How to teach responsibility over one's things?

[alien_host]

So DD is 7. She is constantly misplacing her things around the house. She rarely loses things outside of the house. For example, she recently got a pair of INexpensive clip on earrings. I've told her a million times that if she is not wearing them, she needs to put them in her jewlery box. She often finds they "pinch" so she takes them off and puts them on the coffee table or where ever. She constantly is asking me where they are. I've been trying to remind her that she needs to keep track of her own things and that I told her the jewlery box would be the safest place.

She then may get upset about not knowing where they are. Honestly, I'm getting worn down by it. She can go on FOREVER about it. "I can't find them, please help me." "I don't know where they are". etc. I'm tired of hearing it.

Any ideas on how to help her be more responsible about her things besides the constant reminder "that you need to take responsibilty for your things."? ;)

TIA!

[anonomom]

We have the same problem -- I must say at least once a day "if you treat your things like garbage, they will become garbage."

I am mean. If DD loses something, she is responsible for finding it. I will not help, nor will I tolerate her asking/whining about it. And if she can't find the item (and considering that "looking" for her means standing in the middle of the room and glancing around for half a second, that's usually the case), she's out of luck. She has to do without until it turns up.

In all honesty, I can't say any of this has made her more responsible, but it has greatly diminished my stress level over her carelessness.

[twowhat?]

No advice, but subscribing:) DD1 is only (almost) 4 but CONSTANTLY misplaces things and never remembers where she puts things, then throws tantrums when she can't find them...and at this age I wouldn't be against helping her look but the problem is that *I* can't find them either! So we've resorted to the "you need to be responsible for your own things" but oh, does it suck when you have a screaming preschooler who wants that piece of crap plastic toy she got from a party and she (and I) have absolutely no idea where it is. Meanwhile, DD2 (who never forgets where she has left something) prances around with the identical piece of crap plastic toy from the same party which really just makes DD1 cry harder. Fun, fun, fun.

[Moneypenny]

DD is 8 and we have similar issues. I will help her look for things within reason (mostly because DH and I sometimes misplace things, too, and we like to demonstrate that we chip in to help each other out), but I won't spend hours looking for things each day. Mostly I'll try to lead her to it by asking where she last remembered having them and suggesting a couple of places she has been known to leave things in the past.

When she can't find the item, however, it's basically too bad. If you don't keep track of your things, you don't have them any more.

[cvanbrunt]

I am mean. If DD loses something, she is responsible for finding it. I will not help, nor will I tolerate her asking/whining about it. And if she can't find the item (and considering that "looking" for her means standing in the middle of the room and glancing around for half a second, that's usually the case), she's out of luck. She has to do without until it turns up.

In all honesty, I can't say any of this has made her more responsible, but it has greatly diminished my stress level over her carelessness.

If that's mean, add me to list. Nothing has changed yet but I'm hopeful the lesson will eventually sink in.

[brittone2]

I think some of it is experience in losing an item and not having it quickly replaced by mom and dad. The earrings at that age might be a good example of that...they aren't essential like eyeglasses or something like that. If she misplaces them, at her age, I'd let her experience the consequence after the gentle reminders you've already provided. If they are lost, she'll have to deal with the natural consequence and learn from it, or repeat it a few more times to learn the lesson. Maybe she'll want to replace them, and I'd let that come out of her allowance if she gets one.

Some of it is IMO also innate...my DS1 has always been the type of kid who takes care of his things, is very meticulous about his electronics like his digital camera, etc. He puts his sunglasses in a certain spot and so forth. He's better about a lot of that than I am ;) DH and I are pretty strict about the whole...you leave it out and it gets lost, it is your problem. Within reason, and at the right age, but they know we're not going to scramble and make our lives a living hell to find a misplaced item. DS1 has grown up hearing "your crisis is not my crisis" on stuff like that. (eta: Both DS1 and DD have also learned the hard way that if certain things are left out, DS2 may damage them. I obviously would not allow DS2 to just destroy their stuff if I am aware of it, but that's something that does happen at times, and it is a good reminder that some things need to be returned to their rooms, etc where DS2 cannot get them.

[alien_host]

I'm glad I'm not alone! Sometimes I help, sometimes I say "well where did you use it last?"...I'm still tired of it though! I have to admit, I'm a "misplacer" myself, which doesn't help really. ;)

And YES the glancing around the room drives me nuts! She asked me about her earrings about 3 hours ago. I quickly looked in the usual places while she was distracted. They have not turned up, but at least she has forgotten about it for now!

I still wish there was a way to sink in to her that she needs to keep better track of her stuff!

[alien_host]

Some of it is IMO also innate...my DS1 has always been the type of kid who takes care of his things, is very meticulous about his electronics like his digital camera, etc. He puts his sunglasses in a certain spot and so forth. He's better about a lot of that than I am ;) DH and I are pretty strict about the whole...you leave it out and it gets lost, it is your problem. Within reason, and at the right age, but they know we're not going to scramble and make our lives a living hell to find a misplaced item. DS1 has grown up hearing "your crisis is not my crisis" on stuff like that. (eta: Both DS1 and DD have also learned the hard way that if certain things are left out, DS2 may damage them. I obviously would not allow DS2 to just destroy their stuff if I am aware of it, but that's something that does happen at times, and it is a good reminder that some things need to be returned to their rooms, etc where DS2 cannot get them.


The innate thing is likely true, I am a misplacer and DH is more organized. Sadly she has learned bad habits from me!

[daisysmom]

I had to laugh... I am the one constantly losing things or not remembering where I left things like my keys, purse, papers needed for school, cellphone, etc and my 5 year old has a incredible memory for remembering where she has seen my things. So she saves me many times! I am sure she will enter a phase where she misplaces her own knick knacks but until then, I depend on her to help me!

[brittone2]

I had to laugh... I am the one constantly losing things or not remembering where I left things like my keys, purse, papers needed for school, cellphone, etc and my 5 year old has a incredible memory for remembering where she has seen my things. So she saves me many times! I am sure she will enter a phase where she misplaces her own knick knacks but until then, I depend on her to help me!
Yeah, my DS1 has bailed me out more than once :rotflmao:

[Momit]

DS is always helping DH find his (DH's) slippers, coffee mug, phone etc. Still, he does misplace his own things often. We focus mainly on natural consequences - if you don't remember where you left your Crocs (favorite shoes) and it's time to go, you need to wear different shoes and find your Crocs later. I do help him look sometimes, just like he helps us, or prompt him to think about where he last saw or used it. Seems like the consequence of not having the item is working better than endless lectures or mom bailing him out and finding things right away.

[karstmama]

i agree that she (or anyone, of course) needs to be responsible for her stuff. i'm only offering this as a thought, not a criticism at all.

any chance that for her, the 'home' for some items is too far away, or hard to get to, or the box is tough to open, or anything like that? for instance, i used to try to be sooo organized in grade school with trapper keepers & a file for each subject, but it was too complicated so i just shoved papers randomly. i'd have been better off with a much simpler system. so i wonder if you & dd did a 'stuff slim down' and made sure everything had a home that was easy to get to and things that didn't get home had one certain box in the living room to be put into or they had to go in 'thing time out', if that could help.

if you don't think it would, feel free to ignore! i'm just thinking that her earrings pinch but she's busy watching tv or whatever, so instead of putting them up in the jewelry box or up in a temporary home in the living room, she's just dumping them.

[anamika]

I had to laugh... I am the one constantly losing things or not remembering where I left things like my keys, purse, papers needed for school, cellphone, etc and my 5 year old has a incredible memory for remembering where she has seen my things. So she saves me many times! I am sure she will enter a phase where she misplaces her own knick knacks but until then, I depend on her to help me!

It's the standing joke in my house. DH and DD make a game of it and they play detectives. DD has a little notebook where she writes down clues and stuff - so cute! and they usually do a good job finding it!

[alien_host]

i agree that she (or anyone, of course) needs to be responsible for her stuff. i'm only offering this as a thought, not a criticism at all.

any chance that for her, the 'home' for some items is too far away, or hard to get to, or the box is tough to open, or anything like that? for instance, i used to try to be sooo organized in grade school with trapper keepers & a file for each subject, but it was too complicated so i just shoved papers randomly. i'd have been better off with a much simpler system. so i wonder if you & dd did a 'stuff slim down' and made sure everything had a home that was easy to get to and things that didn't get home had one certain box in the living room to be put into or they had to go in 'thing time out', if that could help.

if you don't think it would, feel free to ignore! i'm just thinking that her earrings pinch but she's busy watching tv or whatever, so instead of putting them up in the jewelry box or up in a temporary home in the living room, she's just dumping them.

I think you are on to something with the earrings. She actually received a second jewelry box which I will put in the living room to help.

Although she also misplaces other stuff too. I don't replace stuff that is missing/lost. I also am a horrible example as I misplace my keys all the time. I also leave my own rings on the kitchen counter so I guess I am not setting the right example (although I do search for my own missing stuff).

See this thread is helping me!