Marriage commitment

[mackmama]

How do you define your commitment to your marriage?

For example-

Married forever no matter what?

Married unless something in particular occurs like infidelty, etc (and is that particular something a real concern or just a basic belief)?

Married forever unless you're unhappy?

Just curious after a convo with some friends today.

[ha98ed14]

Married unless something particular occurs. For me, that would be infidelity and/or domestic violence.

I will follow that up with a BIG "You never know what you will do until you are in the situation yourself." x 1000... It's easy to draw a line in the sand when there is no one on the other side of it. But in theory, infidelity and/or domestic violence.

[crl]

Married unless something particular occurs. For me, that would be infidelity and/or domestic violence.

I will follow that up with a BIG "You never know what you will do until you are in the situation yourself." x 1000... It's easy to draw a line in the sand when there is no one on the other side of it. But in theory, infidelity and/or domestic violence.

:yeahthat:

I would also add that if there were serious problems short of domestic violence and my spouse was unwilling to work to improve things, I would consider divorce.

But, as the PPer says, you never know for sure until you are in a situation.

Catherine

[Nooknookmom]

Married unless something particular occurs. For me, that would be infidelity and/or domestic violence.

I will follow that up with a BIG "You never know what you will do until you are in the situation yourself." x 1000... It's easy to draw a line in the sand when there is no one on the other side of it. But in theory, infidelity and/or domestic violence.

Ditto - well said.

[kozachka]

Another "Married unless something in particular occurs". For me that would be domestic violence, ongoing substance abuse and not willing to get help, and similar. I would not include infidelity in this list, unless it were a long-term affair, although if you were to ask me when I were younger, I'd give you a completely different answer.

I have recently read a psychology article titled Are You With the Right Mate? (http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201112/are-you-the-right-mate)and apparently sooner or later, there comes a moment in *all* relationships when you lie in bed, roll over, look at the person next to you and think it's all a dreadful mistake. Interestingly, the author calls our several types (http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201201/yes-virginia-some-mates-really-are-wrong)of mates that are truly wrong for you.

[lhafer]

I'm not sure. We've been through good times and [very] bad times, we've been richer and [very very] poorer. We haven't had to deal with sickness yet, but me being a nurse - pretty sure that won't scare me off. So it's probably literally til death do us part at this point.

When we went through some really really rough times a couple of years ago - I was so hurt and offended and heartbroken. But underneath it all, I really didn't want to let go of the 14 years we had already been together and over a decade of marriage. When things had been 95% great. I didn't want to let this one thing that happened ruin all of the other good that we had. But I can say, if anything were to happen again - I would not get over it.

[ourbabygirl]

Agreeing with PP that in theory it would be 'til death do us part.'
Realistically, if there were infidelity, abuse of some sort (mental/ physical/ him hurting our kids), or some sort of chemical dependency that he had that changed him so drastically that I could barely recognize him and he wouldn't get help and things were falling apart at home, etc., then that might be a deal-breaker, too.
Hoping none of the above happen, and that we can stay close and not grow apart, which I believe kills a lot of marriages.
We're coming up on 8 years, and marriage before kids was a breeze. Bringing the kids into the equation made things much more stressful, and I can see how people, especially when they have *young* kids, end up divorced. :( I can't see how people with young kids have the time or energy for an affair, though!

[FTMLuc]

Another "Married unless something in particular occurs". For me that would be domestic violence, ongoing substance abuse and not willing to get help, and similar. I would not include infidelity in this list, unless it were a long-term affair, although if you were to ask me when I were younger, I'd give you a completely different answer.

This exactly

[wendibird22]

Forever unless something major comes into play. Like other PPs, that's be serious infidelity, abuse against me or the children, abandonment, etc.

My mom is a "till death do us part" woman. She and my dad have been married 43 years and separated and living apart the last 12 of those. Empty nest syndrome got the best of them (realizing you forgot what you loved in the other person because you had been so caught up in raising kids), but she refuses to file for divorce and since my dad stands to lose the most (he's the bread winner) he has no motivation to divorce either. Their life, their choice, but so not the life I'd want for myself.

[hellokitty]

Agree with most of the pp.

A few things off the top of my head that would be grounds for divorce (for me personally) would be:

-Adultery
-Abuse
-Toxic addiction (ie: spouse gambles away all of our $, addicted to drugs/alcohol, refuses to seek help, etc.), I have known ppl who tried to stick through their spouse through these issues and even though they are still married, it has ruined their marriage. If the person addicted doesn't want to help themselves, all they do is drag down their spouse and family with them. I consider that unhealthy.
-Abandonment

[BabyBearsMom]

Forever unless I thought my children or I were in danger or I was so unhappy that it wasn't good for me or my children. I think that even if my DH had a one night stand, I would still forgive him. Prolonged adultry might be harder. Abuse would be an immediate boot out the door. Or some kind of addiction for which he refused to get treatment. But in all reality, I can't picture my DH doing any of those things in a million years, so it seems silly to even list them out.

[gatorsmom]

We have had a lot of ups and downs in our 15 years together. Infidelity when we were engaged, dealing with alcoholism, him buying a company, me burying my parents, 4 kids, TWINS, moving 4 times, etc. It feels like we are in this no matter what and sometimes I think I could even get over his having a one-night stand. But I'm not sure. So my answer is somewhere between the first 2 options.

[dogmom]

Well, to inject a certain amount of humor into a serious subject, having been divorced once without kids I have made it clear to my husband I won't be doing that again. I will just kill him. I promised him that it will be painless.

Seriously, I think it's hard to determine ahead of time the limits, because it can vary depending on place you are in your life.

[sntm]

Agree with dogmom. You don't know until you get in that situation. With my marriage, I refused to consider a prenup (big mistake) and changed my name professionally (also a mistake) because I planned until death. Then I became extraordinarily unhappy in my marriage. Not a phase, it went on for about 2 years. I realized I was unlikely ever to be happy being married to XH again. Divorce was awful but I found SO and am much happier. Even the hard newborn time feels different with him. I am so glad I didn't stay in my first marriage and condemn myself to a lifetime of quiet desperation just out of principle.

[Twoboos]

It's definitely hard to say. Planning on forever, unless something major occurs. But one of my "unless something major occurs" DID in fact happen, and we have been working through it.

It's not like anyone goes into marriage planning on divorcing. But I can see how things that aren't even considered major - time passing/drifting apart/kid stress/family issues/etc. - can push you in that direction.

[Ceepa]

We're in it together to the bitter end. ;)

[elektra]

I think I am somewhere between married unless something big happens and married unless I am unhappy.

I remember when a friend of mine was going through her pre-cana classes, in I guess an attempt to illustrate what the covenant of marriage "really" meant, the priest told her that even if her husband was molesting her kids, she still needed to stay married to him.
At that point in my own head I remember thinking, "ok if that ever happens in my own marriage, my vows are out the window, I am taking my kids and leaving!"

So yeah, something big like that is a deal breaker.

And while I think "married unless I am unhappy" sounds like something a rich celebrity would say- someone who has the means to leave even when the going gets tough and who maybe doesn't really respect the institution of marriage, I still think that life is short and even if there are no "huge issues" in a marriage, there comes a point where say if you are having year after year of constant unhappiness with your spouse, it is ok to end things.

However, I also don't think infidelity is an absolute deal breaker. It is so common and I think it can happen to good people and in many cases I think a marriage can and should be able to survive it.
Personally, I am in it for the long haul and I would have to be REALLY unhappy to actually call it quits.
All in all, I agree with the overall sentiment that you really don't know what you will do unless it's happening to you.

[wellyes]

I remember when a friend of mine was going through her pre-cana classes, in I guess an attempt to illustrate what the covenant of marriage "really" meant, the priest told her that even if her husband was molesting her kids, she still needed to stay married to him.
At that point in my own head I remember thinking, "ok if that ever happens in my own marriage, my vows are out the window, I am taking my kids and leaving!"

So yeah, something big like that is a deal breaker

Yikes. I knew the church didn't permit annulment or divorce for spousal abuse or rape, but I didn't realize incest was not grounds either.

Marriage for me won't be interrupted if we get poor, or really bored, or really fat, or really sick. Unless perhaps the kind of mental problems or brain damage that makes me unable to know what is going on. If that was the case, I would want DH to feel OK about finding someone to be happy with.

Infidelity or abuse or addiction, I wouldn't presume to say what I'd do. I'm very lucky to never have had to deal with those issues.

[gatorsmom]

Yikes. I knew the church didn't permit annulment or divorce for spousal abuse or rape, but I didn't realize incest was not grounds either.


.

Honestly, the Church reviews each case separately and independently, thank goodness. I know of marriage that were annulled for far smaller issues.

[elektra]

Yikes. I knew the church didn't permit annulment or divorce for spousal abuse or rape, but I didn't realize incest was not grounds either.



I was disturbed and so was my friend. Honestly I think the priest was questionable at best. I mean, I think there are other ways to illustrate how marriage isn't something you take lightly.
He also seemed obsessed with how much shoulder was exposed in her dress, and required to inspect her wearing it before hand.

The priests I had for my precana stuff were very loving, nice, and not creepy (!) I also got married in Hawaii where there is inevitable going to be skin showing and my dress was a non-issue.

[daisysmom]

My views on this are evolving. When I got married, I thought I would never ever get divorced or ever stop loving my dh as passionately as I did the day we married (or the 8 years we hated). He was my mr. Big in the sense that we had a chemistry that was remarkable. There were so many people at our wedding who said to us that they knew that we would always be together and our love could withstand anything, and I think they meant it.

But our marriage has had its pressures, most notably the Alzheimer's that his mother has suffered from and his father's abandonment of her and getting a girlfriend, and then generating tremendous family drama amongst his children for the last 4 years. I told my best friend just yesterday on the phone "if I had known dh's father would do what he has, I probably wouldn't have married dh in fear that he would turn out like his dad.". That has been a very painful realization but it is true.

Yet I am also mad at my fil for not honoring "in sickness and in health" for his own wife. I feel like he quit on his vow, and I don't want to "quit" on mine when the going gets tough.

So I am not really sure what I would leave for. I am more sure of what I won't tolerate though, and I guess that is a good thing because my dd will never have a mother who will be a doormat for her husband (which we have all discovered my mil was for my fil for many years). I guess in a way it is just a learning experience. But it is not the unrelenting devotion that I honestly expected, even getting married at 35.

[catsnkid]

Well, I just made the decision to divorce. It was due to emotional abandonment (both of us), verbal abuse and fighting in front of my son. He has never strayed as far as I know, BUT there have been suspicous things, such as text messages from unknown parties, etc. I ended up straying and it was a big wake up call as far the status of my marriage and why I would fall in love with someone else. Obviously I was unhappy but I didn't go into the marriage thinking about the end, the plan was to stay together forever.

[icunurse]

I will not tolerate cheating (even a one night stand), committing serious crimes (rape, molestation, drug addiction, domestic violence, etc), or emotional absence. As I see it, we are in this together and doing any of those is him abandoning me. I am pretty laid back and reasonable, but I won't be disrespected and I will not live a life that would be better if I was alone. I would, of course, try counseling, if it was something that might be able to be saved. But, to me, even a one night stand is a slap in the face and i dont think that i could ever fully forgive or trust him....I would just be waiting for the next time he was bored, or drunk, or out with the boys and I refuse to live my life like that. As I have told DH before, I am with him because I want to be, but I don't need him to survive. I have a good career, I am strong-willed, financially independent, and okay with being alone. I am committed to him, but only as much as he is to me.

[brittone2]

Well, I just made the decision to divorce. It was due to emotional abandonment (both of us), verbal abuse and fighting in front of my son. He has never strayed as far as I know, BUT there have been suspicous things, such as text messages from unknown parties, etc. I ended up straying and it was a big wake up call as far the status of my marriage and why I would fall in love with someone else. Obviously I was unhappy but I didn't go into the marriage thinking about the end, the plan was to stay together forever.
I couldn't read and not offer a :grouphug: Best wishes to you as you move forward.

[MamaMolly]

Having gone through the 'in sickness and in health' with DH last year I can honestly say that if he hadn't changed his habits and lifestyle for the better we would probably not still be together. Before it happened to us, I never understood how someone could see a partner through something like cancer, a serious illness, etc. and then divorce. But having walked that path I get it. I would never want to put myself or my children through something like that ever again.

We joke that we've made it through the vows, except for in richness! ;)

[bostonsmama]

Til death do us part.

I don't consider myself a weak person, but if abuse were ever an issue, I'd get to a safe place and monitor from afar while he tried to get counseling to work through those issues. But IMPO, domestic violence usually has symptoms and warning signs, few of which DH has. I did tell DH that if he ever got into drugs, I'd leave him (physically) and wait until he detoxed. I suppose I don't know how long I'd wait for him to get clean, but sheesh...

Affairs? Was it serious? Did my behavior make it easy for him to seek comfort/recognition/relief/sex/approval from someone else? Is that something he struggles with (wandering eye, flirtatious, attention-seeking, thrill-seeker, easily bored)? It'd all be stuff I'd consider before leaving.

Prayerfully, we'll work through the valleys ahead. We've had our highs and super lows, but the Lord sustains, convicts and changes...even the impossible situations!

[Gena]

'Til death do part us. Our religious beliefs do not allow divorce.

IF I feared for my safety or the safety of my child or if the situation became intolerable for other serious matters, I would pursue a legal separation.

If for some reason my DH obtained a civil divorce, I would still consider myself to be sacramentally married to him even though we would not be legally married.

[catsnkid]

I couldn't read and not offer a :grouphug: Best wishes to you as you move forward.

Thanks, how sweet.

[gatorsmom]

'Til death do part us. Our religious beliefs do not allow divorce.

IF I feared for my safety or the safety of my child or if the situation became intolerable for other serious matters, I would pursue a legal separation.

If for some reason my DH obtained a civil divorce, I would still consider myself to be sacramentally married to him even though we would not be legally married.

:yeahthat: I didn't say this before but even if DH and I divorced, I would never marry again or enter into another relationship unless our marriage was annulled.

[KKsMom]

I am married until death do us part.

With that said I would not put up with infidelity, violence ...

I know my husband well before we got married. Signs of bad behavior are always there. They just don't show up one day.

[carolinamama]

I will not tolerate cheating (even a one night stand), committing serious crimes (rape, molestation, drug addiction, domestic violence, etc), or emotional absence. As I see it, we are in this together and doing any of those is him abandoning me. I am pretty laid back and reasonable, but I won't be disrespected and I will not live a life that would be better if I was alone. I would, of course, try counseling, if it was something that might be able to be saved. But, to me, even a one night stand is a slap in the face and i dont think that i could ever fully forgive or trust him....I would just be waiting for the next time he was bored, or drunk, or out with the boys and I refuse to live my life like that. As I have told DH before, I am with him because I want to be, but I don't need him to survive. I have a good career, I am strong-willed, financially independent, and okay with being alone. I am committed to him, but only as much as he is to me.

This is pretty much how I feel. My feelings on this topic have evolved over time. Prior to marriage, I was black and white - infidelity or domestic violence were deal-breakers. After having kids and feeling like DH and I have both put so much into this life, I really started questioning those feelings and realized that there is gray to every situation, mainly infidelity. But now I'm back to wondering if I could really stay with someone who strayed. I think I could forgive but I'm not sure I could ever really forget.

I do strongly feel that I can't be 100% sure about what I would truly do in any particular situation though.

[indigo99]

My mother and grandmother were in unhappy marriages for far too long, and I learned from them. I would definitely not jump ship without a lot of serious effort to make it work, but neither will I spend years and years miserable just for the sake of saving the marriage. People do make mistakes sometimes and marry the wrong person. I do not believe that any two people can make a happy marriage just because they want to.

[babyonway]

I know my husband well before we got married. Signs of bad behavior are always there. They just don't show up one day.


Unless you know every man in the world please do not say such a comment when clearly you have not been in the situation. And if I am wrong and you have been in that situation it was with a sample set not the ENTIRE male population. Signs ARE NOT always there. This goes for infidelity and violence.

[ha98ed14]

Til death do us part.

Affairs? Was it serious? Did my behavior make it easy for him to seek comfort/recognition/relief/sex/approval from someone else?

I had to respond to this. I think this message to women they they can somehow be responsible for or play some role in their husband's adultery is not only wrong, it's dangerous. Where do you draw the line? Is it a woman's fault if she is raped if she could have possibly led him on? Did he have the right to "finish" if suddenly she started "playing coy" or "hard to get?"

Presumably we are all married to adults. Unless there is some mental disease or defect, responsibility lies at the feet of the adulterer alone, be it man or woman. I admire your devotion to your spouse, marriage and (it sounds like from your post) God; however, even if "love bears all things," don't think for one moment that it is the fault of anyone put the person who stepped outside the marriage.

[twotimesblue]

"I know my husband well before we got married. Signs of bad behavior are always there. They just don't show up one day.[/QUOTE]

This is so not true. My mother had no idea, when she married my father, that he would one day turn violent. My good friend, similarly, had the 'perfect' marriage... until she found out that her DH was visiting prostitutes while away on business. There were no signs, and to imply that all women whose marriages end because of their partner's 'bad behavior' is not only wrong, but offensive, too.

I love and adore my husband but am not naive enough to think that nothing will ever change - many rock-solid marriages are shattered by mid-life crises, bereavement, unemployment etc. Being a divorcee does not make you a failure: I wish my parents had separated years before they did!

[dogmom]

I had to respond to this. I think this message to women they they can somehow be responsible for or play some role in their husband's adultery is not only wrong, it's dangerous. Where do you draw the line? Is it a woman's fault if she is raped if she could have possibly led him on? Did he have the right to "finish" if suddenly she started "playing coy" or "hard to get?"

Presumably we are all married to adults. Unless there is some mental disease or defect, responsibility lies at the feet of the adulterer alone, be it man or woman. I admire your devotion to your spouse, marriage and (it sounds like from your post) God; however, even if "love bears all things," don't think for one moment that it is the fault of anyone put the person who stepped outside the marriage.

I respectively disagree with you. I've seen woman who belittle their husband in front of their children the whole time talking about how hard it is for them to be stuck with such a loser. I know woman who act surprised when they have sex twice a year with their husband that after years he go somewhere else for sex. More often I see couples drift away from each other during the trials of everyday family life and one of them suddenly finds themselves falling in love with someone else. And it is just not husbands that do this, wives do this also. You are absolutely correct, no one holds a gun to a man's head and says, "Go sleep around." However, I think to the question of whether one should stay married or not after infidelity the circumstances do matter a lot.

So I did not read the PP comment as, "If a man hits or cheats on you it's your fault." I read it as: "It depends on the circumstance what I would do." Yes, many men are just dogs and there is nothing there wife did "wrong" or could have done "right" to prevent infidelity. However, I have seen real life circumstances with both sexes where I can honestly say, "Saw that coming."

[maestramommy]

I respectively disagree with you. I've seen woman who belittle their husband in front of their children the whole time talking about how hard it is for them to be stuck with such a loser. I know woman who act surprised when they have sex twice a year with their husband that after years he go somewhere else for sex. More often I see couples drift away from each other during the trials of everyday family life and one of them suddenly finds themselves falling in love with someone else. And it is just not husbands that do this, wives do this also. You are absolutely correct, no one holds a gun to a man's head and says, "Go sleep around." However, I think to the question of whether one should stay married or not after infidelity the circumstances do matter a lot.

So I did not read the PP comment as, "If a man hits or cheats on you it's your fault." I read it as: "It depends on the circumstance what I would do." Yes, many men are just dogs and there is nothing there wife did "wrong" or could have done "right" to prevent infidelity. However, I have seen real life circumstances with both sexes where I can honestly say, "Saw that coming."

Totally agree with this, esp. as I see marriages among my parents' circle dissolve. Not everyone man who cheats is a dog (though I've seen them). Same goes for a woman who cheats. It doesn't excuse the cheater, but from what I've seen there are almost always "not totally shocked by that" reasons behind it.

[karstmama]

it's all context. to me right here comfy on the couch, it's not the fact of infidelity but what's behind it.

for example, dbf has a coworker who has been married for many years and they have 6 kids. in the past year he has brought home 3 std's, one serious. *that* would be hard for me to get past, because it isn't that it's cheating, it's more a slap in the face. it's so blatantly disrespectful of her and his life at home. they are quite religious and still together and seem right now to be working on the relationship, but... you know? it's not the act, but the 'f$%^ you' behind it. it isn't the fact my so would have sex with another, but if he was just so...ugly...about it.

i'd say i'm in the 'serious problem he's not willing to confront' camp. i've been married twice, though, so i'm probably not the best to answer. though 'not so dh 1' left me for the woman he was having the affair with and 'ex h i still like enough not to spit on' got remarried in quite a hurry himself after swearing it wasn't about another person, so i do have experience with being cheated on and being willing to continue the marriage.

[MontrealMum]

My parents had a terrible marriage. Neither one of them ever sought professional help, and they never pursued it as a couple. They divorced - after 30 yrs - when I was in college. At the time my first thought was "WTH did you wait so long???". Now that I've been through difficulties in my own marriage my criticism of their situation is more that they never sought professional help, not that they delayed divorce for so long that it really didn't matter much to me in my daily life.

DH and I have been together for 18 years and I know him pretty well but at the same time I don't think I could predict what might or might not send me over the edge. I don't take my vows lightly but at the same time, my religion permits divorce. And personally I think it can be a wonderful thing. If, after seeking profesionnal help and much soul searching, divorce seems to be the only answer, yes, I'd do it. That doesn't mean that I'm any less committed to my marriage. I'm not sitting here looking for an out. But at the same time I do have a personal line which I will not cross.

[hillview]

Agree with most of the pp.

A few things off the top of my head that would be grounds for divorce (for me personally) would be:

-Adultery
-Abuse
-Toxic addiction (ie: spouse gambles away all of our $, addicted to drugs/alcohol, refuses to seek help, etc.), I have known ppl who tried to stick through their spouse through these issues and even though they are still married, it has ruined their marriage. If the person addicted doesn't want to help themselves, all they do is drag down their spouse and family with them. I consider that unhealthy.
-Abandonment


I think I am somewhere between married unless something big happens and married unless I am unhappy.

I remember when a friend of mine was going through her pre-cana classes, in I guess an attempt to illustrate what the covenant of marriage "really" meant, the priest told her that even if her husband was molesting her kids, she still needed to stay married to him.
At that point in my own head I remember thinking, "ok if that ever happens in my own marriage, my vows are out the window, I am taking my kids and leaving!"

So yeah, something big like that is a deal breaker.

And while I think "married unless I am unhappy" sounds like something a rich celebrity would say- someone who has the means to leave even when the going gets tough and who maybe doesn't really respect the institution of marriage, I still think that life is short and even if there are no "huge issues" in a marriage, there comes a point where say if you are having year after year of constant unhappiness with your spouse, it is ok to end things.

However, I also don't think infidelity is an absolute deal breaker. It is so common and I think it can happen to good people and in many cases I think a marriage can and should be able to survive it.
Personally, I am in it for the long haul and I would have to be REALLY unhappy to actually call it quits.
All in all, I agree with the overall sentiment that you really don't know what you will do unless it's happening to you.


This is pretty much how I feel. My feelings on this topic have evolved over time. Prior to marriage, I was black and white - infidelity or domestic violence were deal-breakers. After having kids and feeling like DH and I have both put so much into this life, I really started questioning those feelings and realized that there is gray to every situation, mainly infidelity. But now I'm back to wondering if I could really stay with someone who strayed. I think I could forgive but I'm not sure I could ever really forget.

I do strongly feel that I can't be 100% sure about what I would truly do in any particular situation though.

:yeahthat:
I agree with a lot of the above. Leaving DH would be unthinkable with kids and how much our lives are enmeshed. We've had issues, seen therapists but it would take a lot for us to end things.

[khalloc]

I would say

Married unless something in particular occurs like infidelty, etc (and is that particular something a real concern or just a basic belief)?

If I found out about an infidelity, I think that would be a real deal breaker. Maybe not right away. But it would eat away at me, I would be unhappy, DH would be unhappy. I just couldnt live with him daily after that breach of trust.

I think other hard things can come up to that might dissolve a marriage. I cant think of a particular one right now, but I think there are other points where I would consider divorce. Certainly domestic violence. Possibly drug or alcohol issues.

[AnnieW625]

Domestic violence and substance abuse would be the killers of a marriage for me. Infidelity in regards to a long term affair would be a killer as well. My DH being friends with other women and taking them to lunch or dinner on business trip isn't a concern or vice versa for me because we both know that if something were to happen in that regards it would have happened long ago.

My DH and I have been together for almost 15 yrs., and not all of it has been good, we have been married for almost 10 (our anniv. is in February). We went through a lot when we were dating (long distance relationship--we were apart more than we were together until just about our second anniversary, DH being laid off 3 mos. before we got married, future in law issues) and have gone through a bit when we have been married as well (DH was out of a job in his current line of work for 18 months, continued in law issues, losing baby 2, and pay cuts). It has been hard, but somehow we have made it work. We are entering a year where there are paycuts again, but in the end we are both thankful we have a job, we have a roof over our heads, and we have our two happy and healthy girls. Our parents are also still married (although my parents went through a rough patch in the early 90s, and late 90s) as well as were all of our grandparents and the aunts/uncles we are closest to so we have lots of support and evidence that sometimes sticking together and working through the rough patches really does work.

[KDsMommy]

I am currently going through a long, drawn-out, nasty divorce. I was the one who sought the divorce after xDh's criminal activities and several years of domestic violence. The day that he turned on DS was the day I visited my attorney for the first time and filed for divorce. It has been almost 2 years of battline in court but I know I absolutely did the right thing by walking away from our marriage.

[BabbyO]

I think for me it is married unless domestic abuse occurs. Substance abuse may be a factor, but it would depend on the circumstances.

Adultry isn't a factor in my mind. Maybe because I have NO doubt that I can trust DH in this area...but even if it occurred I know I'd try to work through it. If it continued, I might change my mind.

[Calmegja2]

People tell themselves that you would always know about a person's issues with infidelity or domestic violence, and that it can never be a surprise, or that it might be the spouse's fault that they did either as a talisman against it happening to them, or denial of reality.

Because the uncomfortable truth of the matter is- you can never ever know another human being 100%. You may think you can, and that you do- but you don't.

So it's much, much easier- when you look at someone else's marriage struggles, to comfort yourself with words that make it seem as if the person should have known, or could have done a better job as a spouse to prevent it.

But we don't control other people. They make their own choices. And you do yourself a disservice in your marriage and in your life by looking at it any other way.

Sincerely,

Calmegja
( former member of the "no way would it happen to me, I chose better, he would never, and I am such a great spouse it would never happen to me" club)

[babyonway]

People tell themselves that you would always know about a person's issues with infidelity or domestic violence, and that it can never be a surprise, or that it might be the spouse's fault that they did either as a talisman against it happening to them, or denial of reality.

Because the uncomfortable truth of the matter is- you can never ever know another human being 100%. You may think you can, and that you do- but you don't.

So it's much, much easier- when you look at someone else's marriage struggles, to comfort yourself with words that make it seem as if the person should have known, or could have done a better job as a spouse to prevent it.

But we don't control other people. They make their own choices. And you do yourself a disservice in your marriage and in your life by looking at it any other way.

Sincerely,

Calmegja
( former member of the "no way would it happen to me, I chose better, he would never, and I am such a great spouse it would never happen to me" club)

Very well said and so true. Clearly some people don't know what they would do unless they were in the situation. If we don't know what WE would do how can anyone say the know with 100 percent certainty what their SO will do in the future. No one knows another human being 100 percent.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk.

[KDsMommy]

People tell themselves that you would always know about a person's issues with infidelity or domestic violence, and that it can never be a surprise, or that it might be the spouse's fault that they did either as a talisman against it happening to them, or denial of reality.

Because the uncomfortable truth of the matter is- you can never ever know another human being 100%. You may think you can, and that you do- but you don't.

So it's much, much easier- when you look at someone else's marriage struggles, to comfort yourself with words that make it seem as if the person should have known, or could have done a better job as a spouse to prevent it.

But we don't control other people. They make their own choices. And you do yourself a disservice in your marriage and in your life by looking at it any other way.

Sincerely,

Calmegja
( former member of the "no way would it happen to me, I chose better, he would never, and I am such a great spouse it would never happen to me" club)

Very well said Calmegja, thank you.

I am a well-educated woman and I thought I knew my DH would never do any of the things he did. The hard truth is that you really never 100% know another human being, even your spouse.

[anamika]

I am currently going through a long, drawn-out, nasty divorce. I was the one who sought the divorce after xDh's criminal activities and several years of domestic violence. The day that he turned on DS was the day I visited my attorney for the first time and filed for divorce. It has been almost 2 years of battline in court but I know I absolutely did the right thing by walking away from our marriage.

That sounds horrible - I am so sorry it happened to you.
I hope things only get better and better for you and your son!

[mom3boys]

I hope I don't sound flippant but I don't think it would take a certain "thing". I would not stay in a marriage where there was domestic violence or serious violence. I would not necessarily leave one where adultery occurred, it would depend on the situation. But, I think a lot of people leave because they're really not in love with their partner any more, and I think that is potentially a valid reason to consider leaving. When you have no children, it is definitely a valid reason. When you do have children, it makes things more complicated.

There are times I have considered (broadly, vaguely) ending my marriage because DH and have become roommates/child care providers more than spouses (and I know he feels the same way), but the alternative (effect on the kids, shuttling kids to different homes, splitting holidays, splitting vacations, virtually ending my relationships with DH's family and some friends, while at the same time needing to stay near XH for custody reasons, so opportunities are still limited by the relationship) seems horrible compared to the POSSIBILITY that I might find personal happiness elsewhere.

That said, my parents have been married 43 years and don't seem particularly happy. They live in the same house and spend almost no time together. I know people who have gotten divorced simply because things "Didn't work out" and are happily remarried etc. I also know people bitter and alone years later. I'm not sure what the answer is.

[maestramommy]

That said, my parents have been married 43 years and don't seem particularly happy. They live in the same house and spend almost no time together. I know people who have gotten divorced simply because things "Didn't work out" and are happily remarried etc. I also know people bitter and alone years later. I'm not sure what the answer is.

This. I look at my parents, who have been married 45 years, and their relationship is very fraught. They just don't communicate well, never have, and there is a lot of personal baggage from childhood brought into this relationship I think. Superficially I think they drive each other nuts, and when I was a kid I wondered why they didn't just end it. Yet here they are, they do actually do some social things together, occasionally share a good laugh together, and they are mutually proud of their kids and grandkids. And when one passes I know the other is going to be really really sad. Same with Dh's parents. His dad passed away after 3 strokes years ago. I heard he could be very difficult to live with but MIL is still sad, and has never contemplated remarrying. MIL is very proud of her kids and grandkids, and part of her sadness stems from knowing her Dh missed out on a lot of it. These are not insignificant things. Both my parents and ILs have put up with a lot from their partners over the years, things that I think "we" in our current generation think are just ridiculous. Still, I cannot help but respect the fact that they have stuck it out so long, and will continue until death.

[hellokitty]

That said, my parents have been married 43 years and don't seem particularly happy. They live in the same house and spend almost no time together. I know people who have gotten divorced simply because things "Didn't work out" and are happily remarried etc. I also know people bitter and alone years later. I'm not sure what the answer is.

This describes both my parents and in laws too and my sil's parents (who usually travel on their own and sleep in separate bedrooms, they even lived in side by side apartments for yrs). My mil has threatened to divorce fil before, but the truth is that even though they have a horrible marriage, so is very dependent on him, so it would not be to her benefit to divorce him. He would benefit though, I could see my fil getting remarried and actually being happy for once. As for my parents, I honestly don't know why they are still married. The only one who benefits from the relationship is my dad, my mom is basically like his personal door mat and slave. I keep hoping she will leave him and re-start her life. The only way that will probably happen is if he dies before she does, she may actually realize then that life can be happy. For both my dad and mil, if their spouse dies first, both will probably die soon after, since they only reason they have thrived is off the backs of their spouses. All I know is that I have told ppl before that I never want to end up with marriages like my parents or in laws. They are simply living together out of convenience at this point, not out of love. My mom keeps saying she is obligated to stay married to my dad since he is getting old and sick, however I don't know how she can rationalize that when he has always treated her so poorly, it's amazing to me that she can still be so loyal to him and love him. Same goes with my mil and fil's situation. I think that the worst thing to happen to a marriage is when it becomes unbalanced like that. Where it is obvious that one spouse benefits and the other one is completely miserable, and the one who benefits of course, doesn't want to let the other one go.

[joonbug]

Signs of a bad behavior are not always there... One of my relatives got married to this guy long time ago, they were so in love, had 3 kids. A while ago, she separated from him, and got serious bashing from both sides of the family. What they only realized later, he started seeing a guy (yes...) and it had been going on for a while. They divorced a few years ago, the guy now lives with a partner, my relative remarried. Nobody expected anything like this, especially after they built a family. I can't imagine that, have known them for a long time and while I could say something was not going right between them, I had no idea it was anything like this...

[crl]

I am currently going through a long, drawn-out, nasty divorce. I was the one who sought the divorce after xDh's criminal activities and several years of domestic violence. The day that he turned on DS was the day I visited my attorney for the first time and filed for divorce. It has been almost 2 years of battline in court but I know I absolutely did the right thing by walking away from our marriage.

:hug: I am so sorry and I hope better times are just ahead.

Catherine

[Pear]

Domestic violence is my automatic dealbreaker. It is not that I wouldn't leave for other reasons. I am committed to my marriage and working through tough times. I fully expect to grow old with my husband, even if we encounter bumps along the way. I'm also not willing to say I would stay and be miserable just for the sake of staying.

[kijip]

I have a marriage that we have pulled through what mostly commonly shows up on people's lists of deal breakers. In our case, domestic violence was solved. I would stress that my husband did not meet the definition of a batterer, was never vaguely verbally abusive and that his rare physically aggression stemmed from the very violent DV household he grew up in- he learned to keep everything shut in until he exploded. He is the very last person anyone would look at and think violent... great with kids, feminist, patient etc. While we consider it a solved issue, I know full well that in many/even most cases it is not a solvable issue. We separated for about 9 months to resolve it. I don't want to minimize it, it was serious. But it was not part of his character and it was something he worked HARD change and end. It's been close to 7 years (we have been married 10.)

I reference that to say that provided we both maintain the will to be with each other like we have, I can't see many very many situations that would result in divorce. We have dealt with DV, financial swings, mental illness (including PTSD), extensive family stress, divergent religious backgrounds, you name it. I don't think infidelity would be a deal breaker after all that. I think we have the tools to get through it. He is too much awesome to let go of over that. If we were not so great together, then we would have parted a long time ago.

However, certainly abuse of the kids or being a sex offender would cause immediate action. Although, honestly anyone sexually abusing my kids, like that priest said? I'd be breaking the 5th commandment. I may have been raised to be a forgiving pacifist sort, but there is a point where that breaks down and this would be it.