Just need to get this out. Warning: loss and injury mentioned. Very sad.

[misshollygolightly]

Phew. I've started to type this out several times over the past few days...I feel like I just need to get it out somehow, and there isn't really anyone to talk about it with in IRL. It's been a really, really sad two weeks, and I'm struggling to process a few things. This is going to be disjointed...sorry. Two weeks ago my best friend's husband suffered a traumatic spine injury while swimming on vacation. He has been making a miraculous recovery so far, but he still has extremely limited mobility in his limbs, can't walk, remains hospitalized and largely immobile (though he can now swallow and eat, thank goodness). I can't begin to imagine how this is going to change life for them...especially as the financial and practical ramifications become clearer (he obviously is unable to work, indefinitely; I don't know how he'll navigate their 2-story home whenever he is released; it's unclear what insurance will cover; etc.). It was a terrifying reminder of how unexpectedly everything can change, and there have been a lot of emotional ups and downs through his recovery so far.

And then...even worse news came last week. A different friend, my hair stylist actually (whose father has been dying of cancer for the past year and was not expected to live past this fall) lost her father and her 18 month old baby girl in a terrible, terrible drowning accident. It's awful...it's been all over the news in my area, and it's just about the worst thing I can think of. She was pregnant with her girl at the same time I was, and her daughter was born just a few months before mine. We even almost used the same name she did! I can't hardly look at my own little girl these days...it is just too sad. My friend was a single mother and her baby girl was truly the center of her world. I had gone in for a haircut less than week before the accident, and we spent the whole time talking about our kids, she showed me recent pictures of her little girl, talked about how they were planning a big family reunion later this month in Florida (a last hurrah before her dad became to ill to leave the house). And to lose her father and her daughter all at once...it's just way too much. I sent her a card today and made a donation in her daughter's honor, but I just wish there was something I could do. I didn't feel right about going to the funeral (I'm a client not a family friend or relative...I don't want to intrude on their grief). And I feel guilty for even grieving about this, in a way...like how dare I grieve--this isn't about me! And I think I'm also feeling something like "survivor's guilt" over the fact that I have two beautiful kids (and could probably have more, if we wanted), whereas she lost the only child she had (and she had some major complications during the delivery...I don't know that she'd be able to have another child even if she ever wanted to).

I feel like I've been on a terrible emotional roller coaster for two weeks, but I also feel like it's somehow not fair that my own life is (by comparison) so charmed and easy. Instead of feeling grateful for my the wonderful family I do have (which is usually my response when tragedy strikes nearby), I just feel miserable. I need to get this under control, especially because, as I said, I think it's starting to interfere with my ability to interact with my daughter. I just get so sad even looking at her these days! Phew. That's all, really...thanks for letting me get this out there.

[icunurse]

I am so sorry that you are having such a rough time and for your friends recent traumas. Just because you aren't directly connected to a person undergoing a bad time doesn't mean that you can't feel compassion or sympathy or, yes, even guilt. I, too, have had several bad things happen recently and IME, sometimes it takes something like that for you to see how truly good (or at least okay) your life is. Like you, I was having trouble moving on....for me, it just took some time to get past the funeral or the hospitalizations to finally be able to take a breath. Then, I realized that my friend who passed away would want me to live life fully, like she did. And that was enough for me to start doing more hands-on again with my kids and trying to honor her spirit instead of sitting around depressed. I had to push myself a bit at first, but i did it and that is what counts. Trust me, it doesn't go away quickly, but to live your life isn't disrespectful of their losses.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

First of all, I am so sorry for your friend's injuries & losses. I cannot imagine. That has to be so difficult.


And I feel guilty for even grieving about this, in a way...like how dare I grieve--this isn't about me!

This really jumped out at me, because I have felt this EXACT same way. Around the time my DD was born (which was rough in itself), several tragic things happened to friends/family and i had such a rough time dealing with it. And yes, I felt lame feeling so sad when I wasn't even the one going through it. Two weeks after DD was born (she was still in the NICU), DH's cousin's wife went into premature labor, and the baby passed away shortly after being born. We were incredibly devastated for them when we heard... and then I started feeling worse whenever I went to visit my DD in the hospital...i was struggling so hard to feed DD, wondering when she would finally come home...yet I was mad at myself for how dare I feel sad, I should be thankful she's even alive. I also got very sad simply imagining the grief of giving birth to a child but never being able to bring him/her home.

I felt similar feelings, but to a lesser degree, last summer when i found out two of my friends were going through a divorce. It hit me hard..I posted about it here even. I have no advice, other than I totally understand how you feel, and how you dont' really have anyone IRL to talk to about it, bc you feel guilty for even having the need for wanting to talk about it, if that makes any sense. :hug:

[daisysmom]

I have had that kind of "survivor's guilt" when a very close friend lost her husband at a young age. I was just so blue, for several weeks, just like the way you describe. I think this is a normal response for someone who is compassionate and knows that life really can change in an instant. Someone once told me that "we feel things more deeply than many people" and I think that is true - sometimes I think I feel blessings, and grief, more deeply. Not in a bipolar kind of way, but just in a deep reflective kind of way. The only thing that will heal this, in my experience, is time and diversion. Getting some daily exercise, trying to do out of house "more hectic" activities will take your mind off of it. Soon, you will turn around and it won't be so overwhelming. I wish that for you.

[janine]

That is terrible - I'm so sorry to hear it..it's one of those things you just rather not know happens, too painful to absorb and I have no idea howa mother manages.

May I ask how it happened? If you'd rather not talk about it I understand.

This makes us all want to hug our LO's tightly and never let go.

[TwinFoxes]

I'm really sorry for the pain you're feeling. I think it's normal to feel emotionally rocked when tragedy hits people you know. You can't help but think why them and not me? Or just to really think about how random life can be. A local girl I knew only barely was killed in a terrible DUI accident last year, and I was sleepless for many nights just thinking about her and her poor parents. She was a good girl too, and she wasn't the driver. It really made me worry about the things we can't control.

[kaharris83]

Those are such terrible tragedies. I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time with these situations. :hug:

[amldaley]

Your heart grieves because you are a compassionate person. You have to let that happen.

P & PT for both families and a prayer for peace for you.

[misshollygolightly]

Thanks for your sympathy and encouragement, everyone. I think just getting this "out there" helps...and it helps to know others have experienced this feeling. It keeps me from allowing myself from feeling isolated by this grief.

We'll probably never know exactly how the drowning happened. The girl was in the care of her grandparents (her mom was at work) and the grandfather and granddaughter went for a walk. They'd been gone 30 minutes when family discovered them both drowned in the grandparents' pool. Most likely, the little girl got ahead of him and wandered into the pool at some point and he died trying to save her (he was in very poor health and had started having spells of confusion due to the cancer, so it's also possible he fell into the pool or wandered in on his own, before or after her). He was a wonderful man--well-known in the community and much loved and admired. I don't know whether the pool was fenced (I assume so, given the neighborhood), but it was a summer day with other people around so the gate may have been open or maybe they opened it to go into the backyard or something. Who knows. I'm confident this wasn't a case of negligence or anything like that, but I'm sure there are many things the family would have done differently in retrospect. It's one of those utterly senseless tragedies--no one really to blame, no satisfying explanation. Just a stupid, stupid, awful tragedy. And it seems especially unfair because the family was already suffering so much with the grandfather's cancer and impending death.

I know that I'll feel less sad as time goes by, but I can't help thinking no amount of time will ease things for my friend. The salon is collecting funds so she'll be able to take off time from work. I feel a bit better having contributed some to that, and feeling like I did something tangible to help.

[bisous]

I'm so sorry! It is true--you hurt because you feel love and compassion. I hope you find a way through your grief. Hugs.

[mctlaw]

I'm so very sorry. That does make me want to hold my LOs a little closer. :hug:

The logistics of caring for, or simply enabling the simply daily activities for a person with a spinal cord injury, are difficult as you can imagine. My younger bro is a quadriplegic after being passenger in an accident as a teen. My parents' home was remodeled as a result. The best advice I can give there is to be there when the dust settles. Plenty of offers of help are usually there immediately afterwards, but the aftermath is long and arduous, and I can promise you any support you can lend down the road will be most appreciated.

[dogmom]

I just wanted to say one of the best things you can do for your stylist is to still go to her as a client if she continues working. You would be surprised how many people will not go to her anymore because of the sheer awkwardness of the situation.

[Indianamom2]

I know how you feel, at least as it relates to the the grandfather/baby death because I'm pretty sure you must be local to me. That story was so very heartbreaking and I don't even personally know the family. We drove by the subdivision that they lived in today and I just couldn't get it off my mind.

But, I agree with the person who posted before me about continuing to go to the hairstylist. I would imagine a good friend leaving as her client wouldn't help (not that you would).

[misshollygolightly]

I hadn't even thought about it, but of course you're right, Indianamom2 and Dogmom. If/when she returns to work, I'll want to be one of the first in line. I think I may call the salon in a few weeks to let them know that I want to continue as a loyal client--maybe they can notify me when she starts taking appointments again. It might be encouraging to her to know that she'll have clients waiting if/when she's ready. It will be awkward and sad for both of us, I'm sure, but I would hate for her to suffer further by losing her livelihood. I can easily understand why people might decide it's easier just to start going elsewhere...plus, I understand stylists always run the risk of losing clients whenever they take a significant amount of time off. Thanks for reminding me about this small way I can show continued support!

[SkyrMommy]

:hug: . I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time, I hope that you can find peace soon. I think that you're being incrediably compassionate... P&Pts to her & her family.

[dec756]

it can only get better from here.....my condolences

[boltfam]

Your heart grieves because you are a compassionate person. You have to let that happen.

P & PT for both families and a prayer for peace for you.

:yeahthat: So sorry that these families are going through these tragedies.

[wendibird22]

I am so sorry. That's so much unexpected and tragic news to deal with all at once. Go easy on yourself and let yourself explore all those feelings. No two people are alike and it's not fair to tell yourself you shouldn't be reacting in x way. I think you are more likely to move past it quicker if you embrace the emotion and gravity of it all.

Should your friend and her husband need some assistance the http://www.threesixtyfivefoundation.org/ was started by my friend and her husband after he suffered a spinal cord injury in a motorcycle accident. Their mission is to provide financial and non-financial assistance in the 1st year of recovery to help people return to an active lifestyle. They are located in Indy.

[hillview]

Your heart grieves because you are a compassionate person. You have to let that happen.

P & PT for both families and a prayer for peace for you.

:yeahthat:
hugs

[MamaKath]

My p&pt are with the families and also with you as you cope with the losses. They are very lucky to have someone with such a sense of caring and compassion in their lives. May peace be in each of your hearts.

[zoestargrove]

I'm so sorry about both of those tragedies. It's especially overwhelming because of how closely they happened to each other. ((hugs)) and continued P&PT for your friends. I had a very similar experience of guilt a few years ago when the father of 3 little ones a few houses up from me died from illness. It's ok to grieve. It will help you work through those feelings.

[sewarsh]

I had a very similar 2 weeks, but with different tragedies, about 2 months ago.

Mine went like this:
Drove up to North Jersey for a fundraiser for a college friend whose 17 month old was diagnosed with a rare form of brain cancer. He's fighting but realistically the odds are not good.

5 days later had to go to a funeral for my best friends (from college) best friend from childhood who died of a rare form of breast cancer at the age of 35. She lost her battle after just 16 short months.

Then about a week later a friend of a friends's 16 year old son was on a Kayaking excursion in hawaii when 3 rare waves came in and swept him and another boy out to sea. They found the other boy but my friends friends son was never recovered. They had a major coast guard search for 3 days.

And around that same time one of my closest friends from college's sisters 4 YO daughter was diagnosed with Leukemia.

These events are all so tragic and rare and I had a really hard time comprehending such tragedies while trying to savor my life and feeling so thankful for my families health. I totally understand what you mean. I was literally in tears for about a week and in bit of a "fog" for a couple of weeks. Now its a couple months later and my kids are driving me crazy and I'm not as patient and life goes on for me, but I these experiences serve as an important reminder to me how lucky we are and I'm grateful. I do not take it for granted.