question re: contacting a lawyer

[lmh2402]

can someone please give me an understanding of how it might work re; initial contact with a family lawyer

i'm thinking through many options for my situation - long and short term - and i'm not certain of anything. but i do think it's wise to maybe talk to someone

but i don't know what to do or expect. have gotten a few names. but do i just call people and...what? talk to them? i have no clue how the process works and i'm not sure of even what i want. i just want to have an idea of what to be thinking about, careful of, maybe concerned about, etc.

is it customary to have a sort of informational discussion/call/meeting with a lawyer?

thanks

and please PM if you prefer. and i apologize now for any delays in response - i'm not as timely these days. thank you.

[AnnieW625]

:hug: do you have access to a legal aid type place? Your state bar association might help too if they have a directory of lawyers who specialize in family law. You can then weed out the ones you don't want (ie: male vs. female).

I have no BTDT, and have never lived in your area so I am not much help.

[babyonway]

Ask as many people as you can ( I know that may be difficult). you want the BEST attorney. Set up a consultation and they may do it over the phone (which I believe often times is free) or in person (pay by the hour).

[KLD313]

My attorney did a free consultation in person. He told me what to expect and how much it would cost going forward. The hardest part is making the phone call.

[codex57]

Yeah, just ask if they'll do a free consultation. Usually, most will offer at least a free half hour.

Otherwise, I agree with asking as many people as possible.

[waitingforgrace]

It is best to get recommendations from friends or acquaintances. But if you're just in the initial stages of deciding what to do you can call a few and meet with 2-3 of them if they offer a free consultation. The free consultation may be in person or over the phone and is usually about 30 minutes.

If you are looking for advice on how best to protect yourself while you decide how to move forward you may need to pay an attorney for that advice on an hourly basis.

I agree with finding the best attorney, however what's best is going to vary. It depends on your situation, personality, budget, etc.

[maestramommy]

:hug::hug::hug: as you decide what to do.

[daisysmom]

I am an attorney at a big firm, but don't do family law. A close highschool friend was in a situation similar to yours earlier this year and here is what we did to help her. By word of mouth, we found who we thought would be the best atty for her in her city/small locality. Her husband had a large and vindictive fighting personality, so we knew that he would hire a similar kind of atty, and we wanted to get the best match for that. That meant that her atty was not really a nice quiet person (like she was) but in the end, this was the best atty for her because the atty matched her a-hole husband's ways and fought to get her an excellent settlement, which he did.

I think in most places, the best thing is to ask friends who have gotten divorced who they used. Or have friends ask friends and coworkers, etc. Sometimes you have to get twice removed to find people that recommend strongly who they used (or sometimes, who they were against)

Most family law attys who are good at what they do (get good settlements), imo, are not really goingn to be good at the therapy angle. They aren't going to really be able to help you decide "should I leave him?" or "is he beyond repair?" or "Is this just part of having a new baby with lots of feeding issues?" With that in mind, I probably wouldn't reach out to an atty until you are pretty ready to engage him/her. And that might mean taking care of therapy/counseling for yourself first.

I haven't read all of your threads, but I do remember the ones where new DD seems to have a good set of lungs and cries very hard :) and that there are some GI things going on. Not making excuses, but I wish that you could get on the other side of that and get some support outside of your marriage before tackling the issues of "should I stay in this marriage?". Do you have any family that can really swoop in and help? I remember laughing at one of your posts where DH's family was going to swoop in ... I hate my DH's family so am not recommending anyone that will cause you any anxiety at all. But a good friend that maybe you could call and say "please please please is there anyway you can come and just be with me for a few days". Once you send up those radioflags, maybe you can get some relief. And with the GI appt for Monday, will say an extra prayer for that.

I do think a good family law atty will do a 30-60 minute consultation on the phone without you engaging/paying him or her. But you want to have as clear of a mind as possible once you go that route. Not to say it isn't reversible... it surely is... but if you are sleep deprived and so overwhelmed, it might not be as helpful now as it could be in a few weeks. That's not to say, also, that you don't tell DH that you are fed up and need a break from him and his unhelpful ways in the meantime. Just to get yourself together, get your LO on the other side of all of this, and hopefully some clarity will emerge. That will be my recommendation.

[lizzywednesday]

Whatever you do, don't hire the guy my mom hired; he was a jackass. (I wish I knew his name; sorry!) The woman my dad hired was much better. However, I last saw both of them almost 20 years ago, so I'm not really much help.

There are good firms and solo practitioners up where you are; I'll send a PM if you'd be OK with sharing specifics with me so I can pick lawyer friends' brains for people with the right kind of experience for your situation.

If you're considering separation and/or divorce, you might want to also test the waters at separated/divorce support groups - my dad went to one at an Episcopal church out in the Dover area (might be a schlep for you) but you can always check local houses of worship to see if they have groups running at times that could work out for you. The folks there, especially group leaders, will likely have a lot of good BTDT advice that can be helpful as you start your search.

Good luck!

[catsnkid]

What state do you live in. I have just started the divorce process myself. I met with the attorney before trying to hire them. I was interested in mediation but EX did not want to do that.

[ExcitedMamma]

I'm a family law atty so I've done a zillion consults. The atty will keep the ball rolling and find out your situation and then give you advice based on the law in your state so don't feel like you need to prepare for it. You can start off by phone just to get an idea what to expect and save yourself the trouble of going in person until you're interested in doing so. Remember the atty wants you as a client so they'll walk you through the consult process. If you talk to a few attys you should get a good idea what you can expect because they should be telling you mostly the same thing.

As far as finding an atty definitely check with friends, but frankly take it with some skepticism (clients can often let their emotions get to them and misjudge situation). If anything the best recommendations are the ones where they recommend the opposing atty because they saw them in action and judged them on merits and results. Also in some states there are bar associations and specialist referrals. At this point if you are just thinking about it that's what I would recommend but different advice would apply if you were getting serious about hiring and filing legal papers.

FWIW if you are thinking of divorce it's harder than you can imagine, especially if it's contentious, so you really need to have considered your options and be ready if you go forward. My happiest clients were the ones that were really ready and gave it their all beforehand so they had no regrets. A great statistic on the subject is that in a study of unhappy married couples where the researchers followed up five yrs later, the couples that stayed together were much happier than the couples who divorced. Obviously I've seen the good and the bad so it can certainly go either way but just some things to think about, especially before you hire someone like me and pay out $350/hr for advice.

It's also so much better to try and work things out as much as possible ahead of time so the divorce process is amicable. As I tell my clients you are still going to need to be parents for the rest of your lives and for a lot of people divorce tears things up and can only start healing yrs after a divorce if it's a messy divorce.

[mctlaw]

Good advice here already, just want to add a couple things.
At least here, it is customary for divorce attorneys to charge a small fee ($75-100) for a consult. We do, though it is applied to the retainer if you hire our firm; we're in demand and would use a lot of billable time since many people just aren't ready to pull the trigger at consult time. Just didn't want you to be put off by that posibility.

Another way to find a good lawyer touched on by Excitedmamma is bar associations. Often, either the state or local/county bar association will have subsections that lawyers join within their area of expertise. You can find lawyers skilled in domestic law that way, and even better, look for the lawyers who are conducting local CLE seminars (continuing legal ed) as they are generally in the top of their field locally.

Lastly, :hug::hug:.

[ahisma]

You've gotten some really good advice here. I'm a JD but haven't practiced so can't contribute much from that perspective.

I have gone through a prolonged custody battle of my own though and have some insight there. It was hard. Hellish, truly. We were in court off and on for FIVE years. It was crazy expensive. At the end - he finally agreed to go to mediation. We've been co-parenting under a mediated agreement successfully for 6 years now. It's still not easy, but is problem free for the most part.

For us, the core reason that it was so $$ and so protracted was that he was out for blood. He was hurt and angry and this was the way to lash out at me. With that in mind, those were the kinds of attorneys that he looked for (he went through four). I had one, then couldn't afford to continue and went forward pro se. It worked for me, but I had a unique situation in that most of his claims were without merit.

I've also had a reflux baby - two actually.(with my DH - the custody issue was for my oldest DC) I don't know how we survived. Like you, it wasn't garden variety reflux - it was the scream around the clock and writhe in pain even though you are doing everything in your power to fix it. Specialists, elimination diets, medication, positioning, infant massage, you name it - we tried it and it didn't work. I think that if we could have divorced we would have. It was pure hell - and then when it happened again with DS it seemed so, so unfair. Neither of us responded well. We were surviving moment to moment and were under extreme stress.

It did damage our marriage, a lot. It has gotten better, significantly. Objectively we should be in counseling and may seek that out in the future.

Given that, and barring other factors like abuse, I'd be inclined to wait it out for a bit - if for no other reason than because adding one. more. thing. to your plate right now is so, so difficult.