Moms of 3 or more kiddos...how do you make bedtime less chaotic and "dreadful"?

[jerseygirl07067]

I ask because this is seriously the worst time of day for our family. My 3 DDs are 8, 7, and 3, so obviously we're a bit outnumbered. The 8 y/o can read independently, the 7 y/o some help mostly to stay focused to distractibility issues and the our 3 y/o throws a bit if she's not read to. From start to finish, the whole routine takes forever, and way too long imo. It's hard because I try to encourage at least 20 mins of reading a night, which the school highly emphasizes as well.

I feel like the bedtime honestly, sucks. There is so much yelling that goes on to get everyone to do what they need to do. We generally follow the same order and routine, but there is so much resistance, goofing off, clowning around by the kids, it is very stressful. And of course it's the end of the day when I just want me time, so I am about ready to, or often snap.

Honestly to get the job done, I have turned into a drill sargeant and have to micromanage the kids once I tell them to start brushing their teeth, putting their towels back in the bathroom, or it just doesn't get done. I have threated taking away things, and have followed through, but sometimes to no avail.

I need help before I slit my wrists, honestly!

[Simon]

My kids are younger so I'm not sure this will be as helpful, but I find that whenever bedtime gets too long, we have to move reading out of the bedtime routine. At least temporarily, we move reading to mornings, after school, or right after dinner (one parent heads to the kitchen, the other reads). We also sometimes read to the kids during dinner and eat together later. Currently we are able to read at bedtime but only because the kids get right into pjs after dinner. As in, leave the table and head upstairs to start getting ready. If I don't do this, Dh lets them play and then they get distracted and the whole process drags on and they aren't going to sleep until 8:49/9pm vs. 7:45.

Another idea is to have audiobooks for Dd2 or Dd3. When Ds1 is gets on a roll of talking but not getting ready, we bring out an MP3 player. He can go about his routine (toileting, teeth brushed, pjs on, dirty clothes away) without talking constantly or interrupting what we are doing with his younger brothers.

[KpbS]

We've had to start staggering them. I've got 3 too and when I just had 2 it was much more manageable and we would get them ready at the same time. So now I start with my 2 younger ones and leave the older to start getting ready after my middle has finished his time in the bathroom and changing. So start with the middle/youngest and change into pajamas, brush teeth, and read devotions/stories. Then the oldest starts to change into jammies, brush, etc. We don't bathe every night and sometimes we do baths before dinner or right after (esp if DH is out of town--I need all the help I can get at actual bedtime.) DS2 has learned to wait a bit while I finish things up with DD and then I come back to him and finish his routine. Sometimes I reward him with an extra story if he had to wait extra time. My oldest uses his time (before getting ready for bed) for an independent activity like reading, legos, etc. and that keeps him occupied and out of the rooms of DS2 and DD.

[brittone2]

With my DS1, I tell him he has until 8:30 or 9 (depending on time of year, etc.) to read. I don't take reading time away per se, but I will tell him the faster he gets finished, the more reading time he has. We start at a time where if he doesn't dawdle, he gets a good half hour or more. If he's messing around, then he's naturally losing reading time. That's a powerful motivator for him ;) He gets 2 hours of reading time in the afternoon most days though so I don't feel too badly if he only ends up with 10 mins at night because he was not quick about getting ready for bed.

DD (5.5) usually is pretty quick.

DS2 responds best if we start before he's overtired. He also does well with more playfulness vs. getting into a battle of the wills. Playful takes time, but when he gets into toddler freak out mode, it takes even longer, so we opt to invest the time in trying to keep it playful when we can. (eta: DH does things like giving him a piggy back ride up the stairs. Instead of saying, "time to go up and brush teeth," which leads to toddler "I don't want to" comments, whining, feet dragging, etc. it works better for us to say "time to get a piggy back ride up the steps...hurry up." That kind of thing helps move things along a bit with DS2.

When DH is traveling for work, I start bedtime waaaay early. Like an hour or more before their real bedtime. If we finish early, they all get extra reading time in mommy and daddy's big bed.

All of that said, yes, it can be exhausting and some nights I wish the bedtime fairy would appear and do it all ;)

(eta: my kids do not get a bath/shower every day. It is usually 2-3x a week depending on what else is going on, sports participation, running around on a hot day, sunscreen, etc. I aim for one of those to be on a weekend. Since we HS, I sometimes have them do bath/shower time in the late afternoon before dinner because that speeds up the bedtime routine considerably).

[liz]

oh man, same craziness here too. Sometimes it's like the behavior just ramps up instead of calming down. I find it's tougher in the summertime because we are usually outside playing until the last minute before we realize "holy cow it's almost 8pm!". Then DH and I are rushing to get everyone going at the same time and of course what should take 10 minutes takes twice as long. By the time everyone is done DH and I are usually aggravated and that's a lousy feeling. Things are usually better during the school year.

Anyway, you asked how to help and the only thing that seems to work for us is being consistent with a routine. Starting at a certain time ("oh, it's 7pm time to get ready for bed") and then splitting kids up - have someone in the bathroom while the other child is in the bedroom getting changed. We usually allow some downtime such as story time, computer time or tv which sadly is a huge motivator :shy:. After that they usually get to bed reasonably well.

[mikeys_mom]

I've got 4 kids - DS is almost 8, DD1 is 5.5 and twins are 3.5. No TV or screen time until baths/showers are done. Bathing is done right after supper and kids put on PJ's. This way when I'm ready to start bedtime, all I need to deal with is getting them to bed.

I make sure the TV or computer is off a good half hour before I want to start bedtime. We find the kids are calmer if TV isn't right before bed. For me the key is staggering bedtimes. The twins are a handful so it's easier to let DS and DD1 do their own thing for a bit while I deal with the twins. DS is usually happy to read or play on his own. DD1 often listens while I read to the twins. We read 1 story per kid and I'm pretty strict about that or bedtime would drag on forever.

Once the twins are done with their routine, I get DS and DD1 to brush their teeth and pee. DS then goes to read in his room. I read to DD1. Sometimes DS will listen while I read to DD1. I lie down with DD1 for a few minutes, then move on to DS. The twins often pop in and out of their room and I just keep taking them back to bed while trying to remain calm. If they get really crazy, I put one of the childproof doorhandle things on the inside of their door for a few minutes. They usually gets them pretty upset and they will stay in bed afterwards.

I won't say it's easy or not tiring but much easier to not be dealing with all 4 at once. They key is getting the older 2 to understand that I need quiet while I'm dealing with the twins. It still takes a while but I find it much less stressful this way and I yell a lot less ;).

[cmo]

My kiddos are a bit older than yours (9,8,6) and here is what has helped us get a handle on bedtime:

They have to read 15-30 minutes per day for school. They do it shortly after they arrive home from school instead of at night. They get home, unpack, we talk a little about the day, and then they have 30-60 minutes of "quiet time" when they do their reading and can start on homework if they want (they usually don't). Any nighttime reading is just a bonus. One kids likes to stay up and read, the other 2 are too tired.

If it's shower night (every other night), they do that while I am cooking dinner. Yes, sometimes they spill on their pajamas, but I'll trade an extra pair in the hamper for focused time to get dinner ready any day!

Even when it's not shower night, they also have to pick out clothes for the next day and get their backpacks ready before dinner, or if that doesn't happen, before dessert and/or evening TV.

In a nutshell, move as much as you can from after dinner to before!

[jerseygirl07067]

Yes, I think we need to do that....move reading to after school, then if they want to read a bit more later, I don't feel pressure if we can't fit it in.

DH and I are night owls so our kids have always gone to bed on the later side. But I do feel that their late bedtime takes away a lot from DH and I having time, then of course I stay up until all hours of the night catching up on things and getting "me" time because they have gone to bed so late.

Times will be a changin' (gradually) in our household once school starts tomorrow. :)

[WatchingThemGrow]

Honestly, DH does a lot more of it than I do because I'm wiped at that point of the day. If both parents are helping, it goes a lot smoother.

[maestramommy]

I can't remember if you've ever mentioned this, but is your Dh part of this picture? Occasionally one of us has to do bedtime alone, but usually Dh and I do it together. We have a routine, and the kids know if they clown around too much they don't get to read. I know, there have been numerous posts on how terrible it is to take away reading as a consequence, but whatever. I'm worn out too by the end of the day, and I have even less tolerance for uncooperation by then.

We have found that bathing the kids separately makes a huge difference. We are lucky have 2 shower stations, but when we were on our road trip we had only one bathroom, so we showered the kids one at a time, whoever was done with shower was getting her teeth done, and the 3rd one was watching TV:p however, if we were doing that at home, the 3rd one would be "reading" to themselves until it was their turn, or until the last one was totally done.

Arwyn and Laurel are read to together. They get 3 books each, taking turns. Dora gets read to alone because she likes longer books now.

And yes, I can be a drill sergeant/border collie during bedtime, or any time I think it's necessary. I have noticed sometimes when Dh takes them alone there is a lot more chaos, and part of it is that he's just not used to being a drill sergeant. He just tries to manage mildly until he can't take it any longer and starts to yell:p. I nip chaos in the bud because I am with them all day, and his way would drive me nuts. My kidds are almost 7, 5, and 3. The younger two can be very distracted and keep getting sidetracked, so I'm constantly nipping at their heels. Otherwise bedtime would take forever. It's just a fact of life now.
:hug:

BTW, not sure if you mentioned this, but our routine is STRICT. It hasn't changed much, if at all in particulars since Dora was a baby. Summer, winter, fall, spring, they go to bed at the same time every day unless we're traveling or under some other unique circumstance. If we're really behind because of travel we do eschew reading altogether or limit everyone to one short book. But we tell them well in advance so it's not an unpleasant surprise. Otherwise the routine itself hasn't changed since Dora was a baby either.

[nfowife]

My youngest goes to bed earlier than the other 2. So at 6:45, I change her, put on sleep sack, read 2-3 board books, and in the crib with lights out at 7.

At around 7:15 on school nights, big kids clean up toys, brush teeth and pajamas on. Then they get in bed. The oldest might read for 15-20 minutes while I read with the youngest. Sometimes we read after school as part of homework time and then we just go right to bed. Depends on the day!

My kids are 7, 5, and almost 2.

[essnce629]

I only have two kids, but I sometimes have DS1 (9) take his shower and get his pajamas on while I'm making dinner. This keeps him from fighting with DS2 (3) and by the time he gets out of the shower dinner is usually ready. Then after dinner he can brush his teeth and get right in bed to start reading, while I do the whole bedtime routine with DS2.

[jerseygirl07067]

I can't remember if you've ever mentioned this, but is your Dh part of this picture? Occasionally one of us has to do bedtime alone, but usually Dh and I do it together. We have a routine, and the kids know if they clown around too much they don't get to read. I know, there have been numerous posts on how terrible it is to take away reading as a consequence, but whatever. I'm worn out too by the end of the day, and I have even less tolerance for uncooperation by then.



Yes, DH does help, actually more than I do many times! I will say that as much as I hate doing it myself, the nights I've done it on my own it has gone smoother as I am am the stricter one. They always get away with more from him!

And yes separating the girls is very helpful too!

[hellokitty]

My kids are the same ages as yours, except that they are boys, lol. Yes, I so understand the bedtime mayhem that you are referring too. For me, I start warning them after dinner that bedtime is 8pm. That means they are in BED at that time. We used to do storytime before bedtime as much as possible, but that just ended up being stressful. You know how it is, every kid wants a different book and some of the books aren't interesting to the other sibs, so then the ones who aren't interested are distracted and causing issues. Plus, there is the constant begging to read, "just one more book," and then things just get drawn out way longer than anticipated.

Anyway, about 15 min to bedtime, we hustle them upstairs to use the bathroom and brush their teeth. There is usually a lot of wrestling and running around from the kids. However, DH and I are pretty stern about decreasing the goofing off and getting to bed asap. Everyone gets kisses and hugs and then lights out. I find that doing storytime for my 3 yr old some other time of the day is better, and he has come to understand now, not to expect books at bedtime. My 7 yr old is still a beginner reader, so I usually have to sit with him while he reads. My 8 yr old is fine on his own, but he is nice about volunteering to read to his younger sibs sometimes. He rarely wants me to read to him, which is somewhat of a relief, since I have to already read two separate times with the younger two. When we used to do storytime before bedtime, the entire bedtime routine just dragged out for an eternity. It wasn't uncommon for DH to fall asleep while reading stories to the older kids while I was nursing DS3, lol. Thankfully, DS3 no longer nurses before bedtime, so it has made bedtime seem very quick compared to before.

Oh and we usually don't do showers right before bedtime. Usually, showers are right after dinner (or on weekends, in the afternoon before dinner), and then there is some down time (on non-martial arts nights) before bedtime. I find that they are usually too hyper to go from a shower, and then straight to bedtime. Oh and each one gets a bath/shower separately. The older boys are pretty independent now for the most part. We usually have the kids who aren't getting a shower, cleaning the playroom.

[daniele_ut]

My youngest goes to bed earlier than the other 2. So at 6:45, I change her, put on sleep sack, read 2-3 board books, and in the crib with lights out at 7.

At around 7:15 on school nights, big kids clean up toys, brush teeth and pajamas on. Then they get in bed. The oldest might read for 15-20 minutes while I read with the youngest. Sometimes we read after school as part of homework time and then we just go right to bed. Depends on the day!

My kids are 7, 5, and almost 2.

This is basically what we do. Mine are 7, 4 and 8 months. 8 month old goes down around 7:30 while the big kids are putting on pajamas and brushing their teeth. My oldest reads for 20 minutes or so while I read to the 4 year old. Lights out by 8pm. It used to be 7:30 before the little one came along, but I have to stagger it or all hell breaks loose. I do bedtime on my own at least 3 nights a week.

[California]

We wrestled around with this for a while and just recently came up with a routine that works for us. DH and I split this up so that helps. My kids like to read in the "big bed" so we end with snuggle time:

After dinner:
- no TV, it just winds them up. Instead they play for a while
- (when I remember) play relaxing music and the kids turn on the battery operated candles :-) and a scentsy nightlight - the only downside is sometimes we get the house so mellow my DH falls asleep on the couch!
- teeth brushed (3 year old can pick whatever silly song she likes)
- PJs on
- potty time

Then they can each pick out a story and climb into our bed-
- first our oldest reads the book he chose to the other two, then I read the books our younger two picked out
- quiet 20 minutes self-reading in their own beds (3 year old looks at pictures in her chosen book while I - or DH- scratch her back)

During the school year the lights are turned off at a set time. So if they mess around, they miss out on reading/snuggling. They tested us on this and we had to hold our ground on it, but now they are pretty much into the routine. The older two still get up now and then and tell us they are hungry. Or they can't go to sleep. We try to be as boring as possible and send them back to bed.

Summers we have time for the older two to do baths in the evenings because they stay up a lot later. Bathtime= playtime and doesn't make them sleepy. School year they shower every other morning. My youngest will fall asleep after a bath, so sometimes she gets one. Depends on how it's going with the other two.

That is our routine- hope it gives you some ideas, mixed in with PP's and your own inspirations to come up with a plan that works!