Long & ramble, advice please re: 3 yo dd "exploring"

[tabegle]

This is a long one...

A few months ago, a kid in my dd's daycare pulled his pants down. Not a big deal. They are 3 year olds. My daughter decided to touch him. Okay, that warrants a discussion about touching others' private parts and nudity. We continually talk about it, but it certainly is not the center of all our discussions.

On Friday, DH and I went to pick the kids up from daycare together. As we were walking in the door, the director was being told of my dd pulling her pants down on the play ground. 2nd incident at school in a matter of about 3 months.

I go to get DD, DH went to get DS from his classroom. DD is crying, and a teacher is trying to console her. I try and ask a few questions, but 1) that teacher didn't see anything and 2) you really can't trust what the kids say. DD won't say anything. We go home and get a call from the director. She was told that DD suggested playing dress up and for everyone to pull their pants down.

Okay, again with the not putting too much stock into who said what for the 3yo crowd, but I can kinda get the premise under which kids were getting naked. (my dd and another boy)

We get home, and I try to talk to dd about what happened. Why were you crying? Did you get hurt? Did someone touch you? are you embarrassed? All she answered was that she was embarrassed. She knows she should not pull her pants down. It may or may not have been her pulling her own pants down (little red flag in my head). Asking her questions, I see that I can lead her down the road to say whatever I want her to say. We stop, and then talk about when its okay to take your clothes off and that no one should ever touch her private parts. (exclusion being help wiping after #2 or if Dr is examining her.) We practiced saying "No, that's a private area. I'm going to tell mommy/daddy/teacher/other grownup."

Now, the daycare just called and wants to have a meeting with me and DH. They apparently questioned dd and have something to say about our neighbor and question if DD has ever been left alone with him (he's 5, I'll call hid D). Ugh, okay, I totally understand them needing to cover all their bases, but I honestly believe there is nothing more going on that normal exploration. My dd has never been left alone with D (not even with just D and his parents.) The only people that have ever watched DD are me, DH, and daycare. (The few times we had a babysitter, it was an employee from daycare).

This is NORMAL behavior. I understand the daycare needing to check everything out, but 1) don't ask leading questions of my 3 yo DD. 2) Ask her questions without a parent? 3) put some kind of 'tarnish' on my neighbor kid without even knowing the home situation?

I have really liked this daycare. They normally seem pretty reasonable, but I'm getting defensive and I feel I need to prepare for this "meeting." 3 yo exploration is normal. DD co-bathes with DS (he just turned 2) sometimes and use that as another "don't touch" lesson. There is nothing wrong going on at home. Why is this happening at school?

okay, if you're still with me, thanks for reading all this! Any advise or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated!

[lalasmama]

They are 3! They know they are told to not do something. They are 3! It's their job to do exactly what you tell them NOT to do! And, let's be fair, as a girl, weren't many of us somewhat curious about the little dangly things boys have when we first saw it?? I remember poking at my cousin many times during co-ed baths in preschool, because he just looked sooo different from me! LOL (Of note, again, we were the same age within months, and it was in the bath, and there was no abuse of power situation; in other words, a normal exploration experience, IMO.)

For me, the biggest issue I would have is that they questioned my child about it, again, after I had "dealt" with it. In other words, for me, if they hand the situation off to me, then they shouldn't take it back the next day, the next week, etc., ESPECIALLY about something like this... and ESPECIALLY when they have no idea what they are doing. It's not like they asked for an abuse assessment and/or brought an abuse assessment professional in to question your child. So, they took it upon themselves to re-question DD, who, I assume, knows not to show private parts anymore because you took care of it when you got home.

Think about when we ask a 3 year old if they cleaned their room. They say yes. We ask if they are sure. They say no and run back to their room. Now, change "cleaned their room" with "touched private parts". Ask the same question 2 or 3 times, and you will get 2 or 3 answers, just like with ANY question from someone in that age group. ... So, DD's been asked by you, and now daycare is starting in too, and she probably will change her answer multiple times because she can't figure out what she's supposed to say to please the adults!

DD is 8yo, and can still be easily manipulated with leading questions. She may waver for a quick moment, but then she will follow (generally) the lead of the adult she's talking to.

[almostmom]

I stay stick with your instinct, that this is normal behavior. But also walk into the meeting being glad that you have a daycare that takes these issues, and the possibility that DD was in an inappropriate situation with the neighbor, seriously. At this point, they don't know all the details. I'd much prefer a provider that went too far this way than one who blew it off. They are just doing what they are trained to do, and what they are required to do, really.

I don't think you have anything to worry about, but it might be helpful to be on the same page with the DCP, and be using the same language about it and all.

Take a deep breath, and be glad there isn't something more serious going on!

[wendmatt]

I stay stick with your instinct, that this is normal behavior. But also walk into the meeting being glad that you have a daycare that takes these issues, and the possibility that DD was in an inappropriate situation with the neighbor, seriously. At this point, they don't know all the details. I'd much prefer a provider that went too far this way than one who blew it off. They are just doing what they are trained to do, and what they are required to do, really.

I don't think you have anything to worry about, but it might be helpful to be on the same page with the DCP, and be using the same language about it and all.

Take a deep breath, and be glad there isn't something more serious going on!

I agree, plus it's the law that any suspicions must be followed up on. Good luck, how stressful.

[maylips]

I stay stick with your instinct, that this is normal behavior. But also walk into the meeting being glad that you have a daycare that takes these issues, and the possibility that DD was in an inappropriate situation with the neighbor, seriously. At this point, they don't know all the details. I'd much prefer a provider that went too far this way than one who blew it off. They are just doing what they are trained to do, and what they are required to do, really.

I don't think you have anything to worry about, but it might be helpful to be on the same page with the DCP, and be using the same language about it and all.

Take a deep breath, and be glad there isn't something more serious going on!

After I read your post, I was as mad as you were (or as defensive, I guess.) But then, after reading what other posters were saying, they do make sense. I mean, age difference aside, this is partly why the Penn State scandal is so horrific - no one did anything when they should have. I'm sure your daycare center is very aware of what would happen to their reputation if they ignored any slight experience and later it was discovered that something HAD happened and they didn't do anything about it when they had the chance.

I would just walk into the meeting with those questions you have, which are very legitimate, but also with the mindset that they are doing everything they need to do to make sure the kids in their care are as safe as possible.

I think so many situations happen when kids are led into answers and many lives have been ruined as a result. OTOH, so many other lives have been ruined when adults blow off a situation that was truly an issue. It's very difficult to know where to draw the line.

[tabegle]

Thanks you guys. And especially Almostmom. This really helps.

Your words ring very true. It helps to have another perspective. They are after my daughter's best interest. This has helped me have a better attitude going into the meeting.

:hug5:

[llama8]

Although it is tough not to be defensive and it is probably just normal 3 yo behavior, I believe they have a legal obligation to report or investigate anything of that nature. I believe they want to discuss it with you to hopefully realize that nothing is going on and child protective services does not need to be contacted. I am sure they have your daughter's best interests at heart.

[misshollygolightly]

I agree with the other posters--daycare is fulfilling their legal and ethical responsibilities, and as a parent I would try to see this as a reassuring sign that they take my child's welfare seriously. Also, you don't yet know exactly what issues they plan to address at the meeting or how, so I'd try to go with an open mind. Even if this is normal, developmentally-typical exploration (and I agree with you that it seems to be), it needs to stop happening at daycare, and it's the daycare's responsibility to communicate with everyone involved and reach a solution. Yes, it may be normal behavior, but it can't keep happening at daycare. That isn't a judgment against your daughter, neighbor boy, or any of the families involved--it's just a fact. Who knows...it may be that there *are* some complicating factors about the neighbor boy that daycare needs to give you a heads up about (could be something as simple as that he has a hard time understanding personal boundaries, or maybe that the touching/showing private parts is something he's been doing frequently). Regardless, try to focus on the fact that daycare seems to be being proactive about this, and that they're doing a good job of keeping the lines of communication open. Here's hoping the meeting goes smoothly :hug:

[tabegle]

Just thought I'd update everyone. DH and I had our meeting with DCP yesterday, and really, the only concern was the neighbor boy. After I explained that DD has never been with neighbor without me or DH present, and that DD and neighbor boy were playing together more in the past 2 weeks, all was well.

It really did help going in with an attitude that DCP is there looking out for my kids.

Thanks everyone!

[misshollygolightly]

I'm so glad everything went smoothly and you left feeling more reassured! Thanks for the update.