaved toddler. I guess I'm just wondering what to do now that he's becoming more of an independent, yet much more defiant, little man. It's my first child so I have no experience with disciplining and I know I'm going to have to work on controlling my emotions and not letting his defiance get to me. Any advice is greatly appreciated! Thanks!!

[SnuggleBuggles]

Pick your battles. If you can send him to daycare in his pjs then do it, for example. Give him some choices, even of they aren't really choices or they are both wins for you. "do you want to wear this or this?", "do you want to go downstairs or get dressed"... GL!

[BabyBearsMom]

Not really much advice, but commiseration. It is a tough age. I do think it is really important that you follow through though because they know if you don't mean it. For time outs, I either put DD1 in her crib or in a high chair facing the wall. I also leave the room when she is in time out or she thinks they are fun. Being alone is what makes it punishment. It is only 2 minutes and I do feel bad about it, but she has to learn somehow and we aren't a spanking family.

[BabbyO]

DS has always been sensitive to teeth coming in...so I think they CAN be that painful/irritating. But you mention that he's not napping as well. The poor sleep/less sleep may be factoring in more than you know.

Also, I've figured out that DS1 like DH needs time to wake up. I can go from sleeping to 60 in 10 seconds, but DH can't and never could. He marvels at what I can get done in the am or how I can jump from sleeping in bed to working out in about 10 min. He has to have time to wake up.

When I have to get DS ready (if DH is gone because I'm usually out of the house before the kids are up), I've learned to go into his room, quietly, open his curtains and blinds (his windows are pretty shaded, so it isn't crazy bright when I do this). If he stirs when I do this, I just walk out. If he doesn't, I rub his back 1-2x, then walk out.

I go about my business getting ready and getting DS2 ready. This allows DS1 to wake on his own schedule and he is MUCH more compliant an happy in general. For DS1 it often takes about 10 min or so) If I wake him with only 30 min and we have to get a bunch of things done and I'm barking orders, trying to get him to do certain things, we will ALWAYS end up crabby.

Not sure if that would help with your DS...but it could be worth a try. BEst of luck!

[rin]

Agreed that you absolutely have to teach him that when you say something, you mean it. I don't ever tell my DD I'm going to do something as a consequence unless I'm absolutely willing to follow through. We do time outs where we send DD to her room (she has the choice of walking herself, and the door can stay open, or I carry her and I shut the door) and she can come out when she's ready to be a "polite member of the family", e.g. not yelling/hitting/whatever toddler thing she was doing. If we're not somewhere that I can give her a physical time out, I tell her that we're going to take a break and we can't talk for one minute.

Also, I'd pick the battles; only insist on the things you cannot do in the car/at school. For us, that's basically a clean diaper and brushing teeth, so everything else I let her live with the consequences of not doing it.

With my DD (she's 28 months right now) once something has become a power struggle, I've basically already lost, so I try to keep the mood light and remind her that I can't make her do something, but if she doesn't do it, then X will happen. For example, if she doesn't put on her own shoes, I will carry her to the car w/no shoes on. If she doesn't eat breakfast in 5 minutes (a sand timer is good because at that age they have no sense of time, but you can say "before all the sand falls out") then she doesn't get to finish and has to eat a banana in the car. If she doesn't put on her shirt, then she goes to school in her jammies/w no shirt with a bag of clothes that I picked out. (For some reason there's never a battle about putting shirts/shoes/etc on before getting out of the car at preschool!)

[gatorsmom]

First just try to remember that this is a phase. He is just now realizing he can get some independence from mom and he wants to try it out. But he will go back to your cooperative, loving baby in about 6 months or less (and then after some more time being sweet he'll go through another difficult phase. Fun huh? ;). ).

My suggestion is to give yourself enough time in the morning to deal with his changing moods. I dont think 30minutes would have been long enough for me. And the more you dig in your heals, the more he'll dig in his. Give him choices of outfits to wear in the morning, and don't give your opinion whether you like it or not. When my middle child was going through this he wanted to do his own thing and did not want moms affirmation. If I told him, "oh, I love that outfit", he'd suddenly not want it and we'd be back going over choices again! Also, try to give him some big boy foods or opportunities. Like, if you usually hold his meal spoon, let him hold it and make a big deal about how you need his help now that he is getting tone a big boy. Tell him that now that he's a big boy he can have a silly cup with his meal or other minor changes that you can spin to sound like major milestones. He wants some independence so pretend to give him some and respect his big boy opinions. That should help a bit with his tantrums. GL!

[AnimalBabe]

Thanks, everyone! So I have a couple more questions after reading your posts. One reason I feel so baffled lately as to what to do is that I don't think his language/comprehension is developed enough for some of the things you all are suggesting. Of course, I could be underestimating him! I try to make very short, firm statements when he does something bad, like "no hitting" or "that hurts mommy" or what not. Rin, I tried what you suggested just this morning...telling him when he began taking his shoes back off, that if he didn't leave them on I would put him in the car without them, but I was rebuffed and he kept on doing it. I have also tried giving two choices, which has worked very rarely, and usually he says "no" to both. Tricky little guy.

I'm reading thru some older posts on this forum re the terrible twos and I am going to start trying to get more at his eye level, and to praise good behavior more often too. I definitely will start to be more consistent about following thru on what I say regarding time outs too, you're right on that for sure. I think putting him in his crib would be a great idea, but where do you put them when they are downstairs? Rin and BabyBearsMom: I think the time it would take for me to strap him into a high chair or walk him upstairs would cause too much lost momentum, but I like the idea of having him face a wall..I just don't think he'll stay there. Hmm. Any other suggestions for good places to put him in a time out?

I know it's been a rough week too, and his lack of sleep is compounding the issue. When you know your kids are sick or teething do you still use the same discipline tactics? I guess I felt bad putting him in a time out this morning b/c he looked so awful to begin with. Sigh.

Rin: You have an interesting idea, but I think that if I left him in his PJ's and didnt' change him for daycare, I think our daycare teachers would be really annoyed. I'm sure they would expect me to do that when I arrive then. Plus he still wears the footed PJ's so I'd have to take them off to change his diaper anyway.

[AnimalBabe]

gatorsmom: Thanks for the advice too! I will try to give more options. Regarding the 30 mins to get ready though, that is literally all I have. He is waking around 7am, and we have to be out of the door by 7:35 at the very latest to make it to daycare in time for his breakfast. Ugh.

[BabbyO]

gatorsmom: Thanks for the advice too! I will try to give more options. Regarding the 30 mins to get ready though, that is literally all I have. He is waking around 7am, and we have to be out of the door by 7:35 at the very latest to make it to daycare in time for his breakfast. Ugh.

I just wanted to mention 2 things.
1. I don't think you should stay longer. We all understand needing to get out the door at X time. You could try waking him earlier. So if he normally wakes at 7 am...go into his room and open the curtains/rub his back then walk out at 6:50 or so. This gives him 10 min to wake and adjust, then run into the hussle & bussle of getting ready.

2. For what it is worth we started time out's the way Jo Frost teaches them on Supernanny. We started shortly after DS1 turned 2. After only 1-2 days of consistantly using this technique we had success most of the time. You do need to start the technique when you have time to follow through. Here is a link to how it is done. http://jofrost.com/jos-techniques/naughty-step-technique

We don't use a step, we use the corner by the front door/closet. He doesn't HAVE to face the wall, but he does have to stay in that area. I watched a LOT of Supernanny while on Maternity leave with #2 and she uses this technique over and over, on a step, on a chair, in a dedicated corner/place on a wall, etc. Any place works so long as you are consistant in the steps. I've employed the technique in the mall, at restaurants, and most recently at the Zoo.

[mackmama]

We're at a similar age, and I've found this website to be really helpful -
http://www.ahaparenting.com/ages-stages/toddlers/discipline-managing-toddler

[AnimalBabe]

thanks for those links! I'm reading through them now! :)

[Kira's Mommy]

I haven't read all the replies but the 1-2-3 Magic works like, well, magic in our house. If you don't feel like buying and reading the entire book read through amazon reviews you'll get the essence of the approach.

http://www.amazon.com/1-2-3-Magic-Effective-Discipline-Children/dp/1889140430/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1344476005&sr=8-1&keywords=123+magic

[hellbennt]

not sure if I got this link from here or thebabywearer?

http://joanneaz_2.tripod.com/positivedisciplineresourcecenter/id23.html

[brittone2]

not sure if I got this link from here or thebabywearer?

http://joanneaz_2.tripod.com/positivedisciplineresourcecenter/id23.html
Lots of moms here also like GOYB parenting. I'm a big fan. I think it is very important to GOYB with 2 yos in particular...you are showing them early on that your words have meaning.

[cvanbrunt]

We liked 123 Magic. I also highly recommend a big stash of limes and tequila.

[brittone2]

We liked 123 Magic. I also highly recommend a big stash of limes and tequila.
Tonight dealing with my toddler involves Goslings Rum. Sadly could not find Reed's or Gosling's ginger beer in my area for the much coveted foray into Dark and Stormies. I think Dh picked up limes tonight (and recently picked up goooood tequila for me in Mexico) so that might be the post bedtime drink of choice :D