Working Moms - how do you deal with letting go

[janine]

My mother has watched my kids for the past few years. I'm very lucky and it has helped me immensely in my transitoin back to work 2 times. I know my kids are taken care of and I have peace of mind.

The time has come however to find someone else to watch them as it's becoming too much for my mom. Millions of people do it. There are some amazing nannies out there. But I'm having big mental block on this. I tend to not trust people. How can I trust someone to watch my little babies 10hrs a day? And to drive DD to preschool with the baby....so many possible dangers and no person watches your child like a family member does.

I need to get past this but don't know how..I feel dread to start searching for this person on the internet (care.com,etc.).

I know this is my issue but curious how others got over it.

[JElaineB]

Personally I always felt more comfortable with a child care center than an in-home provider (and I used several different in-home providers when DS was younger). With a center you know there are multiple eyes on the child, and ususally fairly standard policies regarding safety they must follow. With just a single person (nanny or in-home provider) I think there is a higher level of trust needed, as you have to take them at their word regarding the care they provide.

[janine]

Personally I always felt more comfortable with a child care center than an in-home provider (and I used several different in-home providers when DS was younger). With a center you know there are multiple eyes on the child, and ususally fairly standard policies regarding safety they must follow. With just a single person (nanny or in-home provider) I think there is a higher level of trust needed, as you have to take them at their word regarding the care they provide.

I agree, but with 2 and one in preschool with established friends, I kind of inadvertently took that option off the table. Also the drop offs at a DC would make us even more frazzled in the morning. I had thought if someone is in-home at least the kids can wake up at their own pace and be home and I can leave at 6am (so I can come home at decent hour) without anyone noticing.

But you're right, it requires more $ and higher degree of trust. Ugh.

[pinkmomagain]

Personally I always felt more comfortable with a child care center than an in-home provider (and I used several different in-home providers when DS was younger). With a center you know there are multiple eyes on the child, and ususally fairly standard policies regarding safety they must follow. With just a single person (nanny or in-home provider) I think there is a higher level of trust needed, as you have to take them at their word regarding the care they provide.

This was my feeling too when my oldest was a baby and I was working. I only worked for 3 years before I decided to SAHM, but felt much more comfortable with a daycare setting. Nothing is perfect, though.

[BabyBearsMom]

It's funny you say this, because one of my number one rules is that I am not okay with using family as long term childcare providers. I just think that when it is someone that you employ (a nanny, a daycare) and you don't agree with what they are doing, you have a business discussion. But if it is your mom you get into the whole "Well, I did this for you when you were a baby and you turned out just fine" argument. I feel more in control with my kids in daycare.

DD1 is in a center style preschool and DD2 is at a wonderful home daycare. I was lucky with the home daycare as my nephew was already there and my sister had a long standing relationship with the DCP so trusting her was easy. But, I think you have to do all the research you can (I checked the state inspection records, and did several drop in visits on the daycare to make sure that there was never anything suspect), call the references and then pay close attention to your children afterwards. The preschool came highly recommended by everyone I spoke to and when I visited it, I felt that the staff was really warm and loving. I do try to come in for pick up at varied times, so I can see how things are going when they aren't expecting me. And my verbal DD1 tells me everything that everyone said when she gets home, so I think I have a good picture of what goes on there.

[Philly Mom]

As PP already said, I chose a daycare/school for trust issues, cost and a more structured environment. Your schedule sounds like that may be difficult. My brother uses a nanny (but in NYC so no driving). Their schedule would not allow for a daycare. They found trust in their nanny by finding her through a recommendation of someone who was moving. They have had her for 4 years now and LOVE her. I have a friend near me who has twins and a 3 year old so also has a nanny. She also found her nanny through a friend. It is not easy but I also agree that I would prefer a nanny over my mom because I can tell the nanny what to do.

[wellyes]

Hugs. There are incredible childcare providers out there who will enrich your baby's life and expand the circle of people who love him. (I think the baby is a him, right?) My daughter's caretaker was a very positive force in her life. My own parents both worked full time, and I remember my 2 "babysitters" with incredible affection. Not as replacement moms, not at all, my mom was my mom. But it was so good to have even more people who were there for me through good and bad times, that I trusted completely. Good luck.

[Jen841]

Again, we did a center when the kids were younger for a number of reasons:
Location
Back-up
Security
$
Various stages of care (one was in baby room while other could be in preschool)

A big factor is I don't like people in my house when I am not there (break in number of years ago), but I am getting over it now (the kids are older and their highschool sitter was carting them around to camps this summer.)

The various temporary 'nanny' situations over the years have been nice for us and the kids.

Get recommendations. Maybe there is someone else who could take your child to preschool (is there another parent you trust that comes by your house in route? Could Grandma just do the driving if that is feasible?)

[llama8]

We chose a daycare center for all of those reasons that you listed. Only the daycare center and my parents have ever watched my kids. I would be uncomfortable with a nanny driving them around in a car. I am in control with driving them to and from the center (or my husband). They have security and no strange person is alone in my home or ever alone with my kids (There are always at least 2 teachers in the room). The center we go to has up to and including private kindergarten and afterschool care with busing provided. Look around.

[daisysmom]

There are incredible childcare providers out there who will enrich your baby's life and expand the circle of people who love him. (I think the baby is a him, right?) My daughter's caretaker was a very positive force in her life. ...mNot as replacement moms, not at all, my mom was my mom. But it was so good to have even more people who were there for me through good and bad times, that I trusted completely.

We needed to use nannies because of my work schedule when my dd was born- I was a partner in a law firm and generally worked from 930-630 and had some flexibility during the day, but often had to work late in the evenings, so I needed more flexibility than centers where I lived provided.

In 5.5 years, we have had 4 nannies (one of them was only for 3 weeks tho). With the exception of the one who was there for on,y a few weeks (who turned out to be a practicing witch and just put dd in front of the tv all day and thankfully, our wonderful contractor repairman called us to let us know that this nanny needed to be fired) I have lived and trusted comp,etely all of our nannies. They have all enriched our daughter's life in different and immeasurable ways. Sure not every day has been smooth sailingbut I can thank. Any number 2 for installing in my dd a true love of baking they made cakes every week, often more). And our current nanny is an artist and has worked with my dd a ton on art, so much that they have painted oil paintings for us that are all incredible.

I believe that the best nannies don't want to be nannies forever so we have always known that they would go back to grad school, or start their own families, etc. but what they gave us has been worth the pain of separation.

I found trusting the right ones easy, and my lack of trust for the wrong hire was telling. But just like you will trust your child's teacher in school, or babysitters in the evenings, or friends parents during playmates, you will trust the right nannies. I got references from all of them, I asked them tough questions, I got in their Facebook pages etc. I have a good gut check and trust that. And the wrong hire was one of desperation and I knew that she wasn't working out.

[jammytoast]

Personally I always felt more comfortable with a child care center than an in-home provider (and I used several different in-home providers when DS was younger). With a center you know there are multiple eyes on the child, and ususally fairly standard policies regarding safety they must follow. With just a single person (nanny or in-home provider) I think there is a higher level of trust needed, as you have to take them at their word regarding the care they provide.

This. And there's built in backup if a provider is sick. And there's background checks on staff. Yes, there are a few duds now and then with the staff in centers, but those quickly move on either by their own choice or by the administration.

good luck - its hard (and I won't lie - expensive!) but in the end, it provided me SO much more piece of mind that having a grandparent or in=home care for my children.

[janine]

We needed to use nannies because of my work schedule when my dd was born- I was a partner in a law firm and generally worked from 930-630 and had some flexibility during the day, but often had to work late in the evenings, so I needed more flexibility than centers where I lived provided.

In 5.5 years, we have had 4 nannies (one of them was only for 3 weeks tho). With the exception of the one who was there for on,y a few weeks (who turned out to be a practicing witch and just put dd in front of the tv all day and thankfully, our wonderful contractor repairman called us to let us know that this nanny needed to be fired) I have lived and trusted comp,etely all of our nannies. They have all enriched our daughter's life in different and immeasurable ways. Sure not every day has been smooth sailingbut I can thank. Any number 2 for installing in my dd a true love of baking they made cakes every week, often more). And our current nanny is an artist and has worked with my dd a ton on art, so much that they have painted oil paintings for us that are all incredible.

I believe that the best nannies don't want to be nannies forever so we have always known that they would go back to grad school, or start their own families, etc. but what they gave us has been worth the pain of separation.

I found trusting the right ones easy, and my lack of trust for the wrong hire was telling. But just like you will trust your child's teacher in school, or babysitters in the evenings, or friends parents during playmates, you will trust the right nannies. I got references from all of them, I asked them tough questions, I got in their Facebook pages etc. I have a good gut check and trust that. And the wrong hire was one of desperation and I knew that she wasn't working out.

Thanks-this is reassuring to read. Where do you usually find your nannies?

Daycare is also not an option for us. Maybe I should have thought this out from the beginning but at this point, my DD1 is signed up for preschool 2hrs a day and has established friends. I also have a work schedule that is not so flexible. I do think daycare may've been a better option for us, definitely financially and for other reasons as well. But it still would have come up for when DD enters Kindergarten.

[carolinamama]

There are fabulous nannies out there. We have one now (although this is her last week since she is going back to school this fall :cry:) She has my 13 mo DD at the Childrens' Museum right now, handles my 3 kids together like it is easy, sets up playdates, and still manages to get everything done - homework with DS1, feed the kids good food, laundry, and have fun.

It can be hard to find one and I am crossing my fingers that after doing my due diligence, the replacement we hired will also be great. I highly recommend going with word of mouth if you can. People won't usually recommend someone unless they are great. Try to have the nanny start work while you are home and really get a feel for what is going on. Build in checks - have a neighbor that you trust stop by with a good excuse to see what is going on, come home for lunch or early randomly without warning etc. We have a biweekly cleaning lady that keeps me in the loop what is going on while she is there. We've had 2 great nannies and one not-so-great in between. The cleaning lady was my eyes and ears and confirmed what I was feeling - it was time to let the dud go after a month.

It will be hard but it gets easier. Good background, good references, and good communication with you are key in my opinion.

[Simon]

Honestly, I have similar feelings about caregivers and trust. We also only use centers for our infants until about age 2.5 yo. This means we have different kids in different places. Its not easy for us but is better for them. Ds2 is moving out of the day care center into a preschool and we may hire a nanny for Ds1 and Ds2 to share in the afternoons. We have had some amazing caregivers for Ds1, once he was 3yo and we left with with nanny/babysitters. I am sure you can find someone good, but I would consider working with a placement agency, through word of mouth and leave yourself lots of time for the vetting process. A lot of people seem to strike out once or twice before finding the right fit.

[daisysmom]

In response to your question of where we found our nannies, I wanted to echo all of this:

There are fabulous nannies out there. We have one now (although this is her last week since she is going back to school this fall :cry:) She has my 13 mo DD at the Childrens' Museum right now, handles my 3 kids together like it is easy, sets up playdates, and still manages to get everything done - homework with DS1, feed the kids good food, laundry, and have fun.

It can be hard to find one and I am crossing my fingers that after doing my due diligence, the replacement we hired will also be great. I highly recommend going with word of mouth if you can. People won't usually recommend someone unless they are great. Try to have the nanny start work while you are home and really get a feel for what is going on. Build in checks - have a neighbor that you trust stop by with a good excuse to see what is going on, come home for lunch or early randomly without warning etc. We have a biweekly cleaning lady that keeps me in the loop what is going on while she is there. We've had 2 great nannies and one not-so-great in between. The cleaning lady was my eyes and ears and confirmed what I was feeling - it was time to let the dud go after a month.

It will be hard but it gets easier. Good background, good references, and good communication with you are key in my opinion.

Our first nanny we got from a service and payed a referral fee too- very expensive but this was what my friends had done and we wanted a nanny who was older and had good baby experience. She was great, held our newborn all the time, but when dd was 9 months old, we knew we wanted someone who would socialize her more, go to music classes, go to the childrens museum and to our other local museums, and get her out and about more. The baby nanny we had was just not with it, the city traffic was scary to her.

So we got our second nanny by word of mouth. She was 27 and agreed to do it for one year before she went back to school to become a teacher. She had babysat for a work colleague and worked at Starbucks. She was great, always out and about. Had a huge extended family in town very active at her church and thus made a ton of cakes for her church h activities (and weddings). She actually stayed for 2.5 years and left because she got diabetes and getting her own health insurance was prohibitive. And I really felt like her last 6 months she was doing more baking than we. Luke really tolerate. Our dd loved her tho, and it was very hard to lose her.

Then came the witch, off of care.com. She was a brand new college grad. That was 2 summers ago and i didn't have a great feeling about her but she was the best of the bunch and we needed to have someone there fast, and I trusted our. Contractor who was going to be there for most of the first few weeks to give me the scoop. He discovered the tv on all day and heard her telling dd that Tse didn't believe in Jesus but did be,I've in witches and belonged to a group of people that worshipped witches. That day the. I tractor took dd up and she be Mae his helper for the next 2 weeks and basicalled learned all about carpentry. My dh went home and fired the witch. And my secretary at work kept urging me to give the problem over to God. So I said ok. And the next day, a babysitter of ours texted me saying her best friend wanted to quit a design job and nanny for a year. And thats how we got our current nanny.

[weech]

I felt this way, too when I first had DS. I had to go back to work and was convinced I'd never find anyone I trusted enough to care for him full-time. Since then, we've had a nanny and an at-home daycare provider (she's a nun). The daycare has been the absolute best experience for us and I literally trust our provider more than I trust my own parents or my ILs. MIL watches DS two days a week and I find myself watching the clock on those days because I just don't know what's going on.

It's hard, mama... but you will find an option you and your family love.

[arivecchi]

I agree with babybearsmom. I think it is 1000 times easier to have a third party caretaker.

I've had both a nanny (for 5 years) and now send my kids to daycare (older one is starting kindy soon though). We found our nanny through a friend who knew her and she was amazing. I highly recommend that you email your friends or post on FB for recs. Best way to find a nanny IMO. I stayed at home with her for the first full week to get to know her and show her my routine with the baby. I was pretty comfortable by the end of that week and my comfort and trust only grew as time went on. She became a part of our family and we still see her a lot and talk all the time because we all love her so much.

We moved, so now the kids attend a daycare. So far it has been a positive experience as well. The kids have plenty of opportunities to socialize and a packed schedule. We have no sick days to deal with and it is much cheaper! Since the kids are older now (and can tell me if something is wrong) and the daycare is quite well-established, I did not feel nervous at all leaving them there. The kids have had to adjust a bit to the new routine, but seem to be happy while they are there, so I know they are being taken care of.

As PP said, it's all about finding the right fit. Go with your gut and do whatever it takes to make yourself comfortable with your new setup. My guess is that you will be comfortable in no time!

[twowhat?]

We went through a couple of nannies and then I gave up - it was so hard and time-consuming to even find people worthy of interviewing...and the ones we ended up choosing we liked but didn't work out in the end. I quit my job to stay home with them and then when I started working again we looked exclusively into daycare centers and in-home childcare.

There wasn't an in-home close enough to us that I felt would be worthwhile - but this could be a GREAT option for you if you can find one with openings. A friend of mine has a preschooler and baby at an in-home daycare and it works out so nicely for her - she only has 1 place to drop-off the kids, and the DCP does a preschool curriculum in the afternoons. However, she only takes kids up to pre-K age so my friend will have to move her older child to a pre-K. Anyway, you might look into this - lots of in-home providers will follow a preschool curriculum for the preschool-aged child, and if you can find one that can take both the baby and the preschooler until the preschooler is pre-K or even K age that might be just what you need. There are some diadvantages of course - if the DCP gets sick, or takes vacation, then you are left to scramble for childcare or miss work.

I decided I just couldn't deal with that so we went with a traditional daycare center. There are lots of families here who have a preschool-aged child and a baby or toddler in the baby/toddler rooms. To me the biggest disadvantage was the grueling first year of illnesses! But - your child will go through this whenever he/she starts a group care setting (group care settings include Kindergarten!). But I am glad that is behind us now and that our kids are essentially community-proofed:)

And of course if you can find a great nanny, that would be awesome! I guess my point is to entertain all options - you will be able to feel out the one that "feels" best to you.

[Kira's Mommy]

Start looking early, get a team of neighbourhood spies (neighbours, other nannies/moms on the playground, cleaning lady etc.) working for you and install a nanny cam.

Our playground is full with kids who come there with their nannies and most nannies are doing a pretty good job. Some of them, I think, take better care of the kids than the parents. Many have special education, which I don't have. Some are just genuinely in love with the kid they care for. These nannies exist, you just need to be lucky enough to find one.

And once you found your perfect nanny, your life is SO much easier - your kids are at home, napping in their beds, you can control what they eat, how much time they spend outside, which neighbourhood kids they play with, no dropping off, no picking up, you CAN be 20 minutes late from work if you have to, and, my personal favourite, no constant childhood infections.

My DD was at home with a nanny from 12 to 21 months and I've had nothing but the best things to say about her. We had to let her go because I started my mat leave with DS. 8 months later, DD still talks about how much she misses her nanny.

[iaam]

We have the 'perfect' nanny. She is our second one and has been with us for 2 years. The one before this was almost perfect and she was with us for two years, until I went on maternity leave with my second and didn't need full time help for three months. I didn't have the option of family (parents are doctors and still practice) and our schedules wouldn't allow daycare.

We found our nanny through Craigslist. Both times I posted very detailed ads, specifying exactly what we were looking for. I then did lots of phone interviews and invited the top candidates for an in-person 1+ hour interview at our home. I wrote an interview guide and treated it just like a job interview. I also spoke with lots of references and did a criminal + credit history check. Our nanny drives the kids around, so we did a driving test with her. She also takes the kids to her house some times - to play or sleep over if we are traveling - so checked that out too.

She is like family to us, even though she is our employee. I agree with PPs that this is an important factor in retaining 'control' over how your kids are looked after. That being said, we trust her completely - it wouldn't work any other way. We pay her well, give her lots of time off and respect her independance (e.g., I do NOT call her in the middle of the day just to check on her, after all I wouldn't want someone checking on me while I am working either). I also have not installed a nanny cam and won't do that - I believe firmly that if I can't trust my nanny, I should find another arrangment for child care.

I don't mean to be judgemental or criticize anyone - just sharing my perspective. We have been very lucky with our nanny (nannies, really) but have also worked hard to cultivate the relationship.

[TxCat]

:grouphug: Good luck on making these tough decisions. It's hard, but it does get better.

We have an amazing nanny right now, who has been with us for a year and a half. We found her via word of mouth. I followed up on all of her references and recived glowing reports. She started with us part-time before I finished maternity leave so that way I could get used to her and vice versa, and I could drop in unexpectedly early on. That helped me establish comfort with her. I agree with a previous poster about going with your gut feeling. It's hard, but at some point you have to take the plunge, and if it works out, it can be very rewarding for everyone involved. As one of my friends told me when I was starting the process, it just means that there will be more people to love and care for your child.

[janine]

Thanks everyone - appreciate all the feedback. Hoping for word of mouth referral, but we'll see!

iaam - I'm in same area, hadn't thought of Craigslist. Sounds like you've had some great nannies.

[sntm]

I've used sitter city and was happy with the process. Interviews with all promising candidates, background checks, talked to all references. My area has a local email list for parents and interviewed two that were recommended by parents there but they didn't work out.

[daisysmom]

Something also occured to me today, as one of my coworkers is expecting in Sept and is just starting the nanny search process and we were talking in the hall this morning. There is a lot to be gained by interviewing "the wrong" fit too. While it is timeconsuming, I think that you will hone your "gut intuition" when you meet the wrong people too. While we made a mistake once, I think that I can tell pretty quickly what type of people are going to be loving and active and who is going to be more withdrawn and passive, and thus, not what we are looking for in the nanny for an only. You will hone your observation. So dive in there and get some interviews... even if they are just by phone or meeting for coffee in Starbucks (we would do an interview away from our DD, and then followup with her there).

[KDsMommy]

I was a nanny for several families and absolutely fell in LOVE with each child that worked with. I became part of the family and am still in contact with all 3 families that I nannied for.

Be very clear with the nanny what you are looking for...active and out and about vs. stay-at-home, chores, naps, food, etc.

I couldn't afford a nanny for DS so chose an at-home childcare situation for him when he was a baby. He stayed there for 3 years and then went on to preschool.

[LD92599]

I hired one of ds2's teachers last summer when his daycare closed. Intended on keeping her for the summer but we stuck together until she went back to school in january. Loved her soo much and she'd drive the kids all over, take them to restaurants, shopping etc. really miss her (haha she's in nnj too!).