HELP me with consequences

[ray7694]

My strong willed 4 year old has turned a corner in the last month and is a nightmare. She doesn't want to leave my side and cries when I leave. She has been in daycare her whole life so this is new. She refused to participate in activities she is initally excited about like swim lesson, gymnastics. I am not going to sign her up for anything else.

If she doesn't get her way when we are out in public she screams so loud and today hit me very hard in front of the whole playgroup.

She will also sceam the whole car ride is she is upset.

I warn her that if she doesn't stop she will not be playing with any friends when we get home and she will lose a prized possession.

But doesn't seem this is working and I am worried about the hitting.

Any suggestions?

[brittone2]

At that age, I think it is important to keep the consequence related to the initial situation to have the most impact.

If my kids fight or scream in the car, I pull over. And sit. Not always fun, or practical, but they get one warning that it is going to happen, and then we pull over and sit, until everyone knocks it off. Pick a time to do this initially when you have the time to enforce it. I would also discuss in advance appropriate car behavior and why it is important. I've explained that operating a car is dangerous to yourself and other people if you are distracted, etc. in kid terms. I get that it is a massive inconvenience, but waiting her out a few times may have a big impact.

Ditto in public. I would set the expectation for store behavior. I remind my kids that in a store, there are other shoppers. We aren't the only people. It is rude to block aisles, it isn't safe to run, etc. On the rare occasion they've run down an aisle, I ask them if they'd like to walk to the manager and have the manager explain why that's dangerous. If she can't follow store behavior, I'd move out to the car and sit there. Again, no one wants to do that, but doing it 1-2 times when you can swing it will probably have an impact.

In terms of lessons, I think that's fairly typical for a 4 yo. I tend to wait until my kids are a little older to do certain activities, or decide up front if I'm willing to eat the cost if it doesn't work out. DD started ballet at 4, but we went to multiple summer drop in classes first, so I could gauge her commitment. I absolutely believe in committing to something and following through with that commitment to a team, etc. BUT with very young kids with no real sense of time, I think it is unfair to expect them to commit long term to a multi-week or multi-month activity, when they don't exactly know or understand the length of time they are committing to. So my expectation on that is different for an 8 yo vs. a 4 yo, kwim? (eta: I get that some people consider swim lessons and so forth non negotiable; that's one of those things that varies from family to family.)

Has anything changed at home or daycare? New staff, a recent move, stress at home for other reasons? "Mean girl" preschool bullying behavior? Kids sometimes are more tuned into fairly subtle stressors than we realize.

I would also look at the fundamentals...is she getting enough sleep? Did she drop a nap recently? When you are having the events out in public, is she overtired, overstimulated (too many people at playgroup?), hungry, thirsty? Did we stay too long and she needs time to recuperate/reset her brain a bit with some quiet time? I've found those things to often be the case with my kids when behavior is atypical or escalates to a point they don't usually reach. DD had a rough spot around 4 where her behavior noticeably deteriorated around 3-4 pm, or if she was hungry. Like a night and day difference. DH was even better about recognizing it for what it was, and getting her a snack or something to eat. When she needed food, it came out in her behavior. Getting sucked into a power struggle doesn't really matter if the underlying need isn't being met in the first place.

I would not say it punitively, but would tell her that playgroup isn't going well and you are taking a break for now. That break might be a week or two, or it might be longer.

As an introvert, group settings tire me out and I need to go home and recover :) I'm not shy, but it is draining for me. Kids aren't going to say things like that; you are going to see it come out in behavior. Ditto being hungry, overtired, bored, overstimulated...

eta: maybe try the book Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles?

edited again: I'd reflect feelings and so forth if she's upset, but tell her screaming while you are driving is unacceptable. Does it happen on the way home from daycare or at times when she's probably maxed out and overtired?

[roseyloxs]

:yeahthat: I would try and make the consequences more immediate and connected then threats about prized possessions and playdates. I am going to guess she is going through a hormonal change if nothing obvious is bringing on this sudden change in behavior. She will probably naturally settle back down in 3-6 months. Until then I would try to be as understanding as possible about her feelings but be firm about what behavior is unacceptable. Its also important to let her know how she can let out her frustrations. She can't always get what she wants so she needs to be taught how to react in those times. You can teach her that its okay to be upset and cry but screaming and hitting is not.

Also don't expect a change overnight. It will take many, many reminders and examples. Also it couldn't hurt if you show her how you react when something makes you mad. "I am so mad I could scream but I am not going to do that, I think I'll draw an angry picture instead."