Daycare situation and friends/bullies. WWYD?

[khalloc]

DD has been going to this in-home daycare now since June 2011. So goes over the summer full-time, and during the school year after school. She started at the same time as her good friend. They went to a previous daycare center together since they were babies and both came to this daycare at the same time too. They had to switch daycares because the center they were at was not on the bus route from their school when they started Kindergarten last year. They are pretty good friends and the only 2 girls from Kindergarten. So they pretty much play together alot.

This summer a new girl started at the daycare. She is 8. My DD is 6.5 and her friend K is turning 6 in a few days. The new girl is real bully. her parents are going thru a divorce and she is acting out about it. I really dont know her at all. But she pushes other kids and hits and says mean things. She is coming between my DD and her friend K. She is trying to turn them against each other. She wont play with the other 8/9 year olds because they wont play with her since she is mean and bossy. So she is targeting the younger kids. I've told DD how to handle her. To walk away and not to play with her. This bully girl, C, will tell K that my DD doesnt like her and other things that are completely untrue. Now my DD's friend K will start saying stuff to DD like "I dont want to play with you, I want to play with C (the bully who has pushed K into a picnic table and really bruised her arm!). K has been to our house multiple times for playdates. I am friends with her mom. My DD is going to their house all day tomorrow for a birthday party for K. Yesterday K told my DD that she wanted to play with C and not my DD. My DD said "well I'm invited to your birthday party and C is not" and K told her "well I can uninvite you".

I feel like my DD's feelings are getting hurt. Its obvious that the bully is older and trying to manipulate these 2 younger girls. She doesnt like how close they are and that they are good friends. She is trying to break them up. I've emailed K's mom about it a little (She actually complained about the bully girl at first since she hurt her DD physically). I feel like K is younger (just about to turn 6) whereas my DD is more mature and will be turning 7 in November. So I think K is more easy for this bully to manipulate. I just hate to see this happening and have my DD end up losing her friend.

The thing is that I think this bully girl, C, is actually only at the daycare for the summer. She might not be there for after school. So this could be the last week of dealing with her. So if it is I think I should just let it go and let C & K wotk it out themselves. But if this girl is there for afterschool as well, do you think I should talk to K's mom about what K is saying to my DD? (That she doesnt want to play with her and that she can uninvite her to her party.) If I mentioned that to this other mom, what I would be hoping for is that she would talk to her daughter privately about how to treat friends and that this bully C is not a friend. She's mean to K on some days and then when its convenient for her she is nice to K. Whereas my DD has always been K's friend. I dont think its K's fault. I just feel like she is going along with what the bully is telling her since she is older and may seem "cool".

WWYD?

[egoldber]

I would start by talking to the daycare provider. Ask if the other girl will be there for after care. If not, I might let it go. I am also wondering what the provider is doing while the older girl is acting this way? IMO, it sounds like the older girl is being excluded by the kids her age, so she is trying (poorly) to get herself an ally. What type of activities are available to them at the after care? Maybe the daycare provider can provide alternative activities that are more inclusive for all the kids. The social dynamics at play here often come in after care situations when older kids are not being well supervised or given enough stimulation. Sometimes kids do OK sorting things out amongst themselves but sometimes it gets a little too Lord of the Flies.

I would also talk to K's mom about the things you are hearing from your DD. But remember that you are only hearing one side of the story. I had a similar conversation with a mom this past week about something that happened at older DD's birthday party. Her DD misunderstood something that my DD said and her DD's feelings were really hurt. We were able to help them talk it through and work it out. So these talks can go well. :)